New Christian Member -- Questions

[tac]

This is hard for me. I have never talked to anyone about this problem. My name is Tom. I have a sexual addiction, P and MB, but mainly MB. I am married for 24 yrs, happily, but obviously not a healthy sex life. I am a Christian, and Sunday school teacher in my church. My addiction is not as severe as some I have read about but still I am heavily burdened and want to be totally free. I do not purchase any porn, but use free sites, and TV to stimulate when alone at my home. Never at work. I Have no confusion about it being wrong or about the seriousness of it, or about my need for freedom. Sometimes I MB more that once a day. Will tell more about the details later, but I do have some questions for those of you who are further along with victory.

First, how important do you think it is to tell a person face to face? Someone who you know well, and cannot just not talk to again.

2. How about telling your spouse? Is it important? And, how soon after decision to stop? I have not been caught, just ready to deal with this. I have had periods of success... days, weeks, and sometimes months, but always fall back at sometime. I feel that the Lord has told me that open confession is holding me back (pride) from actually being set free. Just want to get some opinions from others that have been where I am now.

3. Is it real to say... "never again?" I used to smoke, and tried to quit many times. But one day (25 yrs ago) I made a commitment to myself and God, that i was done with it. I made a commitment that as long as I live, I would never smoke even one cigarette, and I have not. I have never made that commitment before with MB, because I felt I could not keep it, but want to now. But I read all of the post, about one day at a time, or 40 day... 100 day or whatever. Is it unrealistic to expect there to ever be complete healing, and say, I will never do it again?

4. This seems like a repeat of the first two, but it is a little different. How important is confession? Real confession. Not being ashamed to tell anyone when it is appropriate about your past and present struggle. In my mind, I feel this would be total freedom... when I can tell anyone, without fear.

5. What is step two? I have taken the first, I searched out forum to talk to someone. What is the very next step, and most important advice?


I have read many postings, and they have been very helpful. Any answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated.

Tom

[facingit]

Tom,
I don't have a very long period of sobriety behind me, but, like you, I consider myself a Christian. I think you probablt know that you are the only one who can answer those questions you asked. You will get others' insights and opinions here, but no one can provide you with a definitive answer to those questions but yourself. My advice is this: worry about getting some sobriety under your belt - a week, two weeks, forty days, etc. and then see what you think about those big questions. Don't try to answer them before you begin getting sober or you probably never will! Ultimately, the most important thing is getting and staying sober and something is only "important" in so far as it helps you do that. "...You will know them by the fruit that they bear."

[tac]

Thanks Facingit. Makes sense. But I just wanted to know a little of what to expect, and if telling people helped. My concern, is that I only feel like confessing shortly after repentance. After several weeks or months, I start thinking... I can just stop, and never tell anyone. But then I fall back, a terrible cycle, and I was wondering about how far to go with accountability? Just a internet board? or real people who share my life?

You are right, only I can answer these questions, but taling about this to others is new to me, and I don't know what to expect.

Thanks for answering so quickly.

[facingit]

tac said:

But then I fall back, a terrible cycle, and I was wondering about how far to go with accountability? Just a internet board? or real people who share my life?

As far as you need to go to achieve and maintaine sobriety. If that is telling your dog, fine. If that is telling your priest, SO, neighbors, cousins, aquaintences and dog, fine. All is fair in quitting P. Obviously, I jest... I don't mean to make light of your questions, I'm just in a good mood. You should check out the accountability circles on this forum. They have been a wonderful gift to me. See where that takes you and take it from there.

[domorewithmylife]

Hi Tom,

I'm early in my recovery as well, but i struggle with the same questions. I considered telling my wife, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. On one hand I'm sure it would be a freeing experience to get the secret out in the open. Truthfully, our love life isn't what it should be and I honestly think my addiction is the main reason. I don't make myself as available as I should to her - if she knew the real reason I don't know how she'd react. I don't know what I'll ultimately do, but I'm committed to being a better husband. Maybe actions will be more important than the words in the confession.

