the right board

[alyson]

I guess for those of you following my threads on general, you know my score and thanks for the advice. Chasmjump is NOT my H being cruel. Since his exposure he has been through anger, defenciveness but is entering in to acceptance thanks to me sharing the wise words from many of you. After some advice suggesting there was probably more porn than i knew about, i asked him. He committed to be completely honest with me and revealed that the vids i caught him watching were compiled and stored over a long period of time. I had presumed it was one occasion and he had stored it and revisited it. He thought i had realised that when i caught him. Now i feel sick all over again because i really thought it was just a couple of times, he was actually seeking more and more stuff. I hate this. I had a wonderful life.

[LookingUp]

Hi, welcome to the "pink" side of the board! I think you handled all that stuff chasmjump threw at you with such class and poise - that's wonderful. You're husband is a lucky man to have found you - I hope he realizes that.

[alyson]

Thanks, I desparately wanted to use violence though haha just kidding. Good old spirit of slap!

[LookingUp]

alyson said:

Thanks, I desparately wanted to use violence though haha just kidding. Good old spirit of slap!

I was thinking more like fire from heaven (Luke 9:54) - but figured I'd get the same response James and John received.

[alyson]

Do you think I was right or wrong to make him choose between our life and his habit? or does that make me double minded by going against my own wedding vows?

[Disillusioned]

Hi alyson

you asked:
>>Do you think I was right or wrong to make him choose between our life and his habit? or does that make me double minded by going against my own wedding vows?

I think you were 100% right. Porn users repeatedly break their wedding vows. Visual adultery IS adultery. He is breaking the wedding vows. Regularly. He's having regular and real sexual experiences with other real women. It's not 'just pretend' or 'just pictures'. These are real women. He's having real orgasms.

The vows have been broken. You are totally in your rights to ask that he stop breaking them and choose to be faithful to his vows. That's not breaking YOUR vows, its asking for what should be yours already!!!

I'm so sorry you find yourself here joining us.
-Diz

[Healing Rain]

No, you where with in your right (and even with in your wedding vows) to ask him to chose between the two.. you are the habit.

I am thankful that Chasm isnt your H ( I threw that out there because his posts to you were extreme, sort of a shock treatment statement). And I too agree that your H is a blessed man to have you as his wife.

Every woman has the right to ask for fedility with in their marriage. Just as he gets to chose which he would like to continue... so do you. You get to chose whether you will have that in your life or not. Don't ever forget that... you have the right to chose what is best for you and your life.

I don't think you went against your wedding vows either. He, actually, had already breached that contract by infedility. You are way in your right to kick him to the curb, if that is what you would like to do. And you are in your right to stay with him, if that is what you would like to do. And you are in your right to expect him to be faithful to you in ever sense of the word.

There are more ladies here who can write this out better than me, so I'll let them do just that. I just wanted to reinforce that you do have the right to chose what you need to chose to protect your self. Never forget that. You have value.

~Rain~

[zerotolerance]

I haven't read your story yet, but I will check out the general board later for it. However....

Not only is it your right, it is your obligation to ensure your and your family's safety. P is a hazzard that has no business in a healthy relationship. We can't have healthy relationships with users, because they aren't healthy, and they don't have a chance at getting healthy so long as they continue to use. There is no safe amount, there is no safe type, there's not safe duration, there is NO SAFE P. It all grows soul holes because it is all abusive. It doesn't matter if it is bikini p, or violent p, the effects are ALL the same.

I struggled a long time with the religious aspects of my marriage vows too. But God showed me that it is more important to be loyal to, and to serve God, rather than to serve, or enable, a sinful man, or to tolerate sinful behaviors as a way of life. We aren't going to get any brownie points in heaven for allowing our own souls to continue be damaged by their sinful behaviors. Making deals with the devil or satan's pawns, is not what God wants us to do. God is love. And if a behavior is unloving then it doesn't belong. P is not about gender, it's not about sex, it's not about love, and it's certianly not about God, nor what God intended for man, nor mankind. It's a man made sexist, mysoginist, cycle of abuse, and a total distortion of God's universal truths, and our human sexuality. We don't get to decide what God already decided. It's not a matter left up to mere opinion, when God has already told us the truth about it. We can decide to like purple or blue, but deciding to like p, is deciding to go against God. We can think we can decide for ourselves all we want to, and do that, but there are consequences that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever. We can decide it won't hurt, but it still will hurt, BIG TIME. We can think it's HARMLESS, but that doesn't make it true, because it is not harmless. It hurts every single person exposed, in ways we can't even begin to imagine until we are deep in the middle of it.

[alyson]

Thank you encouragers. Can someone tell me what is going on with a thread i did on general? i asked about normal sex drive levels and there was a mean guy and others were angry with him. When I checked it last a moderator said 'this well has run dry' and you cant add more. I hope I havnt done something wrong. I like how well the moderators watch tho, they must be around all the time.

[mo4wo1]

Alyson,

You have done nothing wrong IMO. There just seems to be a stream of trolls here this past month or two. It's annoying but that ignore feature can be a huge blessing. It's the smiley face icon under the member's avatar and/or name. Click on it & you will no longer be able to read that persons post.

I just wanted to say I too think you handled that (pardon me) idiots behavior quite well. I also agree with the other ladies. You are within your rights & (probably) your vows to demand he treat you with basic human respect to demand he honor his vows, such as "forsaking all others" (that includes himself) & "to honor" you (what goof thinks P'ing & MB'ing is honoring anybody).

