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Post by witness on Aug 24, 2007 7:46:27 GMT -5
I'll begin here by quoting a guy from another board: "I would rather you hate me for what I am, then love me for what I am not."
I took what I believe is a big step. Thank you, ladies, for your encouragement. Once I got this in my mind I could not think about anything else until it was done.
I finally opened up with my wife and shared my dark secret after 30 years of marriage.
She is still somewhat in a daze. She said she needs time to process it. But she has accepted me and is ready to help me. She said some changes need to be made but really did not go in to anything yet. The only thing she really said, which is very true, is that I don't really open up and share my feelings. I told her that other than her I have probably never really had a true friend, as it is difficult for me to really open up and share my soul.
So now we are in this together. I feel better. But she feels much worse. So I know she will need time and help to deal with what I just dumped on her.
She mentioned that it is hard for a 50 year old woman to compete with what is available online. I am so sorry to make her feel that way. What a sick society we live in (and I by my actions have been a part of it) where people are valued according to what their bodies look like. Nobody could ever be as beautiful to me as she is. But by looking at those pictures I have made her think that she is not good enough. I deserve a public flogging for that!
She said she needs some time to process all of this. She had an appointment this morning so is out of the house.
So I took another step forward. I'm sorry for the pain this has caused her. I pray that she will find healing for the hurts I have caused.
And may I never go back to that dark hole and hurt her again in this way!
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 24, 2007 7:54:06 GMT -5
I'm glad she wants to work on the marriage. I'm glad she realizes your lack of communication may be related to why you got into PA. Hopefully that can increase. As a woman, I know how lonely I feel that all we discuss are roommate type things and never the deep things of our individual or joint lives.
Is she aware this isn't about your viewing other women as sexual competition - but that viewing porn was a way you got a brain-chemical fix to numb emotions and avoid reality? When I learned that - it really set me free from feeling like the rejected, overweight, grey-haired, 50+, grandmother of six that I am. It also helped me not view my husband as a pervert, but more like an alcoholic or heroin addict. THAT, I can deal with because it's not personal or because of a defect in me.
Self-flogging works pretty well - but remember if you're focused on flogging yourself, then you aren't focused on God or recovery (my opinion). It's nice you recognize and own YOUR mistake - but don't stay parked there or pity-parties happen and that's a quick slip back into the addiction.
Even if she doesn't want to post, she might want to read and see how other women have handled their healing from the pain.
Glad disclosure is now past history and you can move into a new chapter of healing for both of you.
LookingUp
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 24, 2007 8:13:40 GMT -5
It's good that you found the strength and courage to share a big part of who you are with your wife (not that your addiction makes you as a person - but that obviously it's a big part of who you are - according to your post amount even).
Witness, your wife didn't deserve this from you. You don't deserve this from you. It is a horrible place to be put feeling like you aren't good enough as a partner to come to - with anything. Your actions equal that there was no partnership.
I hope and pray that you both can work through this and that you have the strength and true feelings to show her from this point on how much she means to you. That you now truly become partners in your marriage.
You can do this witness, one day at a time, in honesty - with yourself and others.
Amie
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Post by witness on Aug 24, 2007 8:21:15 GMT -5
Thank you, Amie and LU, for the encouraging words.
I don't think I'm beating myself up over this but having told her helps me see so clearly how much this hurts the person I most love on this planet. So there are many regrets there.
But like I tell everyone else, we can't change the past nor should we live in the past, just learn from it and move on.
Interesting observation that this is such a big part of my life. How many hours did I spend doing it over the years? Or better put: How many hours of my life did I WASTE with this over the years? And now I'm putting in tons of hours trying to get away from it.
I do NOT want this to be who I am. But it is certainly part of who I am or at least who I was.
I suppose that is why most of the guys who finally win this battle and find freedom disappear from this board. They have already spent too much time dealing with this mess.
And, yes, when she is ready, I'll see if she wants to come here and read even if she doesn't feel like writing.
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 24, 2007 8:57:10 GMT -5
Just be careful Witness, that you have all your cards on the table at all times... the quote above gives me the feeling that you are assuming she's not ready perhaps (don't know, maybe you weren't - perhaps she knows about this place now and she has declined it for now).
All your cards on the table at all times means that you talk about honest and accurate fact AND feeling... this situation for example would perhaps sound like...
"I want to let you know that I've been getting help from a support board dealing with pornography/masterbation addiciton. I have written a lot there about many things. Some of the things I am very ashamed about. Some of the things I am proud of. I feel some of these things may be hurtful to you. I feel hesitant to have you read all that I have written. I want to be an open book though, realizing what the lies have done, knowing I want you to be a true partner with me. You can choose if/when you want to read what I have written there even though it is scary to me, I know that is part of being see-through to rebuild trust. We can talk about anything you need/want to talk about and I will answer all of your questions honestly and openly. I want to tell you this place exists to help partners of addicts as well. I want this resource to be available to you if you need/want it. You can just read or you can write, if/when you need it, if/when you're ready."
That would be having all your cards on the table in this instance. Of course, if you've told her some of this already, or if your feelings are different, etc... you would need to change it.
If I could though, I would like to offer one more piece of advice. To the very best of your ability... you need to be certain that the feelings you are sharing are your true feelings (doing your very very best to filter out ALL addict crud thinking)... that means taking the time to think things through if at all needed and being honest about needing the time to be certain of your feelings if you do need time.