I also struggle with the "never again" question. I'm curious to see how others will answer it. I think then answer needs to be yes on the P for sure. It almost seems unfair because so many people do it, but they are not addicts like me. Many people drink socially with no problems, but alcoholics can't handle social drinking. That's how I need to think about P. I can't control it, so I need to avoid it.

Good luck friend.

[Clean2day]

I am a Christian, and Sunday school teacher in my church.

I too am a Christian and was teaching SS while I was into the P and MB. You can be free! Another site I would recommend is Settingcaptivesfree.com A Christian site that is strictly Bible based. Helped me and several others here. Also Q#2 about wife, there is a course that will help her to help herself, and you called United Front.

First, how important do you think it is to tell a person face to face? Someone who you know well

I believe it is important. I spoke to a pastor, who with his wife spent a couple months with my wife and I. But an accountability partner is a great help.

3. Is it real to say... "never again?"

I believe it is; but, and that is a large BUT it is a lot easier to have help. This is a devils toy and he will try to drag you back into it. I see it as my "golden Calf" an idle that I learned to worship.

How important is confession? Real confession. Not being ashamed to tell anyone when it is appropriate about your past and present struggle. In my mind, I feel this would be total freedom... when I can tell anyone, without fear.

Confession is Biblical and I believe this is important. However I would be careful of when, who and where I made that confession.

I have made that confession to the church, but if and when you do speak of it it does show a light on you that everybody will be watching you. I would suggest to start with maybe just your pastor and your wife. They should at least give a helping hand to start your trip to freedom.

5. What is step two? I have taken the first, I searched out forum to talk to someone. What is the very next step, and most important advice?

Not sure just what you mean with this. Maybe you are speaking of the "12 steps". You can find them on most any site like SA or SLAA . Step 2 says Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Here are the addresses for SA and SLAA:
www.saa-recovery.org/SAA_Pamphlet_for_Web.pdf

www.saahelp.com/index.html

I am not a great 12 stepper for the reason. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery; I do not believe "in the disease" of addiction. I believe that is a cop-out. I believe it is SIN pure and simple. I have no control of a disease, this I choose if I want to do it or not. It is up to me and God. My thoughts only.


A little about my struggle: I spoke to one pastor hoping he could help. He gave me the advice, "Just don't do it anymore." That sounded good but I found that I could not do it, alone. I needed help to get myself started on "a right road". The one that would lead me closer to Jesus. He, and only He is my "higher power" I tried to "come clean" so I could come to the cross. I tried everything I could think of but always fell to the whelms of Satan. It is true that I was a slave to my sin.

After you have been free for awhile then you can make that "public confession" and help others that "are like you were".

"One day at a time" is a 12 step slogan that isn't bad. you mentioned counting days. That is something I can't do, for me it leads to "Pride". Pride leads me to fall, always. Some count, and I think that is OK, but somethings are not for everyone. You take what works for you, you leave the rest.

C2d

[kall]

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm a christian. And i'm known for my love for God, my participation in church, in music and all that.

Even though i always felt guilty, and bad about going up on stage to do music, and taking communion. But the one time i chose not too, i had so many people ask me why, it wasnt funny. So i was at the stage where i'd pretty much become desensitized to it. Coming of the porn has been amazing in that my connection to God has grown clearer and better.

I've told a few people, and i was surprised how accepting they were of it. I figured that they, especially the girls, (No offence to them), would see me as a sick pervert, but they understood, and now i have more people praying for me.

