Post by realthing on Dec 18, 2007 20:53:59 GMT -5
hi alyson - you and neil certainly made an entrance
i related to you both as your issues seem more akin to my own i.e. , well my h isn't a p addict either (although you know the more i say that the less i'm believing it). like you though i see any p use as a form of infidelity and refuse to accept it in my marriage. i'm so sorry 'cos i know at this point i'm going to ramble on again about my story (call it therapy as it is about as far as i will ever get to it).
i found mags of his when we first started going out - explained to him that i wasn't acceptant of that and thought fine no big deal issue dealt with. that was until over 3 years ago when my daughter came in asking me about a p dvd which she had found left in the playstation. at the time i was totally shocked - i had no idea he was into it (by this time we are around 9yrs into our relationship). like you i was totally upset and didn't know what to do so went up to my bed crying after arguing with him. i cried for ages and when i came downstairs he had fell asleep on the couch with another p dvd left playing. this was just like a big slap in the face to me - i mean he would have heard me crying up in the room whilst he lay there wanking off. i flew into a rage and just throw him out at that point (i was also 5 moths pregnant). we separated for around 7 months during which time i never spoke to him at all only to ask him stuff relating to the kids - mainly money) - so we never discussed it at all. however when we got back together - i totally broke down and explained to him everything i felt about it (the exact same stuff it makes every so feel), this was over the time of a few months - i had a lot to say then. anyway he seemed shocked that i had felt that way and the upset it had caused and was sorry for us having split and not being there for us and of course he had went through a totally (expletive) time himself. he told me it had just been a one off thing and that the dvd's had been passsed around at work . anyway although we had 3 kids together and had been together all that time we had never married so decided we would get married - like wanted to show our commitment and love for each other and proclaim it to everyone else. just after we got married i found a mag hidden away and he said he thought mags were ok thought it was just the dvd's i objected to - i let it go as i suppose i wanted to believe him. then shortly after that i returned from a business trip to my daughter again presenting me with a dvd that he had left in her room while she had stayed at her grans. i was really hurt and upset - i just couldn't understand now knowing how i felt about it it was still continuing . again he explained it away by saying it was an old one he had came across and was just going to get rid of it. again i accepted his explanation 'cos by this point i know and he knows that i will not accept the p at all and if it continues it will spell the end for us. anyway around 7/8 weeks ago i find another p stash - this time the same week before i'm about to give birth to my 4th child - so that spelled the end of my marriage (at this point we're together 13yrs). unlike most of the wives here i never considered it as something i would work with with him it was just plainly he had to make a choice between his marriage or using p and well he chose the latter. this time though i have been insistent we talk about it. he admits to using it every couple of months - he can't explain why he uses it then - says that 9/10 times he will not use p to mb but there is that time where he wants it and it is a case of when he uses it he is fantasizing about shagging the women in it. his only explanation as to why he would use it despite the ultimatums i had made and the explanations i had given with regards to how it makes me feel - that he had still thought that despite everything i was overreacting (although he says he doesn't think that now). funny i found a collection of mags today in the outside bin which he has put there after he had been in the house at the weekend seeing the kids - funny 'cos it just didn't bother me now.
anyway i am sorry for rambling on but i suppose i just wanted to share with u the fact that despite not having the nightmare which many of the wives on here need to deal with - with reference to the type of p and frequency - that the damage done by p has nonetheless been totally devastating - frequency has nothing to do with the issue of fidelity.
as i told neil i think that he should respect you and your beliefs. if he does not consider himself to be addicted to p and mb then he will have no problem giving it up i think the fact that he came to this board is testament to the fact that he does love and respect you enough to at least try and do something about it. keep talking to him about it. i have found people's responses on this board really helpful but to be honest the answers you need are really only going to come from neil (that's if you manage to get the truth out of him). i suppose there is also a warning here of don't expect it to all stop just like that - it's not going to. you are going to have to deal with recurring issues - how often you are willing to do that is up to you.
