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Post by unbreakable on Aug 20, 2006 16:55:47 GMT -5
OK,
disclosure time.
When I cam here the first time I had a compulsive masturbation problem made worse by a regular porn bingeing habit.
When I left I met a girl online at around the same time. It was on a night I was very low and very alone and we exchanged pictures. I had never done anything like this before and I was aware that I was moving into a very desperate territory. On that first night the pictures she sent me were of a very sexual nature. I masturbated twice whilst online with her. It wasn't a shared experience just something I did. I kept pushing for more and more pictures and eventually I just did it. In retrospect it was very much like my porn binges of old, waiting and waiting for the 'perfect' image to come along. I know those images never come and eventually the actual orgasm tends to be a letdown (there's a hint right there).
So the next time we spoke I told her about my PA and our relationship changed. For a while we maintained a friendly (but romantically tinged) relationship. This inevitably progressed into something more sexual. We were spending a lot of time together by now and 'cybering' quite often. This was all totally new to me. I'm not sure how comfortable I ever was with it in reality, but I always want to please in a sexual relationship and I kinda felt like I was doing.
She often helped me to justify our behaviour by saying the difference between it and my porn habit was that this wasn't a solitary thing, and maybe that's true. But, it was never right for me.
I'm a sex addict and I know why I came to recovery in the first place. This wasn't helping my recovery. In fact I fell back into using pornography, not often but enough that I noticed I was becoming more and more comfortable in my own ways.
So, that's it.
(expletive) while I'm at it...
The other night I was on a message board talking to some friends. One of them in a joking argument with another friend over who went out with the best looking women posted a few pictures of girls he'd been out with. One of the girls was really striking. It's just a head and shoulders shot but she seemed so alive and so beautiful. Someone else told him to take them down later on in case they annoyed someone. When i realised he was going to remove them ... sigh ... I downloaded them. I even have them on my mobile phone. I dont know why. I dont know why I have them. Her face haunts me. I think I kind of like it haunting me. I dont know why.
I guess the answer is that if I'm posting it here, I at least know it's not right don't I?
(expletive).
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 21, 2006 12:38:10 GMT -5
Let it be.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 21, 2006 14:27:00 GMT -5
Well, I thought I was going to have to come back and edit my disclosure because I rushed it so much, but it's all there.
I dont know how I feel about the photo. It does something for me, but I don't think it's sexual. It is a little weird, but I'm not exactly walking a normal line here.
Today was a good day. A lot went right.
I've been out of University for 5 years and never quite managed to clear my debts. I never understood it. I got close, but then went into quite a low paying retail job (even as manager) and failed to adapt my living to my new means. When I started my current job (14 months ago) things should have changed. The pay was much better and I had quit drinking and smoking and buying drugs. But things stayed steadfastly the same, I just couldn't shift my overdraft. If anything it got worse (especially whilst supporting my ex who didn't work). I never understood it, just figured I was terrible with money and overdraft was my destiny.
However today, I found out that I have been in the wrong tax code since I started my new job. It's not going to be a quick process but the money I should get back from the tax people is going to change my life. That much. It's going to CHANGE MY LIFE! I'm so thrilled. I always felt like I worked so hard and it was so unfair. I couldn't understand how people brought housses and saved money and in a stupid way I have been doing. I will clear my overdraft and then some, my wages will increase each month as I wont be paying the same stupid amounts of tax, my savings (what little I had mustered) actually mean something now, rather than just being food for my overdraft. I'm actually going to come out of this (expletive) in credit.
I almost want to cry. Plus, I've been at work for over a year and I'm about due a pay rise anyway. Oh my god, my (expletive)ing finances are sorted. they're actually sorted. Now if I can just get the couple grand I'm owed between my Dad and my ex, (expletive), the future is bright.
What else...
I had a really good chat with a friend today. Someone I'm very fond of who has filled me with a lot of hope and faith. She is pretty inspirational right now as she's building herself a social life and it gives me hope that I can make the same steps out of this funk I spent the last 12 months or so in, some of that addiction haze, some the depression that followed.
Yesterday I invited some friends round for Sunday dinner. My tow closest male friends and their girlfriends. neither girl could make it in the end, which was a shame, we lacked the feminine touch, but it was still nice. I dont cook for myself, so it was nice to make the effort and for it to work out. I even dragged a dining table up from one of the spare rooms downstairs and turned a disused corner of my living room into a dining area, with candles and place settings. The meal was easy (pasta and antipasta) but good and devoured the way only boys know how. I'm going to try and make a regular thing of it. learn to cook again and just see people. I used to have so many friends. They're all still there. I just need to see them.
So, life is good, the future is hopeful and I'm on day 12 (I think) porn free.
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Post by gordoni on Aug 21, 2006 14:38:34 GMT -5
Hi unbreakable, Sounds good! I'm glad things are going a bit better for you right now. And I can really identify with some of the financial issues you've had. I wish I could find out that I'd been in the wrong tax code all that time All the best, Gordon
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 21, 2006 15:15:59 GMT -5
Hey man, thanks for the reply, it means a lot.
