edt929's journal

[jonas612]

929recovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/day-2.html

Last night was the first night of recovery for me. To be honest, it's a little odd; I've tried before to break this addiction, and I've never noticed on Night 1 the urge to run and turn on the PC. As I lay awake, I hear my wife sleeping soundly next to me. Normally the rythym of her breathing soothes me, the consistent sound of inhalation and exhalation breaking the eerie silence of a winter's night. The neighborhood is quiet, considering that I live in a suburb of a Philadelphia, but it's especially quiet tonight. It's as if everyone was outside, waiting with baited breath, to see if the faint glow of the computer screen would appear in the window of my family room.

I tossed and turned, my legs aching with nervousness. My mind began to race with all the things I could try to do to put myself to sleep. I decide a nice cup of tea and an online chat may slow things down a bit. I knew I was taking a risk opening the PC at this point, but the alternative was to turn on the Xbox, which would lead to a good hour of mindless playing before I realized I had failed in my goal of getting to sleep. Thus, while it was risky to open the door into a possible relapse, it was worth it. Plus, it would be a test, to see if I could really commit myself to staying clean, even this early in the process.

So, I snuck out of bed, careful not to wake my bride (as she had an early meeting this morning), and padded out to the kitchen. I started up the tea kettle, walke to the living room, and, with a little fumbling around (my eyes were now adjusted to light, as I had to turn on the kitchen lights), found the laptop and roused it to life.

Fortunately for me, my addiction has little to do with online chatting (though we may breach that topic at a later time). I knew one of my friends was online at this hour, she tends to be due to the nature of her work. Thus, I signed onto AIM and chatted with her while waiting for the water to boil. To be sure, I opened up my support site in another window, so that I could feel accountable should I be tempted. The conversation was not very interesting; we talked about how neither of us could sleep, for the most part. As I drank my tea, I looked over to the support site and started perusing the journals of those that have come before me. It amazed me that there were so many others who struggled just as I have. It was calming, almost inspiring, to see that there are people out there, specificially those who can hack the site-blockers as I can, that have struggled and succeeded against this disease.

I feel confident that maybe this time, I can kick this addiction, with the help of my new found support-aid. We'll see where the coming days will lead. I'm shooting right now for 7 days clean. That's goal number 1.

[jonas612]

929recovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/day-3.html

So, some of you may notice that this says Day 3.

AND its 3 days after my last post.

Well, that's because I relapsed.

I don't exactly know why I did. It wasn't like I was bored, that I didnt have other things to do. I was sitting waiting for the wife to come home, and it just sort of happened. The computer wasn't even on. It just really really sucked, no ways about it.

BUT.

It's now been three days. It's a start.

I told the W on saturday. We were on our way home from my brother-in-law's house. I can't even explain how supportive she is. She told me it would be alright and that we'd figure it out, and that we'd beat this together. She thought that me posting on the support site would be helpful and would be a good idea, as well as the accountability-ware. I'll probably sign up tomorrow for it. Even after all the (expletive) I've put her through, she's still with me, and I with her. She's truly a gift I'll never take for granted.

Taking things day by day.

[breakingfree]

Edit,

When I saw your journal with the links I remembered seeing the post asking if you could blog and then post the links to the journal.

Let me make a recommendation. Journal here or in you blog and then copy and past instead of linking.

Journals are open and read by many members coming from many different places and you will find that you will get some excellent feedback in your journal as well as taking an interest in reading and posting in others.

I am afraid most people won't have or take the time to hit the links and it makes it much more difficult to give feedback. I did take the time and you do have a lot to say. IMO, you should make it easier for other members to read and share.

I am in my third month of recovery after 15 years of out of control addiction. I have found journaling to be an important tool in my recovery tool box. I journal EVERY day whether I am feeling good or bad. It gives me some continuity,accountability, plus I can see trends and patterns in my thoughts and behaviors.

This is a lonely addiction. IMO, any resources that are available that make it easier to share, to hear and be heard are extremely valuable.





bf

[jonas612]

thanks bf - I'll do that from now on. I edited the other ones to add the old ones in.

[jonas612]

929recovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/day-1.html

Day 1

I shot myself in the foot last night.

I could blame it on a lot of things; I had a few drinks, I had a stressful day, it could be a number of different things. However, the result is the same, no matter what.

I slipped again.

I was faltering, trying to resist, and somehow, in my mind, it was a good idea to go in to my other PC and delete all the P off of it. That would be a good way to get your mind off it, right?

Wrong.

