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Post by timm on Jan 21, 2007 9:51:32 GMT -5
That's a very natural thought, and I don't in any way discourage you from having it. The warning I would put out, just for future consideration, is that every addict I have ever heard of has started out that way. Both my own experience and what I think I learn from reading is that it doesn't work very often.
It's certainly not unreasonable to try to fix your problem yourself. What is unreasonable is to do what I did - trying for 30 years to beat the addiction alone, always doing the same thing, always able when motivated to go a few days or a week or even a few months, never able to move past that point. Never making any progress. Always slipping just a little farther downward.
I hope you won't do that. I hope that if your initial effort to recover alone doesn't work, you'll be more open than I was to finding other solutions, more willing than I was to see reality clearly and to admit defeat. That would leave you open to exploring other solutions that have higher success rates, in my opinion.
Good work coming here, good work on opening up, good work on the one week. I hope the path you have mapped out now works for you. If, after a year, you're not living a new life, though, then I hope you'll be open to thinking about other options. It's worth a year of your life to try a solution and see if it works. It's not worth 30 years of your life, which is what I gave it, to my regret and to the regret of my family and friends.
Tim M.
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Post by budge99 on Jan 21, 2007 10:05:54 GMT -5
Thank you Tim.
I appreciate the advice and I will listen to it. I believe I can beat this alone but if I can't I will get help.
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Post by ferdberfil on Jan 21, 2007 10:49:18 GMT -5
budge99-
Sounds like a plan. Don't look at getting extra help as a bad thing though; if you get the right kind of extra help (only if you need it, of course), you might find that other aspects of your life will improve as well.
As an aside, I thought it was unusual for me to have started looking at porn in college. But I guess it's not....
-FB
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Post by 9bogie673 on Jan 21, 2007 12:06:19 GMT -5
congrats on deciding to go clean! You can beat this addiction!
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Post by needawayout on Jan 21, 2007 13:56:50 GMT -5
Budge99,
Congratulations on the one week! I am glad to hear that you are still hanging in there. That's a good milestone and one that you should be proud of. I've tried numerous half hearted attempts to put the p/mb genie back in its bottle since it started for me a couple of years ago. As you said one week isn't "too difficult". I guess, in an objective sense, the second week isn't any different than week one, but it is a time where I myself have been inclined to let my guard down. I find myself pulling out a magazine of some clothed (but very attractive) young lady, start jacking off, and next thing I know I am into another 3 hour computer session like you describe at the beginning of the thread. I know you know better than this, but just want to say -- keep your guard up.
Thanks very much for offer to use the thread -- I think that is a good idea. I was going to start one myself, but thought I would reply to you first, since I figured you needed some support for the tough week ahead.
I agree with you that at this point telling families and friends is a pretty scary thought. I haven't told anyone either. If older and wiser people say that is necessary, maybe they are quite right, but I don't think I can take that step just yet. However, I can also see that as an incentive. If telling my family is the next step, I have a darn good reason to give this one more shot will the help of this forum and make it permanent. This may be naive thinking, but might be worth some thought.
To all:
It is just amazing to find this place. For two years this has been my little secrete from the world. and it is good to have this out in at least a limited little piece of the world. While on the one hand I feel sorrow that each of you has had to endure this addiction as well, I am happy to know that at least we don't have to fact this alone as I thought in the past. I know this forum isn't a cure-all and that I have a long road (hopefully many decades) ahead. Anyway, it is time, for now, get on with my life to do some of those "constructive" things that I have been procrastinating on.
Thanks for reading and God bless you all.
-- needawayout
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Post by budge99 on Jan 23, 2007 11:48:38 GMT -5
I have had a really tough time at work and I feel pretty crap about myself at the moment. Just need to stay away from porn. Arrrrrrrrghhhh
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Post by budge99 on Jan 24, 2007 9:57:12 GMT -5
So I had a slip. Not for long and I stopped myself and came here. But I still feel disappointed in myself, having gone for 10 days now I have to start over.
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Post by barnes on Jan 24, 2007 10:49:23 GMT -5
To those who said I should tell my family and friends or a counsiller, I don't think that is necessary. I don't want to tell anyone, I don't think they would understand and I know I can beat this on my own. I will beat this on my own. I haven't told anyone in my 3-D world either. I think it would merely damage relations and my self-esteem (even more than it's damaged already). It looks like you're doing well at the moment. I'd imagine quitting porn will be easier for some people than for others. It may be however that there are pitfalls ahead of you. But even if this is the case, you've started your journey to freedom and you will get there. If you fall foul of some pitfall or other, you'll find someone here who's been there before. Good going. Barnes |
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Post by barnes on Jan 24, 2007 10:55:13 GMT -5
Whoops, replied too soon. Didn't realise there was more and I now see you slipped after 10 days. I strongly advise you to now think about what went wrong. Why did you slip and is there anything you can do to avoid making the same mistake again? I find it helps to post details of what went wrong in these circumstances. Sometimes I'm asking for input from others, sometimes I end up answering my own questions, but posting helps me get my thoughts clear in my mind. So I encourage you to post openly, frankly and in some detail about your slip. Barnes |
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Post by budge99 on Jan 24, 2007 11:10:59 GMT -5
Ok. So I slipped. I came home from work and there was no one else in. I had other things to do, but I didn't want to do them. I'm having a hard time at work, feeling a bit down. So I came on the computer and I was trying to fight it and it started as just a couple of pictures and it just went from there. I knew it was coming but I didn't know how to stop it. I recognised the signs but I didn't want to stop. I was angry with myself but I didnt want to do any of the more important things I could have done. I knew I should have stopped myself but I just couldn't.
