6years Sober - still going strong.

[Freya]

Hi,

WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

Thought I'd add my piece here, since after all, I am an SA in recovery.

How, why, I don't 'fully' understand, but a lot of it has to do with me being raped @ 15 - objectified endlessly - beleiving (thanks to my mother) that I should submit to the man etc..


So.. I ended my marriage - which was a shame - really - he was way too good for me, after all - I was having these shameful thoughts of being with another man - I was ogling men, I was terrible - I didn't deserve this wonderful husband I had (who, incidentally - is a workaholic to the max - I saw him weekends only - and then he was an arrogant prck).

I fell into that trap of being lonely - looking for the wrong thing in life - I could get any man I wanted, I knew how to please - I loved this life, and I lived it. Porning often, MB often, the more I got, the more I wanted type of thing. I sunk into a black hole - I couldn't get out - I hated myself.

Why? Always being told I'm not pretty enough (parents), making the mistake of leaving my husband and having the world against me for it, being raped and never reporting it, feeling shame for everything I was...

I lost contact with reality - my sex life was more important. I dabbled in drugs and found that to be a pretty good release - I felt safe while I was out of it. Only pot.. but hey it did the trick, and now I learn.. its not 'only' pot - that in itself has pretty devastating affects on people.

So.. I ended up losing it altogether, I lied to therapists, I lied to everyone - including my kids, I lied to myself - I was LIVING A LIE.

What to do?

I stopped - completely.

It wasn't easy to start with, that impulsive urge to look @ P, or to go pickup a man so I wasnt' alone for the night - it WAS difficult to give it up - after all, I had everything a man wanted.. in itself it had its good qualities - I was desireable - something I had now proven to others who thought I wasn't. (parents.. again).. (see? I can get who I want when I want.. I AM good.. FIG JAM)

I engrossed myself in my children... they saved me from that hole I was in. Not to mention other things that are unexplainable - maybe it was God who dragged me out and put me back into life... it was awesome - I could smell the flowers again, I noticed the birds flying around, I stopped to pat dogs, talk to the elderly, had my kids friends over.. I had nothing to hide.. but I hid my secret from all - I was an SA in recovery.

Then I ended up in a relationship with an SA. This marked the time when I was shown I still had a lot of work to do. He taught me all the bad things I hadn't realised I had done to others - ie telling my exHusband he wasn't attractive to me any more - gee, I wonder why? I was not IN the marriage. My SA partner was not IN our relationship - he was severely detached.

That's another story, I have left him - we are still going through the motions of separation after 4yrs together and a very fun life apart from his addictions. But being SA free for the 6yrs I have, has really given me life back, and some self respect. I have learned to deal with issues - ie I have reported the rape, some 27years later - I have dealt with childhood issues for the most part, and I have dealt with self hatred. I have learned about decision making - not doing everything to please others, I have learned about self control.

I wouldnt' ever want to go down that road again, I never EVER want to be in the stronghold of SA - it killed the very person I am supposed to be.. I hope, in time, after my studies, to be able to help others who are stuck in a place they cant' get out of.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

[relationship]

awesome story, thank you so much for sharing. You're an inspiration.

I also think it is very important that you emphasize the reasons for your addictions. One cannot just cut of the weed, you have to pull it out by the roots.

All the best, stay safe,
relationship

[Webmaster]

Thank you, Freya, for all you do to help others while you help yourself.

[barnes]

relationship said:

One cannot just cut of the weed, you have to pull it out by the roots.

Nice analogy.

And thanks to Freya for a truly inspiring story.

Barnes

[oscar]

Hi Freya,

Your story is touching one. We can get so lost in life, and especially lost from ourselves. Many factors can contribute to it, but sadly, it is not the "factors" but us who do the suffering. I'm really glad to read your testimony how recovery is possible. Even the deep wounds can start to be healed, although it might take some time.

-oscar

[Freya]

Hey I didnt' realise people might reply here - thanks to those who did - the encouragement etc is fabulous

I love that line : One cannot just cut of the weed, you have to pull it out by the roots.


In part, thats why I'm not with the SA anymore too. He still smokes pot, still drinks - its not a healthy relationship when there is a trigger there all the time. I smoked a bit with him - for a while there - our relationship was built on addictions - + his sex addiction - which did give us good sex, but I didnt' need to recall stuff from my past to make it good for us - he did.. sad really.

I'm in turmoil over the relationship ending, but in the long run - if I want a healthy life - and to really grow - this thing we have is toxic - I am better off without it

Getting stronger by the day - and still moving further and further away from the SA that was once a part of me.. it IS pretty well non existent now - I'm so grateful for that

And Oscar wrote: Even the deep wounds can start to be healed, although it might take some time.

So so true - there are many 'wounds' that I feel sometimes will never ever heal, but with each day, brings new strength, new hope. This mess of a life IS finally making some sense to me.. I'm moving on UP - not OUT

Its great to be free, thats all I can say - oh.. and that it IS easier to deal with problems as they arise, rather than to push them aside - they dont' go away like that, after indulging in whatever we use to numb ourselves, when we sober up for a while, the problems are still there...

My only real advice to anyone - is to LEARN - we are never too old for it ;-)

cheers, and all the best to you all

[kevin]

Thanks for sharing, Freya!
I believe in recovery because I'm an optimist.
Thanks for giving this optimist an extra reason to keep believing.

All the best to you - you've earned it.


Kevin.

[oparth]

6 Years! Incredible--congratulations.