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Post by petitjean on Dec 8, 2007 17:44:26 GMT -5
0 full days porn free ------ O how I hate that zero! However, no new slips today though I came close early evening but 'dealt with' it. Did something positive following yesterday's slip - I bought Orroz's book instead of just poking about on his website. Reading something sequentially with no pictures is less like using porn than click-click-clicking more or less randomly on a website. Sometimes I can't figure myself out. Last night I watched Jacob's Ladder on DVD - don't know if anyone knows it. It was the first time I'd seen it. Anyway, the female lead - don't know her name but she's quite attractive - spends much of the film [trigger]exposing her breasts[/trigger] in a way that is not essential to the plot as far as I can tell. I generally don't have any problem with this kind of thing in terms of temptation to slip, but I know other people on this board do. However, if I accidentally see something I shouldn't IN REAL LIFE (eg, the situation with NG I have talked about in previous posts), then this is powerfully charged for me and can send me totally out of control. Something about seepage between the porn life and real life ... and this has fuelled my fantasies in chatrooms when I've visited them in the past. It's something I think I need to explore in future posts. Hi PetitJean, If you politician is Segolene Royale at least she didn't get elected President. Then you would have had to watch her every day. LOL. Well that's a mixed blessing actually William, given what we've got in her stead. But this isn't a political blog so I'll just call it a night. petitjean ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 9, 2007 13:46:31 GMT -5
-1 full days porn free ------ 0 full days porn free LOL. Well that's a mixed blessing actually William, given what we've got in her stead. But this isn't a political blog so I'll just call it a night. Well I didn't call it a night did I. After writing my journal, I switched off the computer and to-ed and fro-ed between between the living room and the bedroom for about half an hour. All the time porn thoughts were gaining ground in my mind, same girl as I had been thinking about before the last slip... Eventually I switched the computer back on again... This time 'slip' is too good a word for it. It was a full ten-hour binge that only finished at 11 am this morning. I bought a 30-day subscription to the site with that girl. I said before that would be total curtains for my recovery but hell no, I won't be beaten. The 30 day subscription is already cancelled (that's the reason for the -1 above - I had to briefly go back on the site to cancel) but unfortunately it remains valid till Jan 7th 2008, so I'll be walking a tightrope from now till then. K9 is back in place but a rubicon has been crossed there - twice now I've circumvented it with ease. I go to England on Dec 26th (I won't be alone with a computer, thankfully) and return here on Jan 6th, when the subscription will still be valid for one more day. That will be a massive triggering point, I can predict. So I want to ask a huge favour of everyone following this journal: COULD YOU ALL POST HERE OR SEND ME A PM ON JANUARY 5TH/6TH WARNING ME NOT TO LAPSE? A big thanks in advance. In terms of the number of hours since Oct 5th, my porn use has now gone well above 2% again, so has there been any progress? Well change there has been, yes. I no longer visit usenet, which had been the bane of my life. And the post-slip feelings of shame, of wanting to crawl away and die, are being replaced by intense anger, shouting and screaming at the screen. Instead of going to bed after my lapse was over, I was on fire and went to the nearby market and managed to talk in English on my phone and French to the stallholder at the same time. (I have grabbed a couple of hours' sleep since then.) In Orroz's terminology, I'm somewhere between the REVOLT and COMBAT phases, and he even uses the word 'tightrope' in connection with this. But I realize up till now I've just been playing at recovery. It might be a good idea to actually do some of the things mentioned in the books, rather than just read about them. I really do need to contact those psychotherapists. petitjean ------ THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME: I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 10, 2007 16:24:50 GMT -5
0 full days porn free
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Only a few days I was saying how hateful that zero was. Today it almost feels like a triumph. Actually I'm > 35 hours clean right now. I'll only have a right to write '1' when I've gone to bed tonight and got up again tomorrow without using porn.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, to a lesser extent Thursday, are not usually bad days for me as they are quite well structured in terms of work and other activities. Friday, when I work at home, and the weekend are much more dangerous times. Sundays more than Saturdays for some reason - I always hated Sundays even when I was a kid. This coming Thursday I'm likely to have a conflict, if not two separate ones, at work, so I need to prepare for that as a potential trigger.
