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Post by mrbister on Nov 15, 2007 6:57:24 GMT -5
Hi there AMIF, greatly appreciate the support. Also appreciate the kind words. Yes, I am definitely serious about it. Like you said, that's what it takes and I am very aware of that. Your support will help me keep it up I am sure. Many thanks.
Well, this is the 22nd day. So 3 weeks in and going strong.
Yesterday there were times that I felt very tired and in those moments I found that some thoughts came to my mind which were undesirable. I tried to get rid of them, and consciously I felt that I did, yet there were moments that I could feel the physical sensations without the conscious thinking. I am glad to say I quickly managed to put a stop to that, but it was certainly strange. Perhaps it's because I haven't had any sexual relief for a while and the built-up chemical desire meant that even after the undesirable thoughts went my body still retained the feelings because it liked them. Still, as I said it didn't take long to get past them. I think that happened perhaps twice in the day. Still, I it didn't get to me, I just got on with the usual business of overcoming it.
I don't think yesterday was a very difficult day, it was only a couple of those incidences that I experienced. The rest of the day went smoothly. So whilst the tiredness brought on a couple of moments of trouble, by and large I got through the tiredness very well considering it is a trigger for me.
Well, enough about that. I'm going to post here something which I actually wrote on sandpaper's journal in response to jis most recent post. I want to put it here too because I really felt it was interesting and held a lot of meaning for me. It might have been a response to what he said, but it was my own reflection about the matter and largely involved me. So, in quotation marks I will add the very long post I made on his journal to my post here:
" No problem.
Great post about the psychology of control here. I'm pretty sure I have the same problem. Although having realised it to an extent I have certainly lessened its severity. IT used to be far worse. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say it can cause problems with other people - especially those close to you. You want to control what they think, this can cause ridiculously trivial arguments.
Misrepresenting your beliefs, or anything else about yourself, is a big issue too isn't it? I suppose this kind of behaviour can be caused from the need to control, but it could also be caused by the desire to be liked (feeling strongly that you are an object in the lives of others and need to fulfil their opinions of you). Anyway, perhaps the second is a subconscious derivative of the first, perhaps not. The point is, trying to control what others think (about you, or as an extension of this about what you believe) and not succeeding can lead one to feel self-conscious. (Or, in a sense, vulnerable. As you said, it is supposed to make things more secure for yourself.)
In truth however, it seems that doing this is the opposite of what we should be doing. We need to relax and feel secure about ourselves. We need to stop the need to control what's around us. We feel naturally vulnerable, but what we need to do is accept this state as a fact of existence. Become accepting of it. Instead of trying to combat it we must face it, learn from it. Realise that it is a part of ourselves that we are vulnerable and that this is ok, it is not something we must escape.
Recently I have started looking into Buddhist philosophy. I have heard this topic dealt with, or at least heard something that addresses this matter as part of a bigger picture. It is a buddhist belief that we must accept suffering. We should not try to fight it. So seemingly we must accept that we are sometimes vulnerable, and not fully in control. We only suffer with it because we believe it is something that should be corrected when in truth it is not. You and I both have suffered with the pressure of trying to control what is around us. However, I realised that I was happiest when I relinquished this intense need to control. I have not been able to do this all the time, but I have managed some of the time. My realisation of this occurred before I heard this buddhist belief. So when I did hear it said as a buddhist principle I realised just exactly how much sense it really made. It was more clearly expressed and explained than I had had time to realise for myself. But it put everything into context for me. Similarly, reading your latest post had this sort of effect - I only realised exactly what it was about me, this issue of control, after seeing what you and your therapist had discovered. I had a vague notion of it beforehand, but never a full understanding. This problem is perfectly met by the buddhist solution so far as I can see. It's funny how most solutions are so obvious and simple, yet so often are incredibly hard to apply.
Also, doesn't it seem interesting that the things we find most interesting going on around us are those things over which we don't have control, that simply go on as themselves? The kind of beauty that we see in a flock of seagulls whirling around has a strangely deep meaningfulness to it. Perhaps it is that we see the world simply getting on in the way it was meant to - not thinking too much, but feeling a great deal. Perhaps more than just feeling too, rather existing. It doesn't mean that thinking is wrong, but thinking in certain ways leads us erroneously to have anxieties, concerns and problems that we shouldn't. It seems to alter our individual connection with the world, and mess it all up.