[tac]

Thanks C2d and kall, your comments are very helpful.
I guess what I am wondering, is what it’s like to be known, before I take such a big step. I woke up thinking about what would happen if for example, I visited a porn shop, and they raided the place with local tv cameras and my picture was on the local news. Now I do not visit them so that could’t happen, but I’m just giving an example. Although it would be terrible, I can see where it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. I can imagine a freedom that might never have otherwise. Another thing, is I guess I feel as guilty for lie, and the secret sin, as I do for the sin itself, and feel like public confession would end the battle once and for all. I consider myself a person of integrity (but in this area… I am not) and I don’t think I would ever do it again if I had everyone to be accountable to. I feel sort of like… just turning myself in. Just getting the lie and cover up out in the open so I can be free of the guilt. I feel I owe my wife, my family, my ss class, my church, my coworkers, and everyone else an apology. Not for the P, because it’s not a wrong against all of them. But for the lie… for living and saying one thing in public, and doing another in private. That bothers me more than the P itself. If I sound like I’m preaching, its to myself, and if I sound brave, please know that my knees are shaking. The thoughts of doing this scare me to death. But the thoughts of continuing as I have for over thirty years, and someday getting very old, having lived all of my life and never experiencing full freedom scare me as well.
I guess, I am sharing all of this with you guys because I am asking before I do this. Has anyone ever done it? Or has anyone ever been caught and experienced something like the example I gave. I guess I was thinking someone might say…. “Yes, getting it completely out in the open was the best thing that ever happened to me. “ or “No, it hurt’s too many people and I wish I could have dealt with it privately, maybe just me and my pastor.” I am considering just getting it over with, and telling my wife and pastor and family, and then getting involved in some anti P organization group so I would be very pubic about my battle. I would like not just to stop, but become an advocate against the stuff. Even though I am guilty, I consider it a great evil, and am ashamed that I have allowed it in my life. I feel the secrecy is what has prevented me from stopping all of the times I have tried before.
Maybe I am not making any sense, sorry for rambling. I just want to have a discussion with other people who struggle with the same addiction that I do, prior to making such a big decision. thanks,
tac

[tac]

Oh, I forgot to comment on the question about what I meant by step two. Wasn't refernig to any 12 step program, or any program. Just asking... what to do next? Read a book? Tell someone? Call a professional? Is there anything I should do while i am in this "time to deal with it" mode? Before it passes? 0ther than the confession I am considering. tac

[witness]

Tom,
Taking action is important. There are many good books and good sites.
You can do the course at Setting Captives Free. It is free.

Regarding disclosing to you wife why not read my thread on this site in the Partner's Forum? Lot's of helpful information there that I received from the ladies.

My situation is similar to yours except that it took me almost 30 years to come here. Act now! Don't let this go on for another month or another year.

God bless!
W.

[facingit]

Tac,
As far as disclosing to your wife - you say like you feel like you owe it to her. But I bet that if she knew the situation, what she'd want most is for you to stop - that is the most important thing, not who you tell about it. If you think about it, who is telling your wife really "for"? As Wes mentions in his e-book, one way that PA differs from an addiction like alcoholism is the whole privacy and intimacy issue involved. Some people feel that you should not disclose to people if your disclosure is going to cause THEM unnecessary pain and suffering in order to relieve YOU of guilt. This is a difficult question, but in the long run, I think that if you really want to do something for your W, what you should do is get sober. Another reason I am suspicious about the big dramatic disclosure theory is that is seems to have an air of a "magical cure" or a one time permenant fix about it (not saying that's the way you feel about it, but that is the way I feel about it). The reality is that this addiction is fought day to day in the trenches, not through grand gestures.

[wamu]

Step 2:
For me step 2 was just reading through this forum. I read some of the stories and they all sound just like mine and I read some of the success stories (especially 1 guy who had gone some 70 days) and that really inspired and motivated me. What one man can do another can do right? Then one of the people on this forum wrote something about how all of this was a choice that we are making and we can choose not to do it. That is very simplified but reading that for me was the conclusion of step 2. Step 3 was just saying, I will not mb/p tonight b/c i choose not to.

ok now i'm going to the gym

bye

[dazednconfused]

Welcome to the board Tom. I am a wife.. one of the few whose husband told me without ever being "caught" before. I thought I might respond

but mainly MB. I am married for 24 yrs, happily, but obviously not a healthy sex life. I am a Christian, and Sunday school teacher in my church.
People with addiction aren't bad people, just have made bad choices that became addictive processes. We hace ministers, teachers, doctors, social workers, mail workers, etc... all good people... all struggling with addiction.