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Post by jamais on Aug 21, 2006 15:54:31 GMT -5
Whew! "Cybering" sounds extremely dangerous to me. I'd eschew that at all costs.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 21, 2006 17:50:20 GMT -5
Don't worry. I'm done with that. It was entirely a mistake for me.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 22, 2006 8:10:06 GMT -5
So, I had a bad time last night.
Contributing factors...
Tired, I was up late the night before. Wired, 4 cups of coffee, three cans of diet coke. I ate crap and ate after 7 too. Spent an hour on the phone with tech support. 50 minutes on hold. Scared at being left without my computer which may need to go for repair. Inability to extradite myself from the internet. Watched a film where the message seemed to be, fugly guys get the pretty girl eventually because they get bored of the lookers and accept that a fugly guy will work harder!!
So I made the problem worse by staying up late again. Was talking on message boards (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). Got talked into looking at myspace. People have been trying to talk me into dating and suggested it might be a good way to find likeminded, single girls, nearby. I guess it could be, but it was somehow depressing browsing around it. And I'm faintly aware of reading stories of other SAs having problems with myspace.
In addition to this, a friend suggested (she isn't the first) that I might have a problem with love addiction. That my achilles heel, so to speak, was a need for attention from women and that would explain the amount of reaching out I do to various girls over the net. I don't really know if this is something I need to 'quit' or not. I'm lonely and this makes me less lonely ... sometimes.
Interestingly, the message board I've been posting on a lot is full of guys and I feel quite at home there.
I wonder if that's a healthier place for me.
Or should I just be going on the internet less.
Still no porn, cigarettes, drugs, alchohol or masturbation. I was tempted to masturbate last night. maybe that's all the reason I need to get off myspace?
I'm low today, want to get an early night tonight. But I want company. I want female company. Sigh. Be comfortable on your own first.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 22, 2006 16:51:28 GMT -5
Because I find it hard to say the good stuff about myself sometimes...
I fought it off today. I heard a damn powerful urge today. probably started on myspace (HINT HINT that's a place you shouldn't hang out!!!) just flirting around the place. I quit out when I felt things stirring and tried to do some work, but the monkey was on my back. Next thing I found myself tricking myself into going to the shop to buy 'light bulbs', really I wanted junk food. I resisted buying stupid amounts (I'm trying to eat a dinner before 7 and then nothing after) but still picked a bag of chips and a chocolate bar. I got to the counter and realised I was pulling my old trick of ogling the mens mags on the shelfs.
I suddenly realised, the junk food, the ogling and the urge to masturbate I had tied them altogether, so if I make one slip (eating a chocolate bar!?! I'm equating that to porn now!?!) I'm going to make them all. As I was leaving, I realised I didn't have to do that. I closed my mind to it and walked home deciding CHOOSING not to slip. When the thoughts to break were strongest I could feel myself reaching to the chips in the bag subconsciously. I stopped myself several times.
I calmed the whole thing got home and put the chocolate awawy. i didn't need it and I knew it. I did eat the chips, but I started to work on my comic instead of going back to the computer and actually got productive.
I even went for my run early (I've been wanting to move my hours forward so I could get to bed earlier and this is the first step). And get this ...
I added a whole half a lap onto my run and still stormed it. I did good today. I'm pleased. Now I need to be in bed in an hour and all will be right with the world.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 23, 2006 8:49:40 GMT -5
Another thing that I didn't add to my list of triggers from last night was that I had read an entry in another users journal.
Now it was actually a quite romantic and sweet description of a date they had had, but it had me building to destruction. Jealousy, a sense of loss for what I had that I dont have that i saw in the post.
Funny, because I'm rarely triggered by graphic sexual descriptions, it's loving, warm, descriptions that get me.
I've been reading a little about love addiciton and I see that in me.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 24, 2006 5:22:28 GMT -5
So, I feel like I just broke someones heart.
It had been suggesteed to me that I look for validation in girls and set up all these little friendships to elicit affection in order that I might support my ego. I guess I didn't want that. I want to be comfortable in myself and not need it from other quarters.
I was sort of trying to break of the most intense of these flirtations a while ago. The girl who I had 'cybered' with. I wanted to be honest with her, so i ried to explain about the many female friendships I carry on and my fear of what I use them for. She actually knew about most of them already, but I guess I hadn't explained it as well as I did just now.
She told me I had taken something away. That I had always made her feel special and now she just felt like one of my list (she asked me exactly how many of these girls there were and I furnished her with a list).
She left it with that.
I dont know how I feel. I think I really hurt her. The way I hurt Claire (the married girl from a few pages up). But it's not fair, she knew me better than anyone else. She had read my journal (my old journal), I've told her what I'm like, I've said how manipulative I am and I've tried to keep her at arms length because I didn't want to hurt her, and somehow i did anyway.
I knew she was more into me than I was her, maybe in that sense this had to happen. Maybe this is a blessing. I was involved in something that had no future (she lived 5000 miles away, but told people I was her boyfriend).