I took a step today: too early to say yet whether it's going to be small or important. I decided who I was going to confide in. It's an old friend who's a therapist but now lives in another country. Funnily enough it's not someone who I've ever spent a great deal of time with, but I've always enjoyed his company when we've been together. Let's call him NP.
The last time we met was in Paris in 2004 when he was on the way to his honeymoon. He gave me an email address but it turned out to be wrong, so I had no obvious way of getting in touch until today when I found his professional website after doing a search. There's one of those contact form thingys on the site, so I still don't have an email address directly, but anyway I left a message saying I had to talk to him about something important. No reply as yet. I'm not looking for a therapeutic relationship here - that would be impossible at such a distance anyway - just someone who understands the problem, to have some regular accountability with by phone or email, or maybe Covenant Eyes, even if it's only once a month.
Of the two other candidates I've mentioned briefly in this journal, one (EJ) has a real problem with alcohol and a rather chaotic sex life. So according to Orroz he wouldn't be suitable - though I love him to bits. The other (UC) is an ordained member of a church and has two teenage daughters, so there's a risk he might take things the wrong way. (No individual human is in direct physical or moral danger from me.)
Before I sign off for the night: one sign of progress I forgot to mention yesterday: I no longer use when SO is staying with me (even when she's out). Up until about a year ago, I would often sneak a look when she was out or even - very occasionally - when she was in the bath or in bed. That's how I got caught, but after an interval it started up again even after that. But then I just sort of got out of the habit without even making a conscious decision. (The irony is, I was unjustly suspected on one or two occasions!) Wouldn't it be nice if giving up porn altogether could be just like that?
So, ending on a positive of sorts.
petitjean
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I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 11, 2007 18:12:41 GMT -5
1 full day porn free ------ O frail and fragile figure 1, how I love thee. Only a short post tonight as I've been busy all day and still need to prepare for tomorrow (work I should've done last Friday while I was slipping). Interesting, 'sleeping' and 'slipping' are only one vowel apart but there's a whole world of difference. No word yet from NP but I'll leave it a couple of days before trying to contact him again. petitjean ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 12, 2007 18:24:04 GMT -5
2 full days porn free
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And I notice I've just been promoted to a Junior Member! I'm sure it can't be a reward for my level of recovery.
Another busy day today - no time for a slip, even if I'd wanted one - and an early start tomorrow, so just checking in really. I'll try and get back into analytical mode tomorrow as the workload eases off temporarily into the weekend. Still no word from NP.
petitjean
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I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 13, 2007 17:54:30 GMT -5
3 full days porn free ------ This coming Thursday I'm likely to have a conflict, if not two separate ones, at work, so I need to prepare for that as a potential trigger. Well, all safely negotiated. The first conflict didn't materialize - the other party even apologized to me unprompted. The second conflict did, unfortunately, and I flew into a rage - very uncharacteristic for me. However, I got what I wanted, yet still felt unsettled afterwards. I hurtled home on my bike. This would be precisely the type of situation in the past that would send me back to porn, and indeed the Beast did bestir himself briefly. However, after I calmed down a little, fatigue took over - I'm still paying for the lost weekend - and I slept for a couple of hours, and the Beast is still asleep. (Funny how one slip helps avoid another.) This is a very different type of triggering situation from the one where I'm moping around the house with the urge gradually creeping up on me. The 'angry' trigger is almost non-sexual; I just want to use porn for the hell of it, as a kind of comforter. With my new post-slip mood, I can now be angry before, during, and just after a slip. The amateur psychiatrist in me tells me I've got some bottled-up anger somewhere! Some other bits and pieces: 1) An erotic dream from a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I was visiting New York (a city I've never visited IRL) and my accommodation was provided under some kind of apartment exchange organized by a 'Sex Club'. (I know, it's crazy, it was a dream.) Anyway, when I came into the apartment it was empty and I got ready to go to bed. [trigger]Then suddenly there was a naked woman in the bed. The face was a bit like someone I recognize from porn sites. We started to make love, but then suddenly there was a large, muscular, naked black man in the room - rather like Mr T from the A-Team, and he was trying to get into the bed. [/trigger]I was afraid and I tried to get away, then suddenly the