ZenZX's journal (insert clever title here)

[zenzx]

I just broke on Day 5. Just now. I suppose it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was Ma-ing while fighting the temptation to look at P- (I was litteraly on the computer opening and closing the browser, typing in urls and then hitting back) but I hit...well, you know...before I finally sucumbed to look at the thing. Is that a small victory, even though I did end up Ma-ing? Or just an example of the mess I have become? Should I be angry at myself? Glad that I didn't look at any P-? Listen to me talk. I speak about masturbation and P-. I can't believe what I have been reduced to. Why is the crap created? Why the hell can't I stop myself? I almost finished DAY FIVE. Dammit. Lately I can only get to about five or six days before loosing it.

I have read on the board that it is suggested to keep a journal. I'm still a little confused on the whole concept of it. But after what just happened to me only minutes ago, I figured it was time to give this a shot.

I have a personal journal here at home for my life, you know, school, girlfriends, work, friends, that stuff. I have never mentioned my P- addiction. The one time I hinted at it, two days later I went and crossed out the entire page. I guess I will use this journal to talk about my problems since I can't seem to be able to address them in my regular journal.

Tommorow is day one. Another clean slate. Calm down. Deep breaths.

(Sorry about the little bit of profanity before)

EDIT : Please feel free to post.

[zenzx]

I just slipped again. I was hanging out with my brother, well i was on the computer and he was playing video games. But then he finished and left the room. Bleh. I have things planned out but its hard to have people follow your plans when you don't and can't tell them. Okay. I'm going to leave for work soon. I think when I get home I am just going to avoid the computer like the plague tonight since I don't have any homework that requires me to use it.

[zenzx]

Crap tastic. I guess I haven't updated in a little bit. I was off again on again for a few days and then I went about three and a half days off until just about five minutes ago when I broke. I was on the computer screwing around (what was I thinking?!), and suddenly the temptation came up and I completely folded. There was a brief moment when I was like "I gotta get out of here, fast", but I ignored it and look at the P- anyways.

Tommorow is a new day. Keep it together man.

[zenzx]

Well I cracked on day three, and yet again, working on homework with noone around and when the temptation came up I completely folded. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my own actions. Like feeling like body is acting of it's own accord and my mind is off asleep somewhere else. I don't even know if any of that makes any sense at all. Bah.

Tommorow is a new day.

[zenzx]

Well I haven't looked at any P- and I haven't MA-'d since that last post. I feel so great right now. Its such an empowering feeling.

I can put this to a couple different things, the first is that I just got a new girlfriend. We have been best friends for nearly two years, and she has been the most important person to me for the majority of that. Whenever the temptation comes back I remember her voice and it reminds me of what I have to live for in life.

The other is an overwhelming desire to change. I hate feeling chained to my disease, even when I have been sober. The majority of my thoughts lately are sexual in nature, whether I am at school, work, or just hanging out with friends. It drives me crazy. I just feel so weird...all the time. I just want to feel normal again. Or at least as close to normal as I can be.

[zenzx]

Day 17. Feelin pretty good about that.

Unfortuantely the temptation and desire has been very strong today. I have been on the computer working on homework for the majority of the day, but fortunately there has always been someone in the room so I have been OK. But I gotta get away from the computer right now, I just wanted to check in. Bye.

[zenzx]

What is this...day 19? I dunno. All I know is I couldn't make it to 20.

I don't know what happened, but the last few days have been so freakin hard. Today was awful. I struggled to resist the urge to jump on the computer. Then my mom came down to grab some lunch. So I thought I could use this time while she was in the room to work on some homework on the computer. But she ate faster than I anticipated. I...I tried resisting, but....I looked....

Bah I can't explain how I feel right now. I just submitted a request to be admitted into one of the forum recovery circle groups, hopefully I'll get in.

Things I need to do:
-Join a forum recovery circle
-Come clean to my bishop about my relapse
-Find a addicts meeting in my area

Those last two scare the crap out of me.

[zenzx]

Still no response on that accountablitty group. I guess if I don't get a message from the guy this week then I will give another group a shot next week.

I just broke after almost making it five days. It was only for maybe...twenty seconds...? But I feel the weight just as much as if I had binged for a half an hour.

I also posted this in the LDS recovery thread, but I have made a goal to speak with my bishop this week, and fess up that I am not recovered and that I have slipped plenty since last summer (when I came clean).

I'm so scared. But I know it's right. Both for my mortal and eternal salvation. For my future wife and kids. For me.

[zenzx]

Life has had some rough ups and downs for me. Today I broke again. Also I was sick today so I didn't go to church and didn't speak with my bishop. This week for sure.

I know I sound like someone who is putting stuff off. Heck...maybe I am someone who does that.

Am I? Gosh I don't want to be. I don't like where this train of thought is taking me.

Keep it together man. Tomorrow is a new day.

[zenzx]

couldn't even make it a full three days. crap.

i kinda feel like a failure right now. okay...i really feel like a failure.


----------later that night-------------

tonight was a loss of control night. I made that post what, a couple hours ago? it seems that once i break once I seem to loose all defenses. i have broken twice again since this post was first posted.

NOW i feel like a failure.

[pac2544]

Don't sweat it , man. I have been and am where you find yourself. My slips come less often since I have been coming to this forum. BUt that doesn't mean I feel any better when I slip less often. It is hard work to beat this addiction. Don't give up. I know that sounds cliche but if you want to get over it then you can't give up! I have be going to a therapist and to group meetings. It is helping me. I t is taking a long time to get to the point of not wanting to look at porn at all, but some day I will be there (I hope).
PAC2544

[ingodwetrust]

i recommend www.recoverynation.com
You can't just wait for days to go by, you need to change your way of thinking and decide WHY and how badly you really want to quit PA.

[zenzx]

pac2544 - It doesn't sound cliche at all, thank you for the words of comfort. It really helps to hear positive reinforcement, at least for me. I think thats how this site has benefited me most.

ingodwetrust - First off, nice user name . Thanks for the words and the link!

------------

Tonight I broke briefly. It was one o clock and I just started playing WoW again heh. Anyways, I logged out of WoW to go to bed, but then the temptation came...and you know what happened next.

But I feel...I feel okay. I wrote a blog and then came to the board and just started reading. It helps so much. I appreciate the comments on the journal from those who struggle like me. It makes me feel more important, to know that others are out there. They struggle like me, and they even read my journal regarding my struggles.

I have an appointment to speak to my Bishop this Sunday. (I know bishops are in various positions in other churches. in the lds church they are the head of the local congregation). I am scared to tell him that since I told him about my P- addiction last summer, I have had lots of slips. It's scary. I feel embarrassed, rotten, and the truth is I have been a liar. A liar.

I have to fix this though. No matter what.