Post by abel on Jun 25, 2006 22:15:30 GMT -5
How it started
Almost exactly a year ago to date I was at the lowest point in my life. I came back home from a rather uplifting trip and I foolishly let my old fears and anxieties take a hold of me. I forgot all my resolutions. I ignored all of the warning signs. Predictably, and before I knew it, I was sitting in front of my office computer looking at some really disgusting stuff. I don't remember now how long that last session lasted. It must have been hours. Afterwards I cried. Literally. Just wailed like a moron that I was. I felt totally helpless. I lost all respect for myself that day. I had nothing. No future. That was one year and a few days ago.
That same night I went back to this board. I had become a member here in 2003. I had had a few long term sobriety periods (up to 200 days) but apparently that was not enough. So I restarted my journal under the old title and vowed to post in it as long as I was sober. (I would have started another journal if I relapsed). Thankfully, I am still sober. My sobriety is stronger than ever. In fact, my whole life has changed over the past year in ways I could not imagine.
Very brief bio
Before we go on, here is my brief history. I am about to turn 32 and currently employed as a math professor at a decent US university. I grew up in Russia back when it was the much feared Soviet Union. As a result, my upbringing was fairly puritanic. I saw first pornographic images when I was about 20 years old (Thanks Communist Party, if only we could have that one part of communism back---no pornography on the streets or in stores) Unfortunately, despite my puritanic upbringing, I got almost instantly addicted to internet pornography in grad school (I went to grad school in the US). It was a classic combination of pressure-cooker environment, loneliness, isolation and T-1 unrestricted access to the web. Math can be frustrating, believe it or not. And what better way is there to relieve frustration than masturbating over some brightly lit pixels on computer screen?
I had been addicted to internet pornography for about five years. That's five years out of seven I spent in grad school on the beautiful East Coast. The years that were meant to be the happiest in my life. A heavy price to pay for this addiction. Nevertheless, I am glad for this experience. I wish I could have learned this lesson without having become a porn junkie but maybe there was no other way? I guess I'll never know. So, let's discuss my recovery plan.
My recovery plan
This recovery plan is not for everyone. It worked for me quite well though. I base my recovery on three things: positive thinking, sports, and posting here. Let's start with positive thinking. I used to think that my addiction was grounded in the images I saw on the screen and the hormones that were released during masturbation. Well, I was neglecting the daydreaming factor. I used to fantasize a lot about sex. Especially, before going to sleep. I liked to ogle too. Turning off the fantasy and stopping the ogling played a major role in my recovery. This is definitely something I would encourage the beginners to focus on. It is all in our minds... Now on to sports. I am a serious runner and a yoga practitioner. And I can safely say that without sports I would have never gotten to where I am today in my recovery. I learned to go to the gym when I wanted to act out, when I was too tired, when I was too excited, when I was sleep-deprived, when I overslept, when I was depressed, when I could not focus and so on. As a result, not only am I celebrating my recovery anniversary today but I am in my top physical shape. Gosh, I am even ogled at, as I have recently learned, at the gym. Quite ironic, would not you say? Finally, about posting here. I don't know where I would be without this board. Over the last year I have spent a lot of time writing here. It was a time well spent. I became introspective and more articulate. I got tremendously helpful feedback. I also read the posts voraciously and I have learned a lot from them. So, I would like to use this opportunity to thank Wes from the bottom of my heart for creating this place and I would also like to thank everyone who comes here to heal and help others.
I did not do 12 steps. I did not go to any meetings. I did not put aside money for staying sober nor did I pray to a higher power (I am an atheist). However I would have done all of these things and more if I needed to. There is no price high enough to pay for recovery from sexual addiction. And any path that leads to freedom is worth walking.
