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Post by unbreakable on Aug 30, 2006 17:18:42 GMT -5
So this is me,
watching "Meet the Parents". When Greg leaves at the end and his girlfriend realises that she actually loves him and calls him to leave a message and tell him that she loves him...
...I cried.
That's me.
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Post by justmehere on Aug 30, 2006 17:24:03 GMT -5
I still have a hard time with romantic comedies. They're just not funny anymore. I watched one on a plane after D-day. Sat and cried in my seat. Not dignified or pretty. Totally makes sense. Change the genre of movie. Just a suggestion.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 30, 2006 17:26:42 GMT -5
Yeah, you might well be right.
*sigh*
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 30, 2006 17:44:16 GMT -5
Or not, maybe.
I dont know that I minded really. I think it was nice to cry at that actually. I was always a really romantic guy and I hated that porn took that away. And it did. I wasn't the guy who had sat with her in dressing gowns in a hotel neither of us could afford watching 50 First Dates anymore. I wasn't the guy who had gone to see Camp at the cinema with her surreptitiously glancing over everytime they kissed on screen wondering when we might. I was just this pathetic man that waited till she fell asleep and then sat up and wanked over porn for hours on end.
All the nice things about me, all the sweet things, that I always cry at movies, even the really corny ones, that I wrote her poetry, that I lifted her off the sofa and carried her to our bed when she fell asleep watching me draw...
I took all that away.
Because I was a liar, because my needs came first and all those sweet little things meant (expletive) all after that.
I'm not prepared to believe I cant be that man again. Or at least that man minus some of the crap that was lurking underneath.
And it's terrible that I hurt her like that, it really is, I can only imagine what it must feel like to have your illusions shattered so thoroughly over someone you thought was there for you, would protect you, and would be true to you. I can only imagine.
I don't think I can give up on Rom Coms yet JMH, because that's too much a part of me, I need that back.
And for the record, there's nothing ugly or undignified to me about someone crying in their plane seat to a film. Rest assured I'd be shedding a few a couple of seats over and it's always reassuring to know you're not the only one. I might try to send you a smile, but I wouldn't think badly of you.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 31, 2006 18:28:53 GMT -5
Good day.
I went to London suited and boote for a meeting with a similar organisation to our own. It was actually my Chief Exec who had the meeting, but she has me shadowing her at the moment to learn first hand a lot of what we face and what we're trying to do.
I was dubious at first and felt very awkward in my suit (not that I don't look good in a suit, but it's not really me). I texted a couple of friends in London to see whether they wanted to meet up with me to make the visit a little more worthwhile, but the time before the meeting disappeared very quickly and I was left worried that I would miss the opportunity.
Then things started to go very well. One of the friends I had texted called me to apologise profusely for not having responded. She went on to say how much she would have liked to do something but that she had a lot on her plate (she was very genuine and kind - this is the girl that recommended the Henri Nouwen book to me). I promised I would let her know in better timing next time I was down and was left exhilirated by our short conversation.
Next thing to go right was the meeting. I was very much a spare wheel to the proceedings and I had worried that this would leave me feeling unimportant and like a waste of space. On the contrary I left with a much wider understanding of my job, the world I work in and what I can do to help the people I work for and with. People were polite to me and didn't look down on me as a child in an adults world (Wow! I guess I hadn't realised I felt that...) and I felt part of the proceedings and productive. I think in writing up the meeting tomorrow I may also be able to add to my CEs understanding of the wider picture of the meeting too. I actually think I may have noticed things she didn't, her being closer to the matter, if that makes any sense. I left with a real buzz about my job and my ability to be useful in it which I really didn't have yesterday - I need to hold onto that somehow...
I guess with this added confidence and sense of worth I got back in touch with the other friend I had contacted. She was finishing off some work but if I was happy to entetain myself for a few hours she wanted to see me. So I wandered London a bit, enjoying the sights, the smells, the people (THE (expletive)ING WORLD, I LOVED MY WORLD TODAY!!!), entertaining possibilities of moving here...
She finished work, we had a drink and then had dinner together in a lovely mexican resteraunt. We caught up and it was lovely. Not incessant chatter to fill the air, but two old friends getting back up to level pegging on where we were in life.
I left exhilirated again and had a lovely experience getting on the tube, where we were both getting the same line, me back to the station - Northbound - her back home - Southbound - and we parted and turned our respective ways (that's me rambling, but I wanted to remember it).
Even my train journey home was good. I got a lovely message from my friend saying she'd had a lot of fun and then messages from another friend who was enjoying a tv show we used to watch together and wanted to share it with me and even finished a truly beautiful book (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer).
