Post by Ian06 on Apr 27, 2007 11:28:57 GMT -5
Today marks 180 days clean & sober since I picked porn & masturbation back up again last year in October. I had a week shy of 9 months last year, before I made the decision to slip. Or I should say, the decision made me.
It's been a long, rough haul. Today I'm feeling exhausted. I have no desire to indulge, or run back to porn & masturbation. I have no interest in starting that compulsion up again -- that driving compulsion that would consume every second of the day. I have no urge to play with fire, to re spark my lust. If I pick up, if I slip, then I will be back in the sh!t again -- and that's the worst place in the world to be. For me.
I am extremely grateful to this support board. This place has been the miracle that I have been looking for for years -- since I was a teenager. I currently live in a remote area that does not have any SLAA or SA meetings. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, and so know the power of 12-step meetings. They also saved my life when I stumbled into AA at the age of 19. I was a destroyed young-man, and AA saved my life, gave me back my life. I am very grateful. A whole new amazing world opened up to me.
I am also so grateful for all of the support I have received on the support board. Without the help & care of the human beings here, I would not be here -- I would be running the streets, once again consumed by my addiction to porn & masturbation. I am very lucky.
I am also so happy that a few of us have broken our boundaries and made telephone calls to each other. That has been the next step that I have needed/wanted to happen. It has made all the difference to connect with a few of the people here, hear their voices, reach out to them in my time of need, be available for them in their time of need. I can't wait to one day meet them in person. One day soon.
I have been in constant recovery from my porn & masturbation & love addictions since January 2006. I have never strayed very far from the support board. I have used the support board like a life raft -- alway staying in the middle, never hanging off the sides. Never drifting away. I have also made sure to use other tools for my recovery, like my personal journaling, my AA meetings, my telephone support, my recovery literature, my constant contact with my own higher power.
I have worked so hard to squash any sexual thoughts or ideas that might pop into my head, tempt me back to online surfing, video store haunting, constant masturbation. Once I let a thought or idea linger in my head for more than a split second -- my lust is re sparked. It's like a lightning bolt from my brain to my groin. Today it is easier to turn away any of those thoughts. It's not the fight that it used to be. Thank god. It does get easier. If I do the work.
My time in recovery from porn & masturbation has been one of most difficult periods of my life. I have had to face all of my feelings -- no matter what. Everything that I have run away from my entire life has been thrown back into my face. Some days it is a miracle that I am still standing. I am not running away. But sometimes I just have to stop walking, cover my head, and pray my (expletive) off. I've been lucky to do a lot of crying.
I am extremely grateful to be clean & sober today. No matter what happens, that must remain my primary purpose -- to not use porn & masturbation to run away from my feelings: good, bad, or indifferent. Yes this is a tough mother fu*king road to walk. Maybe the toughest I'll ever face. But, ultimately, it is worth it. I am finally allowing myself to become the man that I've always wanted to be:
A warm, loving, sensitive, honest, adventurous, courageous, passionate man. I am finally becoming my own best friend.
Thank you to everyone for all of your support.
Ian06
It's been a long, rough haul. Today I'm feeling exhausted. I have no desire to indulge, or run back to porn & masturbation. I have no interest in starting that compulsion up again -- that driving compulsion that would consume every second of the day. I have no urge to play with fire, to re spark my lust. If I pick up, if I slip, then I will be back in the sh!t again -- and that's the worst place in the world to be. For me.
I am extremely grateful to this support board. This place has been the miracle that I have been looking for for years -- since I was a teenager. I currently live in a remote area that does not have any SLAA or SA meetings. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, and so know the power of 12-step meetings. They also saved my life when I stumbled into AA at the age of 19. I was a destroyed young-man, and AA saved my life, gave me back my life. I am very grateful. A whole new amazing world opened up to me.
I am also so grateful for all of the support I have received on the support board. Without the help & care of the human beings here, I would not be here -- I would be running the streets, once again consumed by my addiction to porn & masturbation. I am very lucky.
I am also so happy that a few of us have broken our boundaries and made telephone calls to each other. That has been the next step that I have needed/wanted to happen. It has made all the difference to connect with a few of the people here, hear their voices, reach out to them in my time of need, be available for them in their time of need. I can't wait to one day meet them in person. One day soon.
I have been in constant recovery from my porn & masturbation & love addictions since January 2006. I have never strayed very far from the support board. I have used the support board like a life raft -- alway staying in the middle, never hanging off the sides. Never drifting away. I have also made sure to use other tools for my recovery, like my personal journaling, my AA meetings, my telephone support, my recovery literature, my constant contact with my own higher power.
I have worked so hard to squash any sexual thoughts or ideas that might pop into my head, tempt me back to online surfing, video store haunting, constant masturbation. Once I let a thought or idea linger in my head for more than a split second -- my lust is re sparked. It's like a lightning bolt from my brain to my groin. Today it is easier to turn away any of those thoughts. It's not the fight that it used to be. Thank god. It does get easier. If I do the work.
My time in recovery from porn & masturbation has been one of most difficult periods of my life. I have had to face all of my feelings -- no matter what. Everything that I have run away from my entire life has been thrown back into my face. Some days it is a miracle that I am still standing. I am not running away. But sometimes I just have to stop walking, cover my head, and pray my (expletive) off. I've been lucky to do a lot of crying.
I am extremely grateful to be clean & sober today. No matter what happens, that must remain my primary purpose -- to not use porn & masturbation to run away from my feelings: good, bad, or indifferent. Yes this is a tough mother fu*king road to walk. Maybe the toughest I'll ever face. But, ultimately, it is worth it. I am finally allowing myself to become the man that I've always wanted to be:
A warm, loving, sensitive, honest, adventurous, courageous, passionate man. I am finally becoming my own best friend.
Thank you to everyone for all of your support.
Ian06
