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Post by Autonomous on Apr 18, 2005 21:12:09 GMT -5
See! you did it! you made it through the toughest part of this whole thing. you made it over to the other side where there is peace. we are both getting that peace finally! good for us! CHEERS!
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 19, 2005 6:00:30 GMT -5
It is so hard not procrastinating, CL. I keep doing and doing and never catching up and I can feel I am gradually becoming unwell (high BP). I need the relaxation/calmness I seem to get from procrastinating. Do you have any solutions? Still
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Post by dj2005 on Apr 19, 2005 8:30:02 GMT -5
hey CL- just checking in to say congrats on the great work and to keep it up. i know the april list thing is a bit of a bummer, but like you said, it's a great opportunity to look at your life and make some huge discoveries. i especially appreciated your looking into the question of why this is so important to you. those questions might never come up if you didn't have this opportunity. i'm not sure if you;ve got to the point in the tony robbins book where he talks about Kaizen, the japanese concept of constant improvement. this is what recovery is- gaining a deeper and deeper understanding of who you really are. your journey of recovery is going to have the occasional adjustment- whether in your understanding of the path you need to take, or in your understanding of who you are. the april list thing is tough, because, while this goal was concrete, our recovery plans are deeply personal and individual.... anyway, you're still a hero to me here- thanks for your wisdom and humble introspection dj
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Post by choselife on Apr 19, 2005 9:08:52 GMT -5
DJ,
I appreciate your words of support. I cannot overemphasize how upset I am about this April thing. A lot of it has to do with the judgementalism (is that a word?) I perceive coming from some people on this board. But I know that I am on some level really overreacting. I need to just observe that part of me, and learn from it, as its the type of scenario that comes up in life off of this board. But the only way I know right now to deal with this is a bit of venting, and exploring my feelings on this board. May not be pretty, but if I censor my thoughts and feelings, that is definitely not helpful. I will censor them to the extent that it is not particularly relevant who said what and my intent is not to criticize any one individual on the board. That being said ... here goes ...
I do not appreciate being talked down to, even though I recognize that was not the conscious intent.
I feel talked down to when somebody chastises me for MBing 2 times followed by three exclamation points, and then proceeds to tell me that I should currently have a goal of totally eliminating MB. Thats your current goal, not mine. Especially after I have stated that total elimination of MB is not currently my goal, although I will address in due time. Your goals are your goals, I am not trying to change yours, and my goals are my goals, ok. I certainly know a lot about what I am doing, since other than 2 brief MBs with no P fantasy involved on any level, for the last 41 days, I have been sparkling clean, not even on the verge of acting out with P in any way. And in that time, I have made very significant contributions to my own recovery efforts and have gotten feedback from multiple people on this board that I have made meaningful contributions to their own sobriety and recovery. I don't say this to pat myself on the back. I say it because whatever helpful insights I share with others on this board are only helpful because I have both experienced these insights, and have grown from them. I am doing just great, not perfect, but great. Seeking feeling great and not perfect works well for me.
I don't appreciate the comment "Little steps for little feet. We all have to move at our own pace." I again know that this was intended as being supportive, but it leaves me with the emotional response of being talked down to and totally misunderstood. I have made giant steps in the last 40 days, and my pace is excellent, way faster than I expected.
Lastly, I am not looking to open up yet another thread about whether MB is ok or not, if so, then when, how, etc. There have been enough comments going both ways, which tells me that it is a gray area. Which is another way of saying that different things work for different people at different periods of time. If I graded myself on a scale of 1-100 on sobriety and recovery over the last 40 days, I would get a 98. That is one awesome grade. I am making a wise choice right now by shooting for a 98 and getting a 98, rather than shooting for 100 (zero MB), and getting a 50 (acting out with P) or maybe lower (binging). When I am ready to shoot for 100, I will do so. Some part of me looks forward to it, but there is no sense nor should there be a sense of urgency.