Into the blue
I don't think that I have the ability to express in this short post all the things that I want to share. Please feel free to read my journal if you are so inclined. But here is the explanation of the strange title of the thread. A year ago I "crossed into the blue" in a big way and abstained from all forms of sexual activity (including fantasizing about sex) for about 330 days. This gave me an unprecedented clarity of mind and helped me rediscover my strength. I went through a big cancer scare just a few months ago (thanks to all who supported and prayed for me. Your prayers totally worked!) I went through a lot of stuff at work that ordinarily would have sent me back into addiction. And, although there were occasional challenges, almost nothing daunted me. I don't know if the following makes sense to you. Maybe later I'll find a better way to express myself. But I felt that I was not just abstaining from sex because I was an addict or because I could not get it. For the first time in my life I was genuinly not worried about "missing out on life" and therefore I did not have any tendency to slip or relapse. I simply wanted to focus on other things like my recovery, my professional growth, my athletic form. I reached out to friends and colleagues and it was incredible. Friendship. There is nothing better. I reconnected with people in real life and on this board. And sexual addiction just faded into the background.
Out of the blue
About a month ago I became romantically involved with the woman of my dreams and hence I am "out of the blue" (purple as a beet as they say). And let me tell you, I am going through a wild Romance with a capital R which I would have never experienced it if it had not been for a year of deep recovery. Just in case anybody is wondering, I have told her about my upcoming recovery anniversary. And on another occasion I have told her that my addiction was not about substance abuse. I brought up the subject voluntarily both times and both times she decided not to pursue it. Third time is going to be a charm, right?
Coda
I am not proclaiming myself cured. I have had long stretches of sobriety (200 days) before (in 2003) Yet I do feel that this time is different. The previous recovery work certainly helped create a solid foundation for the present attempt. What's important though is that there has been a major shift in my attitude towards recovery which I hope will become permanent.
I'll keep coming to the board every now and then. I will be travelling this summer so my next update will probably be in late August. If anybody wants to ask any questions there are welcome to use this thread or my journal or PM. Thanks for reading and good luck in all your endeavors!
Abel
The following is a link to my journal:
lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=journal&action=display&thread=1119498498&page=1
Almost exactly a year ago to date I was at the lowest point in my life. I came back home from a rather uplifting trip and I foolishly let my old fears and anxieties take a hold of me. I forgot all my resolutions. I ignored all of the warning signs. Predictably, and before I knew it, I was sitting in front of my office computer looking at some really disgusting stuff. I don't remember now how long that last session lasted. It must have been hours. Afterwards I cried. Literally. Just wailed like a moron that I was. I felt totally helpless. I lost all respect for myself that day. I had nothing. No future. That was one year and a few days ago.
That same night I went back to this board. I had become a member here in 2003. I had had a few long term sobriety periods (up to 200 days) but apparently that was not enough. So I restarted my journal under the old title and vowed to post in it as long as I was sober. (I would have started another journal if I relapsed). Thankfully, I am still sober. My sobriety is stronger than ever. In fact, my whole life has changed over the past year in ways I could not imagine.
Very brief bio
Before we go on, here is my brief history. I am about to turn 32 and currently employed as a math professor at a decent US university. I grew up in Russia back when it was the much feared Soviet Union. As a result, my upbringing was fairly puritanic. I saw first pornographic images when I was about 20 years old (Thanks Communist Party, if only we could have that one part of communism back---no pornography on the streets or in stores) Unfortunately, despite my puritanic upbringing, I got almost instantly addicted to internet pornography in grad school (I went to grad school in the US). It was a classic combination of pressure-cooker environment, loneliness, isolation and T-1 unrestricted access to the web. Math can be frustrating, believe it or not. And what better way is there to relieve frustration than masturbating over some brightly lit pixels on computer screen?
I had been addicted to internet pornography for about five years. That's five years out of seven I spent in grad school on the beautiful East Coast. The years that were meant to be the happiest in my life. A heavy price to pay for this addiction. Nevertheless, I am glad for this experience. I wish I could have learned this lesson without having become a porn junkie but maybe there was no other way? I guess I'll never know. So, let's discuss my recovery plan.
