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Post by choselife on Apr 2, 2005 7:14:57 GMT -5
24 days sober, and I have to admit to liking my new life. It may sound like an overstatement, but some of the changes are major. The changes aren't in how my day to day activities have changed, I still have a huge procrastination problem, but there are major differences in how my attitude toward good things and bad things that happen has changed, especially the bad things. I am able to have a much more positive, non-judgemental, self-critical attitude when bad things happen. See my post lightwave.proboards15.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1112403083This attitude results in higher self-esteem, somewhat less stress, all which contributes to staying sober. Sobriety feeds on itself, just like unfortunately usage of P and especially binging feeds on itself. That being said, I know that I am capable of (although less likely to) close this thread and search for P. So I do not feel complacent. What I do feel is a growing confidence that I can maintain this streak for a whole bunch longer. Someone had posted about redefining what happiness is. I see myself doing this, as per my thread I referenced above, I felt something at least similar to happiness purely from how I dealt with a difficult situation, even though its not fully worked out and has potential to become more problematic. Overall, my attitude is so much more positive, and I see this journey in sobriety a true adventure. I can only grow to my full potential through remaining sober. It makes sense to say that when one falls, learn from it, but there are certain types of learning that can only occur through increasing periods of sobriety, as I think that when sober, I put myself more out there and encounter experiences that I wouldn't experience when I am self-involved and self-critical because of not being sober. I have seen other posts where people say first sobriety, and then recovery. I don't agree, as I have started my recovery within these 24 days of sobriety. I know its only baby steps, but they are real steps which will enable me to walk confidently eventually. CL
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Post by INSEARCHOF... on Apr 2, 2005 9:50:31 GMT -5
I'm glad things are going well for you ChooseLife...
When we take our lives back from these things that's exactly what we do... We choose Life... We choose if and when we live it as we should it blesses us abundantly...
Have a great day... Peace and Prayers promised for all who struggle and all who are about to answer death's call to new life.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 2, 2005 12:43:43 GMT -5
Hi CL, I am enjoying "seeing" the positive changes in you. I think the breakthrough moment you referred to was that you did not panic and retreat to thinking you had failed, but instead logically analysed the situation without involving your emotions, and realised that the situation was not of your making and was out of your control. The other people had the problem. So, when something untoward happens, you can repeat this strategy. De-personalise the event and think of whether it's now controllable and who has the problem. If it's not you, who cares, right? And if it's you, you will know and can learn from it. Handling this strategy well is an element in a new definition of success for you, perhaps? All the best, Still
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Post by choselife on Apr 2, 2005 16:59:12 GMT -5
You got that right. I have intellectually known or suspected that, but intellect/schmintellect, you have to experience it to start to form a pattern and hopefully eventually internalize it.
And again, I emphasize that this progress in recovery would not have happened if I did not have a significant period of sobriety under my belt. I was looking at this situation from a position of strength, rather than weakness.
ISO, Thanks as always for your kind words and support.
CL
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Post by choselife on Apr 3, 2005 7:15:59 GMT -5
25 days clean, I am happy to say. I do a lot of thinking about sobriety streaks, the importance of building them up, etc. For me, its not so much the number of days, but its my belief that in order for me to learn entirely new things about myself that will aid my recovery, I need to be sober for longer. It intuitively makes sense to me that there are different stages of recovery, which go hand in hand with how long one has been sober. So if I would use P today (honestly, I won't ), then its not that I would lose any knowledge that I acquired over the last 25 days, but it is more like I have delayed the opportunity to acquire the self-knowledge that I might have at day 46, or 47 or 51. I am 25 days further away than I had been. I think that I am getting past the point where I will learn much more from short sobriety streaks. I at least hope so. My feeling is that most of what I will learn is that this addiction is a lot more powerful than I thought (but I think I already know that), or I will learn that I am weaker than I thought (not a very encouraging thing to think). I also feel that I need to somewhat limit my time on this board. This board has been incredibly helpful, but I can get sufficient help from this board limiting my usage to perhaps 30 or so minutes per day, as I need to work on my procrastination issues, and the amount of time on this board is becoming part of the procrastination. I don't at all regret the time that I have spent, even some days when its been hours, I just think that I should start spending less time. Thanks for reading, and comments appreciated as always. CL
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Post by dj2005 on Apr 3, 2005 15:48:01 GMT -5
now I'M stalking YOU awesome job on your 25 days of sobriety CL! It's great to read your thoughts as you go through this growth. I love your outlook on your recovery- it's practical, active, and filled with hope. I'm learning a lot from you- keep up the great work! i know what you mean about spending lots of time in this forum. but i think in this case, the benefits of this kind of procrastination may outweigh the temporary costs. From my perspective in a similar situation, my life is about to dramatically change as a result of choosing sobriety and recovery. My recovery is a seed that's just been planted. The more i nurture it's growth, the more fruit it will bear in the future. One of those fruits, i imagine, will be the eventual tackling of my own procrastination habit. By coming back here, continually, i believe my procrastination problem will be dealt with in a "back-door" kind of way. The best thing i can do for my life, though, is continue to come back here. I have an alcoholic brother-in-law who just went through a 30-day in-patient recovery program. a few hours here each day is a lot less time than that! we DO have very similar outlooks, and it's great to find someone i can relate to so easily. you are having a profound effect on my life. thank you immensely. dj
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Post by Alec on Apr 3, 2005 17:36:30 GMT -5
"25 days clean, I am happy to say."