My addiction is not as severe as some I have read about but still I am heavily burdened and want to be totally free. I do not purchase any porn, but use free sites, and TV to stimulate when alone at my home. Never at work. I Have no confusion about it being wrong or about the seriousness of it, or about my need for freedom. Sometimes I MB more that once a day.
My husband could have written those words 20ish months ago. He even used modeling sites versus "naked" sites... p is p.
.

First, how important do you think it is to tell a person face to face? Someone who you know well, and cannot just not talk to again.

Huge. This addiction thrives in secrecy. Breaking the secre4t helps break the addiction. Keeping the secret helps feed the addiction.


2. How about telling your spouse? Is it important? And, how soon after decision to stop?
Again, huge. My husband often tells that he was not able to have stopped completely until he told me. This is not a pretty process, but it helps that you:
1) recognize you have an addiction
2) are willing to do whatever it takes to rid yourself and your marriage of it
3) place the blame where it belongs, with you.
4) are as open and honest as the day is long.
I understand that those are difficult steps, but your wife deserves honesty and the commitment to build your marriage again. Check witness' thread on it in the partner's section. Also, my journal has my and my husband's story and the "recovering marriage" thread has the couples who are trying to rebuild their marriages

When, it took my husband 3 months after his rock bottom to tell me. He bookmarked this site and waited for me to ask. He just didn't know how to tell me.

Is it unrealistic to expect there to ever be complete healing, and say, I will never do it again?
no, that is not unrealistic. it is, the goal and an attainable one


4. This seems like a repeat of the first two, but it is a little different. How important is confession? Real confession.
baby steps. recovery brings you to a place without fear, but it takes time and recovery work, not just being sober. I am catholic, so confession is a big part of my recovery, and my husband's.

5. What is step two? I have taken the first, I searched out forum to talk to someone. What is the very next step, and most important advice?
1) get a copy of out of the shadows by patrick carnes, or don't call it love by the same author and read it
2) look into recovery resources on www.settingcaptivesfree.com and www.recoverynation.com
3) get an accountability partner (IMO< not your wife, although you are accountable to her too in a different way)
4) look into counseling and any other resource out their to help you. This is a battle, not a street fight. It will take time, but you can be victorious.


Peace and good luck Tom, we are here to help.

[tac]

Thanks to all for the responses to my questions so far. I was especially touched with dazednconfused's response. Don't know why, but i had tears in my eyes as I read your answers. After reading your response, from a wife, it seemed to mean something to you that he told you without being caught. I know I must tell mine. She deserves the honesty. I love her very much, and although I don't know how to do it, I know I must. Thanks also for the kind words about the truth that men who are addicted to Porn aren't bad people. I know i speak for others when i say, that we feel like bad people. I did not expect it, but it really helps hearing that from a woman because porn is a bigger sin agains women than men. I feel like i have wronged all women, but allowing myself to participate is something that hurts women in general, and i am sorry for it. It helpe me to hear the compassion coming from an injured wife. I do not want to hurt my wife, but the truth is I will hurt her more by not telling her becaue we will never have the healing otherwise.

Again thanks to all. I am learning. I am seeking truth. I am making progress, and I will continue to gain knowledge about this addiction from those who are ahead of me in recovery.

[nrobinson]

tac,
I'm new to recovery and, I can honestly say, if my wife hadn't found out about my problem herself, I never would have really tried to quit. I had tried to stop a few times while I was still hiding my problem, but I never "really" wanted to quit.

Since she found out, I joined this forum, got some books from the library about addiction and relationship support, and made an appointment with a therapist. I also had my first SA meeting tonight. It was scary, but offered relief at the same time.

There are great tools available out there if you really, truly want to stop. Talk to people in your same situation, read the Bible, and never stop praying.

BTW, the SA white book says to get some sobriety under your belt before you let your significant other in on your secret. If you really want to quit, seek out lots of different support tools and you will succeed.