Freedom´s Journal

[freedom]

I think I do have a porn problem. Eventhough many times I feel like one part of me does not want to look porn, I still do, cause I need to numb the pain that I have. Eventhough I afterwards dont feel too good about myself, I feel dirty and filthy, but still porn can have a lot of power over me. I want to get rid of that pain thats inside of me, that gives me a need to be numbed.

At the time as I watch the porn I feel a little bit separation from the pain that I have, and its something that can get my mind focus somewhere else than feeling down or bad about myself and thoughts that make me go crazy. It stimulates me. But afterwards I have a hangover which is another feeling I dont like and many times have promised to myself that after this everything will change and Im gonna be wiser next time. But I never learn. Eventhough at the moment again to numb myself I think to myself logically at a mind level that I know I feel bad afterwards, but the need and feeling to get that stimulation is bigger and its just a thought that doesnt awake any resentful emotions in me.

So I think that this journal might give me some help, perspective and motivation to see and to feel things differently and maybe get some helpful advice and perspective from you people around here.


My recent mindset:

I always seem to think to myself that porn is wrong and immoral and its not a healthy thing emotionally. But I still do watch it. Theres lots of people that seem to think that theres nothing wrong with porn and it can be part of a normal life as anything. Its just porn.

I think that the people involved doing porn are somehow emotionally disturbed in some way and I think porn industry can be for a great part someway corrupted.

I recognize that using porn seems to be a common thing to do in our society for a lot of people generally and its pretty acceptable and even normal behaviour these days and I have tried to accept and adapt that behaviour, but I still do feel resentment for porn.

Its hard not to think about sex when a lot of things I see around me in our society: TV, media, people are very sexual, visual and hedonistic these days. Having sex and womens body parts seem to get a hold of my attention everywhere I go and it makes me feel like Im some way perverse, which is something that I do not like to be.

Im having difficulties to really feel different range of emotions and I think Im pretty tied up in my cynicism and emotionless. I think Im full of lot of negative emotions and feelings that I have learned to bottle up inside myself and I want to learn to express them in healthy manner.

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So this is where it starts.


Freedom

[freedom]

So here Im again writing my journal. I hope writing this will help me somehow. Just a minute ago, I was again feeling kind of bored and the thought came to me to watch porn. It could just get my mind somewhere else for a little while. Last night I watched some erotic scene from a normal movie - I dont count that as porn or should I? It dont give me a hangover anyways. I do not feel that dirty afterwards and so on.

Last weekend I spent with my - well should I call her my girlfriend - Weve been seeing each other for sometime now not like every week but for the last three weekends and Ive been staying over at her place. Weve been cuddling alot, which is nice. We havent had sex yet which is a shame cause that could help in getting rid of thinking porn. Actually getting laid for real. But last weekend she might have been ready for it - build enought trust, but she said it was her period. Before that she has said that she dont trust me enought to have sex with me yet. Not sure if Im just a player and going to leave her after spreading her legs. But I guess a player would not have "wasted" this much time playing with her. Its frustrating, but next time it should be already happening.

I have a birthday this week and Im going to be 23. She should give a bithday present.

Do you people think porn is evil?
Would be nice to hear your views on this.

Sometimes I think that a mans life revolves so much around his sexuality and penis that its kind of frustrating when these needs arent met and it can lead to all kinds of sick behaviours/depression. A man is a man and has needs.

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I have some awkward history at least i think so with masturbation from young age:
There were lots videos going on MTV with sexy ladies almost undressed and brainwashing me everyday to feel real horny and giving a need to masturbate to extent that was starting to be unhealthy.

I was very lonely starting from the age of like maybe 14 and 15 masturbating a lot and not in touch with girls in anyway really. I was scared of women somehow. I felt I wasnt good enough, I felt I wasnt worthy. My escape was masturbating and watching MTV or something else. I wasnt that very fond of real porn back then, I always have been very sensitive - I liked something more subtle.

I remember a time when i had to wash my hands with soap for like forty times and do certain washing rituals in the shower after masturbating to feel worthy and not dirty and to get some sort of piece of mind. Sick, huh?
I thought that sperm is somehow dirty and would corrupt me, so I always needed to feel very clean afterwards, eventhough thinking rationally its a natural thing.

Maybe I have gotten some images from my mothers and fathers relationship or my mother that i should not be sexual, and its bad and that women cant like sex. My mother is very religious and believes in God. Ive always kind of felt guilty even about normal masturbating but still had to do it.

I had periods where I tried to not masturbate for as long as i could and i guess it was like 40 days maximus and then i would blow my load in sleep or otherwise.

Porn came to me later: Only like maybe four years ago, and step by step i got more familiar with it, and i was trying to think its like a normal thing and not evil like i used to, but i think its somehow not natural.

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Well this is where i leave this at this time, but i keep on writing.
How often should i be writing? Everyday?

Good luck to all of you people out here!

[sylandad]

Thanks for your words.....I have just started a journal here too......I am hoping it will help me to not go back to Porn again.......

[freedom]

Im feeling a little tempted to watch P or something erotic that gets me aroused cause I guess i feel like it would entertain me more than anything else at the moment.

Well, Im not going to do it anyways. What else could i do instead? Well, i could play guitar, or go and do some excercises, jogging maybe.

I often feel too lazy to do anything else that might be entertaining than watch P. It is the one thing im usually not too lazy to do. Eventhough i know i afterwards feel bad about myself, guilt, shame and dirty. And i have this information in my head that tells me it but its just information not really a negative feeling. Then again the urge is way more powerful, the urge is like a feeling and the knowledge (that afterwards i feel so bad that i wish i had not done it) is just information. Feeling VS. information. Its very easy to let the feeling take over. Cause it is more powerful.

