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Post by sandpaper on Feb 7, 2006 9:25:43 GMT -5
I appreciate everyone's support.
It is difficult to describe how I feel right now. On one level, I remain jubilant with the knowledge that I have a son on the way. Fortunately, that appears to be the overriding emotion now.
On another level, of course, I hope for my son's sake he is healthy and disability-free so he has all the opportunities possible in life. This experience has taught me something about myself: I never knew how I'd feel about having a child with a disability. Ever since I learned about the possibility of DS though, there has been no doubt in my mind that I'd love him just the same.
And that I think helps explain the root of my fear right now; for in undertaking further testing, we have to use a procedure that carries a risk, albeit a small one, of causing a miscarriage. I feel very apprehensive about going through with it because, as I have said, I would accept him regardless of whether he is DS, so I see no reason to risk his life to determine whether or not he is DS. My SO and I have discussed this issue at length and it is very important to her to have concrete results. Indeed, it appears that, without a concrete answer, the stress on her of not knowing would be likely to jeopardize the baby's health by itself.
Anyway, that's the big rub right now. I'm trying my best to be supportive of my SO's needs and taking solace in the doctors' assurances of the low level of risk. Do I want to know for sure too? Of course, but I'd rather wait until he's born to find out than risk his life to learn now. But my SO and I are in this together and given the stress she is under, it appears we must go through with it.
God, please forgive me.
Sandpaper
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Post by jh on Feb 7, 2006 12:37:38 GMT -5
I pray that everything will go well.
- jh
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 8, 2006 4:05:54 GMT -5
My goodness. You are surely being tested, Sandpaper. You are holding up really well, I believe. I admire both you and your wife for your resilience and love in these difficult circumstances.
I'll be praying for everything to go well.
Still
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 9, 2006 0:20:03 GMT -5
Thank you JH and SH.
We go in for the test tomorrow and will likely have the results early next week. In the meantime, we'll hope that the pregnancy remains stable.
Though this issue has sort of sidelined my PA/SA problems, they remain pervasive because . . . well, I'm an addict. Indeed, despite the overwhelming emotions involved with the baby lately, I've had sexually-charged dreams this week. In other words, I'm still marching forward down the path of addiction recovery because I have no other choice.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 9, 2006 0:50:43 GMT -5
You're keeping a cool head under difficult circumstances and I think you are doing absolutely the right thing to maintain your recovery efforts no matter what else is happening in your life.
I'll be thinking of you over the next week and hoping for the best.
Sandpaper, you are doing great!
Still
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 10, 2006 9:07:48 GMT -5
Thanks again, SH. I will keep you posted on things.
More sexually-charged dreams last night, unfortunately. Such thoughts have been leaking into my consciousness too, though I've been diligently cutting them off and not letting the addict indulge himself. I am continually amazed by the persistent stronghold this addiction has over my mind and body. I know working against it is the only solution, however.
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 13, 2006 13:53:21 GMT -5
Well, my SO made it through the procedure without a problem, AND we got the test results this morning: the baby does NOT have DS.
Though I would have accepted him regardless, I am happy that he will (with our help of course!) have all the opportunities of a healthy child.
Thanks for everyone's support.
Sandpaper
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 14, 2006 1:53:34 GMT -5
The first smile is for the great news! The second is remembering how you were tested and not found wanting. You will make a wonderful father! Still
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Post by jh on Feb 14, 2006 4:50:42 GMT -5
Great news!
- jh
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 15, 2006 0:19:54 GMT -5
Yes. Smiles all around. Now onto the challenge of meeting your prediction, SH - being a wonderful father. I need some of your confidence in that regard. Nevertheless, I am excited about the prospect. I must admit, however, I am quite concerned about how this addiction will stand (or has already stood) in the way of my ability to be a good parent and the kind of role model my son will need. Dealing with my addiction, repairing the damage done where possible, and preventing further damage to myself, my relationship with my SO, and my son's development is and must remain a top priority. Knowing this, the real challenge is to actually live in accordance with that understanding. One day at a day, I shall do my best. Thanks again for the support.