Here's a list of my preferred sites for info & some books on the subject:

www.sexhelp.com/
*I took the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) myself and it was very helpful for me. The test & my researching this topic helped me to recognize & accept my own addiction as well as help me understand my H's addiction behaviors better than ever.

www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexual_addiction/partners.asp

www.recoverynation.com/
* One note of caution about this site: It makes lots of noises & sounds when you navigate through it.

www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm

"Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
* A member here with an amazing book list of her own recently recommended this. I read it several months ago but not fully. But what I did get from it was helpful & the recent recommendation of it has stirred my interest again. I found mine at my local library. You may have it available to you at yours.


Bless you & best wishes.
Mo

[zerotolerance]

I haven't read it yet, but when conversations "go south" and are not productive to healing, or recovery, they lock em up, to prevent any members from getting distracted by verbally assaulting each other, instead of trying to heal or help. If you had done something wrong you would likely get a warning from a moderator via a private message. If you haven't recieve a private message warning you about something you said, then you didn't do anything that overly concerned them. Often they are trying to protect us, and to stop the spread of KNOWN bad advice, like it sounds like you were getting. It's all good, don't worry about it. Even if you get a warning, just go from there and try to reword in such a way as not to be offensive. If you still have the same questions, you might want to post it over here, where we are safer from replies by addicts in denial.

[alyson]

after what I thought was a really positive day, I feel really crap. Last night neil told me he completely understood that porn was adulterous and that he would, out of respect for me , not MB again. If he felt tempted he would come and tell me. Now this evening he even admitted his high sex drive is due to his MB and that he probably is a sex addict. Feeling good i tried to have a normal pleasant evening. Neil went online and tried to see if his ban from here had been lifted. As it has not yet been lifted, he began researching info on online wickopedia. Now he's reading articles for and againts MB from all walks of life. He keeps reading stuff out that would justify him like 'MB can be extremely benificial for couples where one has a higher sex drive' and other stuff. He also became angry with me and said i was narrow minded and he's giving up MB cos i say so and how im not listening to his feelings and his need to wank. I feel really disheartened now and dont know what to do next.

[LookingUp]

alyson said:

Do you think I was right or wrong to make him choose between our life and his habit? or does that make me double minded by going against my own wedding vows?

I'm sending you a PM.

LookingUp

[zerotolerance]

Oh neil eh? Tell him to go read what I wrote on his thread in the general forum! It's common for an addict to look for reasons that justify their desire to keep feeding their addiction. We are all taught that it is harmless when it is NOT HARMLESS. All p, and all men's mags repeat those lies, as if they are true, as well as a lot of other citizens, and sometimes so called professionals. Just because they scream the loudest, it doesn't make them right. Usually they are pushing p for profit, so of course they spew that crap.

He needs to be looking for the truth, but instead it sounds like he's looking for a way to keep believing the lies, and what's worse is he is blaming out at you for not being to get his FIX without FEELING the guilt, he's been repressing. Let it roll off because it's ALL addict talk. You don't need anyone else to tell you it's messing him, you, and your relationship up, you're living it! Digging into info is good though, and if he is serious he will soon see where it is not near as harmless as he was led to believe. But if he wants to believe the lie, then he will, and nothing will change. And if he keeps on doing it, he won't have a prayer of learning anything imo. He has soul hole, and he keeps it from swallowing him, by shoving p and mb into, and the more he does, the worse he gets. If he stops, then he has a chance, but he doesn't have chance to learn different if he keeps on. The closer we get to getting out of these pits, the tighter their hold gets on us, for a while. Just like God puts truth in our path, so Satan puts the lies in our path. He's may just be in addict mode, scanning what he reads for the lies addicts believe, (trying to convince you, rather than trying to get at the truth. And he's may not be repeating the truthful ones he reads to you, so as not to prove YOUR case. Like, if he finds an anti-mb article is he telling YOU about it? Did he read you my reply, for ex? Or does he omit those? I was a little hard on him in the thread I read. I didn't know ya'll were together. I just saw a lot of addict doo spew, and then I had to reply to it even though I saw he was gone. I called it, the denial that it is, imo.
He reminded me of the trolls we get in here sometimes who aren't looking to heal, they are looking for words they can use in arguements with their wives. If he wants to believe p & mb is healthy, there is plenty of p, and p-minded people, and p minded sites, and bad advice out here, and elsewhere, to support that FALSE belief. They often mistakenly think they can convince US to believe the lies too. On some level, they seem to think they NEED us to believe the lies. I think it is how they keep their guilt and shame at bay in some twisted way. Otherwise they may actually have to face the TRUTH, and that HURTS, and it hurts even more without having their placebo of p/mb to soothe the hurt, but the only way out for anyone of us is thru the truth, and thus thru the PAIN. The reward is far greater than some p or mb high. But addicts can't see that, because they too busy are growing bigger soul holes, shoving outside stuff into them, instead of looking inside themselves for the truth that lies within all of us. He thinks he's loving himself but there's nothing loving about it whatsoever. It's harmful. It has no place in a healthy mature adult relationship whatsoever. And certianly not in a habitual fashion. It's a sign of seriously stunted sexuality imo.

[megan11]

How about you look up all the side effects MB has and show him, or read it to him?