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Post by liss2402 on Oct 31, 2007 20:05:25 GMT -5
Today i am feeling flat - that's really the only word i can use to describe it. I am not sure if it all of this crap making me feel like this or the fact my girls are both ill and I haven't slept properly for weeks but either way i feel crappy, teary and depressed. I had to cancel my counselling appointment today (my 1st one) 'cos both the girls are home sick and it's not something i would expose my girls to (i have no-one else to watch them at this stage- plus they're contagious, so no-one else wants them!). Maybe that's what's annoying me - it looked like i might finally get some face-to-face help with dealing with this and i had to cancel it. It was hard to make the appointment in the 1st place, I think b/c I still feel very embarassaed and ashamed that my h has this problem - I know it is not my problem, that i didn't cause it, but i feel that people's 1st reaction will be that it's either me being insecure about something "all" men do or that to admit he has a problem reflects badly on me as a wife, lover, spouse etc. I know logically that that is all b/s and not true, but i still sometime feel that way. I have to call and reschedule my appointment but the girls will be home for at least the next couple of weeks, so it looking like late November now before i will even get to speak to a professional about it . H is meant to have his 1st therapy appointment on Monday. I think he is still planning on going to it. He has been working his RN workshop but we didn't have our weekly "check-in" this week as he has been working late. That annoyed me as it was meant to be the 1st one and we couldn't even do that - maybe I don't want to know (or hear the reassurances from him anymore)? I think I am just frustrated as I am housebound while the kids a sick - not their fault, but it does stop me from accomplishing pretty much anything - working, shopping, swimming - everything has stopped. Hopefully next week we'll at least get out of the house once or twice and then i might feel a little better. Just had to get all that frustration out.
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Post by liss2402 on Oct 31, 2007 22:42:41 GMT -5
Something is frustrating me - my h has taken to "refocussing" his attention by pinching the upper inside of his arm. I first noticed this a week or so ago.
It has resulted in quite a number of nasty looking bruises (including the latest one about 3cms in size).
I am very annoyed b/c i truly thought he hadn't slipped back into the frame of mind. He tells me it's to refocus "whenever his mind wanders" but doesn't say to WHAT his mind wanders to/from (I ask and all i get is "from/to anything"). Does this mean he is once again ogling women in the street, imagining them naked? Do I have to AGAIN worry everytime we are out in public that he is perving on any female there? Do I have to stop and question WHY he wants to go to the shops for a coffee rather than just go and enjoy it?
I am mighty pissed off at him. How dare he get back into those thoughts and not say something to me - anoth lie by omission. I know if i call him on it though it'll just be "well at least i'm doing something to stop it" rather than trying to work out WHY he's doing it in the 1st place.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 3, 2007 23:58:14 GMT -5
Great news - my sister is having a baby! I am so excited for them and can't wait to spoil their little bundle of joy!
I am so very happy for them, but the flip side is that it has brought up in me the realisation that I don't think i will get to have a 3rd baby anymore. We had always planned to have another child and were trying in May when d-day hit. I was planning on trying again from Jan 08, but, after the mag episode of a couple of weeks ago, i don't think another child is at all a bright move. It's, to me, yet another part of my life that is (expletive)ed up from someone else's addiction. It's not fair that my wishes & hopes for my life, which have always included more than 2 kids, now have to stop whilst i wait and see what my h does. Oh, h says "if you want another baby, we can have one" - but to me that is such a short sighted view - I can't produce another child with someone i can no longer trust to be faithful to me. In the past, his p use has always increased prior to and just after the birth of our children and I will not put myself through that. Oh, of course, he says his p use was not that bad when I'd had the girls, that our s*xlife was good after both children, but i clearly remember otherwise and I can't put myself through that stress again. I told him how i feel and he said "what if i do act out again, what are you going to do now?" me: "leave your arse" (or something to that effect) him: "so what would be different if we had another child?" me: "wtf? so I'll have 3 kids and be on my own? that'd be hard enough with 2, let alone adding a 3rd".
Does he not have a brain?
Just had to put that down.
