Swisha's Voyage of Recovery

[swisha]

It's the fourth time quitting porn has failed so I figure its about time I actually COMMIT myself to ending my addiction! ;D

Life has been very 'trying' the last few months beyond anything I have ever suffered and I have never been so close to suicide as last night.. having said that I think I'm over the hump (the fact I'm writting proves that) and I am optimistic about life. yaay!

Who Am I

I am ______ _ ________ a k a Swisha and I am 18, in my last year of sixth form, I think that is high school in the states. I live in England and my parents emigrated from a foreign strange place.

I don't want to scare people away with a tumult of bio details because its just so messy and complicated when relating it to masturbation via pornography - the 'output' if you like of my problems.

What have been my problems?

Well, a violent father could be the biggest, but if I blame him too much, then I become an Escapist because MOST of my problems originate from within, of course.

He used to be violent to my mother, my sisters and me and one time the police and social services got involved when we got very scared. We actually phoned the police, I made a written statement because I desperately wanted to push him away out of my mind. I blame him probably for more than is due because my childhood has been such an entire confused MESS.

Mentally my father is such a WEAK man that I can't bare to push him away any longer, becos I know his entire life has been to do the same thing - Work, work, work ('for us' he says)

There is a proverb: It is harder for a rich man to get into heaven than a camel to fit through the eye of the needle, Bible/Koran I think and the family has been crippled because we all lost direction.

My dad just worked and worked and worked and he is a doctor and he made his patients more of a priority than himself because he was so blind to anyone else. His colleagues love him because they don't know how sick he treated us.

SO maybe masturbation was an escape route for this. Lots of pain and no way to express it means a few seconds of stress-free bliss are craved, even if i become more stressed after wards.

ARGHHHHH problems!!!


IT's just such a big (expletive)ty mess all of it, and i want to rip my hair out!


On sunday night I got violent and started ripping my house up, i literally destroyed my door (lol) because I was so frustrated at something that happened last week.

(My dad began living with us one week after the police incident)


-To understand the following, you must bear in mind I think my dad may be mad and my parents originate from a big cess-pit of a nation where a STRICT social hierarchy is God -

My dad was getting exasperated when he was concerned of my sister's 'chastity' there are no curtain in her room cos it is being decorated and he was shouting and swearing becasue he thought 'everyone is looking' while she was sleeping. he cannot say anything outright because if he actually said 'paedos are watching' or something like that than he knows he is crazy. He simply rants about dignity, and shame and decency.

...yes that face you just made, is the one I pulled

I went more crazy than him at this, my language was probs more violent, more offensive becos I am naturally so protective of my sister.

I lost it the next day, I thought I have invested so much in protecting and building up the confidence of my family and he is here to destroy it so I went livid.

The next night I 'attacked my room' in a frenzy put fists and feet through the door and insisted my dad isn't returning that night. He didn't becos he scared, he got a hotel after more swearing on the phone, and the next 3 days were calm, blissful, and there was finally peeeeaaaaacccceeeee. ahhhhhhh

but it couldnt last becos my dad depends on us unbearably. mayb he is psycho but he thinks he must commit suicide if he cannot use us as a crutch or whatever, i don't particularly understand anything..

EVERYTHING is such a mess.

Masturbation is just like some tiny part of all my problems. I mean I don't do drugs or anything despite all the calamities.................

I am deciding to use this diary as an alternative to porn. I can write a new entry every time I feel temptation.


also if you have actually read to the end of this congrats it must be rather unnerving. advice and tips are most welcome. Thank you for reading.....more voyages on the way!!

[swisha]

Day 2: of cleanliness and spirituality.

I am aware of NLP tactics like 'anchoring' and I think these could be useful for people who now consider themselves free.

For us, anchoring can be used to develop good habits in our mind. essentially the things we associate with other things affects the way we relate to them...here is an example that makes more sense.

