Post by imtheoneincontrol on Dec 22, 2007 18:21:48 GMT -5
"It's better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie."
(Rough quote from memory.) _The Kite Runner_, Khaled Hosseini
Folks, I haven't been taking this seriously enough. Thursday night I acted out again. I downloaded tons of titillating garbage and masturbated until my penis was red. That's just the truth, and I don't wish to disguise it with any euphemisms. A penis is a penis. It's the same penis I was born with and I used to rub against my sheets as a boy. I've often heard it said that porn use is a normal thing. I've heard that it's natural for guys to look at porn and masturbate. Well even if it's normal and natural for the general populace, I don't believe it's normal and natural to spend hours and hours and hours on it (I believe I spent about 5 or 6 that night) to the point of potentially damaging the skin of one's penis. Educated in the Catholic tradition all the way up until college, I sometimes feel I've been the product of a repressed attitude towards sexuality. I think I use that as an excuse, though. I think I use too many goshdamn excuses.
I thought I had a healthy self-esteem. I thought I loved myself pretty well. What's happening, though, is that I'm letting one side of myself, the side that lusts for sexual contact with beautiful women, damage the side of myself that has too much self-respect for this business. It's hard to square the reality with what I thought was true. I'm thinking it perhaps isn't true that I love myself after all. If I loved myself would I allow this to go on and on again and again? I rub lotion on my penis after an all-out flesh fest and think this is good enough. But it's not. I need to get real.
Right now I'm finding it so difficult to think about the future. I'm not making any resolutions or anything. I'd like to just focus right now on the plain and simple truth that I've been denying for so long. I can't continue this porn fixation and still say that I love myself. These things are inconsistent.
(Rough quote from memory.) _The Kite Runner_, Khaled Hosseini
Folks, I haven't been taking this seriously enough. Thursday night I acted out again. I downloaded tons of titillating garbage and masturbated until my penis was red. That's just the truth, and I don't wish to disguise it with any euphemisms. A penis is a penis. It's the same penis I was born with and I used to rub against my sheets as a boy. I've often heard it said that porn use is a normal thing. I've heard that it's natural for guys to look at porn and masturbate. Well even if it's normal and natural for the general populace, I don't believe it's normal and natural to spend hours and hours and hours on it (I believe I spent about 5 or 6 that night) to the point of potentially damaging the skin of one's penis. Educated in the Catholic tradition all the way up until college, I sometimes feel I've been the product of a repressed attitude towards sexuality. I think I use that as an excuse, though. I think I use too many goshdamn excuses.
I thought I had a healthy self-esteem. I thought I loved myself pretty well. What's happening, though, is that I'm letting one side of myself, the side that lusts for sexual contact with beautiful women, damage the side of myself that has too much self-respect for this business. It's hard to square the reality with what I thought was true. I'm thinking it perhaps isn't true that I love myself after all. If I loved myself would I allow this to go on and on again and again? I rub lotion on my penis after an all-out flesh fest and think this is good enough. But it's not. I need to get real.
Right now I'm finding it so difficult to think about the future. I'm not making any resolutions or anything. I'd like to just focus right now on the plain and simple truth that I've been denying for so long. I can't continue this porn fixation and still say that I love myself. These things are inconsistent.