Guess I'll just have to spoil my niece/nephew and hope that's enough.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 4, 2007 4:21:45 GMT -5
Hi Melissa, You last posting was tough to read. Your husband would want to get his head examined. So much to live for but so willing to through it all away. Its hard to understand someone elses addiction or what they can't break from it. I guess you have to be in their shoes to fully understand. I hope you both can sort it out and that you can get back to living your life they want you want to. It sad reasons for not being able to have third child you so want. Thats a very personal and deep inside need unfulfilled, thats not so easy to get over. I hope you husband truely learns the errors of his ways and open his eyes to what he has. Kind Regards William
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 4, 2007 5:37:11 GMT -5
Thanks William - sometimes I am certain h needs to get his read!
Oh, I know he isn't planning on acting out, at this point, but I also know he felt that way in May. By October, I found the mag - that's not even 6 months. Whilst he never used the mag, had I not found it, I can almost guarantee he would have acted out in the next month or 2.
For me to even consider getting pregnant early next year would be stupid, that's what he doesn't get. It's not long enough for me to see if it is a permanent change in him. He thinks I shouldn't let "his problem" stop us from having another child. I just don't get how he could think that having another child, that bringing another child into the world in an uncertain environment, could possibly be healthy - for him, me OR the child.
Anyway, he has his 1st counselling session tomorrow, thank god. I hope this time he can sort it all out and maybe, in 18mths or so, I reconsider. But we'll wait and see.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 4, 2007 5:54:59 GMT -5
Hopefully the counselling will make him stop and think. He probably has alot of deep lying issues that he's never brought up over the years. I think you are right about bringing a child into an uncertain environment. They need stability and certainty as they grow. It would be nice if in 18 months or so that you had some good news for us. Its certainly worth waiting for and fighting for. Children can be a source of great healing
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 5, 2007 17:31:52 GMT -5
Not much has changed - still feel like crap - sick of feeling this way but can't see a way out of it at this point in time.
I am feeling sorry for h as he watches me struggle with this, I guess, depression. He seems to want to help me out of it but really doesn't know what to do.
Hopefully I can refocus and get through this bout quickly. It's funny, it comes out of nowhere. One day I'll be all happy and smiles, engaging with h and feeling really confident about how it'll all turn out well this time. Then, the next day, for no reason, I wake up panicing about how all those times we'll been getting along like we are but he's acting out, so it's all lies and how can i believe that THIS time it's real? The argument goes on and on and on in my head until i just fall in a heap - like now.
I want so desperately to just move forward but I keep doing that and each time I set myself up for another fall. I don't know how to tell if this recovery effort is different.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 8, 2007 5:58:02 GMT -5
I think I'm on the way back out again - spent last night crying hysterically but felt better for it this morning. Maybe it just all needed to come out? H can't figure out what's wrong this time and, to be honest, I feel sorry for him 'cos there's nothing he can do to. I do wish though that he'd just hold me whilst I let it all out instead of lying on the other side of the bed hardly touching me, repeatedly saying "I'm doing all I can, I don't know what else you want me to do".
I feel like screaming at him - "sometimes it's not about YOU! Sometimes I just feel sad at everything I've missed out on, of all the lies I've lived and been dealt. Sometimes it just whacks me in the head and makes me hysterical when I realise everything I have put up with over the years - sometimes I argue in my head that HOW do i know this time is different? And even if it is different, will it be enough or is it a case of too little too late?"
H has his 1st appt tomorrow (last one was cancelled by therapist). He was telling me today that it might only take a few sessions to work through it - or as many as 12. I expect a long term recovery, not a "quick fix" so this has got me worrying more (like I need another reason). Oh well, there's nothing I can do or say as it is his recovery not mine.
Tomorrow I must ring to reschedule my own appt so i can hopefully work through my own issues from this crap.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 9, 2007 3:18:33 GMT -5
Well h went to his 1st appointment - but instead of coming straight home he went to the pub with guys from work. Normally this wouldn't bother me at all as he doesn't go all the time - BUT i did think he would come straight home after it b/c i would think if he was serious about it the last thing he would have FELT like doing after a counselling appt would be going to the pub for a few beers.
