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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 7, 2007 21:50:29 GMT -5
This is my first day at this web site and first time posting threads and now developing this journal. I'm glad I was able to come here and admit my PA, and work to meet others like me to ask what things have helped them in their journeys. I was pleased that someone responded to my post in the newbies' thread and welcomed me to the group. I'm anxious to see how I'll do with this. Will I stay with it? What will I learn? and most importantly will I know in my heart one day that PA no longer plagues me......time will tell
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 8, 2007 10:47:33 GMT -5
OK this is my second day here. It is morning and I just had a great breakfast with my family. I really do have it good and have to treat everything right, and not the ways I have. I went back and read my initial post on the newbie board and 2 more guys left me notes with words of encouragement and suggestions for getting started on the road to recovery. I believe it would be good for me to get some of the books for sure and to start reading them. It's interesting that there are religious views on how to beat PA, but also methods suggested by lesser religious people. My wife believes that God is the only one who can rid me of PA. I want to believe that I can do it, but I'm not sure as it's been with me for a good while. I guess I'm afraid to expose my all to God, but that's pretty funny as He knows all about it.
I know how it all started for me and I have to understand that I think in order to rid myself of it. It started initially as simple curiosity about the internet when I first realized it's existence. I quickly became obsessed with the internet very shortly after discovering it in 1998. It didn't take long to discover P on the internet and I was quickly sucked in to what has become the nightmare in my life.
I have on more than one occasion sought professional counseling on the issue, but I only did that when P became a problem for my marriage.
Early last year I went several months without viewing P, and I thought maybe I was done with it but then it reared its ugly head again and once again is plaguing my relationship with my wife.
In reading posts from well wishers on the general board I think the problem might be that there has never been any accountability. I've tried to do it all on my own, and without that accountability I haven't been able to succeed. This will be a tough thing for me even now. It is strongly recommended in several places to have an accountability partner to share my all with and to help hold me accountable. I do not know who I could possibly use for that. I don't think there is anyone I'd be comfortable doing that with that is somebody I already know. I believe that for it to work for me I'd have to find someone that is generally interested in helping that is also completely detached from me (no friend, co-worker, relative and so forth). I think I'll seek to find out how others got their accountability partners and proceed from there. I think it's important for me to get right on this so there are no lulls in my efforts.
I'll be back tomorrow.
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 8, 2007 23:42:16 GMT -5
Tomorrow night LA and I go to a work Christmas function with the group from my old store. I'm both looking forward to that and not. I'm looking forward to seeing all of my old collegues, and I'm pleased that Allen thought enough to invite us. It's just that things are awkward with LA and me because of the P issue, and even though we are talking, we're not close to each other at all right now. She is very distant, and that in turn has me on the defense and has made me distant. We're talking but mainly about the P issue and not much else that matters. These functions usually involve music, dinner, and some dancing and if most of the other participants are dancing I don't know what I'll do.....I think things between us are just too strange for that to be a comfortable situation. I'll just have to see how things play out. I do want to be close to her of course, but I have to be respectful of the hurt I've caused and work hard to improve our relationship.
I have been P free for two days. I haven't missed it but the fact is I haven't felt sexual at all.....I just feel like I'm in my own world with nothing else.
I'll be back tomorrow.