I'm just alive right now, so I'm sharing me living, I hope someone else can find solace in it. I've been low, very low, this is the proof that we can come back up. Today pull yourself up look out your window, smile at someone and have them smile back, congratulate yourself on a job well done and remember how lucky you are to live here and now.
Unbreakable
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 31, 2006 18:57:15 GMT -5
So, it was weighing on me that I might have ommitted something...
I had an issue today. I had to spend a lot of time in the station waiting for trains. Now what I used to do was browse in the magazine shop. I think I need to avoid them in future though, they're a pretty major trigger for me. I found myself picking up, what are called 'Lads Mags' in this country (basically, soft core porn) and flipping through them. I could half convince myself at the time that I was accidentally stumbling across images but not resting on them so to speak so it wasn't so bad, but it leads somewhere I dont want to go. Eventually I just walked out of the whole shop, but I was on the edge for a few minutes at least.
I have to keep away from the magazine racks as much as I possibly can. Shouldn't be too hard, I dont buy any magazines, if I go back there I know why I'm doing it and it's not acceptable to what I'm trying to do.
That wasn't a previous part of my bottom line, but I think it should be. Consider it added.
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 1, 2006 7:19:07 GMT -5
So my additional post last night made me think about something. My moodframes when I get close to a slip.
It seems to me that being in a good mood, being 'full of myself', confident makes me more inclined toward slipping. I ate badly yesterday as well and while I'm trying really hard not to equate the two types of slip it's difficult not to see a pattern.
Happy and confident, I ate crap and browsed magazines that I knew were innappropriate for me.
Looking back at my previous slips to porn, I think at least a few have come when I had convinced myself that I was getting 'better'.
I was accused of arrogance by my ex a lot, and I dont think I really believed it but maybe this was what she was getting at. When I stop being my usual, humble neurotic self, when I break out of that I go a step too far and the addict mind is able to take hold.
Maybe just rambling here. Just a thought, I'll try to make more sense of it later.
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 1, 2006 21:01:23 GMT -5
I was definitely bottoming out today. I'm starting to see it as the inevitable follow up to a period of joy/ happiness/ natural high.
People were inviting me to do things and I was finding excuses and thinking some miserable thoughts, various morbid scenarios I've had flitting through my head during depressive episodes all my life, raised their head. I ate crap too, and even stuff I really didn't want. I ate a bag of chips and a chocolate bar and had this revelation when I'd finished that I had no memory of actually wanting them. None. I'm not sure I got any enjoyment at all from eating them, it was just something I did.
So I got home from buying them and literally forced myself to go out and meet my friends. I phoned a cab while my defenses were low and then it was too late, the cab would arrive and I would have to go.
And I'm glad I did. It was, again, just good to be in company, to remember what connecting with people in a live conversation is like, new people, old friends, I'm good at this. It's very sad how much I've allowed myself to lose it.
I have to force myself out and into company as often as possible because i swear it does me real simple good. Seeing people smile, hearing people laugh, listening to people telling me their story. So good for me.
I want to wake up with this thought - Today I must take into my own handds the knowledge I have found of what I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF.
This is me learning. In these moments of clarity, I know how to fight my war and I feel like I can win. I fought back from very low down today and I'm very proud of that. Now I just need to do it again the next day. and the next day. and the next.
Pat yourself on the back.
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Post by justmehere on Sept 1, 2006 21:56:14 GMT -5
Your moods do cycle quickly don't they? My doc says that someone who is bipolar but misdiagnosed as depressed, and taking antidepressants will generally cycle quickly. I'm not even sure if you take antidepressants, but if you are it's just something to be aware of. I guess it's one way they often recognize bipolar (type 2, I think).
You are so fortunate to have a group of friends who do their best to pull you out of the isolation. You've got health, a good job, friends and creativity. You do have much to be grateful for.
I don't say this as kind of a "what have you got to be upset about? Pull your self up by your bootstraps. Quit being such a wuss." My dad has that view on blue moods. Sometimes they're okay as long as you remember to give yourself periodic affirmations that you are in a good place in your life.
Being single aint the end of the world.
Yeah, I'm rambling here.
So, you're learing. Suggestion? Take a gander through your journal. This one and the last. Find a few key phrases, like the one you put in bold. Write them up and post them in a few places. Bathroom mirror. Inside a cupboard. Near where you hang up your coat. By the kitty litter box. Wherever. These are the things from inside you that you've learned. They're much more powerful than anything anyone else can ever tell you. Try to remember what was going on when you wrote those things. When you pass them during your day, remember the moment of insight or clarity and say the words.
You can win, and you are. I can see it.