scene completely changed and I was with a group of my students, on a coach tour of Australia (never been there either), all erotic content over. The initials FRC appeared in both parts of the dream - I have no idea what that stands for - and also once in another recent dream too. Another odd thing: that dream was from two nights ago, before I knew that those same students were going on a coach tour IRL today (but not to Australia, only to a town 25K away from here). I know what my therapist from 2000-01 would have made of the first part of the dream, but other interpretations are welcome, believe me! 2) I've had a stroke of luck insofar as the exhibitionist neighbour (NG) now seems to be away during the week, leaving her frolics for weekends. I think she must be studying in another city. This partly removes a major trigger. 3) NP still hasn't responded to my message. However, I've found another email address on his site so I'll try that. petitjean ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 14, 2007 17:18:18 GMT -5
4 full days porn free ------ In the interests of honesty, I should say that I haven't yet recontacted NP - been putting it off slightly - but I fully intend to do so over the weekend. Another one of those odd premonition things: in yesterday's post I mentioned Mr T (for younger readers, a cartoonish action hero from a 70s TV series). Well today, a picture of him is displayed on the Guardian newspaper website, which I use as my home page! Am I psychic or am I psychic? Just as I can have one alcoholic drink without it turning into a drunken spree, I'm sure other people can use porn just occasionally or for short periods of time without ill effects. (Un?)fortunately I can't, so I have to stop completely. Just as an alcoholic can never have another drink again. Although that's true what I say above, I think if I had another addiction it would be alcohol. I drink at least a glass most evenings (tonight, an aperitif + 2 glasses of wine, finished now). I was about to congratulate myself on only rarely exceeding the recommended weekly maximum of 21 units for men (1 unit = half a pint of beer, or a glass of wine, or a single shot of spirits), except that the UK scientist who came up with this rule has recently confessed that he made it up out of thin air, because he was under pressure from the government. In November last year, my friend EJ came to stay for a few days, supposedly to discuss a book we were going to start writing together. However, we spent most of the time eating and drinking and got very little done - which had consequences later on. After those few days EJ was very remorseful and decided to give up drinking and I decided to give up for a month in solidarity. SO was around during that time so she joined in too. EJ gave up after 5 days but SO and I made it through the full month, though I have to admit we were counting the days by the end. When I teach on a residential summer school, I share a flat with some other male teachers and of course we get through copious amounts of alcohol; I didn't feel so great about that this year, especially as I was using porn as well. Next year I will think much more carefully about my intake. However, in general, alcohol didn't interact with my porn use very much, In fact, I was often stone-cold sober as I couldn't tear myself away from the computer long enough to pour myself a glass! Heigh-ho, petitjean ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 15, 2007 14:44:39 GMT -5
5 full days porn free
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The deed is done regarding contacting NP. Waiting for his reply.
No slips so far today, but definitely a major wobble. I was playing around with my data recovery utility - don't know why, there's no data I need to recover, I think the Beast is getting sneaky - and guess what, I came across elements of my former porn stash, some files going back to 2005 or earlier. (I transferred the drive from my old computer when I bought this one.) The utility doesn't display the files immediately, I have to undelete them first, and I was in all honesty getting ready for a major nostalgia slip. Fortunately (!), most of the files were corrupted and unviewable. Only one photoset seemed to survive intact; I displayed the opening photo for a few seconds but fortunately (!) the model was fully clothed in that one. At that moment I thought better of it, re-deleted the whole set, ran Ccleaner (which is clearly not as 'clean' as its creators claim), and uninstalled the data recovery utility. (I retain the setup file in case I ever seriously need to recover some data.)
Since then, I have 'dealt with' the nostalgia urge. First time this week. However, I'll still have to be on my guard, as this 'technique' wasn't sufficient during my double slip last weekend.
As part of my drive to be a better person, I am trying to address another, less serious type of compulsive behaviour, and this is at least one I can talk freely to my SO about; indeed she has many times been an exasperated eye-witness of it. I had the very annoying habit of, when I'd lost something, not being able to rest until I'd found it, *even if I didn't need it immediately*. If the search went on for any length of time, it could drive me to loud swearing in frustration. (I can see my dad in this, except for the swearing.)