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Post by TH on Dec 9, 2007 9:50:05 GMT -5
Hi Dave, thought I'd check out your recent posts and see how you're doing. First of all it's great that you've started a journal here. Try to be as consistent in your recovery actions as possible. Your addiction will hate the consistency. It wants you to be spontaneous and compulsive so you're doing the right thing by posting here regularly. I really do have it good and have to treat everything right, and not the ways I have. Great! Living in an attitude of gratitude is a great tool. If you dwell on the things that you're thankful for in your life you will be in a great headspace and will not be interested in acting out. P draws the spirit down and gratitude brings the spirit up. I agree with this as well. My first books that I read on the subject were Patrick Carnes'. Some of the content can be a bit triggering so be careful when you read. The Sexaholics Anonymous literature is very good too. You have to go to a meeting to get it however but highly recommended. Yes I've heard it say in regards to addictions of any kind "Find God or die!" Addicts can stop their activities but it usually will manifest in another addiction ie. people turn to eating to stop smoking etc. and that the only way to really curb an addiction is to replace the addiction with God. Yes I was sober for a year and a half from P and I thought that I could move on to focusing on other aspects of my life. Lust is a formidable foe and usually when you're busy recovering, your lust is in the parking lot doing push-ups lol. It's important to stay vigilant and keep your enemy where you can see him. Me too. I thought that I could fix this on my own. I didn't need anybody. All i have to do is think things out and come up with a plan. Nothing worked for long. If you're not accountable to someone then it's easy to slip into secrecy (the gasoline on the fire of lust). Telling my wife was a big step for me and then having an accountability partner on this board was helpful as well. Now I call my sponsor everyday. Which I hate doing because I don't like talking on the phone. But it's working. I have over 4 months right now of real sobriety. Again, it's good to see you posting here. Keep it up it will really help. Peace TH
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 9, 2007 23:16:14 GMT -5
Tonight the Christmas party with the Waynesboro bunch started out pretty well, but then ended in complete disaster. I was glad to see a lot of my old co-workers. Several of them greeted me throughout the evening and that was really cool. We had dinner at the table with Allen since he was the one that invited us.....but since he was kind of in charge of running the evening that left LA and me by ourselves at the table off and on for quite a while. That was awkward. We really didn't know much to say to each other so it was just kind of quiet. We made it through dinner and then the group proceeded to the bar side of the building where there were pool tables, regular tables and a full service bar.
LA and I were standing in the back of the room talking to a small handfull of people when LA and Dorcas began talking and I just ended up standing there alone for an extended period when I noticed my old boss, Jim shooting pool with another guy. I always liked Jim and decided to see if I could get in a game of pool with him. I ended up having to wait as Jim was already shooting a game with another guy. I kept glancing over and noticing that LA was still talking to Dorcas, and felt comfortable waiting to get in a game.
While I was waiting, Millie, a lady that had worked for me in the Deli in Waynesboro came over to chat. It turned out to be a gripe about her job and was making comments that she might want to go to work for a competitor. I told her it would be a mistake to go to work for FL.
I eventually got in a game of pool then made my way over to the table where LA was not sitting and talking to Allen. She didn't look happy when I sat down. I was telling her that I had been trying to hang out with Jim for a few minutes when she commented that I shouldn't have been in the corner talking to another woman in light of our issues (the P). I replied that it was shop talk only but she was upset about it and then decided then was not the time to talk about it.
This whole thing resulted in she and I getting in a fierce argument in the car on the way home.
This whole P issue is going to be very, very difficult for us to work out and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
TH........thanks so much for your post in my journal.....as you can see I really need words of encouragement today. I really appreciated that.
I have been P free for three days......I hope tomorrow can somehow be a better day.
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 10, 2007 10:07:00 GMT -5
So far today has been a better day. I actually held and hugged LA for the first time in days. That felt nice. I told her I was sorry for making her uncomfortable at the party and that I understand that in light of our situation I have to think things through and act in a careful manner. I was mad about it last night, but I understand her fears. I just have to understand her needs and respect them. I am walking on pins and needles when we are together and that won't change for a while and until we came become more comfortable together again. I want that, so I'll do whatever it takes.
I'm off from work today so I'm at home by myself for a few hours. I'm somewhat anxious while typing this because several posts in these forums and on P recovery sites suggest that the P addict maybe should not be online when home alone so as to remove any temptation. I do not feel any temptation right now, and that's good but perhaps I should be listening to what others like me are saying....
4th day P free, having a lot of anxiety but not about P withdrawal...it has to do with the interactions with LA right now.
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 10, 2007 19:54:50 GMT -5
Sexual urges have returned to me tonight after 3 days of not experiencing them whatsoever. That's pretty unusual for me. I'll have to handle things carefully tonight. LA has been involved in more "everyday" conversation today and especially discussion about her class topics with LU. Things feel less estranged tonight than they did previously but I can't jump the gun. Be interesting to see what I do (or don't do). I need to be careful not to let myself relax too much and realize its really not normal around here. The topic of P hasn't come up in conversation today. A number of good things happened today and that might be helping me relax a little. I was also off from work today. I'm sure that helped. It has been extra stressful coming home from stress at work, to a higher level of stress at home. It was unbearable last night and I didn't sleep well.
I know I need to quit focusing on me and work hard to make right by LA. It would seem that she is right and that I really do have a hard time focusing on other than myself.
Still P free.....really not tempted to view P but returning to standard male sexual urges so I'm going to be careful.
