Post by LeopoldMozart on Aug 29, 2006 11:29:30 GMT -5
It was three years ago today that I made my vow to God to never look at porn again. Although I spent an average of 3 hours a day mb to porn or stuff I taped off the TV, the weekend before I come to God in absolute despair I had downloaded and mb to porn from Friday night to the following Monday morning with almost no sleep or food, almost arriving late to my classroom. Also, during that lost weekend, I was one click away from giving my credit card number to a porn website.
My bottom line at that time was to never look at porn, never mb while looking at any written or electronic text, pictures, or movies, never mb while fantasizing, and to stop staring at women.
My abstinence has not been perfect: about a year and half ago, I discovered some old porn on my computer from my pre-DSL days and out of curiousity looked at the first minute of a few of them before I deleted them. Looking back, I would say those 10 minutes or so didn't in any way affect my recovery. I got no arousal or anything from those very brief, very tame clips that I collected early in my addiction.
Although in November 2003 I added all mb to my bottom line, I have mb a few times since then, usually because I was very depressed and thought the physical release would help me. And once after my first make-out session with my exgf.
What has changed: The people in my life who know me have told me that several profound changes have occurred in my life since giving up porn.
1. I am far more available to the people in my life. I'm an infinitely better uncle to my nephew, a better brother and brother in law to my brother's family, a better friend etc. I'm more present, loving, compassionate, and have way more time for my loved ones.
2. When I was using I always had a vague sense of dissatisfaction and impatience with the world and all my relationships. The non-porn world was boring black and white while my private world of porn was vivid technicolor. Now, I am far more grateful for the love in my life, for the people in my life, for all the wonderful gifts God has given me. The world as it is has become more colorful and beautiful than my porn world ever was.
3. My attitude toward women used to be filled with anger, frustration, and cynicism. "They only care about looks; I'm too fat to be loved by any of those shallow women." Although I never completely lost my ability to understand or have compassion for women, I see in retrospect that I viewed them as objects of desire more then than now. Also, to be able to stare at them and ignore their reactions of discomfort or disgust required that I disconnect my empathy for women to a cerain extent. Again, I didn't realize how much of a monster I was becoming until many months after my vow to God. I feel now that I have more compassion and interest in women as human beings and children of God than I did before my addiction took over my life.
4. I'm far more honest and open about the details of my life and my thinking than I was pre-vow. There are people in my life who know everything about me and what I do and think, which is a great comfort.
5. I am much closer to having an attitude, described in the AA Big Book and in the book The Purpose Driven Life, of being on this Earth to do only one thing: To seek with prayer and meditation to increase my conscious contact with God, seeking only to know His will and the strength to carry that out. Almost every decision I make is guided by that, and I can feel myself increase in serenity and happiness the better I get at it.
What worked for me:
1. In despair and humiliation, admitting once and for all that I had no idea what would make me happy, that only God knew how I could be happy on this world. My notions of happiness brought me porn, depression, endangering my job, endangering my relationships, and becoming a monster. Asking God what I should, and listening to His voice as He expresses Himself through my Inner Voice (my true self), through the voices of people who care about me, and through the wisdom of recovery and spiritual literature. Listening to His voice and doing what He says, without bargaining or resisting.
2. Telling the people closest to me and asking for their help as I devote all of my time and energy into healing from this disease.
3. Making a deal with my closest friend, who is her self many years clean and sober, to call her every day for the first 30 days of my abstinence. Our calls were not only for accountability, but to talk out the extremely powerful negative emotions that we knew would avalanche onto me for the first month of abstinence.
4. Being absolutely honest with at least one person (for me, more like 5) about everything going on in my life and my thinking.
5. Until about a year ago, visiting this board. It was exhilarating to come to a community of people who had the same addiction I had. I learned about the "nice guy addict"; I learned that not mb helps my general recovery; I learned promiscuous sexuality need not be a defining characteristic of masculine virtue. Also, this place gave me a place to go on-line as an alternative to trolling for porn.
6. Committing myself to a community of people who are a) Devoted to spiritual growth and healing, b) Completely honest with each other, and c) Committed to maintaining a safe environment free of shaming and verbal abuse. I've learned that if even one of these characteristics is missing, the community actually destroys spiritual growth and recovery. I started going to the one local SAA meeting, but now I go 2 or 3 days a week to local Overeaters Anonymous meetings where I feel much more a part of a community. (Also, and this is embarrassing to say, there was this one guy at the SAA meeting who would always buttonhole me and get right in my face and start doing that 12 step preaching thing. I didn't know how to say, "Look, can I talk to some of the other men here?", so I just stopped going.)
7. I'll say it again. Right now, going to 12 step meetings, having a sponsor, and working the steps is gigantically important for continuing my growth and healing out of this disease.
What I still need God's healing with:
1. I am still very prone to codependent behavior. My last relationship was with a woman who was very damaged by her childhood, and who is using drugs to deal with the pain of living in her skin. I feel that no woman will like me unless they need me to comfort, nurture and heal them.
2. My own yucky childhood has inspired many negative patterns for me. If you want to read the perfect description of me, read Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. Under the section on the "Compliant Responder" there should be a little picture of me. I'm still very unforgiving of myself when I make a mistake. I'm still convinced that if I screw up I will be abandoned and hated by everyone. I'm still very critical of myself. I'm still very sensitive to when people treat me like I'm stupid.
