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Post by unbreakable on Aug 26, 2006 11:55:50 GMT -5
Man, what a sucky day.
The porn monkey is off my back for now, but I've fallen into loneliness. I wish I hadn't taken time off, this would just be another Saturday, instead of the holiday I spent alone in my living room watching TV.
Sucks to be alone.
You know what though, I'm going to take this opportunity to go a little easier on myself over something. All this agonising I've been doing about my 'friendships' is stupid. I'm lonely. Period. I'm reaching out, because it sucks to just sit here and watch days go by without talking to anyone.
So I spend time talking to people on the internet, emailing people, emailing girls. So what. It makes me feel less alone to connect with people and I don't think that's a bad thing. Loneliness does terrible things to people and knowing when I need to reach out and doing it is something I ought to be proud of not beat myself up over.
The situation with Claire blew up, because SHE saw an opportunity to get something out of me that she wanted. I wanted a friend and frankly if that hadn't gone sour I might have called her today and asked if she wanted someone to help take the kids to the park or something. My intentions were right which is why I backed off when she came on so strong. Maybe I should have backed off sooner, but I dont think it's suprising that I enjoyed a show of affection given that I'm lonely and single. My judgement was skewed but I straightened it out. Addendum to that story is I received an email from her (which I didn't reply to) saying that she had thought about it after I rejected her and she and her husband were going to try marriage guidance, so there you go, saving marriages all over I am.
So sucks to be me today, but I'm trying to make the best of it. Anyone feels like talking hit me with a pm, I'm easily found...
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 26, 2006 13:30:24 GMT -5
Oh for gods sake.
Someone just got all offended with me because I'm not their possesion. I really don't get this. I thought we were (expletive)ing friends. What am I doing that makes that so (expletive)ing hard.
If anyone knows that I need friends it's this girl and she got all possessive of me and squirmy at the idea that I might talk to another girl. For (expletive)s sake.
So to the person that told me this was an unhealthy relationship, kudos, you were right again. So I'm down another friend now.
*sigh*
A male friend said I could go out with him to a bar tonight. A load of his mates are having a BBQ there and he suggested I come along, hang out, have a drink with him and then we could hang around back at my place (he wants to get high and can't at his).
I think I should go. I need to have some contact with people other than over the internet, especially today, but I kind of dont want to. I dont want to drink, I'm nervous of being around people I dont know and know it will be uncomfortable and I'm already squirming out of it even though this is exactly what I was looking for when I called him.
God, how reclusive am I getting? Even when I go out like I did yesterday, i do stuff on my own. I really think I have to do this. I can already sense myself putting 'think' in that last sentence so I can get out of it without having to look back and see that I wrote "I really have to do this". (expletive).
I'm making excuses about my run, food, drawing my comic, in my head. They all suck. I need to see people and here I'm offered a great chance, even to meet new people. Dammit, pull yourself together, get the (expletive) out and get over yourself. Maybe even have a drink and relax a little, you're so (expletive)ing uptight!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 26, 2006 14:38:58 GMT -5
Better.
i'm going for a run. Then I'll go out. I wont drink. I'll take some of my comics. They're good icebreakers when I dont know people.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 26, 2006 20:27:53 GMT -5
Yeah, much better. I hung out with a mate at a bar he go's to. It was a nice chilled out place, a lot of his friends go there, he introduced me around and we chatted at the bar a while.
It was nice, no pressure and I didn't feel uncomfortable. He's a good friend, I like hanging around him. We have a lot in common and I probably haven't properly exploited the benefits of a friend I like that lives so near me and is single as well.
He came back with me afterwards and we played some computer games and listened to some music. It was good definitely. I need to spend more time with people.
Tomorrow I'm heading over to Leeds (my old stomping grounds). One of the guys I worked with is having his stag do. Again I should be safe from any of the obvious triggers these things usually hold for people. It's just a quiet dinner. I'm going to stay with Caroline hopefully. She was one of the 10 people I lived with back when I lived their. No issues their, she's like my little sister that wasn't. I'm taking every chance I can to see people over the next few days.