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Post by kyle on Dec 10, 2007 21:18:24 GMT -5
Dwaz62,
I started to send you a PM but felt lead to read hear first and I am so glad I did. You are feeling some of the same things I felt when this all happened to me and You seem to be handling them very well. Remember to stay focused on the important things, your recovery, your wife and your family. By maintaining that focuser then there will be no room for the ugliness to grab hold.
I follow God, always have, just put him on a shelf for a period of time, but now have a renewed relationship with him. I have done alot of reading the bible and studying his word to make sense of this whole mess that I put myself in. If you have a relationship with God, please talk to him daily and look for his guidance as it will be a great way to maintain focus. One of the biggest things that you will do to help you along is to fully and completely confess everything to God and to your wife. I know it seems like a hard thing, and for me it was probably the hardest thing I would ever do, but once it is all out there, you can begin to heal and get rid of it forever. You will be surprised at how much is already known anyways.
Lastly keep doing what you are doing. You have made some good strides and remember that you are going to have to endure some hardships as your wife deals with this mess you created. there will be good days, there will be great days and then there will be really bad days that you will have to work through. You can do it and I will be praying that you find the needed strength to fight through temptations that will pop up from time to time.
Keep the faith my brother,
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 11, 2007 8:55:59 GMT -5
I was glad to see Kyle's words of encouragement and suggestions this morning. My heart goes out to him as I can tell through reading his words that he and his wife have been through a great deal with this, just like LA and me. I will pray today that his marriage can continue to heal as I am that mine will. This place is very interesting....you go through times where you think that nobody could be this dumb as to screw up like this but here I've seen that other men are in the same boat as me. I'll feel very badly for all of them, their wives or SOs.
Last night I messed up, but then it resulted in a difficult conversation, that in looking back this morning, might have been important for LA and I to have. I mentioned yesterday that physical urges had returned to me. Like an idiot I tried to get too close to LA too soon.
She correctly pointed out that throughout this ordeal I've been primarily focused on my feelings, my defensiveness, my fears and so forth. She explained that she dreamed of a time where I looked out for her needs and wants. She has never experienced that in her life. She grew up with a very difficult, mean spirited, completely self centered father. To escape that she moved away from home at a young age and became involved with men who only used her for their own selfish purposes, and then now there's me. The fact is I'm feeling very badly about that this morning. LA deserves far better than that, and I told he that. She is a wonderful Christian lady, a great wife and an excellent mother to our kids. Every issue that we've had in 10 years of marriage has something to do with the fact that I'm a selfish man who spends a great deal of time looking out for his own needs. This is no doubt somehow how the P issue ever began.
LA explained to me last night that the reason she cannot feel close to me is that when she thinks about me she gets images in her head of me looking at other naked women's bodies and the horror that causes me. She said she dreams of the day that it will be enough to me to just look at her and that I'd be happy with that.
The tough thing for me to resolve about the P is that I'm completely happy with her. She possess all the excellent qualities I've stated above. She's very attractive, our sex life is very good, and as I told her I always look forward to getting home from work every day to see her. So then, why has the P issue happened? I have to figure that out and I've prayed for God to show me the answers to that.
She pointed out something very interesting that I'll likely remember for a very long time. She said she started going behind me and looking for evidence of P use when she noticed changes in my behavior during intimacy. She said it had become obvious to her because the experiences had become a lot less personal, little communication, virtually no bonding of the souls. She said it wasn't making love, it was just sex and she had begun to reach a point where she just didn't want to do that anymore so she figured it had meant a return to P for me. She began checking and sure enough....
I need to really focus on looking into what LAs needs and wants are and being attentive and responsive to them. Tonight after work I'm going to really work on that, and break out of my shell of defensiveness. Perhaps with God's help and a determination to do right by LA things can begin to move in the right direction.
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 12, 2007 10:48:00 GMT -5
God works in wonderful ways! I've struggled for the past few days with my males urges and have been concerned about how that would affect my interactions with LA. Her time of the month has started and that is probably a blessing. We can now both focus on working on our relationship instead of me having to worry about trying to get too close to LA right now, and for her, she will not have to worry about me doing exactly that. I'm really wanting to work on her needs right now and so this should help with that as well.