It is very important to me that I feel respected by people on this board. I feel tremendously respected by so many of you from your gracious feedback over the last couple of months. But whether it should or shouldn't, it does bother me when there are comments about me on the board which don't show an understanding and appreciation for what I have accomplished. My heart is on this board, and with so many of you. I have everything at stake. I have learned a tremendous amount about sobriety and recovery, and one evidence about that is the realization that I have so much more to learn. So please don't comment about me, as if I haven't put in the kind of effort to this board, my recovery, and other peoples recovery, as I have done.
I needed to get this off my chest. I chose, at least for now to do it in my own thread. I am upset, but I am fine at the same time. Being upset is just a feeling, which I will not allow to lead me to using P.
CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 19, 2005 10:14:44 GMT -5
I can imagine that would be upsetting when zero MB was not your objective. You have stuck to what you have set yourself. Why let what others say here bother you so much? If you post something about mb-ing on this board, someone will be bound to critique it. You already know that happens here, so why let the obvious rejoinder upset you? It is good to express your feelings here, but such rejoinders will occur again, the next time you post that you have mb-ed. I haven't read the thread in question but my guess was the poster was trying to help you. Remember, intentions are all that matters - not "doing one's best", "getting it right" etc. Did the other person mean well? It sounds as if they did. Regardless, I certainly understand that one becomes hopeful of more explicitly positive support. All the best, Still
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Post by choselife on Apr 19, 2005 17:57:23 GMT -5
Thanks, Still.
Its an issue that I have that I am making progress with, but still have room to grow, and I will. The issue is not confined to the board. The board in some ways is a microcosm (sp?) of life off the board. This is actually a good thing, as the board gives me a safe environment to learn more about everyday issues and attempt to apply new strategies and ways of thinking.
I am glad that I chose to vent a bit. I needed it. Habitually, I would tend to keep things inside. That is real bad for me.
There are many on the board who are very wise yet more openminded than others. They are hardly pushovers, but they recognize that to some extent different strokes for different folks (no pun intended.). That is my personality, and to be honest, I do tend to find feedback more helpful from those sorts of people. I have a greater respect for their knowledge.
CL
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Post by BeHereNow on Apr 19, 2005 18:53:59 GMT -5
Fantastic CL!
You have been totally sober and successful over the last 40 days. Don't let anyone on their high horse tell you otherwise.
You know my thoughts on MB, and I won't go into them again here. Suffice to say that healthy, guilt-free, exploration of your sexual self would score a full 100 on the sobriety scale, whilst white-knuckling sexual anorexia would come much lower down. As far as i'm concerned, anyone who tells you that masturbating twice in 40 days is compulsive, is really on a planet of their own.
What I think, or anyone else here thinks, about your sobriety plan, doesn't matter though. Find your own way, and trust your own path.
Tony Robbins talks a lot about developing a healthy internal measure of worth. This is an incredible opportunity to become stronger.
Trust yourself. You are worth it.
BHN
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Post by choselife on Apr 19, 2005 19:39:42 GMT -5
Thanks, BHN. Your support is very helpful.
Its funny, but I had forgotten who it was who I think pretty much got creamed for a thread where you had said that you wished that you had chosen to MB, as if you had, you believe you would not have used P. Is my recollection correct on that?
Even though your point is well taken, that was not what it was about for me. But I will say that how I felt after I MBd was that I enjoyed the physical release. It did not have any of the feelings that I have if I MB'd after P. As a matter of fact, it didn't have any of the negative feelings I would have if I chose to glance at P for a second. Well, you know what, I think it is wise for me to avoid the issue on this board.
Thanks.
CL
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Post by choselife on Apr 19, 2005 20:39:08 GMT -5
42 days of sobriety in the bank in just a couple of hours. Cool, and no big sweat.
CL
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Post by choselife on Apr 21, 2005 5:39:07 GMT -5
Not feeling great, very exhausted, a new work challenge to deal with, have been knocked out last few days anyhow with allergies leading to lack of sleep. In the past, this would have been a great setup for using P, for the addict part of my brain to take control of the steering wheel of my actions. Its not going to happen. Interesting enough, on some level, its less likely to happen because I believe I have had enough of committing emotional temporary suicide, which is what P would be for me now. That battle of recovery from another failure is one I REALLY don't want to fight again.