This time i have this journal and i can read upon my progress and keep on track and maybe the information this time is more powerful cause its documented by myself here and this documentation leads the information to become a legitimate feeling which then overrules the feeling of slipping into P.

I feel this journal hopefully strengthenss my discipline and motivation and might even give me inspiration to move on and make my life so much better.


Its good to type this out.


I´ll keep on going with the power of knowing

[simon84]

Hey man. You asked whether people thought porn was evil?

Personally I'd have to say that it isn't. I'm a film student and have always had very strong opinions on censorship etc. and still hold to those opinions even after facing up to my addiction to pornography.

To me alcohol is not evil, yet there are alcoholics. Shopping is obviously not evil but there are people addicted to that. I think it most definitely wrong and harmful to us, to those who have a bad relationship with it. Also certainly it is an exploitative industry but so are most, just in less obvious ways.

What I do think is harmful is exposure to certain images etc too young. pornography had a very negative effect on me in my teenage years. On the other hand practically every guy I know was exposed to those same images, without these problems.

Sorry if thats a long answer to a small question from your journal, been something I have been thinking about in the early days of my recovery.

Glad the journal is helping, it's doing the same for me. You talk about being bored of things to do. I think we all need to redirect our energy somewhere else. find something to do that with, plan your recovery, be as organised as you can.

Keep posting and keep going. You can do it.

[william1000]

Hi Freedom,
Best of luck in your journey.
As to your question yes I think Porn is evil.
Its evil because its impacts badly on so many peoples lives.
Imagine the poor people who have to make it. Maybe at the start they don't mind but it must take its toll overtime.
It destroys our lives as well and others in our lives.
I'm happy to see you are taking action at a relatively young age and at a time where you are starting a relationship.
It will be the best decision you ever make.
Best of luck with your G/F as well. I hope it works out. Its good to have someone to share your life with
William

[freedom]

Thanks for your replies, views and support.

Appreciated.

[freedom]

Still not watching any P-movies.
Saw the movie Fight Club yesterday, which is quite dark movie about materialism and living under the system and the will to break out of it.

I borrowed Jenna Jamesons biography "How to make love like a pornstar" from the library and have started to read it. Her story is quite dark as i could have expected. She was raped at an early age and her childhood has not been the most emotionally stable as possible. Stating many times in the book that she never had a mother character - her mother died when she was very young and she cant really remember a lot about her. She lost his virginity while passed out on a bed to a guy who then became his boyfriend gor a while. Later her another boyfriends uncle raped her and after telling him, his boyfriend didnt care. She became a stripper. The reason why she got into P for the first time was to revenge to her boyfriend because of cheating her. She had used a lot drugs as a stripper and first as a nude model before her career in P-films.

And shes like one of the biggest stars ever. The epitome of a pornstar.
Its a sad story. Seems like her life has been very surficial at many levels, at the same time longing for understanding and caring through out her story.

Not sure should i be reading this book but did it anyway because its only a book eventhough theres pictures of her. I had reserved this book from library over a month a go. I think i read it because i thought the story was interesting - not because i wanted some sexual satisfaction from readin it, so its ok. I didnt borrow it to masturbate.

In the end she finally finds the man she really loves, trusts, cares and wants. And he says the sex is so much better than anything before because of the emotions they had for each other.

So thats where the answer lies.

Love.

[freedom]

Today its my birthday, im 23 now. Yuhuu.

Dont feel like watching any P.

Nothing else much. Im doing OK, I guess. Well I should be going to rent a movie.

[working on LIFE]

Happy birthday man!

[freedom]

want2bfree said:

Happy birthday man!

Thank you very much!


Day 6 - still going.
No porn. Thank you very much.
Im gonna stay strong and have some faith. Discipline. I can make it.
Its only gonna make me feel worse - this is means to an end. Im not gonna fool myself nomore. I gotta whole lotta things going for myself and P is not one of them.

Im free to do whatever I choose to do and I choose to abstain from porn.

[freedom]

Day 7 - one week - still going!

No porn. No thanks. Not for me. It will make me feel worse and thats not what I want. No way.

I was just running for about 40 minutes, its good to give exercise to your body. Body will start to feel sad if it dont get its share of exercise.

Life is good.

[grillo]

Congrats on the first week Freedom. I'm on Day 2 myself. Wow. There is a long walk in front of me. But it all starts with one step. I should try the exercise thing too. I live in Mexico City, so there are not too many places to go running. But I'll make the extra effort to do it. Keep it up man. We are not alone.

[freedom]

Day - 8. No porn.

Ive been feeling a little bored from time to time and then the option of P slips into my mind, but im not going to do it.

I feel kind of weird cause its been a long time since the last time ive been over a week away from P. It feels kind of weird cause i feel kind of more clearer. Not like many times after watching porn i felt very heavy and passive for a day after and not very good.

Its good to give myself this freedom of clarity and not being numbed by porn.

Eventhough i have the thought of watching porn from time to time i can direct my thoughts and interest somewhere else if i just take a step back and look at the situation and the options it has to give. I need to remember that i do not want to feel those feelings that i get after and even during the porn that i always have seemed to get. I do not want to alienate myself from myself and reality.

So step by step, day by day, ill keep on marching on.
Im on a mission. And im not going to give up on it.

[william1000]

Keep it up Freedom and you will be Free. Good to see you are so determined
William