jjmikemike's Journal

[jjmikemike]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the board. I've been struggling with a masturbation and porn addiction off and mostly on for the past 15 years or so. I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm starting to feel a lot of regret for wasted years and I'm resolved to finally regain control over this part of my life. I'm very lucky to have a loving girlfriend who supports me in this quest but I feel that having some other accountability is a good idea and will take some of the weight off of her. Anyway, I read the 10 Keys tonight and I'm definitely inspired by several of the great ideas in it. I'm also hopeful that this decision to quit will stick. I plan to post each day that I have internet access. Talk to everyone soon and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this,

- john

Days without masturbation: 8
Days without pornography: 0

[anew]

Welcome to the board and good luck with your recovery - posting here each day you have internet access is a great idea - I'm posting everyday at the moment.

Keep posting and following the ideas you like from 10 steps for long enough and I'm sure you will overcome this.

[tomlincolnsixecho]

great job coming onto the site. Its amazing how many people, particularly those I know who find it totally acceptable viewing porn, going to strip shows etc. I guess I don't know if they have a problem with it like the people on this site, but I think when we desire soemthing more, and we are stuck in the middle with nothing to offer, we get frustrated. Thats how I feel anyway.

Keep it up and make every day count.

[jjmikemike]

Hi everyone, first off thank you very much to those who replied and offered support. That means a lot to me and it also helps me very much to find that there are others who understand what I'm dealing with. Tom, your message really hit home with me and Anew thank you very much for your encouragement.

On to today:

After last night I was resolved not to touch myself while I was in bed, which is one of my big triggers. I resisted the various urges that occured at different points in the night and this morning, and I've decided that touching myself at all should be counted as masturbation since once I get started it only seems to be a matter of time before I act out. Similarly, I've decided that reliving past sexual experiences, or imagining what might have been at various points in my past is quite similar to watching porn and should be avoided.

Anyway, my day was pretty straight forward in that I got a lot of work done and ran a lot of errands. Most importantly I stayed out of trouble. In particular I was careful to recognize when I was lusting after girls that walked by and I tried to cut that off before it went anywhere in my head. I'm not feeling well so I'm going to go to bed early tonight, and I'm going to make sure to remind myself that "I never use porn or masturbate now" if I'm tempted to head down any bad tracks. So far today has been pretty easy, and I set up a filter in firefox to keep me off of any of the troublesome websites that I have been in the habit of visiting. My girlfriend was kind enough to agree to keep the password, so that should help me too.

That's it for today. Thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot to me!

- John

Days without trouble (i.e. porn or masturbation): 1

[jjmikemike]

Okay, today has been harder. I'm learning that I have to be careful where I let my thoughts go when I look at pictures of pretty girls in magazines or in ads on the internet. It's so easy to let my mind wander down a path that leads to me looking at porn. Anyway, other than that I've been careful to observe my no self touching rule and I've made sure to say the mantra ("I never use porn or masturbate now") whenever I feel myself get going on the inside. I think things have been particularly hard today because I'm still getting over my cold and I haven't been doing much other than working.

Okay, well I'm going to go to bed now and hopefully when I wake up I'll feel significantly better. I talked to my brother tonight which was very interesting given that he's a recovering alcoholic. I told him about my current addiction and we talked a little about our experiences.

Thanks again to anyone who reads this,

- J

Days sober: 2

[jjmikemike]

Alright, today went up and down, without any major crises. It was my birthday and I felt pretty empty all day. My parents sent me a gift yesterday that didn't really speak to me, and my girlfriend and I had a few problems too, but whenever things got a little sticky I reminded myself that pain is part of life, while porn is not. That idea is very powerful I think because looking back one of the main times I would use porn was when I was hiding from something unpleasant.

One thing I noticed that was noteworthy was that later in the day after my girlfriend and I patched things up and we were making love was that love making had become more enjoyable. I think that at some subconscious level I have been masturbating inside her in the past and I haven't been fully present mentally when we've made love. I still have some problems with this but I noticed today that I was more in the moment with her than usual and I think it's because of the change in mentality I've made in my life. So yay for sobriety. This is another topic discussed in the ten keys. That book seems to have had a profound effect on me.

