Post by toland on Dec 19, 2007 13:00:55 GMT -5
I'm not really sure what to put here, I did a long post in the recovery forum which I'll paste here, I'll continue this journal at the bottom : -
Hi, I'm brand new here today and have been scouring the net to look for a forum which gives support to people, I have found dozens but a lot of them seem to be run by 'Christians' who force their beliefs on you and insist that the Devil is inside of you for looking at Porn etc. Although I respect the views of other peoples faith I don't actually believe that the Devil is indeed inside of me, though I understand that some do and thats fair enough.
Anyway, I'm going to give you a little bit of a background and would like to know what you think.
I'm 37 (just gone) and have had one serious relationship which actually ended when I was 22, lasted 7 years, the sex was great, no problems there, but the short of it was that I always knew we would split up as we never really got on that well, thing is I always thought it would be me who did the breaking up, it was her, she went from what seemed like, totally in love with me to wanting to be with other guys and going with other guys almost as soon as we split up, this damaged me in ways that I never really recovered from if I'm honest and I've not really had a serious relationship since then.
Hide triggering content
If I'm being honest, I've only had the opportunity of 'free' sex a total of 3 times since then and each time I've been impotent and not been able to have sex, I made the excuse that 'I think its too early for this' etc and actually came away looking like I was a gent I suppose, but the truth is I would have loved to have had the sex!
I have had sex since then, in fact I'm going to be totally honest and tell you all that I've probably slept with at the very least 200 women, all of them prostitutes. Started with picking them up from the streets (that lasted about 3 years on and off) and then progressed to massage parlours and with the invent of the Internet I moved onto what could be described as high class hookers who I would meet in hotels, now these women are really expensive and most are porn stars, a couple are pretty famous and this gave me a bit of a buzz. I had no problems with erection with these women.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep the story in some sort of perspective, it may be helpful for you to know that I befriended a local working girl who worked from a flat and did all her website work for her, I stopped having 'relations' with her and we ended up as friends, but it was always me chasing her and I came fairly obsessed with her. I always knew I could never really have her as she was gorgeous and I thought the best I could do would be to be her friend and at least I could have her personality and the rest of the guys could have her body if they paid enough, I sort of thought I'd won this way and she consumed my life, I had to see councilers, lost my job, my house and always said it was due to other things which I was very creative in making up but I knew it was down to my obsession with her. In the end (12 months ago) she retired and disapeared. I never heard from her again though I know she's fine as I did see a message on an internet site saying that she had moved back to her home town and stopped working as she had met and fell in love with someone. I never even had a goodbye.
Another smaller story, sometimes I used to get so horny I would travel the local city area to find lap dancing bars and one night I asked the dancer if she would meet me in a hotel for £200.00 for sex, she did and did so another few times. She was a nice girl and I did text her a few times to say hi and ask how she was, didnt get a reply though. I'd always get a reply if I texted to say 'would you like to meet up?' as she knew she would be getting £200.00. She probably doesnt think anything of what I feel and probably thinks I'm fine about it. Anyway, not seen her for a while either, probably as I've not asked to meet up.
Anyway, my situation now br]
I had to sell my flat a few months ago and made a few grand (though I had originally sold a house to buy the flat, I then couldnt afford the flat due to credit card bills borrowing cash for hookers) anyway, I'd not seen any hookers for a while apart from a really awful £40 woman near where I live.
Hide triggering content
With the extra money I went a bit mad and saw about 5 different girls, each one being more expensive than the last, the final one being so hot it was untrue. I've now not seen one for a few weeks and I started to masterbate frequently (3 or 4 times a day) and the situation that I'm in now is that I cant get an erection even when masterbating, I can get a weak one and I can ejaculate but it takes a lot of work and I do it now to try to prove to myself that I can actually do it, theres no way I could get hard with a woman, hooker or otherwise at the moment.
I have taken the desicion over the last few days to try to sort myself out, I've deleted all porn off my hard drive (and I had 300 gig of it, all organised into names and some of the movies I'd made with me and hookers in them) It was a really hard thing to do believe me. I've also got rid of the few porn mags I have and my flat and pc are so clean now my mother could scan my hard drive and not be surprised by anything.
I work early mornings which means I'm home by about 11am, most days I spend masterbating or trying to, and downloading porn (forgot to mention, I spend about £100 a month on porn sites, all of which are now cancelled). I really want my life back and maybe a normal relationship.
I'm also hoping that I'm not permantly impotent which is what has brought this all about, that is worrying me a lot.