My recovery plan
This recovery plan is not for everyone. It worked for me quite well though. I base my recovery on three things: positive thinking, sports, and posting here. Let's start with positive thinking. I used to think that my addiction was grounded in the images I saw on the screen and the hormones that were released during masturbation. Well, I was neglecting the daydreaming factor. I used to fantasize a lot about sex. Especially, before going to sleep. I liked to ogle too. Turning off the fantasy and stopping the ogling played a major role in my recovery. This is definitely something I would encourage the beginners to focus on. It is all in our minds... Now on to sports. I am a serious runner and a yoga practitioner. And I can safely say that without sports I would have never gotten to where I am today in my recovery. I learned to go to the gym when I wanted to act out, when I was too tired, when I was too excited, when I was sleep-deprived, when I overslept, when I was depressed, when I could not focus and so on. As a result, not only am I celebrating my recovery anniversary today but I am in my top physical shape. Gosh, I am even ogled at, as I have recently learned, at the gym. Quite ironic, would not you say? Finally, about posting here. I don't know where I would be without this board. Over the last year I have spent a lot of time writing here. It was a time well spent. I became introspective and more articulate. I got tremendously helpful feedback. I also read the posts voraciously and I have learned a lot from them. So, I would like to use this opportunity to thank Wes from the bottom of my heart for creating this place and I would also like to thank everyone who comes here to heal and help others.
I did not do 12 steps. I did not go to any meetings. I did not put aside money for staying sober nor did I pray to a higher power (I am an atheist). However I would have done all of these things and more if I needed to. There is no price high enough to pay for recovery from sexual addiction. And any path that leads to freedom is worth walking.
Into the blue
I don't think that I have the ability to express in this short post all the things that I want to share. Please feel free to read my journal if you are so inclined. But here is the explanation of the strange title of the thread. A year ago I "crossed into the blue" in a big way and abstained from all forms of sexual activity (including fantasizing about sex) for about 330 days. This gave me an unprecedented clarity of mind and helped me rediscover my strength. I went through a big cancer scare just a few months ago (thanks to all who supported and prayed for me. Your prayers totally worked!) I went through a lot of stuff at work that ordinarily would have sent me back into addiction. And, although there were occasional challenges, almost nothing daunted me. I don't know if the following makes sense to you. Maybe later I'll find a better way to express myself. But I felt that I was not just abstaining from sex because I was an addict or because I could not get it. For the first time in my life I was genuinly not worried about "missing out on life" and therefore I did not have any tendency to slip or relapse. I simply wanted to focus on other things like my recovery, my professional growth, my athletic form. I reached out to friends and colleagues and it was incredible. Friendship. There is nothing better. I reconnected with people in real life and on this board. And sexual addiction just faded into the background.
Out of the blue
About a month ago I became romantically involved with the woman of my dreams and hence I am "out of the blue" (purple as a beet as they say). And let me tell you, I am going through a wild Romance with a capital R which I would have never experienced it if it had not been for a year of deep recovery. Just in case anybody is wondering, I have told her about my upcoming recovery anniversary. And on another occasion I have told her that my addiction was not about substance abuse. I brought up the subject voluntarily both times and both times she decided not to pursue it. Third time is going to be a charm, right?
Coda
I am not proclaiming myself cured. I have had long stretches of sobriety (200 days) before (in 2003) Yet I do feel that this time is different. The previous recovery work certainly helped create a solid foundation for the present attempt. What's important though is that there has been a major shift in my attitude towards recovery which I hope will become permanent.
I'll keep coming to the board every now and then. I will be travelling this summer so my next update will probably be in late August. If anybody wants to ask any questions there are welcome to use this thread or my journal or PM. Thanks for reading and good luck in all your endeavors!
Abel
The following is a link to my journal:
lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=journal&action=display&thread=1119498498&page=1
I am sure your success means a lot to the community and we are all cheering you on. 