Okay, still dealing with this cold. Hopefully it'll be gone tomorrow. Talk soon and thanks to anyone out there reading this,

- John

Days Sober: 3

[jjmikemike]

Okay, got back from a weekend trip today and I've still been keeping up the program. I feel much better in general, and I think that part of it is feeling more empowered now that I've decided to clean things up in my life. I was tempted today on a few occasions to look at porn, especially when I got home from my trip and I had the apartment to myself as well as some free time, but I just reminded myself that I never use porn or masturbate now, and made sure to get busy doing something else. Also, there was something inconvenient that I had to deal with regarding my apartment, and in the past I might have looked at porn just to avoid dealing with it. But I reminded myself that pain, not porn, is part of a normal life and took care of the things I needed to. Man, there is so much wisdom in that book "Ten Keys" and I strongly recommend that anyone who hasn't bought it yet get it and read it. Anyway, thanks for reading this and talk soon,

- John

Days Sober: 5

[jjmikemike]

Okay, today wasn't so bad either. There was some drama with my roommates that tempted me to stick my head in the sand but really now that I'm aware that I used to avoid dealing with problems by using porn I don't really have a strong desire to do that anymore. Some of this new lifestyle is hard because I feel like I have to reign in sex drive all together, and deny myself the pleasure of looking at pretty girls, but on the flip side I have a lot more energy and I'm not walking around with a constant feeling of guilt. Also, I'm taking care of a lot of the loose ends in my life, such as dealing with my car, etc. that I used to not have the time to do. Anyway, I feel that the decision to quit has been super good for me all round and this support board has really helped focus me. Thanks to anyone who reads this and talk soon,

- John

Days Sober: 6

[jjmikemike]

Hello message board, how are you today? I'm pretty good, I had a good day of work and swimming, then had a friend come over for dinner. I'm noticing that the same pain avoidance behavior that leads to me looking at porn also leads to me wasting time on espn.com or whatever other unimportant website I might visit. I think that I'll save a lot of time in my life if I can cut out that behavior all together. I also think it's interesting to see that I used to use porn like a drug to escape things I didn't like in my life. In that way I've come to have a better understanding of what my brother (who is an alcoholic) goes through. All right, that's about it. So far quitting seems to require a minimal amount of effort, but all the time, so that the ball never gets rolling. Talk to everyone soon and thanks again for reading,

- John

Days Sober: 7

[jjmikemike]

Hi everyone, this will have to be quick as I'm in the middle of packing for my move that's coming up. The main thing is that I've decided to apply the principles I've been using to quit pornography to quitting unnecessary surfing of the internet. I've realized that I have a general addiction be spending time on line and it costs me a lot of time and energy in my life. A real eye opener was when I went to get a neck massage today and the masseuse speculated that my neck pain was due to spending too much time on my computer. This seemed odd to me until I realized how much of my free time I spend just wasting time surfing the internet. Let's see, other than that things have been going pretty well. The main thing seems to be to keep busy and keep moving things along in my life. Okay, good night everyone and talk soon,

- John

Days Sober: 8

[jjmikemike]

Quick note, I had a wet dream last night and man was it good. I think that since wet dreams are beyond my conscious control there is no point feeling bad about them or trying to prevent them. Plus one concern I do have about giving up masturbation is that supposedly regular ejaculations are good for my prostate. So I think that if my subconscious decides to have a wet dream I'll take that as a sign that my body needed a release for the sake of my health. A final note about the wet dream is that I've had to be careful this morning not to dwell on the subject matter of the dream. There's a danger that thinking about the dream will lead to fantasizing and we all know where that leads. So: I never use porn or masturbate now.

I'll be out of town tonight so this is my post for today. Thanks again for reading,

- John

Days Sober: 9

[jjmikemike]

Okay, well addiction is turning out to be a trickier opponent than I expected. Last night I definitely had the thought that, "Wow, you're over your porn addiction, now it's safe to go look at some porn." Thank goodness I had read the ten keys or I definitely would have fallen for that lie. As it was I kept myself together and away from porn. There were some tough times today too as I had a fight with my mom and it was very tempting to just go drown myself in porn and forget the fight. Once again ten keys saved me because I now know better than to use porn to avoid my problems. Okay, I better go to sleep before I pass out. Thanks for reading, this journal is really helping me,

- John

Days Sober: 10

[jjmikemike]

Alright, this is not the easiest thing in the world but I'm still trucking along sober. Now that I'm starting to get used to the extra energy that comes with not masturbating I'm getting an additional reason not to do it. It was tough this morning when I didn't feel like getting out of bed and I had nothing in particular calling me to get up, but I managed to keep my hands off my self and my mind off of fantasies. I've gotten so much mileage out of "I never use porn or masturbate now" it's amazing. And redefining porn to include fantasies has really helped. Okay, that's it for today. Thanks for reading and talk soon,

- John

Days Sober: 11

[jjmikemike]

Okay, I'm transferring to the new message board. See everyone over there!