CB answered my email and said he'd like to resume our study. I also asked him to be my accountability partner and said I'd talk to him about the issue when we meet. That will be difficult but he is an amazing man, and I feel comfortable that he will help and that my information is safe with him. Hopefully I'm doing the right things to give myself real accountability. My own simple desire to do away with my issues has never been sufficient.
My son is home from school sick today and that is nice for me. I've had significant alone time at home this week. Just having someone here with me is good while I'm battling the biological demons. Extra protection against doing stupid stuff.
6 days P free
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Post by TH on Dec 12, 2007 12:59:08 GMT -5
Nice work getting an accountability partner. Let us know how the meeting goes.
Peace
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 13, 2007 22:05:05 GMT -5
Last night I enrolled in the Ways of Purity course on SCF. I learned about it through others' posts on these boards. I completed Lesson 1 last night and lesson 2 tonight. I'm learning a lot about biblical passages and how they relate to our purities or lack thereof. SCF is a totally religious approach to recovery that states that working wholly through God is the only way to successfully beat PA. I have made a determination that it is 100% true. I have made other efforts throughout my life to be rid of PA and SA (counselors, books, programs and so forth) that ended up completely fruitless. For me this is a very strong demon and I believe that only with God's guidance can I be completely successful.
Last night I had a great evening with LA. We haven't been sexually intimate since she found the P on the computer a week ago. We held each other close, hugged and kissed in bed for over an hour.....it was safe as she is having her time of the month right now. I definitely felt considerable urges during that but worked on focusing on LA and her needs and that was amazing in helping me not to push things to some type of sexual level. It was wonderful close time for us and showed me a great new dimension for our relationship as in the past such a situation would have led me to pursue sex every time. I have never been good at having considerable close time without it having to turn to sex. It was really very wonderful....something I've thought about a lot throughout the day today. There will be a place and time for sex....right now is wonderful soul bonding time for LA as we rebuild our relationship.
Until next time......P free for a week
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 14, 2007 9:17:18 GMT -5
I didn't do so well last night. I'm an idiot sometimes. Last night LA and I were again holding each other close before going to sleep and I tried to push it. How moronic is that? I knew it is her time of the month and it is just stupid. LA was pretty good about it, she could have let me have it something fierce. Afterward I went to sleep ashamed of what I am. I am hoping that with God's help, the SCF course, and a true love and dedication to my rebuilding relationship with LA that I can develop into a husband that does right by his beautiful wife. She deserves that. I have got to get it right. I work this evening....hopefully I'll have enough energy when I get home at 10:30 to do the third lesson in the course. I really need to stay the course. I am really learning a lot about me, and it is not pretty.
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 14, 2007 23:05:22 GMT -5
Today was a pretty good day....got some more work done toward getting the Camaro ready to pass inspection, had a great walk with the executives at work and am in a good mood here now at home. Shortly I'll go over and sit next to LA on the couch and try to get through some together time without doing something dumb. If I can do that this will have been a pretty good day all together. The comedian Ron White is on TV. It is an interesting watching him now....yes I've watched him many times and laughed my rear off. He's telling jokes about looking at naked women. He said "when you've seen one naked woman.....you want to see the rest".....boy I sure did live by that for a while...tonight though God sent me a reminder through Ron White of all the stupid stuff I've done to my wife and how immature it all really is.....I sure hope that I can grow spiritually in God in a way that will put all that nonsense behond me....it really is retarded to have been that way when you have a wife as fabulous as mine....and a pretty great life......I've really taken things for granted but I'm going to get over that now..... Still P free......gotta keep on gettin'
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Post by dwaz62 on Dec 15, 2007 20:23:34 GMT -5
I have work to do to escape impure thoughts but at least to this point I've done a decent job of keeping clear of impure actions. I'm through 3 lessons in the Ways of Purity course and I'm really glad I'm doing that. I'm learning a lot from the course and I'm convinced it will help me grow spiritually. I think a dramatically improved relationship with God will go a long way toward helping me resolve my issues and I am working toward that. I'm still fighting the physical urges but at least I haven't tried to push things on LA now for a few days. I really want to regain her trust and confidence and I can't do that when I do stupid stuff. I love her very much and I've just got to work very hard on getting things right. It's a scary road for me because the fact is that'll require wholesale changes for me, and I don't adapt well to a lot of changes. I've been doing things my way for a very long time and moving to doing the right things is critical. I pray that I'll stay the course and be succesful. Sure do need to pray for the ability to remove impure thoughts, so I will.
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