dwaz62's journal

[dwaz62]

I feel like such a weirdo and really need God's intervention into this stuff. I just left my wife in our bed and had to come downstairs and chill out. We had a great evening together, watched a movie on our couch after the kids went to bed, and she laid in my lap the whole time. Was really nice. We went up to bed after the movie and were holding each other. After recent events I knew I couldn't get into any type of passionate kissing or my urges would overtake me. We kissed lightly for a while and held each other until I couldn't stand it anymore. I told LA I needed to stop because my interests were moving along too far and she thanked me for handling things responsibly. I didn't feel very responsible though as I laid there feeling tough sexual withdrawal. I had to leave the room and come here to vent. This is nuts. Tomorrow I really need to get into the Word and seek God's guidance. My wife deserves better than this and I'm trying like crazy to do right by her. This total cessation of all forms of sexual activity is testing me hard. LA is not ready for it yet and I have to thwart strong temptations to do other things. I know I wont do that but I'm experiencing definite withdrawal. I'm paying now for the impurities that are a part of me. I have to wonder if this gets easier in time. I sure hope so.

Remaining P free

[dwaz62]

Today has been pretty good. Went to church this morning, then family lunch.....went all good. Went Xmas shopping with LA for a few hours this afternoon. We talked about the fact that even though we are talking a lot more and spending more time together that it is awkward for both of us. I told LA that I struggle at beng able to look her in the face without feeling ashemed. She told me she too has a hard time looking me in the face and that I have to realize that we are both working on issues. She told me that it would be helpful to her if I talked to her about how I'm doing. I asked her to clarify what she meant by that. She stated that she'd like it if I could talk to her some about the SCF course, what I think about it, how it is helping me....some discussion about what I'm learning through posts in this journal as well as things learned from others that post here.
I told her I would do that.

I'm in a cranky mood tonight and I know its because I'm SA and am experiencing withdrawal from all types of sex. I'm kind of confused about all this right now. I know that I should not sek physical intimacy from LA until she is ready to make love, but the physical withdrawal I'm feeling is pushing me around like crazy.

Continuing P free and on the road (also) to learning how to be a better husband and Christian.....I know I'm going to have to get this attitude in check in order to achieve these goals.

[william1000]

Hi Dwaz62
Thanks for your very honest journal.
Its good your a thinking alot about LA and here needs and wants.
Its tricky when you find your wife very attractive but you are in a "No" situation.
I think you have to bite your tongue for a while and earn brownie points along the way.
You should tell her from time to time how you feel about her.
Its a tough struggle one I find hard to balance myself.
Time is the healer but its goes very slowly in the early days.
You seem very committed to change and this is a great thing. Keep that resolve and everything else will work its way out.
You mind is very hard to deactivate or remove impure thoughts from. I think you just have to be aware of what your are thinking and discuss it logically in your own head.
I saw a message here one day where the advice was if you saw someone and you got a kind of thrill out of it you get your mind to pray for that person. I've found that effective even though I am not especially religious.
I think in the end to regain here trust and confidence all you can do is your very best. Your very best will always shine through. Being wholehearted about your determination to change and about treating your wife the best way you can will shine through. This is your flaw and sure she has some of her own. Noone is perfect but as long as we try to be the best we can be we will do okay.
Keep up the good work
William

[dwaz62]

I'm back. Last night I had a very frustrating attempt to post in my journal, gone bad. It was fairly late in the evening and I went downstairs to try to post in the journal. Now the desktop PC down there has one of those weird shaped (ergonomic) keyboards that I've just never been able to type comfortably on. LA was using this laptop though so I gave it a go. It went badly....I had a relatively lengthy post going when I started messing up on that keyboard and I lost most of the post before I submitted it. I got frustrated and just let it go.

That contributed to a tough conversation tonight between LA and me. We made love for the first time since the post-porn era began a few days ago and unfortunately my last post in this board was the evening before that happened. LA had read my postings (I invited her to do that) and felt concerned that I wasn't dedicated to staying with this. In others words, I had gotten to make love with her so I was no longer motivated to fix things. It does look bad, but its not the case. I have worked some late nights recently where I've gotten home after 10:30 pm then had to work again the next morning at 7 am. I am also comitted to the Ways Of Purity course on SCF and its tough to do both and spend any time at all with LA working on our relationship in that small window of time. And then there was the lost posting last night. I did complete SCF lessons in 3 of the past 4 days.

I am a grocery store assistant manager and its a few days before Christmas. My parents are also arriving for a week long visit tomorrow. All those things along with awkwardness between LA and me has me really lit up hard with anxiety. I'm really trying to fight my way through it all and I have years of experience as a retail manager. I know that it all gets better on the work front right after Christmas. I'm having a tough time with the rest of it all though and that doesn't just end with the passing of Christmas.

Last night I tried to make love again to LA and she questioned my motives, realizing the enormous stress I'm experiencing and wondering if I was just hitting on her to resolve a physical need. I asked her if I could make love to her and she asked "Can you?"
That set the whole thing off for me and I couldn't even stay there in bed with her at first. I went back down to our den and drank a glass of wine in the dark in an effort to calm down. Today LA let it out that she thought I'd gone down here, mb'd and then came back to bed. I hadn't done that, but I guess I can understand that she might think that. So it came up that I'm still P free as we got in a mild argument but I had to confess that I have not been mb free for 12 days like P. She has it in her mind that I'm still seeing images of P because of that. I actually have not had that and only had images of her and me making love, but she'd never believe that. It might not matter anyway.

I haven't been as close to God for the past few days as I was for a week or so. The stress of my immediate situation has really worn on me, and the next 4 days don't stand to get any easier.
I'll be praying hard for God to give us a guiding hand through Christmas week. Dealing with everything is already a lot without the fact that my parents will be here too. I hope I can find a way to calm down some. It's truly rediculous! Yesterday I had a very hard time with the Day 7 SCF lesson.....I was very distracted and admittedly less interested. Not because I don't care but because I'm overwhelmed with it all right now.

I'm dedicated to the cause of fixing my relationship with LA and with God's guiding hand, I will get it right. Satan tests me and temps me but as my faith and understanding of God's will increase Satan's grasp on me is slipping. he must feel it all slipping away from him.

Good.

P free and growing in the understanding of doing God's will for my life and for my family.

[dwaz62]

Pretty nice day today, and especially good as I enjoyed some alone time with LA on a couple of car rides and we talked about some intimate yet awkward things. We're both trying hard to mend our situation and she was really great today. I didn't have an issue with male urges today and that was pleasant. Work went well with Terry's visit and tonight went well with my parents' arrival. LA said she appreciated my talk with her about the battles I fight with my male sexuality and my male needs and how I'm trying to fix things. Interestingly, it was very embarrsing for me to talk to her about the subject matter, but she somehow seemed impressed that I would discuss extremely delicate info with her. She told me she appreciated it. I really didn't experience the kind of sexual stress today that I've experienced a lot of recently and that's definitely good. I love her like crazy and am appreciative of the support she's shown me in regard to the personal battles I'm addressing. I believe our relationship will improve each day as we work through these things and I just have to remain attentive to her needs and desires and react accordingly. She is a great wife and friend and deserves for me to do what it takes, and to endure whatver I need to endure to mend and then advance our marriage relationship. I woner what the future holds but I believe that with God's help we can get past this, restore our relaitonship, and have a great personal relationship.

Remaining P free and ongoing.........................

[dwaz62]

Want to advise all posters to these journals that tonight I've officially moved my journal to the new board developed by Wes. My future journal entries will be posted under the same title on that new board.