I'm also not going to log on and talk to D. I felt very uncomfortable by her possessive turn earlier and I think sever links with her asap is a necessity for now. Our 'relationship' is just not appropriate for me right now.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I'm making some good choices right now.
Wish me luck.
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Post by justmehere on Aug 27, 2006 0:30:46 GMT -5
I wish you luck. ya done good. jmh
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 27, 2006 6:28:56 GMT -5
;D
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 27, 2006 18:35:51 GMT -5
It's like riding a see saw on my own.
I can push myself up to the peak of the ride and feel that elation at the top, but the ride back down is crushing, fast and painful.
So low. I went to Leeds to the meal, sent text messages out to several old friends there asking if they would be around and wanted to hang out. No replies. Nothing. So I wandered waiting to meet for dinner. Met, had dinner and then got the coach back home. I guess I could have stayed but going clubbing didn't seem like something I could do.
I just feel so much less than all these people somehow.
I'm tired and lonely and so sad to be here alone.
I dont want to be here.
Goodnight.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 28, 2006 8:43:41 GMT -5
Yeah, last night sucked. But at least I didn't spen it on the computer.
I came home to an email from D asking me to 'come back' but I resisted the urge. The reality is our rrelationship was innappropriate from me and in retrospect it just made me lonelier in the long run as it reminded me of what I dont have.
This morning sucked too. I walked out to the village to buy some food to cheer myself up. Unfortunately the guy at the counter trying to make small talk said "So, you got some people coming over today?" (Indicating the food I was buying), I felt so lame that I lied and said yes. I could have cried walking home.
When I got5 back, my mum was taking some bits and pieces to the rubbish dump. I offered to help and she clearly didn't think I would want to as she said, "Don't worry if you dont feel like it". Nothing better to do so I went and strangely made me feel better. It might be as simple as company. Human contact.
My friend called and asked if I wanted to go play golf with him. I dont rreally feel like it, but I'm going. I juts have to spend more time with people, it's clearly good for me in the long run. I need to reintegrate myself into society every way I can.
First step is here and now.
Have a nice day everyone, I'm really trying to.
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Post by justmehere on Aug 28, 2006 9:37:23 GMT -5
It does sound like you are trying, with your mom and your friend and D. The ending of any type of relationship brings a kind of grief and withdrawal, even if it's you who decides that it must end. So... yeah this is going to stink a little, but you are learning boundaries. Growing pains, I guess, but I do think you're headed in the right direction.
D may even try to "re-invent" the relationship. She might say, well, then we won't cross those lines, or I won't be posessive or whatever. I'd highly caution to to resist that. Rarely, if ever, can relationships really be turned around. If you'd had a close friendship for years that you wanted to be salvaged, I could see trying, but, from what I can see, this relationship wasn't all that healthy.
Just guessing here. Could be off. Just suggesting she may try different tactics to get you back and that you might want to be aware.
jmh
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 28, 2006 13:08:04 GMT -5
Thank you,
I think you're right and I'm wary of that. I just think nothing is the way forward. I feel very cruel just breaking contact, but I think I need to for me if nothing else.
I went and played golf with two friends. It was good. Again, it's as simple as being with people really.
Although both of these two I was with are fathers now (well one new father, one father to be) and they were talking about father (expletive). It made me green with envy really, I know, I'm supposed to enjoy my bachelorhood, but I guess that's not me really. I'm jealous that both have their families and I started off thinking it was just going to leave me more depressed hanging out with them. The reality is that it didn't, I enjoy being with people and I had missed it. I need to not turn ANY opportunities to do things down.
That's my lesson for the week; If I'm invited to do ANYTHING at all that involves being in peoples company I WILL NOT turn it down. I will try to be proactive to get myself invited to do things as well and see if I can broaden my social circle a little.
I feel full today. I've done some good witth this holiday, I can't let it go to waste.
Thankyou JMH, your words do me a lot of good.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 29, 2006 8:09:37 GMT -5
The drama of this board is distracting. I wont get involved. I post here and on the 100 days thread and maybe one other persons thread.
Today is my last days holiday. I think it's been ok, I proved some things to myself.