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Post by justmehere on Sept 1, 2006 22:20:26 GMT -5
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 2, 2006 4:43:36 GMT -5
I think you're right,
I actually dont have much to complain about. I suppose that's why I avoid doing it openly and also why I have been trying to pull myself up rather than wallow (which just seems my instinctual reaction, part of my own makeup I guess).
I do have good friends and I've neglected them and not taken notice of their presence when I was complaining about loneliness. Maybe I started neglecting them a while ago, after all I neglected Eileen to my very detriment, no reason why I wouldn't have thrown all my othere people into that behavior
So I'm fighting my instinct to be alone and going with my KNOWLEDGE that company comforts me and makes the bits of me I like thrive. When that happens my confidence builds and my insecurities seem to fade to nothingness. It sounds so easy, while I remember it anyway.
In that respect I see how your suggestion of choosing positive affirmations to put around my home would help me. I'll think hard about that. Reading bits of my journal here and there has helped me a lot recently, but sometimes the best bits get buried, digging through and putting them somewhere I can miss them is probably a very good idea.
I'm not medicated for depression and never have been. I know very little about it as a medical condition. My dad was medicated for manic depression for a long time, I don't know if he still is, I assume so (our contact is minimal at the moment, and I don't like to talk to him about this - I've given him enough chances, I dont feel like giving anymore). I wouldn't know how to talk to a doctor about it either. Plus I have a fear of medication, I always have, I don't really take anything unless I have to.
What a wonderful post you pointed me toward JMH. It spoke to me very clearly. I'm processing it and trying very hard to decide where I am on that analogy. It occurs to me that I may be trying to do too much of all of it at once without realising the knockon effect of not quite having dealt with one of the earlier parts yet. Tying into the analogy, is there any danger in opening all 4 fingers and thumb at once?
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Post by justmehere on Sept 2, 2006 9:45:02 GMT -5
I'd say it might be easier for some to do it all at once. Others may find that overwhelming and have to work on one at a time. Not entirely sure. You really don't want to get so overwhelmed that you give up and say it can't be done. Do what you think might work and keep open to the possibility of midifying your plan.
Glad you liked the thread. It's one of the best I've read on here.
jmn
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 2, 2006 11:54:18 GMT -5
I had some brief contact with Eileen today.
I texted her to enquire about whether she was in a position yet to pay me back or start paying me back the money she owed me. Maybe that was a mistake. I actually trusted that she would do it when she was able and my mum kind of talked me into it talking about how I would NEVER get that money back (It's over $1000). So it was probably an ill advised text message, and I probably failed to notice a certain amount of irritability in her firrst reply. However she became downright rude and although I didn't rise to it I did try to call her and smooth it out. I hadn't intended to make anything awkward or cause her any problems and I felt bad that I had pissed her off. Another bad idea, she was blunt and to the point and hung up.
A while ago this would have totally ruined my day though, and I guess the fact that it didn't is a sign I'm letting go.
I'm still sorry that I triggered whatever anger I did in her (I was really polite and I do feel she may have overreacted - the last time we spoke we were friends, it does seem odd that she can go from that to as nasty as she was today so quickly), but I dont think I can really take any responsibility for it. I guess her issues aren't mine anymore. Maybe I somehow made her feel she was still tied to me in some way and that upset her, that wasn't my intention.
I guess I'll have to live and learn.
Still, a good day. I feel fairly comfortable in my own skin today. Things seem right. I went to work on my kitchen and it's clean and fresh. I ate well and it was good (still craving chocolate and chips though dammit). Enjoying my own company too. heard from an old friend who'd like to catch up, England are winning at football, the sun is ... no, wait, it's pissing down, but hey, that's Manchester and anyway, I like the rain.
:-)
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 5, 2006 7:01:22 GMT -5
More contact with Eileen today, text messages... From her ... Sorry. My reaction was too much(See my last post) . Money's too tight to mention. And to be honest sometimes I wonder how much you owe me spiritually! I get pissed off thinking of the time wasted and the pain.My reply I gave a lot more than money, that's unfair. I'm sorry I pressured you, just take as long as you need. I'd very much like to be friends. You're very important to me.Her U don't get it do you? You will the day someone takes u for granted and keeps looking at all the other cute boys around while you walk by her side.Me Actually I do get it and I'm very sorry for the way I hurt you. I'm not proud.Her Oh and then she pyschologically manipulates youMe I'm sorry I hurt you. Very sorry. Do you think I lost nothing? But I was good to you too. I lavished care and affection on you. I loved you more than I knew I could. You're right. I *#&$#ED up. Nobody knows that better than meIf someone could help me here, I would appreciate it... Should I be avoiding this conversation? Am I being unfair to her? Taking anything away that I shouldn't? Not giving something that I should? Why is she still beating up on me? What can I do?
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 5, 2006 7:14:42 GMT -5
Her
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!
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