1Step's Journal - Today I will be sober.

[1step]

Today I will overcome the darkness.

One of my good friends is a recovering alcoholic and she told me that at the end of the each day, after all the temptations creep in, she is proud of her sobriety.

I want to be proud of myself and each day I will focus on a positive goal.

Today, I want to study for my exam, even when the computer beckons me elsewhere.

[1step]

Alright, Day 1 is under way.

I'm feeling great. Lots to do today, so it will be easy. I've already gotten more done by quarter to 8 in the morning than I usually get by 10. Alright now, keep rolling.

[1step]

Alright...you're doing well. The love is asleep but you're keeping your eyes on the prize. Godfather is a nice distraction. Remember how much you can accomplish, especially in terms of happiness.

[1step]

Facing my first lustful moment tonight. The beautiful lady is in bed and I am on the couch where I have binged so many times before, with my computer of course. I need to keep studying, but my mind has wandered.

How can this really be an issue? It feels so foolish. Then I think back to the porn, I think back to when it was new. I was what, maybe 10? Is that when it started?

I remember the guilt I felt even back then. My soul was troubled. I know that human beings are sexual, but porn perverts. It makes me truly unhappy.

I notice this is the first time that I've focused on porn and on the past. Since I've started this journey my mind has been focused on the future and on happiness, not unhappiness. I guess this reflective mode is helpful, but it also could serve to rationalize what I have done and excuse it. I don't want to blame myself or feel bad, but I also want to focus on why it is that I aim to recover. I want to be happy, healthy, and strong. I want to see myself when I look in the mirror. I want to be the father to my children that I dreamed of being, and this is the path towards that goal.

I truly feel inspired by my decision, but more importantly the support I have received from this website. It is amazing to think that there is this little network, this little subculture formed through the bleak isolation of pornography. I love that through this impersonal medium of Internet, which has undoubtedly been a crackpipe for most of us, can also connect to us to HUMAN beings around the world.

It is an amazing characteristic that human depravity exists side by side with, and often promotes the growth of, human valor, courage, and comradeship. We are all on our own personal journeys here, but I have no doubt that for me this journey will include the most communal of human experiences.

Thank God for this group. Thank God for giving me love, which I share with a truly beautiful woman. Thank God for my family, who loves me very much. And Thank God for my father, who has given me the best example to follow that a person could ask for.

I want to apologize to the countless people whose images I have exploited for my addiction. The pain that many of you have endured must be great, and I apologize for any role, however incidental, that I played in encouraging anyone's self destructive behavior. I recognize that I have not directly caused any pain, and that each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own choices, but no doubt we all influence each other. For thousands of people, my contact has been extraordinarily intimate, in that I have seen them in their most exposed moments; and yet profoundly impersonal. Their names and souls meant nothing to me at the time, and yet I embraced the soulless exchange. I find it strange that I have rejected the existence of a devilish influence, and yet what could be the most soulful and love inspiring exchange between people can be ultimately corrupted into one of the most soulless. I am sorry for my sins, which I know are forgiven.

I am moving forward. Tonight I will be clean and green; tomorrow I will be happy.

Thank you Lord.

[william1000]

Hi 1st Step.
I'm glad to see you have made the first step.
I like the way you say "Today I WILL be sober".
Thats a very positive affirmation.
I like your apology as well. I share your apology, indirectly all of us here must have adversely affected the lives of people stuck in the industry. Its all very sad but a good reason to stop. Our actions are not without victims. Now is the time to stop.
Its a tough journey but worth it. Its worth it for your wife and kids and for yourself.
I wish you the best of luck and a very happy christmas
Kind Regards
William