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Post by blueclouds on Apr 21, 2007 10:25:12 GMT -5
I'm happy to have reached an apparent milestone. I've read here a few times that only after 90 days can we start talking about real recovery. Call it 90, call it 100, call it 6 months -- I suppose there comes a time when you are no longer just holding out, holding your breath, watching the sky for the hammer that falls anywhere and anytime without warning. You reach a point where your recovery starts having more to do with restructuring and looking forward than it does with looking over your shoulder and keeping out of your addict's chokehold.
I'm not sure where I sit with this whole dichotomy. I still feel enormously vulnerable. I still recognize there are basic steps I haven't taken, such as telling my SO, telling anyone who isn't also an addict, or telling anyone at all face to face. I have lots of excuses for why I haven't done these things yet if anyone's interested (sigh).
Things I'm happy about: I am losing my fear of sex with my SO, and regaining some of my desire in that department. My mood is changing, life in general is looking rosier, and my SO has noticed this enough to have commented on it several times. The images of P and other sexual fantasies visit me less frequently now, and they are more like little pinpricks than deeply dug daggers; I can sort of barge through and not get taken down by them.
The road ahead: better, for me, not to dwell on that too much. Too many things look impossible from where I'm sitting. I wonder if all clichés carry as much hidden substance and truth as "One day at a time."
Blueclouds
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Post by phoenix on Apr 21, 2007 12:35:15 GMT -5
Congratulations on the Big 90, blueclouds!
You are a very timely inspiration. Thank you for blazing this trail right before me. . . I'm following, 88 days behind you.
So much of what you just so eloquently said here fits me to a tee. Thanks for sharing. And yes, I'd be interested to hear the reasons why you are putting off disclosing to your SO, because that's where I'm at, too. . . Guess it's the ultimate, "inconvenient truth".
Blueclouds, may every single day in your recovery be just a little better than the last.
Success,
phoenix
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Post by BlackSpiral on Apr 21, 2007 13:51:47 GMT -5
Congratulations on 90 days! :-) It was about 80 days in when I passed over the last thing I remember as a significant early hurdle, and around 90 to 100 days when my recovery really began to shape as moving deliberately forward, rather than simply trying to escape from what was behind me.
With not telling your SO - I did this one for a couple of years. I kept thinking that if I waited to tell her until I had some sobriety under my belt, it would be easier; it would show that I was serious, and the whole episode would go smoothly. Unfortunately - and firstly - I kept struggling and failing, so I never built up that "three months clean" or "six months clean" that I thought would help so much. I had a deadline that I expected her to remember, and remember thinking "In a year, I can tell her I've been clean a year..." then thinking two months later "I can tell her I've been clean ten months"...and so on...
Eventually, I told her. And my SO had a perspective on this; she told me that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd been six months clean or not. What hurt her as much as the behaviour itself was the deception and lies - and those would have lasted until the day I told her, no matter what else I had done. What she'd believed was true was not, and she didn't get a chance to come to terms with that until the day I told her.
Underneath, too, I know one thing that I never acknowledged - the reason I didn't want to disclose until I had sobriety had little to do with my SO, and everything to do with me wanting to side-step the consequences of my behaviour. I knew I deserved a chewing out - to be yelled at, despised, hated even for what I'd done - but I didn't want that, and hoped that if I could string together a few months of sobriety, I might be able to get away without going through it.
It didn't work. I wasted a year, struggling to avoid that. And ironically, if I'd told her when I'd first been struggling, rather than waiting over a year to own up, I might have been able to begin SERIOUS recovery just that much sooner - she was, ultimately, the most effective force in helping me to find my path to recovery. I'll never know now what could have been, of course; but I do know that concealing it from her was the wrong decision, and that I made it entirely for selfish reasons.
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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 21, 2007 13:55:06 GMT -5
I think there's no way around it. If we have a supportive SO who knows everything about what we've been struggling with, we have an asset in recovery that is beyond measure. It's just getting to that point that is so difficult.
-FB
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Post by BlackSpiral on Apr 21, 2007 13:59:08 GMT -5
As my SO just this minute phrased it rather nicely...
"Yeah, maybe you'll have three months or six months clean. But compared to what goes before it, all the deception and lies and how long it goes on, that's a miniscule gem in a whole pot of (expletive)."
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Post by blueclouds on Apr 21, 2007 14:38:17 GMT -5
Thanks everyone.
Blackspiral, I love the way you expressed what I needed to hear through your own experience. I am not oversensitive in this department, but if you had said "You need to" or "The reason you don't want to is because you...," chances are I would not have let as much of it in.
Yes Ferd, I'd love to have my SO's support -- but I want to skip ahead to 2 or 3 years from now, where she's already supporting me and groping her way towards forgiving me. This of course ties in to Blackspiral's point: I am most definitely wishing to avoid the consequences of my behavior. Even the idea of five minutes of my SO crying or venting over this terrifies me. And to even think of going through a period where the future of our relationship is in doubt... I am unquestionably a coward.
My mitigating circumstance, phoenix, is that my SO is currently almost 7 months pregnant. The SO's have advised me not to disclose now, because it could actually end up hurting the fetus. But of course, when this is no longer the case, it will be highly tempting to look for other "telling may do more harm than good" scenarios. Oh, I don't want to affect her milk production... Oh, she's between jobs, so the added stress will push her over the edge... oh, she'll be paranoid every time we share public space with other women, and on and on and on.
I am already filled with dread. I'll be using you guys a whole lot over the next few months to get through this question. You'll probably have to repeat yourselves a thousand times. Thanks for being there.
Blueclouds
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Post by phoenix on Apr 23, 2007 12:07:43 GMT -5
Wow, Blueclouds...
I had no idea. Best wishes for a healthy baby when the time comes, and I definitely would stay plugged into the SOs advice on this one. Keep up the great recovery work, and God bless. A lot of us will be praying for you. And keep praying for yourself to know when the time is right.
Take Care,
phoenix
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