Anyway, I was just about to go out yesterday and I was looking for my favourite scarf, a rather threadbare one I've had since childhood. I couldn't find it - *so I just put another one on instead*. This is progress indeed. Indeed I still haven't found the scarf, haven't even been looking for it, and I'm feeling reasonably calm (even after today's near-slip). Let us put away childish things (ooops, sounds a bit religious!).
petitjean
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I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by manic on Dec 15, 2007 15:12:27 GMT -5
Sorry to violate your no-religion rule, but I did get a smile out of this coming from a self-declared atheist. But if it helps you to stay sober, quote St.Paul as often as you like - after all "all scripture [...] is useful for teaching" (2 Tim. 3:16-17) .
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Dec 15, 2007 18:14:48 GMT -5
Hi PetitJean, Happy to see your journal is getting positive. You are having a good week. I hope next week is as good. William
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 15, 2007 18:51:59 GMT -5
Petitjean, Firstly I can totally relate to what you have written on this page. The subscriptions, then cancelling them, but they are still there. I will point out however that they are always there anyway. I only 2 days ago, called the bank, and got them to cancel my credit card, I can't be trusted with it, that was a big step. Its amazing how much they tried to get me to keep it. As for the turning the computer off and walking up and down the hallway deciding whether to download porn or not, I know that all too well, the addict arguing with the sensible one. Usually the addict finds a way to outsmart the sensible one. I'm learning that these are the times, at the beginning of these thoughts, to get into contact with someone.
If you aren't attending SA meetings, you should have a look at them. I had 26 days clean and missed a meeting and slipped. The social interaction helps. I don't think this is the sort of thing you can tell friends and people around you. So many people stab you in the back, and a lot of people can't be trusted. At least with the meetings you can be sure everyone is in there for the same reason.
Its great that you ve come here to help yourself recover, try to be honest with yourself, if there are gray areas, maybe there are things you can do to get serious.
GL with the recovery
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Post by petitjean on Dec 16, 2007 13:55:29 GMT -5
6 full days porn free
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Hey, no guests for a while then three come all at once! Many thanks manic, william, and TLSE. I was beginning to think I was being cold-shouldered because of my recent slips. Actually I saw your posts last night as I was getting ready for bed; they came at just right time as I was beginning to get that itchy feeling again (nowhere near as bad as last week though). I will need you all again on January 6th. Plenty to work on in your posts but I won't be able to respond in detail to everything tonight. Sorry I haven't posted in your own journals, but there's only so much time I can spend here.
Manic - I was educated at a religious school and the cadences of the King James Bible are imprinted on my mind. We can find them everywhere from the Lord of The Rings, to major political speeches, to progressive rock lyrics, to contributions on this board, even from the non-religious. It sometimes seems to me we have no other language to talk about things of great moral and developmental importance to us. Like trying to do higher mathematics with Roman numerals. "Do we need to invent a whole new language for this? - Yes, I rather think we do." (Schindler's List). Marx and Freud tried but...
Back on earth:
1) I had yet another erotic dream last night, a short one this time: I was skinny-dipping in the dark, at a secret swimming pool behind Macdonald's, with a rather thick-set young lady I didn't recognize. IRL I rarely, if ever, eat at Macdonald's.
2) Funny no matter how many precautions I take, triggers can be lurking anywhere:
2a) A rather sickly-sweet spread that people but on their breakfast bread here has the same name as a porn model I liked;
2b) As I was walking to the market this morning, I saw a discarded woman's string in the street (it's that kind of area). There was no-one about so Beast said bend down and pick it up and stuff it in your pocket for later. But I said no and walked on. When I came back the string had gone.