The truth isn't what will make everyone happy all of the time... the truth is hurtful sometimes. The truth always hurts less than a lie in the end... and the truth allows for possible solution to make it better/okay/less hurtful... lies always lead to the same place - NO TRUST. Without trust you have nothing.
Best wishes, Amie
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Post by witness on Aug 24, 2007 9:06:06 GMT -5
I understand that trust needs to be restored and that honesty is the only way to achieve that.
I told her about this board and another one or two. I told her she can read anything that I have written. I have nothing left to hide.
I think this is all still real new for her and has not yet sunk in. So she will need to think it over to know what steps she wants to take next. Like I said she told me some changes need to be made but then didn't really say what she would like/expect. I'm sure that over time she will express those.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 24, 2007 9:23:03 GMT -5
I'm so very proud of you, witness. This is a big step in your recovery.
Besides these boards, she might also need reading material. LU has a huge list of books that might be good for your wife. I know that for me, reading and learning about this addiction went a long way in deflecting large loads of hurt and confusion for me. Learning that it wasn't about any inadequacies on my part was healing to me.
I will warn you, though--anger from her may be a delayed reaction. It was for me. (My husband disclosed to me Memorial Day weekend 2004.) I was supportive. I thought I was being understanding; but you can't truly be that way unless you understand the entire scope of what you're dealing with. Man, I sure didn't. The anger didn't impact me until a few months later. I think it surprised me and him.
Just be prepared for any emotions that haven't surfaced for her yet; so they don't become a catalyst for another relapse.
Benderson
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Post by glofishy on Aug 24, 2007 10:26:00 GMT -5
Witness, I am very proud of you too. It should not have taken this long and for that I admonish you, but I'm glad you at least disclosed before your wife verified what she suspected was going wrong all this time.
You know what you could do though? When someone on the addict's side asks the question whether they should disclose this addiction to their wife, could you be one of the first ones that speaks up and tells them they absolutely should disclose and not wait? See, we wives can handle the truth. We may be hurt and feel all the things we're going to feel, but it does NOT hurt like if we found out on our own that we've been lied to. Your wife will learn that you knowing deceived her for so long before disclosing and she will experience additional hurt and betrayal about that. You must acknowledge to her that you were wrong in keeping this a secret for even one second.
One thing that we SO's know, and now you know, is that keeping this addiction a secret serves only one purpose...to protect the addiction and protect future "slips".
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Post by Disillusioned on Aug 24, 2007 10:51:55 GMT -5
Good job, witness.
My thoughts and prayers with you and your wife for the next few days.
-T
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Post by witness on Aug 24, 2007 12:09:27 GMT -5
It took me so long to decide to confess. Now she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I suppose it is just too much for her and that she needs some time.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 24, 2007 12:16:37 GMT -5
It may take a while for her to put her thoughts into words. She may want to sort through her emotions to decide how to speak when she's ready.
You might need to ask her what she needs from you to begin her healing process. More space? More affection? ?? other?
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Post by isopeace on Aug 24, 2007 12:17:57 GMT -5
witness.. good for you for finally coming clean and exposing all secrets & lies. Please, if you do nothing else, never let a lie escape your lips to your wife ever again, no matter how white or insignificant it may seem. Give her some time. She needs to grieve. Everything she thought your marraige was in now in question in her mind, her heart. She needs to grieve the death of what she thought she had before she can accept it & heal. She's going to go through a million variations of a thousand feelings, and if nothing else, you owe her the patience to work through them. She might not want to talk about it simply because she doesn't know what to say...all those emotions are clouding her mind right now, forming incomplete thoughts that she may not be able to voice. Just let her know you are open to talk whenever she is ready. Your disclosure came on your timing terms, let the rest be on HER timing terms...(the healing process, her working through issues, figuring out what she meant when she said things needed to change, her healing, etc) Please do not push her to talk. In my experience, being pushed to discuss something so painful & raw made me feel as if my h was just being selfish & pushing me to talk just to make him feel better. I'm not saying that is your intent, just that she might percieve it that way. Good luck to you...I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts.
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 24, 2007 12:21:05 GMT -5
Patience may be your best friend for the next while witness. Patience and understanding.
It's possible (maybe even probable) that your wife already knew and chose not to confront this, chose self preservation in the form of denial. That's okay because it wasn't her job to come to you anyway... it's your addiction and your disclosure. You've done what is right, being honest. Even if she truly had no idea, I wouldn't be suprised if she chooses to escape from this for a while in silence, however, eventually - if she feels there is anything left in your marriage to salvage, she will have much to talk to you about. That's my thought anyway.
Patience and understanding... and a clear message that you are open for conversation and there for her whenever she needs/wants to discuss this... at her own pace - no pressure.
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Post by witness on Aug 24, 2007 15:05:52 GMT -5
glofishy, no doubt that you are correct, I should have talked with her about this 30 years ago and sought out other help as well. "If only . . . . . . "
I can be patient now. I'm in no hurry. Hopefully we will have a long time to work on this and other problems.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 24, 2007 15:20:20 GMT -5
I would assume that 30 years ago the idea that this was a problem seemed preposterous. Back then, male entitlement was MUCH more out there. It's probably just as prevalent today; but political correctness tends to plant its big foot squarely in the male entitlement arse.
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