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Post by budge99 on Jan 14, 2007 8:29:45 GMT -5
hey
this is my first post. i am 22. i am addicted to internet porn. i started looking at internet porn about 2 years ago and my problem has been getting a lot worse recently.
2 years ago i was a different person. i was at uni, i was confident, i was happy. i had no problem around people, used to do well with the ladies, etc. gradually over the last 2 years i have lost all self-confidence in myself. i haven't had a serious relationship with a girl for over 2 years. my confidence around them has diminished as my addiction to porn has grown. last summer i finished uni and moved back home. since then my problems have got much worse. i keep trying to stop but then find myself slipping back into it, staying in instead of going out etc. last night i was online for 3 hours. i was supposed to stop after new years, i think i lasted 4 days or something. i have to stop because this addiction has ruined my life.
anyway, so i have made a decision to stop and i am going to keep a diary on here. whenever i feel a slip coming on i am going to come to this site and write something to remind myself why i have to stop. hopefully this will be a diary not just of my hopefully successfully attempts to break this addiction, but also of me getting my life back on track, building friendships, relationships and getting back to being a happy and confident person.
wish me luck, your support is appreciated
10 hours clean
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argus
Full Member
One day at a time
Posts: 171
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Post by argus on Jan 14, 2007 17:37:51 GMT -5
Hi Budge99
Keep tuniing into this board and best wishes for your recovery. I'm struggling as welll.
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Post by freedom on Jan 14, 2007 18:43:44 GMT -5
Budge99,
Congrats on taking the first step. Admitting you are addicted and say you want to stop is a great starting point. I can't tell you how helpful this board has been to me. Just stay focused and know that the road ahead will be bumpy. Even though you've made the committement to stop you will have slips, try not to beat youself up real hard over them.....learn from the mistake and move on. Focus on the person you want to become. It is possible and I wish you the best of luck.
Freedom
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Post by pointfive on Jan 14, 2007 20:47:59 GMT -5
Hey Budge, it's probably gonna take a lot more than coming here and posting. You're really gonna have to do some footwork such as therapy, workshops, SA meetings, and men's groups. This board is a good place to check in but it's not contingent on our recovery cuz we need a power greater than ourselves to break this addiction. I hope you find your path.
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Post by Cant.do.it.alone on Jan 14, 2007 20:52:03 GMT -5
Budge,
Welcome ... I'll only push back on one thing you said ... "this addiction has ruined my life" ... at 22, your life is just beginning. Recognizing your addiction at your age and wanting to do something about it is wonderful. I wish I was as introspective when I was your age.
Keep fighting against p/mb and you WILL get to a better place. Keep fighting to learn about true intimacy and friendship -- which this disease will kill if you allow it.
And most important ... come here when you feel "the wave" about to crash -- the waters will calm down!
Can't so it alone
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Jan 15, 2007 1:08:17 GMT -5
Budge,
Nothing against freedom and what he said, but you may be someone who never has a slip again in your life. You don't need the stuff, and there's no reason to think that you're destined for a slip. Some people do slip. After I started here I was clean for three months, and it was the happiest three months of my adult life. I was at a bunch of weddings, and when they were all over, I thought "o.k., I've made it far enough." And I slipped. I realize now my error. I didn't need to slip. There was nothing about being through with weddings that necessitated a slip. I should have stayed clean. It's been rather rocky getting back onto the wagon again. I've been setting goals for myself.
Remember, it's worth it to remain clean. Internet porn will ruin your life. It will get much worse if you let it. But you don't need it. It won't help you in any way. Best of luck in your journey. We're here for you.
itoic
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Post by MJ on Jan 15, 2007 20:55:13 GMT -5
Hey budge99,
Welcome to the board. I can relate to a lot of what you're talking about, especially the part about moving home and the addiction getting worse. Once I moved back home where there was wireless internet, my addiction really took a turn for the worst.
Stick around this board and keep posting. This is a great place of support. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Peace, MJ
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Post by iamanaddict on Jan 15, 2007 21:43:22 GMT -5
welcome here. you can do it. the slips are right around the corner but we can avod them together.
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Post by budge99 on Jan 16, 2007 14:50:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the messages of support.
Well tonight I have just got in from work and everyone is out so I have the house to myself. I know this is a time when I would usually slip but I am not going to let it happen. I am going to keep myself busy and call some old friends instead.
2 days clean
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Jan 16, 2007 19:43:26 GMT -5
Good move, budge. Stay clean tonight.
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Post by ferdberfil on Jan 17, 2007 22:24:19 GMT -5
budge99-
I'm reading your post and I really am pulling for you. I also read pointfive's advice... I actually mostly agree there, while this board is great you'll probably need to pull some additional support in to help yourself. Does any of your family or friends know? How about telling a therapist or counsellor? The less you have to carry this yourself, the better. Getting recovery from this stuff is hard work, and in my experience, it takes near-constant vigilence.
A previous group leader of mine said, "you need an army to help you with this." Which kind of scared me a little. What's true is you probably need more help than you think you do, and you should get it. Now. Don't let this drag on and on, this sort of thing can easily progress, which is why some folks here refer to this kind of addiction as a "progressive disease."
I'm telling you this from experience. Get help now, and more than just here. Although on the other hand, this support board is pretty awesome. I just think especially since you are just beginning to address this, you need to really hit this with everything you can. Your life is ahead of you. I know you've made good choices for yourself in the past. Make this one now.
-FB
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RB
New Member
Posts: 26
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Post by RB on Jan 20, 2007 3:02:49 GMT -5
Dont give up, I keep coming back here, in spite of the fact I have been giving in the SA for 20+ years. This place has proven to be a supportive place, and a great resouce. I am going on day 3 again! Keep on Keepin On, and God Bless! RB
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Post by jehuty on Jan 20, 2007 22:45:07 GMT -5
good luck budge99...i hope you defeat pa...
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Post by needawayout on Jan 21, 2007 0:54:42 GMT -5
Budge99, This is my first post as well. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I just finished a 'session' at the computer this evening which I vow to be my last. Tonight, I decided to break down, call it what it is -- addiction --, and see what help I can find. I did a search for "porn addiction" and found this site. Yours was the first thread that I opened and I was rather surprised to see the similarities in our stories.
I am 23, finished university not long ago and went to graduate school. Like you, started masturbation and internet porn just about 2 years ago and, also like you, it got much worse since last summer. For me however, it was when I was by myself for a 7-month trip out of the country. My life just hasn't been right since. I miss the things that I enjoy, including probably many wonderful experiences of a foreign culture, to feed an addiction that I hate. It feels really good to finally admit this to someone.
Budge99, I feel your pain. I will be back to the forum soon and definitely look forward hearing more about your progress, even if things are rough. We have a pretty darn good incentive to beat this thing now since, as one of the previous posts pointed out, there is a lot of life to look forward to. Maybe we can beat together what we haven't been able to alone.
Best wishes
--needawayout
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Post by budge99 on Jan 21, 2007 6:44:16 GMT -5
Well I have been clean for a week now. I haven't found it to be too difficult. At times when I have felt a slip coming on I have visited this site and reminded myself of why I need to beat this thing and so far everything is going well. I have also found that I am doing better at work and I am spending more time doing constructive things.
Needawayout, good luck. Yes there are a lot of parallels between our stories. Please feel free to use this thread to post about your own progress, and hopefully we can both overcome this.
To those who said I should tell my family and friends or a counsiller, I don't think that is necessary. I don't want to tell anyone, I don't think they would understand and I know I can beat this on my own. I will beat this on my own.
One week clean
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