He's on his way home now and hopefully he will tell me how it all went. B/c he didn't come straight home i have spent the last few hours stressing about all the things that could go wrong if he's found himself the wrong counsellor.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 10, 2007 0:11:45 GMT -5
Well, H had his 1st counselling session - said it went OK. The guys he's going to apparently has treated quite a few PA's so it's good to know he is with someone with experience. Said lots of positive things about it when he got home - has next appt next Friday & every Fri thereafter until whenever. I tried to be really pleased for him, but it's hard when you are waiting to see what will happen. I am pleased he went, but I can't get all my hopes up after 1 session (where, from what h said they largely discussed what h wanted out of the sessions).
Oh, I am happy he is going - it's a big step for him to actually go to someone he doesn't know and discuss this.
I am feeling a bit better today - h & I had a big talk this morning about it all and I think he seems to get why I'm in this crappy frame of mind all the time more than I do; I'm waiting to see what happens really, and it's a crappy damn wait. I can't fully commit to us again until I see TRUE, LASTING change, but I also won't fully withdraw my affections ('cos I really don't want to) whilst I wait to see how it all works out.
As H said this morning; "you seem to wish it would all fall down around you (him act out) - then you'd know what you were doing." That hit the nail on the head - that's exactly how I have been feeling; like I want him to just do it ('cos it seems too unreal to believe it will never happen again) then I can at least start to pick up the pieces and move forward. At the same time though, other than this issue, I really love being married to him. He's a great dad & husband (when he's not ping) so I won't walk away and put my children through that (or me) if he is truly committed to changing, which he seems to be.
There's nothing worse than having your marriage balancing on the fence and there being nothing you can do about it. I HATE being out of control like that.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 13, 2007 0:55:34 GMT -5
Today is my wedding 3rd anniversary. H asked me last week what i wanted to do - that is, did i want to celebrate it? To be honest, I didn't know if i wanted to given the past 8 or so months - I don't feel it's something to celebrate.
Anyway, I hadn't even really thought about it, just trying to get through the days means I forget to organise things like that. H this morning though presented my with the most beautiful diamond earrings. He said he didn't want anything, he had his gift (me staying with him) but I wanted to get him at least a token gift to say "happy anniversary". I have just spent 2 plus hours at the shop wandering around, wondering what to get him. I have come to the sad conclusion that I no longer know my h. What he has always liked - PC games and the internet are no longer options for him.
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 13, 2007 20:26:22 GMT -5
Well, we ended up having an OK night afterall - I got a bit depressed about my lack of gift buying expertise, but even when i asked h what he wanted, he couldn't tell me. H is trying, but I just am seriously struggling to see the way out of this. Now our children are better and back at school/creche I have made a new appointment for me for 26th November with a counsellor. GOD I hope she can help me see the end of it all.
Some days I feel like I'm just holding onto all of this crap so I can keep my h focussed on his recovery - like, if he is seeing that i am still hurting that he will continue to seek help. Last time I let it all go, he stopped all recovery work and we ended up back at square one. But this is seriously no way to live - I don't sleep well, I cry every day, I eat like (expletive), about the only positives i feel i have are my children and my swimming downtime I have a few times a week when I am so focussed on remembering to breathe that I don't think about p for a whole 30 minutes! I need to let go of it and let him do what he will with his recovery....... how though?
I mean, he saw his counsellor last Friday, but hasn't posted on his RN workshop since last Monday, hasn't done any of the things his counsellor told him to do before his new appt next week. I won't remind him to do any of it, but it's like, because he doesn't "feel" like looking at p anymore (or this week) he doesn't see why he needs to do any of this. It's so frustrating.
I am starting to believe he is seeking recovery for ME, not for HIM and that is a key point that he can't seem to get.
Stupid thing to argue about last night- h wants a PS3 or Xbox. Wes posted the other day about being careful with these technologies and their internet capabilities. Up until then, I had no real issue with h getting one as long as all it could do was network games, which i genuinely believe is all he thinks it can do. BUT, after googling it, i find out you can surf the net from them. When I mentioned this to h, his comment was "I have no interest in p anymore" so it's a non-issue to him. To me, it's not though, it's a SERIOUS issue - he has no interest in p TODAY, that i believe, but forever?