Heigh-ho,
petitjean
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I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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Post by petitjean on Dec 17, 2007 16:44:33 GMT -5
7 full days porn free ------ I had a reply from NP today and have replied back to him asking for support. However, I couldn't bring myself to state exactly the nature of the problem and gave him the homepage of this site instead. Let us put away childish things (ooops, sounds a bit religious!). I can't speak for everybody but I suspect that for many of us here a key factor in porn addiction is *arrested development*. It's probably fairly normal for young kids to 'talk dirty' with other young kids - I remember my dad telling off me and my brother for always talking about 'bottoms and toilets', to use his memorable expression. I used to love those 'secret clubs' of 10-year-olds where one 'member' would solemnly unfold a picture torn out of a glossy magazine. Once adolescent sexuality kicks in, most people put all that stuff behind them, but for a minority of us it clings on and becomes a powerful mix. In fact, the first porn site I ever subscribed to presented itself as a 'club', and I remember the heady feeling as my trembling hand clicked on the 'Join' button for the first time. There was something of the kid in me there. Indeed, I've always felt it keenly when I've been deliberately *excluded* from something, some secret or some little clique. That feeling carried right on into professional life. I always had to be a member, to be 'in on it'. petitjean ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Dec 18, 2007 17:16:04 GMT -5
Hi PetitJean,
Your last entry was interesting. Insightful even. I could relate to it. Being the outsider but wanting to be the insider. Its hard to work out whether we are a minority or actually the majority (if everyone had the same access to P as we have).I wish had been one of those people who grew up and moved on. The lure of the forbidden is very powerful. It really is a Pandoras box. I can't work out why it took me so long to really decide to change. Yes there were alot of half hearted attempts but they ended quickly.
I was also wondering what the McDonalds dream related to. It could be warning you that fast food makes you fat.
Kind Regards William
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Post by petitjean on Dec 18, 2007 18:59:46 GMT -5
8 full days porn free ------ Thanks again for posting William - this time I've returned the favour in your journal. I'm not sure yet what MacDonalds symbolizes for me in the dream - I'm not fat and I don't have an issue with food. I've remembered who the thickset girl was though: [trigger]she was in one picture in an old nudist magazine that was kicking around for years in my private drawer at my parents' house. She was posing next to a much more shapely, prettier girl, yet she had this wicked smile on her face and I used to wonder whether she was jealous of the other girl. [/trigger] Regarding other noxious activities, I gave up smoking 7 years ago (though was never a heavy smoker)... This is a story I like to tell because it's a success story, without any 12 steps or self-help books or accountability circles or anything. I actually counted myself a non-smoker between 1982 and 1993 but in reality I never gave up completely, cadging the odd one or two from people at parties or when we all went to the pub. In 1993 I started a new, office-based job which meant working away from home, and from my then partner, later my wife (even later, my ex-wife). I shared a room with three great guys - still in touch with them today - but all of them heavy smokers, and it wasn't long before I was joining in. The trouble was, partner was not just a non-smoker, but ferociously anti-smoking, both her parents being 60 to 80 a day chain smokers (and both alcoholics to boot). So I used to hide it from her (ring any bells??), smoking every weekday but Friday when I would return to her for the weekend. Her brother used to do exactly the same to his wife, so we were like partners in crime. In 1996 wife and I moved to a place where we could live together but still commute to work in different directions each day. The trouble was, by this time I couldn't stop smoking and kept pushing the boundaries further and further - first smoking in the morning but not the afternoon, then smoking until 3 o'clock, and making copious use of mints. Right up until the time we separated in 1999 wife never caught on; when she smelt smoke on me I just used to say that we'd been in the pub at lunchtime. Once we'd separated I was of course free to smoke as much as I liked, but never really let rip, not usually allowing myself to smoke in the house for example. As I was coming out of my Year of Hell 1999-2000 (still to talk about this), I said to myself that if giving up porn was too difficult right now, at least I could try to give up smoking. I made several attempts, always saying to myself: "I'll just get to the end of this packet..." until I realized that the packet was controlling me. The day I gave up, August 22nd 2000, I was arriving at a railway station in a major British city. I was out of cigarettes, so I bought a packet, smoked the first one and gave the rest of the packet to a beggar outside the station. This time I was controlling the packet and something clicked, I realized I had smoked my last cigarette, barely a craving since. (I put on several pounds in the following weeks, but that's another story...) I struggle to find the equivalent of this gesture with porn: that outstanding subscription, I thought of posting the username and password on an 'adult' password site, so the pervs would all grab at it and the account would be disabled. However, they might have suspended my credit card* too, the one that tomlincolnsixecho thinks I should get rid of. And going onto a password site would be too risky in terms of slipping. petitjean * actually tom it was a debit card: I had the minor scruple of generally only spending only real money on porn. Getting rid of it would severely hamper my ability to operate financially. ------ I WILL NEVER USE PORNOGRAPHIC MEDIA AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
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