(edit) As I sit on the computer checking every 2 minutes for replies to my thread, I realize that I have gone a bit overboard in my reliance on the board. It is very compulsive, and if used in that way, does interfere with living my life and doing what I should be doing.
So I will get off for now, and will no longer compulsively use this board. I will define more exactly what that means. CL
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Post by dj2005 on Apr 21, 2005 9:01:13 GMT -5
hey cl- i know what you mean about getting compulsive about this board. it replaces an old habit with a better one, but it's still not dealing with the root causes of addiction. so the journey continues- it gets a little bit deeper and becomes more of a challenge when growth is no longer defined by the removal of our glaringly obvious problem areas. the path is much less defined at this point- which is just another way of saying that we are already reaping the rewards of true freedom. where is your journey taking you from here? hope you feel better soon dj
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Post by choselife on Apr 21, 2005 18:10:45 GMT -5
Well, now I feel like I need to deal with a potential major trigger. I may have a major problem with a work situation, or it may turn out to be nothing. If it turned out to be a major problem, or even now, being concerned that it might, it gives me the attitude, I won't use the profane way of saying it, that what the heck does it matter if I act out. Anything to get away from the pain. After all, even with all the days of sobriety and recovery and working so hard, I still have this major issue to deal with, so why even bother trying to stay sober if there are still going to be so many hardships in life anyhow. Just venting .... don't expect that I will act out, I know its all one big rationalization, and things would only be worse if I did act out. But I will tell you, this is as powerful a trigger as triggers get for me. I really feel sad and concerned.
CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 21, 2005 18:24:59 GMT -5
CL, Why not share your business concern - disguised for anonymity - here? Troubles shared seem to melt away. You are probably so caught up in the problem you can't see the forest for the trees. I know that happens to me all the time. Come on, let's hear it. You have friends who care. Don't worry about using the board for now to get support. You can analyse the "overuse" another day. For now, you need our help. What are friends for, right? Your advice has been helping me a lot recently. Hang in there. I am sending good vibes. I believe in you. Still
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Post by Padraig on Apr 21, 2005 18:36:17 GMT -5
CL,
Well, you see the trigger coming, so get ready for it.
You 've come this far, you can still go further. Your post are so full of knowledge. Use that knowledge to see the trigger for what it is. Just an excuse, a rationalization to act out.
Hang in there, you can get through to the other side. You are in my thoughts.
Stay Strong,
Paddy
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Post by choselife on Apr 21, 2005 19:03:30 GMT -5
Thanks, Still and Padraig.
Padraig, on the bright side, right now I have zero desire to act out. On the not so bright side, on some level (I guess thats the addict level, I couldn't care less if I acted out. It just doesn't seem plain important one way or another emotionally, so now its down to my intellect choosing not to do it. I expect I will be ok on that front, unless worse comes to worse.
Still, since you asked ... I am working with a family of a child where I have done some terrific work, and the kid has made some great progress. This progress has been also noted by the clinical supervisor for the agency I work with, and both parents of the child. So you are saying to yourself ... whats the problem. The problem is that the father is a bit nutty, the mother over all less so. I have worked with the child for a year and I am responsible for recording data on the childs performance. My data keeping is not very good, I always had trouble focusing on that. They asked to see the book where the data is recorded. There is a lot of data not there. If they want to, they possibly can really screw me. At its worst, its a legal issue. This would accomplish nothing in reality on their part and would be incredibly vindictive. But I have to tell you, I am not by nature a paranoid person. I know from experiences of other therapists and this family, the father gets his jollies by screwing with people. So now I have to clean up the book as well as possible, without adding any additional technical fraudulent data. I wish I was paranoid but I am not.
Any idea appreciated, although don't know how you can help.
CL
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