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Post by liss2402 on Oct 21, 2007 21:22:19 GMT -5
Well, I have been thinking about starting a journal for a while now and, after the last week I think it is time i created a space where my random thoughts and feelings regarding my h's addictions can be put down so they don't keep swirling around in my head forever.
I have not had a journal since i was a teenager so don't really know where to start - guess where I'm at now is as good a place as any.
Well, it turns out, 6 months after our 3rd d-day (? I think, i lose count - arguments over p are WAY more, but actual promises by him to stop and get help would be around 3) h was still keeping secrets from me. Found a nudey mag last week - hidden away where he didn't think i would find it. Says he didn't use it but put it there to throw out and never got around to binning it. Didn't tell me about it as he didn't think it was important to tell me as he didn't do anything with it. He was proud of himself for not actually doing anything with the mag - that he managed to work through the urge and not do anything. I too am proud of him for that (& I do believe him), but that doesn't take away the hurt, anger and confusion i have as a result of finding it. To me, the fact that he couldn't see my side of it all showed just how little he has in fact changed. Yes, he spends more time with me and the kids, yes, he is more attentive with everything, yes he is more involved at work, BUT the fact he still feels a need to hide something like that from me shows that he hasn't changed in respect to trust and honesty with me. It shows he hasn't changed his "addict" selfish thinking - the old "as long as wifey doesn't know, she'll be right" mentality.
If I am to be honest with myself (and I guess that's why I started this), I have actually been seriously considering leaving h over this. To me, it seems like such a silly thing to separate over - a damn nudey mag that he didn't even use - but, at the core of it is the fact that i have NO TRUST at all in h anymore. Unfortunately, there is so much else that i do love about him that is making this decision even harder. I love how he is with our children I love how he looks at me I love how i can share everything with him I love his arms around me (which i am missing given we're currently sleeping separately) I love how he is honest with me (about everything but p anyway) I love sharing my life with him.
But it seems that so much of a marriage is based on trust & honesty - i can't live with someone who can't be honest with me.
I was starting to think recently that, since May, we had made real progress in our relationship, that perhaps, even though he wasn't doing any recovery work, he was OK and understood our whole marriage was balancing on this problem. The funny thing is, for the past 6 weeks or so, i felt like something was "off" - i knew he wasn't using the PC for p due to all the keyloggers i have, I also knew he wasn't watching movies as he'd have to buy one & I notice the $$, but something felt wrong. This is key for me to remember - LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. If you feel something is off, it probably is If you think he is keeping something from you, he probably is
Right now, my gut unfortunately is telling me nothing. I want to believe he can change, but won't put my faith back in him that quickly again. Guess, whilst my gut tells me when things a wrong, I guess i will have to trust it tell me when things are OK too, and until that happens i can't really put any faith in h no matter how much i want to.
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 21, 2007 22:08:30 GMT -5
Glad you started a journal - I hope you find a lot of healing in your writing.
I'm sorry your husband isn't being fully honest - I know how that hurts. Wish I had some magic words so he'd start being totally open and honest.
Glad you're trusting your gut!
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 22, 2007 3:24:00 GMT -5
Thanks LU, I guess I am just looking for somewhere to "dump" all those disjointed thoughts that keep running through my mind.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 22, 2007 4:23:51 GMT -5
I have spent all day trying to write my h a letter explaining how i feel and where i see us going from here. None of it is coming out right though. It either sounds mean or like I'm saying that what he did was OK, neither of which are the points I am trying to get across. All I am trying to say to him is that I can see that, as an addict, he could compartmentalise the purchase of the mag and separate it from the addiction completely. "I didn't use it, therefore it doesn't count". But I also need to ensure that he knows i wont accept that as justification for keeping a secret like that. Instead, what i find myself writing are lines like "I will not do that again", "I don't understand how you could treat me like that again" or "I do want nothing more than to move forward from this". I just seem to keep going round and round in circles. I'm not sure if i am setting boundaries, trying to tell him what he can do to fix this ("I need an action plan, not just general ideas"), or just trying to rehash the conversations we have had over the last couple of days. I think I'll just sit on it for a few more days and rework it until i get something that is understandable and resembles the thoughts going around in my head. Maybe it never needs to go to him at all and it will remain just a random jumble of thoughts spewed up on a page
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Oct 22, 2007 18:47:18 GMT -5
I think you should re read your letter. Check is it still what you want to say and send it to him. Its often more powerful written down than said. Its a test of his openess and honesty if he can accept the criticism. By finding out you have opened a Pandoras box for yourself. This is tricky. The last items in Pandoras box was hope. Best of luck with your struggle. I hope you refind the person you first met and not the person who you discovered later.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 22, 2007 20:38:33 GMT -5
Thanks William1000 I have read and reread it and will keep adjusting it until I am happy with the end result. What I need to remember though is that it is NOT a white flag, i cannot keep rewording things for fear of upsetting him and starting an argument. I am too tired to deal with any of that at the moment.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 23, 2007 6:46:40 GMT -5
Well, I did spend today trying to rework my letter - guess I'll keep going and get something understandable at the end.