if u got this far cheers (you will be the only one the rest have heard it all before :-)
best of luck x
i related to you both as your issues seem more akin to my own i.e. , well my h isn't a p addict either (although you know the more i say that the less i'm believing it). like you though i see any p use as a form of infidelity and refuse to accept it in my marriage. i'm so sorry 'cos i know at this point i'm going to ramble on again about my story (call it therapy as it is about as far as i will ever get to it).
i found mags of his when we first started going out - explained to him that i wasn't acceptant of that and thought fine no big deal issue dealt with. that was until over 3 years ago when my daughter came in asking me about a p dvd which she had found left in the playstation. at the time i was totally shocked - i had no idea he was into it (by this time we are around 9yrs into our relationship). like you i was totally upset and didn't know what to do so went up to my bed crying after arguing with him. i cried for ages and when i came downstairs he had fell asleep on the couch with another p dvd left playing. this was just like a big slap in the face to me - i mean he would have heard me crying up in the room whilst he lay there wanking off. i flew into a rage and just throw him out at that point (i was also 5 moths pregnant). we separated for around 7 months during which time i never spoke to him at all only to ask him stuff relating to the kids - mainly money) - so we never discussed it at all. however when we got back together - i totally broke down and explained to him everything i felt about it (the exact same stuff it makes every so feel), this was over the time of a few months - i had a lot to say then. anyway he seemed shocked that i had felt that way and the upset it had caused and was sorry for us having split and not being there for us and of course he had went through a totally (expletive) time himself. he told me it had just been a one off thing and that the dvd's had been passsed around at work . anyway although we had 3 kids together and had been together all that time we had never married so decided we would get married - like wanted to show our commitment and love for each other and proclaim it to everyone else. just after we got married i found a mag hidden away and he said he thought mags were ok thought it was just the dvd's i objected to - i let it go as i suppose i wanted to believe him. then shortly after that i returned from a business trip to my daughter again presenting me with a dvd that he had left in her room while she had stayed at her grans. i was really hurt and upset - i just couldn't understand now knowing how i felt about it it was still continuing . again he explained it away by saying it was an old one he had came across and was just going to get rid of it. again i accepted his explanation 'cos by this point i know and he knows that i will not accept the p at all and if it continues it will spell the end for us. anyway around 7/8 weeks ago i find another p stash - this time the same week before i'm about to give birth to my 4th child - so that spelled the end of my marriage (at this point we're together 13yrs). unlike most of the wives here i never considered it as something i would work with with him it was just plainly he had to make a choice between his marriage or using p and well he chose the latter. this time though i have been insistent we talk about it. he admits to using it every couple of months - he can't explain why he uses it then - says that 9/10 times he will not use p to mb but there is that time where he wants it and it is a case of when he uses it he is fantasizing about shagging the women in it. his only explanation as to why he would use it despite the ultimatums i had made and the explanations i had given with regards to how it makes me feel - that he had still thought that despite everything i was overreacting (although he says he doesn't think that now). funny i found a collection of mags today in the outside bin which he has put there after he had been in the house at the weekend seeing the kids - funny 'cos it just didn't bother me now.
anyway i am sorry for rambling on but i suppose i just wanted to share with u the fact that despite not having the nightmare which many of the wives on here need to deal with - with reference to the type of p and frequency - that the damage done by p has nonetheless been totally devastating - frequency has nothing to do with the issue of fidelity.
as i told neil i think that he should respect you and your beliefs. if he does not consider himself to be addicted to p and mb then he will have no problem giving it up i think the fact that he came to this board is testament to the fact that he does love and respect you enough to at least try and do something about it. keep talking to him about it. i have found people's responses on this board really helpful but to be honest the answers you need are really only going to come from neil (that's if you manage to get the truth out of him). i suppose there is also a warning here of don't expect it to all stop just like that - it's not going to. you are going to have to deal with recurring issues - how often you are willing to do that is up to you.
if u got this far cheers (you will be the only one the rest have heard it all before :-)
best of luck x