Melissa's Musings

[liss2402]

Had my 1st counselling session yesterday.
Man, was I exhausted after it! But at the same time i felt a little better.
I'm not sure if the woman i am seeing has any PA experience, but she does have addiction experience (substance abuse) and she seemed to be quite accepting of PA as a true addiction.

what was nicest about it though was her asking me how exhausted i was from it all - i had been telling her how noone knows - one friend and my h are all that know about this on the planet (and h's therapist). Her 1st response was "you must be exhausted" and i was like Yes, I think someone might actually "get" what i have been trying to do - keep everyone happy, and none the wiser of this huge elephant h & i currently have camped in the lounge room (or any room we are in). It's exhausting to constantly put on a happy face and pretend we haven't been having the hardest year of our 16yrs together.

i was also able to say how i was feeling about h's treatment - it's fantastic that he's getting help (and i truly mean that and see the changes in him) however, i feel like i am being left with the legacy of it all - the hurt, the anger, the frustration at it all doesn't go away just because h has finally started getting some professional help for it all.

I came home both exhausted and emotional - like everything i have been pushing down inside me for 6 months started to bubble to the surface and I don't think i will be able to squash it back down anymore - no matter how much i may want to.

I have another appt next week and weekly for the next 4 weeks or so - hopefully some of that anger & frustration will diminish over that time.

[liss2402]

Had my 2nd appt today - feel like i had a mini breakthrough of my own today.

I have come to the realisation that some of my problem i am carrying around now (aside from the obvious) is that i am really mad at myself for everything that i have allowed to go on - all the times i found p but let it slide, all the times i pushed aside my concerns and issues and believed him when he said there was no problem, that is was "normal" behaviour for a man to do (having no brothers, i didn't really know, or maybe just didn't want to accept?).

BUT - and this was such a stupid thing to realise - I can't keep second guessing all of my past decisions. The ones i made prior to May, were what was right for me THEN; by right I mean it doesn't matter if i now realise i just wasn't strong enough to draw that line in the sand that i have now drawn. I can't go back and change those decisions that i made.

Who I was then, is not who i am now - i can't go back and change things, so i have to take those decisions as the "growth" opportunities they were. Seems silly, but i haven't been able to see that before.

I also started looking at our "elephant" that is constantly in the corner. The one that constantly talks in my ear, that questions everything my h says, that examines how he is acting, does it look like he's hiding anything from me? the one that encourages me to search his drawers, his bag, his pc for any signs of p/mb.

I am getting very annoyed at that elephant at the moment, as it won't seem to shut up.
My therapist quite rightly pointed out however that that elephant has been serving a purpose for so long for me - it has been protecting me, encouraging me to seek out the truth when i was sure i was being lied to. It has kept me vigilant, ensuring that I am able to know what is going on, even if h has been lying to me.
Now that there doesn't seem to be anything hiding anywhere, or any lying going on, my elephant hasn't shut up though - I guess it's still trying to protect me - there's so much at stake this time around that i don't think my elephant will be quiet for some time.

Something that did depress me a little was when she asked how long my life had been filled with this elephant; staying in constant "hyper-vigilance" mode; what depressed me was that i can no longer remember a time that it wasn't there; for as long as i can remember, it's been there, quieter some months and screaming at me others.

No wonder I'm so (expletive)ing tired!

[liss2402]

Two things I must remember:

You cannot second guess decisions you made in the past; there is no point; you can't change decisions made in the past - be they years or only hours ago. If you truly think you have made the wrong decision, make a new one. BUT, that won't undo any of the time you have lost, live with that lost time, accept it as a growth exercise and be comfortable with your future decisions - from here on out. You don't make rash decisions, so whatever ones you make, they are right for you AT THAT TIME.

Listen to your gut; act on your instincts but don't constantly obsess "just in case".

[Mayberry]

Liss: Your reflections on "you must be exhausted" really got to me this morning, in the best and most helpful of ways. THANK YOU for them! I'd never thought about in that way but, reflecting on my own life, see some deep truth about how I've been feeling along the way. I wish you the best in your healing journey. J

[liss2402]

Thanks Mayberry,
It was a bit of an "uh-huh" moment when she asked about me being exhausted.
I have been so damn tired for so damn long, i hadn't thought that could be at least some of the why.

Trying to keep all the balls in the air, never faltering no matter what is thrown at me, is in fact very exhausting (go figure ).

Best of luck to you too, it's nice to know we can all learn a little from each other by reading as our respective recoveries unfold.

Liss

[liss2402]

Have been struggling again lately, but managed to have a very therapeutic talk with h last night.
My main struggles regarding my elephant & 2nd guessing past decisions have really been weighing heavy on me lately. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that i have heard nothing from h regarding his recovery efforts for over 2 weeks and was starting to panic that time was again running out for us.

Anyway, i ended up dumping everything on h in a 4 page letter last night (we are both still finding letters easier to open up communication doors as you can safely get your point across without fear of being cut off/shut down); he in turn gave me a 2 page one listing how he had been going.