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Post by barnes on Jan 24, 2007 11:39:37 GMT -5
Ok. So I slipped. I came home from work and there was no one else in. I had other things to do, but I didn't want to do them. I'm having a hard time at work, feeling a bit down. So I came on the computer and I was trying to fight it and it started as just a couple of pictures and it just went from there. I knew it was coming but I didn't know how to stop it. I recognised the signs but I didn't want to stop. I was angry with myself but I didnt want to do any of the more important things I could have done. I knew I should have stopped myself but I just couldn't. Yep, I'm familiar with the slippery slope. Sometimes we think it's safe to play on the slope, that it's such a shallow slope that we can get off it any time we like. But as we slowly slip towards porn, we feel the pull getting stronger and stronger, until we feel like we've past the point of no return. Here's my advice. Identify what porn means to you. There's obviously pictures of naked people, but there will be other things as well, things that we kid ourselves are not porn. But in fact, we're looking at them because the addict within wants us to get on the slippery slope. Things that are not porn, but lead us towards porn, are triggers. Triggers can be obvious (pictures of almost naked people), some are more surreptitious. For example, looking through profiles of the female members of an online community might seem like a long way from looking at porn, but if you ask yourself the question why should a porn addict be doing this, it's apparent that it's a way of getting onto the slippery slope. Identifying your triggers is an ongoing activity. Something else that's difficult sometimes is having faith in your own decisions. E.g. you slip because you indulged in a particular trigger so you tell yourself that that's a trigger so you must avoid it in future. But when the future comes, you tell yourself you were just being silly when you decided that and it is actually OK to indulge in that particular pleasure. This is where you need to be quite strict. If you set policy for yourself, you must have faith in that policy and avoid the things you must avoid even though they seem "nice". Finally (for now) the time to stop entertaining the idea of porn is the very moment it occurs to me. There have been times when I've started thinking about what it might be nice to search for or download while driving home. Much the same as when the addiction takes over while you're actually at the computer, it can also take over when you're just thinking about it. Many's the time I've rushed into the house without even bothering to take my case out of the car so I get get the computer booted up a second or two sooner. It helps to reject "bad" thoughts the moment they occur. The longer they're allowed to dwell in your head, the stronger they take root. I use meditation to help me learn the ability to oust thoughts I don't want from my head. So, there's some thoughts from me. Admittedly, I'm writing a lot of this to remind myself of what I need to do, as I've been very lapse recently and I'm just getting back into the swing of battling my own addiction. Barnes |
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Post by budge99 on Jan 24, 2007 11:51:03 GMT -5
Thank you Barnes, that is some good advice.
The one thing I have realised is that I like women, and I use porn as a substitute for real women, because I can't get a real woman. This is not because I am ugly or a loser or anything, I have just lost all self-confidence around women. I used to be able to talk to women but now I can't, and my job and my life means I don't get the chance to meet women. And its just so much easier to turn on the computer, and then I can have any woman I want. But I know this is not healthy, this is not how I want to live my life. But it is just so much easier. I would rather go out and spend my time with a real woman if I could, but I can't, because I can't meet any, and I don't have confidence enough around the ones I do.
I guess I need to stay away from porn and try to put myself in a position to meet people. Join some clubs or something. Anyone got any other ideas?
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Post by barnes on Jan 24, 2007 12:08:52 GMT -5
Thank you Barnes, that is some good advice. The one thing I have realised is that I like women, and I use porn as a substitute for real women, because I can't get a real woman. This is not because I am ugly or a loser or anything, I have just lost all self-confidence around women. I used to be able to talk to women but now I can't, and my job and my life means I don't get the chance to meet women. And its just so much easier to turn on the computer, and then I can have any woman I want. But I know this is not healthy, this is not how I want to live my life. But it is just so much easier. I would rather go out and spend my time with a real woman if I could, but I can't, because I can't meet any, and I don't have confidence enough around the ones I do. Taking the quick and easy route to "scratch an itch" but not really achieving anything truly satisfying is called "instant gratification". Taking the times and energy to work towards something worthwhile is "delayed gratification". Our animal instincts will always suggest instant gratification. We need to use our intellects to see the virtue of delayed gratification. Well, you said it. Join some clubs or something. Whatever you do, make sure it's something that genuinely interests you in any case. There's nothing in your posts to suggest that you want to meet people purely in the pursuit of sex, and I don't want to say anything that would imply that. So don't read that into what I say here. Life is one rich tapestry and the more you indulge in real life, the richer your life will be. And if participating in life means you meet people, great. And if some are women, even better. And if a woman becomes special to you, then better still. But meeting people and taking an active part in life are their own rewards. Barnes |
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Post by budge99 on Jan 31, 2007 15:16:05 GMT -5
had a big slip today after going a week without porn. I knew it was coming but I didnt want to stop it. I justified it to myself by saying it is the last day of the month and it will be best to start again at the first of the month. Lame, I know, I know I can't do that, but I've done it now. Now I have to be positive and look to the future. I have only had 3 slips in the last two and a half weeks, which does represent progress for me. Now I want to make an effort to stop completely. Here is to a porn-free February
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Post by budge99 on Mar 1, 2007 4:58:27 GMT -5
Update:
So here is where I am at now. February started well, I went about 10 days clean then had a big slip on the 10th/11th. Apart from that I remained clean, and haven't looked at porn since then.
My life has improved greatly in that time. I am enjoying my work more, making more money. My relationships with people have improved so much already. And I have met an amazing girl who I am dating and having a wonderful time with.
Today I felt tempted to look at porn again as I have nothing planned for today but as I sat at my computer I decided instead to revisit this board. Reading my initial post and realising how far I have come since then, I won't be looking at any porn today
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