Immediately, it was a trigger. Soon enough, I was rifling through the 40-someodd clips that I had, and an hour later, I was in the same place I was four days prior, feeling empty, wasted.

I decided to turn it into a semi positive to make sure that the P I look at would trigger the accountability software on my other PC. I know, it sounds like a complete lie, but it's true. See, the P I look at is kind of tame, and doesnt always fit the mold of typical stuff. However, sure enough, it looks like it flagged it, so I'm pretty jazzed about that. I need to pop it on the first PC now to make sure I dont get tempted on that one again.

So, its back to day 1. Again. 7 Days seems like a dream right now. Its hard to fathom that I cant make it a week without stumbling. I knew that this was not going to be a walk in the park, but I didnt think I'd be fighting against the urge THIS much.

Today should be an easy evening, as we'll be out the majority of the night. As will friday. We will have to see how it goes tomorrow.

Hopefully, I can be on here next Wednesday and have good news. If not, I'll keep on trucking. Failure is not an option anymore. Not that I can't, because my wife supports me unabashedly. I WILL not fail. I WILL beat this. No matter what.

[breakingfree]

I decided to turn it into a semi positive to make sure that the P I look at would trigger the accountability software on my other PC.

Been there, done that.

I know, it sounds like a complete lie, but it's true

Ed, THAT IS A LIE.

Follow the logic, I will test the software to see if it works. It doesn't work, I slipped, but its not my fault the software (expletive)ed up.

The software works-well how do I know it really works if I don' keep testing it (until it breaks). And when it breaks (which it HAS to eventually. OOPS! I slipped, NOt my fault, the software (expletive)ed up. This is a classic addict set up

Stay strong, forget the friggin software.

bf

[jonas612]

I see the logic, though I guess I didnt intend on it being that way.

I'm not going to get too far into it (I know this is a journal forum, not a discussion), but I sincerely was worried that it wouldnt pick up on the stuff I look at, which, to be honest, can be seen by other people as pretty mundane.

But youre right, i should forget the software. I guess now I'm on edge. I expected by visiting here daily that I would be able to beat this without slipping. Now, two slips in one week. I'm disheartened, and I'm doubting my will. I shouldnt, but right now, I am. I need to not doubt, I know. But saying and soing are two different things as I'm sure you well know.

[anew]

Any form of software - filtering, accountability only works if you work with it, not against it. Kick yourself off if you find yourself looking for a way around the filter, or on middle circle sites that the filter let's by. Also - if you know a way around the software, add that as another blocked site/url keyword to strengthen the software.

All the software is able to do is to slow you down - you've got to respect that and work with it - it's a fantastic tool for continuing sobriety, as it prevents momentary, rather than prolonged lapses in judgement.

Be strong, get back on the horse and don't try and *find* ways to slip, there are enough out there without adding to them.

[jonas612]

929recovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/day-3_14.html

Ok, so I'm back for the 3rd time at Day 3. The weekend is coming up, and thats where I've traditionally had slippage. So this weekend, this is it. No P. Period. Not a single bit. I've got my system set up to go to the support board, got my games set up, got my gym bag. I'm planning on wrapping gifts and maybe getting in the attic and fixing the cable in the back rooms.

I've been reading the boards and seeing all of the posts of people and feel incredibly lucky to have what I have in terms of relationships. I was feeling pretty down last night, after reading a number of journals where someone's SO was at their wits end, leaving them, hating them for what they do, etc, I was worried my wife felt the same. She assured me she didnt, that she doesnt want it to continue, but that we've been through so much worse and that we'd get through this. I'm truly blessed for the support that I get, and it makes me that much more want to nip this before it gets any worse.

I'll be on over the weekend, and will post more tonight. Its a pretty hard day today. explain later.

[davion2308]

I know what you mean, saying the weekend's coming up. My triggers are being alone in the house and bored. My wife works afternoon/night on Saturday and morning/day on Sunday. I'll be over here, cheering for you, while we both abstain from p together, okay?

It's tough, but I have a loving, supportive wife too. We can't lose these women who stand with us.

[jonas612]

Sounds like a plan dav -

I'm trying to be pretty regular on here on the weekends when I'm not out of the house, so that the urge can be quieted. This is a make or break weekend for me; if I get through this, 7 days will be right in my crosshairs. Thats the first goal.

[breakingfree]

Edit,

Use the Weekenders Circle. If your PC is on, stayed logged in. Cant gurantee there will always be somebody online but we are out there and will get back to you, That's the whole idea of the Weekenders Circle.

Stay busy, stay strong

bf