3. I'm struggling with using food as an intoxicant, although I currently have 9 days of abstinence. (No sugar, no chips, no red meat, 3 meals a day with no snacks in between.)
Good luck to everyone!
LM
My bottom line at that time was to never look at porn, never mb while looking at any written or electronic text, pictures, or movies, never mb while fantasizing, and to stop staring at women.
My abstinence has not been perfect: about a year and half ago, I discovered some old porn on my computer from my pre-DSL days and out of curiousity looked at the first minute of a few of them before I deleted them. Looking back, I would say those 10 minutes or so didn't in any way affect my recovery. I got no arousal or anything from those very brief, very tame clips that I collected early in my addiction.
Although in November 2003 I added all mb to my bottom line, I have mb a few times since then, usually because I was very depressed and thought the physical release would help me. And once after my first make-out session with my exgf.
What has changed: The people in my life who know me have told me that several profound changes have occurred in my life since giving up porn.
1. I am far more available to the people in my life. I'm an infinitely better uncle to my nephew, a better brother and brother in law to my brother's family, a better friend etc. I'm more present, loving, compassionate, and have way more time for my loved ones.
2. When I was using I always had a vague sense of dissatisfaction and impatience with the world and all my relationships. The non-porn world was boring black and white while my private world of porn was vivid technicolor. Now, I am far more grateful for the love in my life, for the people in my life, for all the wonderful gifts God has given me. The world as it is has become more colorful and beautiful than my porn world ever was.
3. My attitude toward women used to be filled with anger, frustration, and cynicism. "They only care about looks; I'm too fat to be loved by any of those shallow women." Although I never completely lost my ability to understand or have compassion for women, I see in retrospect that I viewed them as objects of desire more then than now. Also, to be able to stare at them and ignore their reactions of discomfort or disgust required that I disconnect my empathy for women to a cerain extent. Again, I didn't realize how much of a monster I was becoming until many months after my vow to God. I feel now that I have more compassion and interest in women as human beings and children of God than I did before my addiction took over my life.
4. I'm far more honest and open about the details of my life and my thinking than I was pre-vow. There are people in my life who know everything about me and what I do and think, which is a great comfort.
5. I am much closer to having an attitude, described in the AA Big Book and in the book The Purpose Driven Life, of being on this Earth to do only one thing: To seek with prayer and meditation to increase my conscious contact with God, seeking only to know His will and the strength to carry that out. Almost every decision I make is guided by that, and I can feel myself increase in serenity and happiness the better I get at it.
What worked for me:
1. In despair and humiliation, admitting once and for all that I had no idea what would make me happy, that only God knew how I could be happy on this world. My notions of happiness brought me porn, depression, endangering my job, endangering my relationships, and becoming a monster. Asking God what I should, and listening to His voice as He expresses Himself through my Inner Voice (my true self), through the voices of people who care about me, and through the wisdom of recovery and spiritual literature. Listening to His voice and doing what He says, without bargaining or resisting.
2. Telling the people closest to me and asking for their help as I devote all of my time and energy into healing from this disease.
3. Making a deal with my closest friend, who is her self many years clean and sober, to call her every day for the first 30 days of my abstinence. Our calls were not only for accountability, but to talk out the extremely powerful negative emotions that we knew would avalanche onto me for the first month of abstinence.
4. Being absolutely honest with at least one person (for me, more like 5) about everything going on in my life and my thinking.
5. Until about a year ago, visiting this board. It was exhilarating to come to a community of people who had the same addiction I had. I learned about the "nice guy addict"; I learned that not mb helps my general recovery; I learned promiscuous sexuality need not be a defining characteristic of masculine virtue. Also, this place gave me a place to go on-line as an alternative to trolling for porn.
6. Committing myself to a community of people who are a) Devoted to spiritual growth and healing, b) Completely honest with each other, and c) Committed to maintaining a safe environment free of shaming and verbal abuse. I've learned that if even one of these characteristics is missing, the community actually destroys spiritual growth and recovery. I started going to the one local SAA meeting, but now I go 2 or 3 days a week to local Overeaters Anonymous meetings where I feel much more a part of a community. (Also, and this is embarrassing to say, there was this one guy at the SAA meeting who would always buttonhole me and get right in my face and start doing that 12 step preaching thing. I didn't know how to say, "Look, can I talk to some of the other men here?", so I just stopped going.)
7. I'll say it again. Right now, going to 12 step meetings, having a sponsor, and working the steps is gigantically important for continuing my growth and healing out of this disease.
What I still need God's healing with:
1. I am still very prone to codependent behavior. My last relationship was with a woman who was very damaged by her childhood, and who is using drugs to deal with the pain of living in her skin. I feel that no woman will like me unless they need me to comfort, nurture and heal them.
2. My own yucky childhood has inspired many negative patterns for me. If you want to read the perfect description of me, read Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. Under the section on the "Compliant Responder" there should be a little picture of me. I'm still very unforgiving of myself when I make a mistake. I'm still convinced that if I screw up I will be abandoned and hated by everyone. I'm still very critical of myself. I'm still very sensitive to when people treat me like I'm stupid.
3. I'm struggling with using food as an intoxicant, although I currently have 9 days of abstinence. (No sugar, no chips, no red meat, 3 meals a day with no snacks in between.)
Good luck to everyone!
LM