When I count how mane days of 'no masturbating'. I am setting up a pattern in my mind where days of masturbation are anchored and considered and dwelt about. masturbation being the key..

Instead I should count how many days of 'freedom', which is far more positive and develops a good habit. I am counting how many days I am free, how much of my time is devoted to something positive and uplifting and beneficial.

Masturbation becomes something I associate with dictatorship or something abhorrant. Lack of pornography and masturbation means freedom.


I am pursuing freedom...ahhhh.


FREEDOM. SPIRTUALITY. HOPE ....and all that jazz

Tomorrow will be another day of freedom. I have now anchored a good habit in my mind!

The habit of FREEDOM (saying it a lot makes the connection stronger)

Tomorrow is about FREEDOM- one day at a time. because I believe in freedom.

[swisha]

Here comes day 3: of Confusion

My sister pointed out my ever so slightly manipulative nature towards my parents in order to get a lil' more attention. shucks,

I don't think it is anything to worry about as it has been pointed out.

I must work to maintain the freedom of people around me, and contribute to their emotional needs FREELY, at no cost.

I am also discovering the idea of chastity, it is an interesting idea.

I am also in the process of accepting islam and I understand that it is also considered a virtue under islamic philosophy.

Masturbation is becoming less and less of an issue as I take back my life. Colour floods in as obsession floods out.

I must however address my work habits, they must be made more productive, I think the whether (here in the UK) is REALLY depresing me as I seem to have slowed to a halt in my studies.

How will I do this? I endeavour to start my homework the SECOND I reach home. simple.

Bringing it back to MB. I will pass any tempting image etc. immediately. FREEDOM and POSITIVE THINKING absorb my mind during every minute of the day.

Also I am amazed at the astounded at the similarities between Christianity and Islam. I am concluding all differences are irrelevant.

[swisha]

Day 5: Of...tiredness

My dad taught me to look at the whether in a completely different light. Instead of wishing there was more sunshine and shunning the coldness he instead pointed out how to 'embrace' the night, the darkness. its like a paradigm shift, kinda like MB.

At first I didn't see it as an addiction, it was simply a habit that had increasing control over my life (lol), now it is an oppressive force. I must work to liberate myself of its influence...paradigm shift.

I wonder about masturbation, when a guy/girl is looking at pornography to stimulate themselves, who are they really fantasising over? it cannot be the pornstar who provides no personality and is merely an object. it cannot be any crush they have either, as sex is entirely different from sex produced by the hand, I think fantasy lies in the people no one can ever really attain....yep....your parents...your family.

now think about masturbation- uhh, no need to.

My parents began their conselling so that makes me fell hopeful. I am completely exhanusted and shattered from the workload at the moment tho. No rest for the wicked.

This diary has proved to be an alternative to MB, and I can use it to weane myself off it. Right now I am writing every day, more or less, by day 14 this will switch to every 2 days. after day 28 this can be reduced by every week and so forth.


Interestingly I have never connected masturbation with God or 'sinning' in the tradational sense, in that God has never been a strong enough reason to stop....maybe this will change. I was watching a BBC program on the changing oceans and it scared my lifeless. How close our civilisation is to to extinction! If we go tomorrow, will I be forgiven for MB?

[somedood]

swisha,

You've got a headstart on life if you recognize this early one like you have. I think a lot of us can relate to the problems at home - my mother was physically abusive during the first problaby 12 years of my life. She had emotional problems, and had to get treatment. I had to work through my own problems, and forgive her - but I never got rid of the horrible coping mechanisms I used (Masturbation and Porn).

Again, I empathize with your situation and wish you the best.

I am one to believe that God gives us commandments to protect us and to bring us a fullness of joy. In my mind when I see commandments from God, they are conditional statements such as "If you do X, then the result will be Y". I believe the MB thing is the same, it will just lead to general unhappiness. That is my observation at least.

Welcome, and my prayers are with you.

[sillyrabbit]

Is life so close to extinction?

