what does this mean....?

[nina]

is it possible that some porn addicts can be in such a deep state of denial that their reasoning and logic can become severely skewed? after everything he has done and everything that has happened so far, he actually had the nerve to ask me on a 'date'! after our child's christmas play he asked me out in the parking lot if I would like to 'go out with him' this Saturday for dinner, drinks and a movie...!

after standing there with my mouth open for what seemed to be several minutes, I asked him why he was asking me to go out when he is now free and can date any younger woman he wants to. his reply? "look, we've known each other for almost 12 yrs now...there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to go out as normal people and have a good time together." even now....with everything that has transpired, I don't think he realizes the gravity of what he has done to me and to this marriage. I'd like some opinions from this forum as to what his possible motives for doing this could be...

does he not realize all that he has done? could he possibly think that he hasn't done anything wrong so therefore, none of this is a big deal? does he think all of this is just a game? does he honestly believe in his messed-up mind that I would go out on a 'date' with him or do ANYTHING anymore with him? since his reply was (more than likely) a lie, I guess I wanted to get some feedback from some of you on what his asking me out could mean. I'm thinking that it means he's in worse mental condition than I previously realized. if any of you could've seen the casualness with which he asked me his question, I think some of you would've possibly been put-off by his attitude!

anyway, any viewpoints on his behavior and his possible motives for him asking me out would really help me try to figure this out. thanks. (btw, I told him 'no', I absolutely will NOT go out with him. then he said that he's 'not gonna give up'. I just can't believe his nerve!)

[Curious Voyager]

Affirmative and without equivocation.

[LookingUp]

Denial is a very important piece of how people become addicts - if not, they couldn't have ended up falling so far from their moral beliefs. All the women he views in porn want him - so why wouldn't you? Sounds like skewed addict thinking to me. Yes, that type of logic does come across to the partner as weird.

If you've ever read a list of the hundreds of slogans used in 12-step groups, it helps make sense out of the skewed thinking that goes along with addictions and co-dependency.

Here's some that quickly pop into my mind:

DeNile isn't just a river in Egypt.
Addicts make mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains.
When we couldn't dominate, control, or manipulate, we would ask for terms and conditions.
Active addicts don't have relationships; they take hostages.


LookingUp

[megan11]

Ok, could he have finally realized he has a problem and is working on it? Maybe he misses what he had? I dont want to stick up for him in anyway. I would just like a little bit more info. Do you think hes changed? Can you ask him what he has done for himself to make himself better?
I dont know...

[Healing Rain]

Maybe he is trying to pick up the pieces, rebuild his life step by step?

Sometimes, its not all bad, ya know. Being an addict doesn't mean that behind every single thing they do, there is some sort of evil motive.

Maybe, he just wanted to take you out on a date... see if possibly there was a chance at starting over.

Just maybe, he was being nice.

There comes a time when you have to drop the "he's out to get me at all cost" thinking and move into "I am moving forward with my life" thinking.

~Rain~

[SouthernGuy]

I tend to agree with megan11 and Healing Rain.

Maybe he was trying to create a reasonable relationship with his child's mother? No matter what happens, you and he will need to have some kind of relationship until your child is an adult at least.

SG

[nina]

thanks to everyone that took the time to reply. lookingup, I agree with you there. I honestly think he doesn't think this (his porn use and me telling him to move out) is that big of a deal! to the others who have asked me if maybe this was his way of trying to 'start over again' with me or trying to be 'nice', I say, why didn't he take me out on a 'date' 10 yrs ago? 5 yrs ago? 1 yr ago? why didn't he stop using porn earlier when I had warned him of what would happen if he didn't stop using it? where was all of this 'concern' and 'attentiveness' then?

now, all of a sudden, out of nowhere...he wants to take me out on a 'date'? sorry, but from what I know of him, I'm not buyin' it. I guess it's going to take him a while to realize that I'm serious about it being over between us. my hopes for the future is that we can remain civil in front of the children and during phone calls. I don't wish him any ill will whatsoever. and I truly hope he finds the kind of woman he's looking for so he can be happy because if he's happy in his life then he'll be a better father to the children.

it would've been different if he had prefaced his question with remorse for what he had done and how he would understand if I didn't want to go out with him, etc. but he didn't present it that way. not even close. he had an arrogant confidence about him and acted as though there'll be a 'next time' that he'll ask me out. what is it about 'I NEVER want to be with you again' is he not understanding? I think he really must be in denial about all this. anyway, thanks to everyone who replied. it helps for me to be able to juggle other people's opinions along with my own to try and come up with a rationalization for his sudden change in behavior.

[nina]

southernguy said:

I tend to agree with megan11 and Healing Rain.

Maybe he was trying to create a reasonable relationship with his child's mother? No matter what happens, you and he will need to have some kind of relationship until your child is an adult at least.

SG

yes, southernguy, I do realize this, but the only relationship I intend to have with him is a civil and friendly one. I don't want to go out on any 'date' with him now or in the future. he had eleven years to do this and chose to wait until after the love is gone to become chivalrous and attentive? sorry, but it's too late. and the sooner he realizes this, the better it will be for him and for everyone. thanks for your input.