MY GOD! What he wrote made total sense to me. He has come to the conclusion that a large part of his problem stems from the ingrained belief he has that no relationships ever last. As a child, he went to more schools than there were schooling years, and moved house constantly, so he's never had the chance to make any true, lasting, friendships. As such, he has always believed there is no point in giving your all to any relationship as none of them will ever last anyway.
Unfortunately for me, that means he has never truly committed to our marriage; yes, he has loved me, but he has held onto that belief that eventually i will leave. The saddest part is that due to his actions (which stem from his beliefs) that was a very real possibility.

So, now he is left with the very scary situation where it is time to give his everything to our marriage; to truly commit and lay it all on the line.
It's a daunting position for him as he has never done it before; unfortuately, as i said to him last night, I have laid my all out so many times for it to be trampled on that I am not in a position, yet, to put it all back out there - he has to do it 1st and hopefully i will be able to follow down the track.

As soon as he told me how he'd been going, my elephant almost instantly cut down to a whisper; i told him that too - lack of information, for me, leads to all sorts of scary thoughts wandering through my brain, making me a not very fun person to live with.

Hopefully, this is the start of something more "real" than either of us have ever had.

[liss2402]

Things are going well, h and i have just come back from taking the kids away for a few days. It was nice to get out of the house, away from PC's and from the stressors of everyday life.

Had a great time - lots of time together, lots of laughs.

I never thought that i would understand how his addiction worked, but i kind of get how it has all come about; he has never felt secure in his own skin, his parents have never really shown an interest in him, they constantly moved around. As such i think what has developed for him was a way to medicate himself, take away that pain of feeling like nobody wanted him (even though i thought i had made it clear i did; he believes no friendship/relationship lasts). I even, though i never thought i could do this, "get" how he could to the stage where it was OK to fantasise about people we know; it was far more powerful as a medicator if he could fantasise that a person he knew wanted him, not just some p star. Odd, but i am feeling a little OK about that part now that i have this explanation/understanding of how it worked for my h.

I am still confused though - i have spoken to my h about it, but i can't seem to work out how i have allowed myself to be missing out on something from him; i have always know something was missing from him in regards to using p no matter how i felt about it however i guess i still believed he was committed to me as he married me and, to me, you only get married if you are committed. I guess i just figured he was a bit of an arsehole with regards to his p use!

I am sure he was committed to me as much as he could however, how do i now know when i have that last little bit he has always held back? I know it's not something he has in his back pocket to pull out and lay on the table, but how do i know i have ALL of him?
It's odd - i am sure he is giving it his all, he lay on the couch cuddling me last night and it felt right, like, for the 1st time ever he seems like he is not distracted. Maybe that's the sign I need to show me that he's working on himself.

I think it's gonna be OK though - he seems far more attentive than he has ever been, far more communicative and far more involved with the family (even so much as to say he is cramping my style!), wanting to attend everything with us and seeming to actually genuinely enjoy those times.

I am still really tired from keeping it all a secret but, i think that so long as things keep going in this direction that my exhaustion will decrease and i will feel more stable and "normal" than I have felt in a long while.

[liss2402]

Things are still going well.
I am actually starting to really look forward to xmas - something i thought impossible 3 months ago.

[liss2402]

I have officially decided that life is GREAT at the moment.

H & I are communicating like never before & i had a major breakthrough a few days ago;

I FINALLY REALISED THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Seems stupid, everyone says it's not, but to BELIEVE that is something completely different.

I now truly believe that this has been my h's coping mechanism for life in general - when things get tough, good ol' P has been there to take his mind off his worries; when he's bored, old P is there, disillusioned with life in general? good old P again will take that away for a while.

The belief that my h was just an a***hole when looking at p even though i had asked, begged & pleaded for him to stop has gone.
Yes, some of the things he did were horrible, but I can now see how he could get to that stage with it - when you feel so insecure in yourself, to fantasise about someone you know is a much more powerful fantasy than someone you have no relationship with. It doesn't make it right, but i can empathise with how he could go down that road.

For the 1st time, i think ever, I can now sit here and know that nothing i do will or will not cause my h to act out - it's a decision he makes in order to cope with life.
I am thankful he is looking for other, more productive ways, to cope with life.

For so long, I have carried a huge amount of blame and shame regarding this- and a belief that somehow I contributed/caused or exascerbated his addiction has been something I have been carrying forever. The song "Am I not pretty enough" has been something I have listended to forever as it is how i have felt for far too long.

I am enough of a person, I am pretty enough, I am nice enough, I am polite, trustworthy & honest. Finally I am able to stand up and shout that I AM OK.

It feels fantastic to feel like I am going to be OK.

H & I are concentrating less & less on his "addiction" and more and more on re-building our marriage - movies, baths, reading in bed side-by-side. I see true changes in him - he is more involved, with all of us, than he has ever been. I think I am seeing the REAL him, finally, and I like what I see. ;D

Just wanted to put all that down.