I certainly hope so... and damnit I will be the first one to push the "destruct" button.

One can hope.

I think you're doing a good job using your journal.
I wish you all the best.

[swisha]

I appreciate your support, thanks for the feedback.

Life is for living and I will focus on the positive from now 'sillyrabbit'. 'Somedood' forgiveness will prove to be the key for me, like it was for you and this is where it starts.

Day 6: of Revelation?

Should I or shoudn't I? the big question. Do I choose to open up about my habits to my family? Yes. However, I think there is a specific way of going about it.I should say:

"I message on a forum to understand how influential pornography is on my life"

With such a statement I am not dwelling on the past, I am focused on the reality, the present. This is how I plan to come clean and extend my FREEDOM.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage, I am Westernist, muslim, liberal and I believe that concepts like marriage PRE-date principles of secularism by about 60,000 years. I believe that if humans took greater care of one another, if we related more to strangers in the way we do to our siblings and parents we could be happier.

Masturbation and pornography arise from the objectification of women, actors we choose to relate to as functions. If we ssee our sister or mother in the same 'positions' we abhore the very idea of pornography.

Humans should be encouraged to promote their sexual freedom within marriage in such a way that the bond between husband and wife can be built and developed.

So instead of masturbation I choose life. Instead of pornography I choose people.

FREEDOM.

[swisha]

Day 8: Of Contingency

Tonight I have a party to attend. I have a night of 'drunken debauchery' ahead so I'm making my post a lil early. I am commited to affirming my FREEDOM regularly. I am commited to working through mistakes.

Today I almost had a slip, which is something I don't do. I hovered over a picture of a celeb waaaay longer than I should have. I think it is ok to appreciate feminine beauty etc. but the path of MB and porn starts with fantasizing over pictures which can be viewed as pornographic from a certain angle. From objectifying a women into categories like 'ass' or 'breasts', 'legs', 'face'. Again I think it is more of an attitude than anything specific and my aim should be to have the strength to view even pornography without de-humanising the actors.

I think if I can look for the humanity and beauty in images then the attraction of MB disappears, floats away. Now this is an IDEAL. maybe its something guys can always strive for, but never quite reach. I am looking to develop good HABITS and a positive ATTITUDE.

This can be done by looking at those images which are beautiful, which inspire me, which motivate me, make me think and are enjoyable in a safe way.

Pictures are wonderful, vidoes are wonderful. Women are wonderful. It's a matter of finding the excellent quality ones. ; )

[swisha]

Day 10: Continuity and Fluidity

Can't chat. Time for bed. Priorities increasingly in order.

must strive harder to aviod temptation, in other words, I MUST UPHOLD PURITY. FREEDOM!!

[swisha]

Day 11: Of Strength

I will persevere and conquer my emotions. I will develop strong and meaningful relationships with everyone I know, in particular the women in my life.

I will display the strength to be free. I will also stop lip service and ascribing to stupid slogans which mean little... ; )

today was hard because my parents were fighting again and I feel like escaping reality. Today was also hard because I am realising how much self-improvement I must go through to improve my best-self to the standard I want it to be at. My work load is currently increasing massively and I will soon be put under strain. But I see this as a challenge, a challenge to commit to life-long fulfillment and the pursuit of true happiness.

Today was easy because I made stronger bonds with men and women. Today was easy because I had planned my day extensively in advance, and I endeavored to stick to my plan. Tomorrow will be easy because I will do the same and I will have.....fun!

Evidently I am now pretty tired, therefore it is time for BED

FREEDOM!

[swisha]

Day 17:

I had a relapse or whatever, and I masturbated!

It happened because I was stressed and I turned to my hand for comfort. Stress is one of the major triggers I need to work out. Now I am getting back to my life. I WILL resist my temptation. I will explore this more detailed when I return from my tutor. Right now I need to prepare for my session so I can maximise my output.

I can control this, I can deny it to have obtuse control over my life. I can choose to master my desires and temptations.