And I am soooo happy to hear that, ha ha !!! Keep posting !!! Love Your thoughts and proud of You !!!
God Bless,
Alec
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Post by choselife on Apr 3, 2005 20:41:32 GMT -5
Thanks, alec and dj.
Thats quite a statement. I am very glad that I can help, and it really makes me feel good about myself to hear that.
Feeling very stressed this afternoon and evening. I have definitely discovered a pattern, which is to be stressed on Sundays. This is because I find work very stressful at times, so I am stressed in anticipation of the work week.
A good deal of my stress, though not all, is caused by procrastination. So I absolutely need to cut down meaningfully on the procrastination, otherwise it will make it a LOT tougher to stay sober. It is that simple. I have controlled the P, now I need to control the procrastination. I use P to run away from feelings, I procrastinate to run away from feelings, feelings of being ovewhelmed, feelings of being inadequate. Running away is running away, regardless of whether it is running away from P or from my responsibilities.
I don't want to be too hard on myself. However, it is important to my recovery that I feel like I am doing my best, and I procrastinate so much, that I don't feel like I am doing my best.
I look forward to my first appointment with a psychiatrist a couple of weeks from now. I am hoping that he prescribes medication,which will make it easier for me to focus on a given task, without feeling so overwhelmed. I'll keep you all posted. I feel funny saying that I want your prayers, but I do want your best wishes with dealing successfully with a potentially stressful work week.
Thanks for reading.
26 days sober but feeling a little concerned.
CL
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Post by tootrue on Apr 3, 2005 22:52:40 GMT -5
The fact that you are here is a great sign of your strength. All the best to you for continued success, Ellie
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stikint
Full Member
Phi 4:13 I am capable of doing all things through Christ, the One strengthening me.
Posts: 235
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Post by stikint on Apr 4, 2005 14:02:30 GMT -5
25 days. - wao! I'm just behind you... best of luck for your journey. What's your personal best?
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Post by choselife on Apr 5, 2005 20:05:21 GMT -5
Stikint,
I don't recall exactly what my personal best was, somewhere in the 30s. Now I am 28. Its not all about day count, because I know that somehow I am stronger in these 28 days than I was in my longest streak. I have a lot more knowledge, and I am much more committed to staying sober than I ever have been before. In my longest streak, I was flirting with disaster a lot. This streak, I have not flirted at all. That is real significant. Thats why its not totally all about day count, although it does feel good to build up the number.
Thanks for your reply and hope that you continue to do well.
CL
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Post by choselife on Apr 7, 2005 6:41:43 GMT -5
Feeling a little weak the last few days overall. 29 days sober, which is great, but I need to truly decide how committed I am to continuing this process. I say this because I have been engaging in stinking thinking, and I have to decide to stop if I will stay sober. A lot of stinking thinking always leads for me to acting out. I think for me a lot is about control, not control, in the sense of being a control freak, but control in the healthy sense of feeling like I am a captain at the helm of my own ship; that I have a handle on things. When I let things accumulate (thank you very much, Mr. Procrastination inside my head ), I start to feel like I am losing control, and the craving to escape becomes that much stronger. Plus, I violated a top-line behavior, which is MB with purely thinking about my wife. I'm not interested in feedback on this which is to the effect of cheating on my wife, because that is not the issue. For me, its not helpful to MB like this because for whatever reason, it tends to lead to violating bottom line behaviors. Not sure why, but it shows a certain weakening on my part, i.e. I need to escape so much that I will do something which for me in my current phase of recovery, risks keeping my sobriety streak in tact. Responses most appreciated. Bottom line ... by the way ... still 29 days sober, and just working on keeping it going. CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 7, 2005 7:28:06 GMT -5
Hi CL, I suspect you get anxious around the 30 day mark - anxious that you can't go for another month. Instead of thinking about the next month, how about thinking of one day at a time? Also, about control, it seems you have controlled your life very well to date in that at the age of fifty-something, you are here, you have a wife, child, house, health, etc. So you are overall controlled. Things never completely came unravelled in all this time. You are a survivor - like me. Maybe if you have a more embracing definition of "in control" as I have just described, that will help with the feelings you've described. Also, re mb: Was your wife available that day or night? Why did you choose mb instead of developing the relationship? I am not castigating you but rather trying to find out why things got to that point. What is going on between you two these days? Do you two talk about intimate things - eg share your hopes and dreams, aches and pains, etc? Still
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Post by choselife on Apr 7, 2005 7:33:44 GMT -5
Still, I will respond in more detail when I have the time, probably later today, especially in response to MB, very critical topic.
I do get anxious around the 30 day mark, have gotten around here at least a couple of times, and I look ahead to 60 days, and think that would be like entering a new level of the atmosphere. So you are right, stay focused on one day at a time.
I am honored to be in such great company. That comment really touched me and brought a smile to my face.
Thanks CL
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Post by Benny on Apr 7, 2005 7:41:51 GMT -5
CL,
I know what you mean about that 'craving to escape'. It's as if craving is not strong enough to describe it. I think that in the same situation I have used p*rn out of habit more than anything else. So I have consciously tried to break this bad habit and replace it with new ones. Meditation and reading are both things that I am using to not necessarily put me in a state of control but rather in a state of serenity where I realise I don't have to be in control of those things outside me. Good luck in these next few days.
Peace Benny
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