[MrOuch]

My 2¢.

Not having observed the conversation I cannot give an accurate judgment of the intention. I see your situation through the filter of your viewpoint. Now that I've prefaced my remarks, there are two ways I see of looking at the comment he made.

1 Hi, I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date with me this Saturday.

Interpretation = I have done a lot of soul-searching and I would like to have the opportunity to discuss what I've been doing to fix the sad state that my life had become. We could talk over dinner, somewhere neutral and safe. Or we could go see a movie or something. I miss you and I'm contrite.

2 Hi, I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date with me this Saturday.

Interpretation = Hey baby. Let's go out on a date. You know, like we used to and stuff. Some food, some drinks a movie and badabing! So wadda ya say?

So who asked you out? Tom Hanks or Rocky Balboa? My guess is that the answer lies somewhere in the middle. The hard part is figuring out which end of the spectrum he's leaning toward.

Good luck.

MrOuch

[cammy]

I am confused about the thread altogether. Please give me some insight here NIna. You two have split at your insistence right? This has happened some months ago too based on your posting history. So, with respect, what do you care what his intentions are?

[nina]

mr. ouch, your post made me laugh out loud! (rocky balboa impression lol) and you're right....the interpretation of this probably lies somewhere in the middle. but I don't know...the way he asked me to 'go out' didn't have the undertones of interpretation 1. it just didn't seem like he wanted to have dinner to discuss the marriage or anything at all - it just seemed like he just wanted to go out and try to get me to forgive him so he can move back home. I mean, I could be wrong, I don't know. thanks for giving me your post to chew on.

cammy, yes you're right. at my 'insistence', I had him move out of our home and will file for a divorce as soon as I receive my tax refund. and it's not that I 'care' about what his intentions are as much as I feel bothered by his sudden interest and attention towards me. it feels awkward, unnatural, uncomfortable and I don't want it! I'm trying to figure out what his intentions could've been for doing that so that if there is a 'next time' that he bothers me with this, I will call him out on his true motives while once again calmly explaining to him that I don't ever ever want anything to do with him ever ever again (other than us both being there for the children). hope this clears things up for ya, cam.

[Healing Rain]

You can't find out his true motives by asking other addicts, you can't find out his true motives by over analyzing his behavior either.... You can only find out his true motives by asking him, and him being truthful about them. If you always assume the worst, the worst will always be the outcome, regardless of anyones true intentions.

~Rain~

[kyle]

I don't know if it is a deep state of denial or not. Maybe as some others here have suggested it is a true attempt by him to finally reconcile. Or as still another suggested, maybe he is trying to make the best of a situation he knows is over, but because of the child involved, he is attempting to make things amiable. I really do not know enough to give a answer but from your past posts I don't think it really matters.

As far as you are concerned it is over but I do hope that if he is trying to make some form of peace that you can accept it for that so that it does not tear you child up in the process. I went though that myself and 2 parents blasting at each other hurt absolutely nobody but the children in the middle of the bickering. I wish you the best in this and hope things work out for all involved.

[Brad7]

This very much reminds me of an ex-friend of mine. I am single and an aquaintance who was going through a dicorce sort of latched onto me. I was gald of the company. We had a lot in common. Then one day he rang me up and told me that he had been thrown out of the house by his wife and he did not know what he was going to do. He mentioned that he was suicidal, so I quickly dropped everything I was doing and went to see him. he was in a bar. He said that he wanted me to drive him to his first wife's house. he was being divorced by his second wife. he said that his first wife would take him in. I was very dubious, but he started to say that if he drove there himsulf he would probably drive into on-coming traffic and kill himself. Of course I said that I would do what he suggested as I did not want a death on my concious. I drove him the 30 miles to his first wife. I thought I was doing a good deed. I thought I was helping out a friend and perhaps stopping a possible suicde. then he said it to me . It was about half way in our 30 mile journey to his first wife's house. he said "I wonder if i will get a shag tonight". what a suprise. i felt totally duped and mislead by this guy. Of course I delivered this guy to where he wanted to go. But after that he was on his own. I was a "friend". I decided to breaks ties with him after that. It was easy for me I was just a friend. i certainly have sympathy with women who fall in love with those type of creeps.

best wishes

Brad

[addict70]

My ex wife and I get along pretty well for exes. We've set boundries for eachother and while things can sometimes get rocky we stay pretty much corjial, sometimes even friendly. It's agreed though it's over. Asking her out would be stepping way out of bounds.

I imagine it'd go something like this. Hey baby wanna go OW MY GROIN!!

She's gone through a long greiving process over the whole affair and I think she's finally reached some level of closure. Interfering with that would be just another betrayal.

As far as a friend calling me and saying their going to kill themself, the only response they'd get from me is "Sorry, used up all my pity on myself. Knock yourself out" I have no patience for those types, though I dont have any friends like that either.