Taoists put it well when they say that there are times when we should not think too much. If we concentrate too hard on something it can become troublesome, perhaps even impossible. They have an analogy which uses a millipede. The millipede focusses incredibly hard on moving it's many legs to walk, but it simply can't get it to work. However, as soon as it sees some food, and it's mind is taken off the specific process of walking, it simply walks over to it, not stopping to think about the activity of walking in the process yet carrying it out perfectly. Sometimes if we think about things too much they become troublesome, we must simply get on with the business of doing the things in order to proceed.
I'm not saying here that we should never spend time thinking, nor am I saying that thinking is a negative activity. But there are certainly truths in these things don't you think? We must take from them what we can. "
It's thought provoking stuff I think. So I wanted to put it here as it's something relating to me. I could just as easily have ended up making a post on the exact same issue here anyway.
Well, hope you're all staying strong. And thanks again to AMIF.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 17, 2007 23:54:58 GMT -5
My first visit to your journal; glad to hear you're doing well in your recovery. Take care.
SP
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Post by choselife on Nov 18, 2007 8:46:19 GMT -5
I just encountered your name in the meditation circle that I started, which led me to reading your journal. You are brilliant and insightful. You are an amazing writer (great visual imagery, I suppose which can also serve you in the wrong way; love what you wrote about the seagulls). I know that you are not fishing for compliments, but it simply astounds me that you are only 21 years old. Presuming that you continue on the path that you are on (which I expect will be the case), your gf is very lucky to have you in her life. Reading your posts was a breath of fresh air in my life, as opposed to the stank of P and other such things. I look forward to following your journal, and also your posts in the meditation circle thread. Feel free to stop by my journal any time. Its interesting how escape from the myriad of events and emotions I so frequently am running away from can come in such diverse polar-opposite forms. This is exemplified by reading and absorbing posts like yours versus my logging out of this support board right now, clicking on one of my favorite free P links and wasting away minutes that will lead to hours attempting to get off. Thanks for all that you share about yourself in your journal.
CL
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Post by mrbister on Nov 19, 2007 7:40:51 GMT -5
Thanks SP. And thank you CL for your incredibly kind comments, I hope my journal and circle posts can aid in some way in your own recovery. I will certainly be visiting your journal.
Well, I have been away for the weekend so, being busy, I have had very little time for thoughts of P to come to mind. However, once again in studying the concept of desire I found my mind attempting to wander where it shouldn't.
I did almost encounter a problem at the weekend however.
I went to visit a friend for his birthday. I stayed at his house with his motley crew of male housemates. The near-disastrous situation that occurred was thus: The morning after the party my friend was extremely hung over (I don't like seeing people I care about in such a state but I can't make their decisions for them). In his still drunken / hung-over state, at around lunch when we were all sat in the living room, he suggested putting on a DVD that was a kind of joke-purchase in their house. Needless to say the DVD in question was a P-film. Now, the only two people who I know face-to-face that I have told about my addiction are this guy, and another friend who travelled with me to this party.
Luckily when he suggested putting the DVD on his other housemates weren't present and only my two friends who already knew about my addiction were. (Actually at that moment I was ready to state publicly that I couldn't watch it and justify / explain my problem to strangers, which felt good as I've never felt that way before). Anyway, I think he'd almost forgotten I ever told him. So when he suggested it I said "no, don't put it on". He answered "oh, come on". We exchanged like this for a few moments, then I said "I can't watch it". He replied "Why not?" and I stated "You know why".
It was a pretty near-miss although he accepted it when I said that, although I was simultaneously walking out of the room so I guess that made my point that much stronger.
Having avoided this near-miss I was glad. But he said to me "oh, I thought that wasn't a problem any more" (or words to that effect. Now, I've always respected this friend, who has for a long time been one of my closest and most trusted friends, for his wisdom and understanding. So when he said this, I was actually pretty shocked. I had to say to him that it was an ongoing thing, not something that you just get over completely, and that I'm on a forum that deals with it.
Now, I don't know what to make of this, but I'm pretty sure he isn't so naive that he doesn't know the real meaning of addiction. He's studying medicine for goodness sake. Addiction is a part of that. So I assume he didn't really take the problem I once revealed to him as a serious case of addiction. I guess that highlights how the problem is viewed. I really talked him through what I was going through and eperiencing at the time, and yet it seemed as though all that meant relatively little. I felt somewhat hurt by the fact that someone I'd confided in, and more significantly, turned to in a time of need, had really taken the matter rather trivially. And I already know that the other friend doesn't really take it seriously either from other experiences.