H came home tonight and said he'd made an appointment with a counsellor for this week. I was pleasantly surprised that he had taken that step as it is something I really did think he would say but then avoid doing. Later on in the night I asked him if he could go to work late tomorrow as i have to go on site for a couple of hours and our youngest has been sick for 5 days and still unable to go to childcare. He replied that was cool, then, a bit later said he'd have to change his counselling appointment as he couldn't got to work late tomorrow and then leave early the day after. My thinking is that he can - he could start earlier on the Thursday so he wouldn't be leaving early, just working different hours to normal (which a lot of them do at his workplace). He has always claimed it's great working there as they can work their own hours as long as they do the hours they are meant to per week. Looks like it's only an advantage when you've stayed up all night p*ing and don't want to be at work on time. So now I am back thinking that he doesn't want the help after all - he'd rather not see anyone about it and pretend everything is going to be A-OK between us.
It's been a week and i haven't seen anything in him that is hopeful - he's spent a couple of days on RN but then slept in this morning and has made mumbling noises about "if" he does his workshop tonight.
ARGH I'm just so frustrated with it all. I really NEED him to step up to the plate if he wants to have any hope of saving our marriage.
Tomorrow i will call a counsellor for me - I can't live in limbo waiting for him to change.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 23, 2007 21:24:31 GMT -5
Today I feel somewhat relieved - I have a counselling appointment next week.
Finally, some help (I hope) for me.
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 24, 2007 10:36:59 GMT -5
Glad he made the counseling appointment - sorry he's waffeling about it - I think that is pretty common response. They do the head game with all their old lies "I'm not that bad" "All guys do it" "It's only a problem because it annoys my wife" and blah, blah, blah. Eventually the counselor holds an emotional mirror before them and they start to recognize those self-deceptions. I'm praying he'll go.
Glad you've found some counseling.
LookingUp
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 24, 2007 19:42:54 GMT -5
Today I am again a little more optimistic. I may be deluding myself (and I've done it before), but h seems to actually get the fact that i will not move forward with him unless he gets his (expletive) together. That means no more "white knuckling" it, no more lies, no more hiding p in our house - no more p full stop. He wrote me (another) letter last night. This one was more of a contract from him about what he will and will not do from now. In some respects it gave me relief that he did get what the problem was, but I keep telling myself they are just words - it's the actions that count. He has basically put the family on the line - one more screw up and he will walk away - he will tell our families why we're separating and take full responsibility for any fallout from that (as he should). What he didn't address, and i raised this with him is HOW he plans to meet these promises? His 1st counselling appointment is Monday week, he assures me he's going, that there's too much riding on it to not go. He again assured me he was going to complete the RN workshops. He accepted my skeptism at all of that as he knows he's done it but not followed through before. One concern I have too, and I have told him this, is that he has put everything on the line and therefore will do whatever he has to to hide any slips he may have. I think this past week has really given him one hell of a fright - that i would kick his arse out if he thought about continuing with p. He seems genuinely relieved that i didn't kick him out and that i am willing to give it one last go, on the condition he keep up his recovery work. If that stops, i have the right to walk away, as I will not live in limbo waiting for the next disclosure anymore. He seemed willing to accept sleeping on the couch for as long as necessary. I know I told myself that last time was one last go, but i have thought long and hard over the past week. Whilst we have had several d-days, May this year was really the 1st time he really tried to recover - he started RN, he looked on this board (didn't join, but hey, it's not for everyone), he even attended a couple of SAA meetings. I know none of it lasted, but i also know he seriously tried and that he is sick of living a lie. This time, IF he has a counsellor i believe he will be OK - he needs someone to keep up his momentum and I'm not doing it anymore. It takes far too much out of me and also detracts from my recovery. He also needs someone who is removed from us and will call him on it anytime he tries to tell them what they want to hear. He is talking about joining the RN personal coaching and i hope he does as i believe this is the one program that could help him kick it once and for all as it's whole focus is on PA/SA and recovery. We don't seem to have any counsellors in our area that focus on PA/SA. I am just so damn scared of letting him back in again. It almost seems easier keeping the wall up between us as it offers me some protection whilst i wait and see how he goes. At the same time, we have 2 beautiful children so no matter what happens he will always be in my life. I feel I owe it to myself more than anyone else to be sure, in my mind, that I have tried everything I can before I walk away. Anyway, that's my thoughts today - i'm sure they'll be different tomorrow as that seems to be the nature of this beast .