When i met her she told me she had a long history of having internet sexual partners. She showed me a journal with all of them listed, 14 or so guys in all, I got added there eventually. Wow, there's an ironic parralell.
This was a relationship that was unhealthy for me in every way. She is an intelligent girl and I liked to talk to her, she offered great advice and I felt empowered by the advice I offered her. That's a friendship right?
No matter what it had started as, we had become friends in my eyes, I just thought we were something different in her eyes.
Blech, I dont know where I'm going with this. I hate hurting people, but maybe sometimes it's necessary.
Did I cause this mess? You know what? I dont think i did. She read my journal and still got me into a sexual relationship. I'm not saying I had no say in that, but she knew what I was fighting with better than anyone.
God, I hate this, I want to take the blame here.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 25, 2006 7:48:14 GMT -5
I sorted things out. Although I haven't cut her loose so to speak. It's weird. I dont know how to ex[plain it right now. I guess she's a good friend and I have no upward limit on good friends so why say I want to break contact with you. I'm confused. Part of me see's a problematic side to our relationship, part of me thinks its harmless.
GAHHHHH!
Anyway, today the urge to masturbate is really strong. A discussion I was in on a message board last night took an inadvertant turn that lead me to triggering material. Wow! That's actually a lie. I could have avoided it if I wanted and I KNEW triggering material lay ahead, but I followed it anyway. As I'm sure a part of me knew, it built an urge in me to masturbate and I heard all the old arguments about it being natural, you're alone, single, horny, why the hell shouldn't you. You wont download a ton and binge like last time, just watch one clip, satisfy the urge then go to bed.
I actually dont know what stopped me in the end, but I woke up preoccupied by the same thoughts this morning. I've just noticed actually that my head is focusing on one of the images that confronted me last night and trying to recreate the same trigger to urge...
Probably sitting in front of the computer doesn't help either as it puts problem material so much coser to reach. I'm off work for a few days and it would totally ruin any semblance of a holiday if I allowed it to degenerate into a porn binge.
I'm gonna get out. I brought a book which arrived yesterday called Reaching Out. It's an exploration of christian spirituality that was recommended to me by a female friend (*sigh* yes another one, is it bad that I have so many female friends? Help on this would be appreciated...). I'm not religious myself, but the implication was that a lot of whats in there can be applied to anyone questioning who they are and what they want from their personality. So I go armed with that and slightly less intellectually, this weeks comic haul, which is a lot.
...........................................................................................................
I found another message board and joined it. It's a special interests thing, not a support board or anything to do with SA/ PA. On the board there was a little cliquey thread which I joined. It's mostly guys and they just return to the same thread whenever they're on and shoot the (expletive).
I emphasise that it's guys because of the concern I've expressed above about my constant seeking out of women and seeking approval from them.
I've never felt like much of a 'guys guy' and so it's been really nice to have been accepted into this group and made to feel at home. It's nice to have male friends online too.
Do men that frequent message boards and internet talking points tend to be more inclined towards superficial conversation than women? Maybe that's it. I like to have deep conversation, I like to actually connect with people. Men seem more happy to have surface conversation but often wont go deeper. Maybe that's the attraction to making female friends to talk to. If that's it, I dont see that as a such a problem.
Worth thinking on.
I'm out, but on my way I'm checking the 100 days thread to see how long it's been. I need to be proud of that and make sure by the time I go back to work it's that plus 5.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 25, 2006 11:12:56 GMT -5
So I went out, got a haircut and then went for food at Nandos. It's a portugese chicken place and I used to spend a lot of time there when Eileen was away travelling the world. I took my comics and tried to relax. It was ok for a bit, but I started to feel at bit out of time.
I was going to take myself to a movie too, but didn't want the loneliness to creep in. I used to go to the cinema with Eileen a lot and the last time I went alone I ended up weeping on the back row. Not a good look. So against my better judgement I came back home.
On the way I stopped into the corner shop to buy a candy bar. As I walked through the door my eyes hit the magazine shelf and the monkey reminded me he was still riding my back. It was a really nasty experience actually. I tried to shut it out, but even found myself thinking about buying a magazine, 'just to read', yeah, right.
So I thought I'd drop in here and remind myself I'm still fighting. I don't give up now and I wont give up.
15 days today. Feels like it should be nothing next to the 80 odd I had before I slipped, but the reality is it feels like something. I'm proud of it and I'm not going out like that.
Someone just rubbed a little of their good mood off on me too which was nice and amzingly effective.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 25, 2006 15:10:03 GMT -5
Can't get this monkey off my back today.
Ugh!
Don't know how I keep coming back here. I think usually I've given up by now. I started a conversation online that could only have lead to bad things, so I made my goodbyes and logged off as soon as I could. I'm craving junk food too, which I guess I somehow see as a replacement. Or maybe it's that one slip equals all slip mentality. I figure if I order pizza I can watch porn and masturbate too or some stupid logic like that.
Ugh, this sucks, really, arrgghhhhh!
I'm going to try taking a run and see if that helps. I hope I don't see you later.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 25, 2006 16:30:56 GMT -5
I think that worked actually...
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