I suspect that it would be easier for me to socialise if I still drank. Most people my age go out drinking when they get together. I almost exclude myself from that by not doing so. It's not a good enough reason though.
I stopped drinking because I didn't like the person I was when I was drunk. Also as a way to lose weight but mostly the first reason. I had several instances where I had pissed myself while I was passed out and I hated it. I also used to send text messages innappropriately when I was drunk.
Something that happened early in my realationship with Eileen that I never told her about:
I called a female friend of mine (the same girl Eileen had been so jealous of) and told her how much I wanted her over the phone. I dont remember the conversation very well, but I do remember her asking "What about Eileen, I thought you were a couple now" to which I replied "(expletive) Eileen I want you". I'm terribly ashamed of this. Eileen had given up a lot to be with me (she was living with a guy in a lovely house when she met me and although she always said she was leaving anyway I know it was my remonstrations that I would have nothing to do with her while she was with him that pushed her to leave) and I was ostensibly trying my best to cheat on her just weeks into our relationship. I didn't love her then, but I fell very deeply in love with her. Perhaps I never deserved her. She always saw us as soulmates and particularly early on in our relationship I didn't see what she saw. Apt then perhaps, that I continued to see it long after she stopped.
I always felt drink made me this person, I'm certainly not like that when I dont drink.
When I quit, did my porn use go up? I wouldn't be suprised. I quit smoking marijuana at the same time, something I had had as a crutch for nearly ten years (yes I started smoking pot regularly when I was 14) and it wouldn't be unbelievable that I replaced one addiction with another.
It's been 20 days tommorrow (porn). Nothing really. I long for the day when I have some real sobriety behind me to be proud of.
I mustn't forget my sobriety, in this struggle to recreate my social life I have to remember what lead me to isolation in the first place and continue to fight that as hard as I did last week.
Just thoughts for the day.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 30, 2006 9:06:23 GMT -5
Yesterday the world reached out and touched me and it felt good to be alive.
My day started badly, I woke up late wondering what had become of my holiday. I guess I had a fear that all the good things I had done with surrounding myself as best as I could with other people had actually made the loneliness ever more apparent and maybe even fiercer than ever.
I got up as quick as I could and went into town, looking for something to do to take my mind of my loneliness. It made things so much worse. In the city centre I saw hundreds of people smiling and laughing and getting on with their lifes. I felt like an outsider. Like I was caught in a bubble watching life float by with no way for me to opt back in. I felt scruffy and ugly in comparison to other people. Alone where other people walked in groups and did things together. It was really horrible.
So I made my way home. As I sat down on the bus I felt the book I'd stuck in my back pocket (I'd had images of reading in a cafe somewhere, but had felt so alienated from the world I couldn't bare it). So I picked it out and started reading and it spoke back to me.
Really.
It talks of turning Loneliness to solitude, Hostility to Hospitality and other things and it really spoke to me. It made me feel ok to be on my own, because actually my heart is in me. No one else can make it beat and while I can surely enjoy the company of others, I have to let go of the feeling that company, romantic or otherwise is the answer to my problems, because right now it isn't. There is no miracle cure to this, but that's ok. Not knowing the answers needn't be so hopeless because I can live my life trying to find them.
I'm sure this sounds rambling and incoherent, but this book touched me. it really did.
Reaching Out by Henri Nouwen.
I'll probably add some passages later.
.....................................................................................................................................................
Today is 20 days and I find myself very proud of that. I've fought the urge at least once, and I had to fight it so had. I look forward to my next battle, because I KNOW I'll win that one too.
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Post by justmehere on Aug 30, 2006 9:15:48 GMT -5
Henri Nouwen is an amazing author. I think I may have a few books of him myself. I am not surprised he spoke to you and I'm grateful that he did.
I absolutely loved this journal post.
jmh
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 30, 2006 15:02:24 GMT -5
So I actually got very dark and angry in the second half of my day and I came back here to write about it...
...but then I read my last journal and my last reply and I lost it.
Leaving with a smile.
Day 20
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Post by justmehere on Aug 30, 2006 15:04:53 GMT -5
Now, THAT's what journals are for. jmh
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