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 17, 2006 7:55:56 GMT -5
I wish I had a "pause" button for my life. For me, the most difficult thing about recovery is trying to do so under the heap of responsibilities, stress, and pressure of my daily life. Those things breed more stress and anxiety, which encourage further acting out. What I really need is about four to six weeks off from everything.
Unfortunately, that's not an option. I will have to continue to try to incorporate recovery into a very hectic life. I suppose I can't complain because I'm sure we are all in that position, but I am concerned that I won't nip this thing in the bud until I get my long-awaited leave of absence from life.
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 19, 2006 10:39:06 GMT -5
Well, I'm still trying to move forward, focusing on staying clean and, even more importantly I think, my attitude about myself and the world in general. I'm measuring my success in the latter objective in small, isolated events, such as choosing not to become angry at a person who cuts me off while driving in traffic and diverting my attention from an individual sexually-charged thought. Of course, these strides occur among multiple failures to choose the right path; i.e., I'll succeed at controlling my anger toward a person who cuts me off in traffic and diverting my attention from a sexually-charged thought maybe three out of ten times.
I am trying to improve this ratio, one day at a time I suppose.
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Post by choselife on Feb 19, 2006 10:57:00 GMT -5
My work is to use behavioral science principles to shape behaviors of the students that I work with.
What you are doing is shaping your behavior, using successive approximations to your target behavior, which might be to divert your attention 95% of the time. As long as you keep moving in the right direction, you're doing ok. If I was working with a kid, the goal might be for 30% success one week, and if that was obtained, to up the bar to 40%, etc. Also, there will be occasional off days, that if they are very infrequent, it does not mean that the approach isn't working. If those days become more than occasional, there needs to be some evalutation and possibly a change in the approach. When I shape behavior, sometimes it is necessary to use an external reward, although it is always best that the student finds the improved behavior intrinsically rewarding. I'm sure you find it intrinsically rewarding, but there is nothing wrong with rewarding yourself with small external rewards every once in a while.
I hope this helps.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 19, 2006 13:13:57 GMT -5
CL -
Great points. I appreciate the feedback.
As you may be aware from my previous posts, I have a whole list of behaviors and pathologies I am trying to change on a daily basis, applying a similar method: putting forth effort to choosing the right path each time I encounter a situation in which I've historically chosen the negative behavior or pathology.
I like your idea of using concrete percentages and trying to improve them over time. Indeed, I find that's the best I seem to be able to do and trying to be perfect and infallible seems to make things worse.
Thanks for the advice.
SP
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 21, 2006 7:12:10 GMT -5
Sandpaper, Re: such as choosing not to become angry at a person who cuts me off while driving in trafficIt might help if you spent some time investigating and reflecting on how society has changed. We now live in an "entitlement culture" where people feel entitled to things, such as the road. Look up that phrase with Google and do some reading. If you understand what is behind this culture, it can help you to tune it out. Why do people feel entitled these days? Because they were brought up as entitled kids by baby boomer parents who were determined that their kids would have whatever they wanted. There are other contributing cultural trends leading to road rage and other stresses. One I read about recently is the design of cars to look mean. I read a few days ago that some SUVs have what looks like dinosaur teeth behind the bull bars and grill and it looks like a fierce monster snarling at you. This apparently appeals to people who want others to get out of their way. Anyway, there is so much more on unfortunate societal trends out there available via Google. Look up the phrase "kicked the back of my seat" and read about all the badly behaved kids whose parents do nothing to manage the behaviour. It's quite amazing. As they say, "knowledge is power", so if you investigate the origins of the stressors you face and gain some understanding, you will be better placed to handle the stresses. To Choselife: That technique sounds promising and potentially applicable to various aspects of my own life. Thanks for sharing your expertise! Still
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