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 25, 2007 19:40:02 GMT -5
After writing yesterday I had a good think and decided that I needed to put some requirements on his recovery if I am to commit to staying.
Ended up reworking & finally settling on my letter to H and gave it to him last night. I put in it that I needed: 1. active recovery - he needs to complete the RN workshop as well as attend counselling. In the event this wanes I may leave him as i will not wait around for him to relapse again. I stipulated Active recovery because in May he started recovery but ended up just abstaining, not working through the problems and i will not do that again.
2. Check in time - that is we need to set aside some time every week where we discuss our respective recoveries. This is something we have never done and i think it is important as it is easy for both of us to stick our heads in the sand and pretend all is OK, especially as things get better between us. It's not rehash the past, but more to recap how we've both gone during the week.
He seemed to take it well.
I feel better giving him my expectations - that i won't have him whiteknuckling anymore as it means i just live in limbo waiting for something to happen to kickstart his recovery again.
Hopefully this time it will be OK.
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 25, 2007 19:48:45 GMT -5
Yay for you. I'm glad you could be concise in your needs and he could hear you and chose to work to salvage the marriage.
I pray it helps this time, too.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 25, 2007 20:41:39 GMT -5
Thanks LU, I guess the old saying "only time will tell" is very true here!
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 28, 2007 6:08:28 GMT -5
Well it's been a nice weekend. H seems to be really making an effort to evolve into who he really wants to be. He made yesterday a "dad and childrens' day and spent the entire day entertaining our daughters - including baking and icing a cake! The kids loved it, he loved it and I saw exactly what i knew was in there somewhere - a loving father & husband. We have been having some indepth discussions about it all - i have of course had further questions which he appears to be answering truthfully (was that the only mag? no p in the house, also includes the car, at work etc - it means anywhere). We have even discussed what will happen with any bucks nights that come up (he will not attend if there are strippers).
He seems a bit lost, but is looking for new hobbies - even spent the weekend doing jigsaws - the way i figure it, as long as it's not p it's fine with me.
Overall, I am feeling more positive than I have in a while (still have my moments of panic/concern which h seems to be helping me through).
I pray this time it'll be OK.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 29, 2007 17:36:24 GMT -5
I am a little frustrated today - at h and at myself. Part of our agreement was that he would work active recovery - last night i pretty much had to harass him into doing his RN workshop. I am annoyed at myself because i feel like i am forcing him to work it, but he hadn't done anything on it since Friday and that's exactly how we ended up at this frickin point - by him stopping the RN workshop and focussing on other things instead (sports, the kids etc - all healthy options, but not recovery work, the mag in his drawer was a testament to that). I am frustrated at h as he seems to think that "tomorrow" is always a good time to get moving on things - he was tired last night and wanted to go to bed, said he'd get up early in the morning to do it - which I knew would never happen as the alarm goes off at 6am every morning and he never gets out of bed before 7-7.30. I refuse to stand by and let him relapse, taking me with him, but i also can't be the driving force of his recovery - I am not his mum, I won't "make" him do his homework, but it is so frustrating when it feel like the committment to change was there until he was allowed back into the marital bed, then it all wanes away again. ARGH I am frustrated at this whole process. All I can do i work my own recovery and he can work his, in his own time I guess. I need to try and step back a bit - it'll be hard though when our whole marriage is riding on this one last go .
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