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Post by completelydone on Dec 14, 2007 20:42:16 GMT -5
Unless and until he realizes the gravity of what he has done, you would be wasting your time. Saying, "Yes.", would have been the worst thing you could have done. He thinks you're mad and punishing him, more than likely, instead of seeing that he has done something so awful that you REALLY don't want him as he is.
If I were you, I'd refuse any dates, sex, etc. with him for a LONG time; until he gets that you are done barring some miracle breakthrough in his thick head.
He's not even remorseful is he? He shows no insight? No shame? No sorrow? NOTHING remotely indicative of a change of heart?
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Dec 15, 2007 14:27:08 GMT -5
You can't find out his true motives by asking other addicts, you can't find out his true motives by over analyzing his behavior either.... You can only find out his true motives by asking him, and him being truthful about them. yes, I'm aware of this fact. however, I did state the answer that he gave me which I thought was ambiguous and which gave me the impression that he asked me just to see if I would say yes and just to see if he could do it. I don't always assume the worst. I expect the worst most of the time because the worst is all that he's really capable of achieving at this time in his life. he is selfish and has always had the 'me, me, me' attitude ever since I caught on to his porn habit. and if after an entire decade of me pointing out to him how much his chronic use of it has affected me and our marriage and how morally it's just not right to do, he still thinks it's a 'normal guy thing' that ALL guys do (he has said men who say they don't use porn are liars and just say that so they don't get in trouble with their wives or girlfriends), then there's just no hope for him or for us. I just think it was an inappropriate and out-of-place question for him to ask me so early into our separation and not only that, the way he asked me and his attitude about it didn't seem to me like he was looking to discuss his feelings or thoughts about what his behavior has done to our relationship. it didn't feel genuine and he didn't act like it was. If his intentions are truly sincere, then he'll just have to get back with me some time in the distant future to see how I feel about him (and about things in general) then. I may not be able to figure out his true motives for asking me out by asking other addicts, but I can hear different opinions that could help me arrive at my own conclusions.
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Dec 15, 2007 14:54:09 GMT -5
Unless and until he realizes the gravity of what he has done, you would be wasting your time. Saying Yes, would have been the worst thing you could have done. exactly. that's why I politely told him 'no thanks' but then he just kind of smiled a bit and said 'i'm not gonna give up on you'. it's like he shows no emotion about it whatsoever and it just feels very superficial. sadly, I will be refusing any dates (and he knows that sex is a non-issue because that's somethiing that'll NEVER happen between us ever ever again) with him but will always remain friendly and cordial to him. hopefully he'll get to a place within himself that will accept that I no longer love him or want him in my life and that he'll move on with his own life and try to better himself by taking control of this obsessive porn viewing/mb-ing behavior and removing it from his life altogether. unfortunately no....he isn't showing any remorse for what he has done nor has he verbally expressed any. his attitude is that what he has done in the past and is still doing (mb-ing to teen/amateur porn), 'isn't that serious enough to dissolve a marriage over'. not that serious. in so many (indirect) words, he thinks that i should consider myself 'lucky' that he only looks at porn and doesn't go to strip clubs or actually cheat on me like many guys that he knows at work do to their wives/girflriends. so as you can see, there is virtually no hope for him (at least not with me). I just want to see him in a place in his life where he has normal relationships with women and still not mb-ing to teen porn. I think constantly looking at those demeaning and sexually-charged images really has ruined his brain permanently - and I think it's sad that an otherwise wonderful guy slowly turned into a selfish and narcissistic pervert all for the sake of 'satisfying the sexual fantasies he knows I'd never want to fulfill for him' (he actually said this to me!) along with a myriad of other excuses as to the reason he loves to use his porn and how much easier it is for him to relieve his 'horniness' with it than having to 'wait' until I'm in the mood for it. it's almost like he now sees the entire world and all the women in it through porn glasses. when I watch him look at an attractive teenager or young woman walk by and I can clearly see him leering at her with that porn-glazed look in his eyes - it disgusts me beyond articulation. I do appreciate everyone's responses because now I have a better understanding of why he would ask me such a question and what his motive was behind it.
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Post by completelydone on Dec 15, 2007 16:32:24 GMT -5
He's in a bad place. He's really quite gross right now. He's the one who's lucky; lucky you haven't cut off some man parts. Is he watching teen porn that's under 18? Because if he is that's child porn, not teen porn, and he needs to be turned in to the authorities. As it is I wouldn't trust him around ANY teenager. He's the kind of guy that I've cursed at in public for ogling my teen aged daughters. Disgusting pervert is what he is!
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Post by kyle on Dec 15, 2007 19:34:48 GMT -5
Nina I know we have had our differences in the past but After reading your last post, I will have to readdress my answer to you.
I do not know why, if what you have said is true, that he even consider asking you out other than to attempt to regain the control he thought he had. To me it sounds like what you think, Complete and total denial. If he is still of the attitude that his past habits are ok then he is not ready or unwilling to make any changes.
I will say that, like my last post, that you 2 can come to some amicable solution so that your children are not put in the middle of this ugliness. You guys will always be attached due to your children and they will be the ones damaged if a truce does not happen in some form.
I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.
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