To be honest, if I could get an erection I would probably never have come here. I'd really welcome any support
Hi, I'm brand new here today and have been scouring the net to look for a forum which gives support to people, I have found dozens but a lot of them seem to be run by 'Christians' who force their beliefs on you and insist that the Devil is inside of you for looking at Porn etc. Although I respect the views of other peoples faith I don't actually believe that the Devil is indeed inside of me, though I understand that some do and thats fair enough.
Anyway, I'm going to give you a little bit of a background and would like to know what you think.
I'm 37 (just gone) and have had one serious relationship which actually ended when I was 22, lasted 7 years, the sex was great, no problems there, but the short of it was that I always knew we would split up as we never really got on that well, thing is I always thought it would be me who did the breaking up, it was her, she went from what seemed like, totally in love with me to wanting to be with other guys and going with other guys almost as soon as we split up, this damaged me in ways that I never really recovered from if I'm honest and I've not really had a serious relationship since then.
Hide triggering content
If I'm being honest, I've only had the opportunity of 'free' sex a total of 3 times since then and each time I've been impotent and not been able to have sex, I made the excuse that 'I think its too early for this' etc and actually came away looking like I was a gent I suppose, but the truth is I would have loved to have had the sex!
I have had sex since then, in fact I'm going to be totally honest and tell you all that I've probably slept with at the very least 200 women, all of them prostitutes. Started with picking them up from the streets (that lasted about 3 years on and off) and then progressed to massage parlours and with the invent of the Internet I moved onto what could be described as high class hookers who I would meet in hotels, now these women are really expensive and most are porn stars, a couple are pretty famous and this gave me a bit of a buzz. I had no problems with erection with these women.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep the story in some sort of perspective, it may be helpful for you to know that I befriended a local working girl who worked from a flat and did all her website work for her, I stopped having 'relations' with her and we ended up as friends, but it was always me chasing her and I came fairly obsessed with her. I always knew I could never really have her as she was gorgeous and I thought the best I could do would be to be her friend and at least I could have her personality and the rest of the guys could have her body if they paid enough, I sort of thought I'd won this way and she consumed my life, I had to see councilers, lost my job, my house and always said it was due to other things which I was very creative in making up but I knew it was down to my obsession with her. In the end (12 months ago) she retired and disapeared. I never heard from her again though I know she's fine as I did see a message on an internet site saying that she had moved back to her home town and stopped working as she had met and fell in love with someone. I never even had a goodbye.
Another smaller story, sometimes I used to get so horny I would travel the local city area to find lap dancing bars and one night I asked the dancer if she would meet me in a hotel for £200.00 for sex, she did and did so another few times. She was a nice girl and I did text her a few times to say hi and ask how she was, didnt get a reply though. I'd always get a reply if I texted to say 'would you like to meet up?' as she knew she would be getting £200.00. She probably doesnt think anything of what I feel and probably thinks I'm fine about it. Anyway, not seen her for a while either, probably as I've not asked to meet up.
Anyway, my situation now br]
I had to sell my flat a few months ago and made a few grand (though I had originally sold a house to buy the flat, I then couldnt afford the flat due to credit card bills borrowing cash for hookers) anyway, I'd not seen any hookers for a while apart from a really awful £40 woman near where I live.
Hide triggering content
With the extra money I went a bit mad and saw about 5 different girls, each one being more expensive than the last, the final one being so hot it was untrue. I've now not seen one for a few weeks and I started to masterbate frequently (3 or 4 times a day) and the situation that I'm in now is that I cant get an erection even when masterbating, I can get a weak one and I can ejaculate but it takes a lot of work and I do it now to try to prove to myself that I can actually do it, theres no way I could get hard with a woman, hooker or otherwise at the moment.
I have taken the desicion over the last few days to try to sort myself out, I've deleted all porn off my hard drive (and I had 300 gig of it, all organised into names and some of the movies I'd made with me and hookers in them) It was a really hard thing to do believe me. I've also got rid of the few porn mags I have and my flat and pc are so clean now my mother could scan my hard drive and not be surprised by anything.
I work early mornings which means I'm home by about 11am, most days I spend masterbating or trying to, and downloading porn (forgot to mention, I spend about £100 a month on porn sites, all of which are now cancelled). I really want my life back and maybe a normal relationship.
I'm also hoping that I'm not permantly impotent which is what has brought this all about, that is worrying me a lot.
To be honest, if I could get an erection I would probably never have come here. I'd really welcome any support
