Journal - Serenity now!!

[serenity4me]

Ok, so here is my first foray into a journal. I'll just try to get my thoughts down in writing, maybe it will be therapeutic?

So here I am at day five after my last a/o. I really crashed and burned by both viewing p and mb last thursday. I had managed to stay in control for a while before that, so that gives me hope for the future.

My biggest problem is coming clean with my so. Obviously I don't want to get in trouble, but I feel like I'm let her down when I tell her.

We went a couple years where she thought everything was hunky dory, and she got a shock when she found some stuff on covenant eyes, I have to wonder just a little bit if I wanted to be caught. She finally dragged the truth out of me and found out that I had not been clean the last couple years like she thought and had repeatedly lied to her about it.

I'm trying to shake that managing information thing, I guess I feel like if I had told her, she wouldn't love me anymore, but I'm coming to terms with the fact, that frankly, maybe she shouldn't, since I have been unfaithful by using p. It was like I was trying to avoid the consequences, and it definitely was not fair to her. She can't really love me if I don't give her the opportunity to make that choice with all the facts.

So I hosed my marriage pretty good. After our last major d day back in June, we were limping along for a little while until our relationship seemed to spiral down more. I was feeling like she was cutting me off emotionally more and and more(can you blame her?) and then I finally admit the other night that I had acted out, in true minimizer fashion(no p) This hurt her greatly though and we had a discussion about it. After I went to go to bed in my separate room, I begin the realize the futility of lying any more. Sure I can talk big about being honest, but could I really do it?

So I went back into her room and woke her up and told her that I had a/o a couple times since the d-day and that it had involved p, and what methods I had used, since I avoided my regular pc. I thought I was going to throw up. She was devastated, we talked for a bit more, staying up way too late and then eventually sleeping a couple hours before we shuffled off to work. I think I torpedoed any remaining chance of us staying together though. On the flip side, I didn't make the situation worse by continuing to hide the truth, so hopefully that helped soften the blow. It would have killed her to find out again on her own I think. I told her how sorry I was, but I don't think she believes me anymore, but then I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop on what she wants to do about us. I think she is still trying to decide. I'm really scared of losing her, she's my best friend, but I have a lot to learn about being a husband..

So I'm going to go work out , and I'll chalk up another sober day, and see what tomorrow brings.

[jjmikemike]

Hi and good luck with your journey. One thing I really don't understand is the extremely strong reactions from spouses and girlfriends when it comes to porn and masturbatory behavior. It sounds like I'm extremely fortunate in that my girlfriend just thinks that porn is stupid and doesn't take it personally. I actually think that she's very confused at why I would ever have an addiction to it in the first place. Maybe you've been acting so guilty that you've helped your spouse believe that it's actually a threat to her? Is it a threat to her? Either way, good luck and I think that posting on this board is a great idea. And hopefully you've read the 10 keys as well because they've really helped me. Take care,

- John

[serenity4me]

Thanks! I'll take any extra luck and any good luck charms

As for the strong reaction to p and mb, basically it's like mentally having an affair. We were so used to doing it, our mentality was warped into thinking it's normal and that it's not a big deal until p and mb become this compulsive habit.


So today is another good day, sober wise. I managed to dodge the bullet of having to work out of town for 2 weeks, so I'm happy about that. I would like to think I could stay sober during that time alone, but why add any extra stressors of staying alone in a hotel.

Had another discussion with my so, she brought up some really good points and helped me discover some truths that were painful. Basically I couldn't have been in real recovery for the last few months if I still managed information about my slips, and maybe I'm only doing this recovery to appease her. I don't think I am, I'm really sick of having this addiction around my neck.

I feel good that I made it another day w/o any slips, but I still feel like a scumbag. How do you make up for being a selfish (expletive) and manipulator all this time? I know in my wife's and my family's eyes I am a untrustworthy loser, I don't always feel that way about myself, but maybe that's just me deluding myself.

[serenity4me]

Whoops! sorry for the "expletive", I didn't really think that would trigger any filters.

[serenity4me]

Another day p and mb free.

I didn't end up working out tonight, but I didn't feel all that well, so I took it easy this evening. I had a pretty good session with my counselor earlier in the evening before i got home and feel that's another positive step.

I am still working on FOO issues and I think as I clear those up, I will get into real recovery. I still struggle with deserving love and having to earn it from others.

[serenity4me]

Another day, another day sober. So far I have held things together pretty well. I have to make sure I don't get complacent though.

So far this has been a fairly stress less holiday, and I haven't really had the urge to ao at all lately. I've been trying to avoid late night tv, and sticking to just movies if I end up staying up.

I still need a lot of work on being a better person. My so commented to me the other day that I don't have much empathy towards how this whole thing has made her feel. I felt like a jerk, and at first I thought I did show empathy, but I'm learning to get past my lying to myself and take a harder look at myself. I know I need to grow emotionally.

We saw the movie I am Legend, an awesome movie, and one of the rare times we go out and do anything fun together. I wish I could say it was a date night, but I don't think we can even entertain that type of thing unless she decides that she wants to pursue that avenue. Currently things are mostly cordial between us, but strained emotionally. I tried to hug her after thanking her for my Christmas gift, but that made her uncomfortable. Definitely any romantic feelings she might have had for me are long gone. I hope they can come back. I think they have been gone for a very long time, but I lied to myself that things were really ok. I killed them pretty good with my lying and ao.

I found myself really emotional during the movie, for obvious reasons, (you have to see it and you'd understand) but also emotional after the movie when people were leaving. I guess I was upset and saddened by all the people in theater that laughed at inappropriate things, were obviously bored, had no consideration for others, and pretty much untouched by the movie. And I thought I didn't have much empathy.

I managed to do decent on my first college class, and I've lost a little weight, I can tell as my pants don't fit so well anymore
Long way to go to correct all the life I haven't lived properly and I have a lot of making up to do to my so.

we're going over to my so's parents house for christmas day, so hopefully that won't be too rough on her. She has foo issues, and it can really make her upset and I feel really bad for her.