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 14, 2007 6:16:41 GMT -5
It's been an odd night - i have been thinking long and hard about how it is all going here. H has been working on RN and part of the new recovery workshop is to get your partner to read a lesson and respond to the writings there. H asked me if i would be interested in doing it, so I printed it out today and have read it and have begun thinking about my response. It's an interesting exercise b/c whatever i say my h cannot respond to for 24hrs. I want to make sure i "get" both the point of the exercise (as i'm sure there's a lesson in there for me too) as well as ensuring i get whatever points across i feel are important, without attacking his past behaviours. A difficult exercise to say the least.
H was very down when he came home tonight, when i asked why, he said it's b/c he seems to spend all day thinking about all the negative things in his life, that he's done and trying to understand "why" he does them. It was interesting as it's the 1st time he's actually told me he thinks about these things openly. Normally it's just a "I'm fine" or "nothing's wrong", tonight there was actual dialogue.
Maybe it was a breakthrough....... who knows, watch this space!
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 18, 2007 0:05:13 GMT -5
Well it seems we have had a breakthrough. For the 1st time in a LONG time, h and i are seriously talking about this issue and what it has done to us individually as well as as a couple. H has has counselling sessions and says the 1st time he met his therapist he was really nervous but the 2nd time he was actually looking forward to speaking with him again, and has a weekly appt now scheduled for as long as it takes. My h is an intensively private person (the nature of all addicts IMO) so for him to tell me he is enjoying speaking with someone about this is a huge breakthrough. This week he actually seriously opened up and told me what they discussed both weeks - he has had homework both weeks and seems to be dedicated to doing it. The homework is why he was so down last week was to consider what you get out of p, why he does it, how he feels whilst doing it etc etc. It was meant to be done by looking at p for 10mins every 2 days and analysing what he was getting out of it (I nearly had a fit when he told me that). But, my h decided not to look at p (out of respect for my feelings on it) but instead, when he felt the urge to "check someone out" in the street he used that time instead to question why he would want to do that, what was he going to get out of it etc. I felt immense relief (and pride in him too) that he did not do the homework as his therapist instructed, but instead used another trigger (for want of a better word) to help him still complete the task. This week it's to read a book "the multiorgasmic man" - needless to say he's launched straight into it ! Seriously though, it is so nice to have "him" - the real him, not a phead, gaslighter like i feel like I have lived with forever. The change in him already is a complete turnaround from any other programs he has tried; for the 1st time i feel like he is doing this for HIM and not me - which is great, as i don't believe the change could be permanent if he felt he was being forced into it and only doing it because i told him he had to in order to remain married. In my anger and frustration at all i have been through b/c of his addiction, i have never stopped and thought about how it might be affecting him - when he told me all the negatives he felt about it i realised that he DOES want this out of his life, he does want a better life than what he has had. Once that light went on for me i felt almost instant relief that this just may work out afterall. I am in probably the best place emotionally and spiritually that i have been in for a LONG, LONG time. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel this good. I hope it continues. ;D
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Post by liss2402 on Nov 23, 2007 17:42:34 GMT -5
Last night sucked. H had his appt yesterday and seemed in a good mood after it all.
Unfortunately when by the time i asked him how it went i had had a few glasses of wine and wasn't really in the right frame of mind to have that discussion. As he preceded to tell me that they discussed how it's only recently that people are monogomous, that most ancient societies accepted and encouraged bigamy I lost the plot; i felt like he was trying to defend everything he had done. This morning, and even as i stormed off to bed, I am sure that was not the purpose of him bringing it up, but i am fairly certain that given my reaction last night he will not discuss it any further with me. I couldn't help myself, and i am angry at myself as i have attacked everything he has been working on just to shoot him down and hurt him. For what? It certainly didn't make me feel any better; and he looked like he hadn't slept at all when he left this morning so i am sure he doesn't feel too good either. I felt a little like he has no doubt felt this morning; apologising for doing something that i knew would hurt AFTER the fact - but, as i have said to him time and time again, sorry doesn't fix anything.
He is doing so well too - i do hope i haven't just closed all the doors of communication we have been slowly opening.
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