maus1
Junior Member
Posts: 65
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Post by maus1 on May 1, 2007 0:23:40 GMT -5
Peter good job. That is great you could pull away like that... don't be temped to go back and finish the deed. You can do it.
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Post by barnes on May 1, 2007 9:40:48 GMT -5
The Voice has been calling me this afternoon. I hadn't heard from it for nearly four weeks. Don't know why it's suddenly decided to bother me now.
OK, I just need to remember that I don't want to give in to The Voice and if I do I'll set myself back in so many ways.
Slipping would be bad, very very bad. I'm not going to do it.
Barnes
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Post by sozinski on May 1, 2007 23:02:21 GMT -5
Hi and hello
I'm really appreciating the logging in on the Voice. I'm a few days into acknowledging the addiction and am viewing the Voice as my voice/ a part of me and that seems to be working well.
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Post by rockwell on May 2, 2007 10:55:04 GMT -5
I am going to be traveling for work and staying in a hotel for several days. I already have an action plan that I will immediately implement when I get to my hotel room.
First of all I will go to the TV, and immediate remove P access. I will not browse through the channels "just to see" what is on. NO WAY. Immediate removal! Sometimes these restrictions only last for 24 ours on these hotel TVs, so 24 hours later, I will do the same thing.
I have been on trips (pre Feb 22) and have not looked at P, but other times I have. The times that I did look at it I tempted myself by allowing the voice to dominate my mind and my will. It would tell me to just check the titles of the P channels. And then it would escalate. I know better now. And I should not trust myself or be over confident that just because I have not looked at P since Feb 22, that I am immune to temptations draw and power.
Never be off guard! So this is my action plan. Additionally some of the men I will be with, love to go to strip clubs. And Atlanta, where I will be, has tons of them. I am not going to go with them. I will just say NO.
In the end I bet I feel pretty good about myself and my decisions to do right versus the easy thing. And when I return to my lovely bride, I will be ready to embrace her in my arms with 100% love, no guilt and ready for our special time together.
rockwell
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Post by dirtrider on May 3, 2007 3:29:53 GMT -5
aaaaarrrrgghh, F#CK!! the voice is strong in my head today - I guess it's because I slipped briefly yesterday (see bikerider's journal) and it got its little fix, now today it wants more. today is going to be a loooong day, I can just feel it  i will try my damndest to hold out ... |
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Post by sozinski on May 3, 2007 18:46:28 GMT -5
I'm wondering what comes before the Voice kicks in - what are the set of conditions that present that give rise to the need. Mine would be feeling alone, abandoned not worthy or worthwhile. Example - if my girlfriend doesn't instigate contact for a few days, then I develop an escalating sense of unease and if this continues then I may start the "may as well" dialogue within.....
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Post by PapaFrita on May 3, 2007 21:21:06 GMT -5
After 2 weeks of sobriety (the longest period I've had since I've toughened my bottomline), THE VOICE came to me today. Tomorrow I have an opportunity to work from home tomorrow. If I want to, I could spend part of the day doing work and the rest of the day with P and MB. My boss, sponsor, or partner wouldn't know. Sooooo tempting...
I'm white-knuckling it right now. I came to this site looking for... something. Then I saw this thread. I never saw it before. It's exactly what I needed right now to put THE VOICE in check.
Tomorrow I'll make phone calls to other SLAA members and post here. I'll take it one hour at a time. I've been sober too long to act out tomorrow...
-pf
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Post by sozinski on May 4, 2007 2:37:45 GMT -5
Hi Papa
I'm adding my encouragement to you for your day tomorrow. Sounds like you've got a clear picture on how you want things to be and I really respect the voice of yours that's preparing yourself to stay well.
The very best of wishes.
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maus1
Junior Member
Posts: 65
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Post by maus1 on May 4, 2007 5:59:01 GMT -5
Yes, Papa, be strong. You will feel so great if you can withstand the temptation. Trust us.
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Post by wheresmysoul on May 4, 2007 6:41:20 GMT -5
While not quite hearing a voice, today I am feeling less excited about my stopping P. Don't quite know why that is. I have a fill month of sobriety and maybe I'm forgetting how much I hate looking at P, or maybe I'm nostalgic for the high. not sure. Don't like it. Figured I would fess up here.
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Post by blueclouds on May 4, 2007 8:39:15 GMT -5
wheresmysoul, I'm at around 3 and a half months, and I've had several short periods like what you describe, a kind of recovery apathy. In my case, part of it was that I was waiting for fireworks, and none came. I think you're right that it is a kind of nostalgia. From my understanding, though, what you miss after a whole month clean might be less the chemical high and more the psychoemotional high. In my case it was also true that I didn't hate looking at P, I liked it. I still don't hate it, and I think it's important for me to admit that. Oh, I hate some of the long-term effects, but I never think of those when I'm mainlining. I think I won't genuinely despise P-use until I've built (back) up something else inside, and have such P-incompatible value in my life that the whole idea of viewing the stuff seems ridiculous. I'm inching my way toward that point.
The voice wants me to believe I've made it, that porn addiction was a cold I've gotten over. The voice is appealing to my ego ("Hey kid, you may just have broken the world record for P-addcition recovery") in order to convince me to lower my gates and send all my soldiers home.
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Post by rockwell on May 4, 2007 9:55:49 GMT -5
I am ashamed to admit that the voice got the best of me yesterday. It was very tricky and I willingly gave in without much of a fight. It said "You don't have to look at P, just mB!"
I hesitated, resisted, hesitated, resisted, then gave in. I MBd :-(
I can already tell you that it did effect my sexual relationship with my wife. I did not feel like making love last night. I was more distant because I felt guilty. In the end it was not worth it at all. If only I had practiced what I have been preaching lately about deferred gratification.
sigh......
Well, I can honestly say it was not worth it. The momentary pleasure vs long term relationship. DAMN THAT VOICE. And shame on me!
rockwell
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Post by needachange on May 5, 2007 9:40:55 GMT -5
The voice always tells me to go to non nude sites when im trying to clean myself up. not only are non nude sites just as bad but those links dont always lead to other non nude sites but thats not my fault becauce I was only innocently looking at non nude pictures right.
Wrong!
How pathectic is that!
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 5, 2007 11:00:29 GMT -5
Beware! Don't let the voice lead you back to your old behaviors.
I CAN"T HEAR YOU! I'm not going to listen to the voice.
The voice keeps trying to tempt me back to my old behaviors.
When I hear the voice starting to call, I try to think good thoughts.
Good thoughts cancel out the voice.
wtc024
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Post by sozinski on May 5, 2007 16:15:56 GMT -5
What's the feeling behind the voice? If I'm pushing myself to find a way out i'm starting to look for the feeling and focus on that rather than engage in a battle with something that is manipulaive and non-sensical.
The connection with the feeling behind the obsessiveness is usually connected with my damaged child - that's where my attention needs to be. That's the other voice to listen to.
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i will try my damndest to hold out ...