Well, perhaps this highlights the problem of society's lack of understanding of it. Furthermore, perhaps it highlights the way P is taken as something rather trivial and light-hearted itself by a majority. On it's own this is ok, although it's debabtable. However, the thing is that it's something not only accepted, but now ingrained. The friend who wanted to put the DVD on once refused to view P of any type (for religious reasons that he's since lost), and it seemed incredibly ironic that someone coming from a background adamantly against the viewing of P would now take other peoples' choice to do so in such a trivial manner, irrespective of what reason they have. It doesn't matter that he no longer restrains from viewing it, he should retain some understanding of those who do not wish to do so. Especially, I would have thought, someone whom he knows has a problem with addiction
Well, he has changed a great deal, and we all do. Obviously I have too. Most evidently from a helpless addict to a recovering addict in this context.
It hurts a little that this change in him has lead to a trivialised understanding of my problem. And of the problem we all suffer. I won't let it get to me though. I have bigger fish to fry.
I'm still going strong with my sobriety. I hope that all of you are too.
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Post by ferdberfil on Nov 19, 2007 9:16:01 GMT -5
Hey mrbister-
Hope you don't mind my comment, but I just read your last entry (I will catch up with the rest of your journal later), and I'm impressed by how you dealt with your roommate and the DVD situation. I had to give up a friendship because of pornified attitudes (I had a friend who frequented prostitutes and did cocaine). Your DVD situation sounds like one of those pivotal moments in one's recovery.
Nice work.
-FB
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Post by simon84 on Nov 19, 2007 9:21:05 GMT -5
I told my closest friend for many years about my problem, he too didn't really get it.
I think thats why this forum is so useful, the shared experience of how this affects people. The guy even sent me a link to some P he thought was funny a few weeks ago. Which is slightly missing the point.
Well done for holding strong though, I'm at university and I dread this kind of a situation coming up.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 19, 2007 12:31:07 GMT -5
Simon,
One of the friends I mentioned has several times in the past tried to show me some "funny" P. Clearly it can be difficult trying to get them to understand. As you said, that's one of the reasons why this forum is so useful. A large body of people who all intimately understand the problem.
Thanks for your support. I'm sure that you could probably find a way out of the situation at uni, even if you merely objected on "moral" grounds rather than those of addiction. But perhaps those people at uni could actually come to appreciate you more for being strong enough to admit to them you have a problem, and see that you go on being the same old you they always knew even in the light of the problem. I suppose their is also a risk however, that they could use it as some sort of potential prank subject if they weren't truly understanding. I too am at uni. I can sympathise with your concerns. Best of luck in your recovery. Thank you for your support.
Ferdberfil,
sorry to hear how a friendship of yours had to come to an end over something that, if the other were to think about it, really is quite trivial. Does P really mean more to them than friendship? Well,what can we do. Perhaps once this adiction is more publicly accepted things will become better.
It does seem paradoxical that P is so acceptable in society today and yet if someone suffers as we do there is some sort of stigma of unacceptability about it. Further, while P is taken seriously, the addiction to it is not. Very odd.
Anyway ferdberfil, thank you for your words of support. Comments are always welcome on my journal. If anyone ever feels like saying something here then please do not hesitate.
Thanks again to you both, your support is greatly appreciated.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 21, 2007 17:51:02 GMT -5
Well, I only have time for a quick update. I've been so busy these last few days I've barely had time to post. Hopefully I can make a decent post on here again soon.
Today is 4 weeks exactly since I started my final sobriety, still going strong. It's the first four weeks of the rest of my life.
Anyway, I have to go to bed. I'm so tired, and tiredness can be a trigger. Although that's not what I'm really worried about, because I feel strong enough that I could easily stop the urge in its tracks if tiredness were to trigger me. The real reason? Well, I'm just exhausted. Been so busy, and been sleeping badly. Time to start catching up on all that sleep. I guess that means so far the recovery's going really well.
I'm definitely feeling less grouchy, more with-it, and noticing certain things more. I guess the cloud is lifting, and the cloud of craving from going cold-turkey hasn't come back in force yet to start blocking my perceptions in daily life again. If it does I'll willingly battle through, but for now I want to enjoy this slightly increased peace, and loss of the feeling that I need to turn to P at times such as when I'm stressed.
I'm pretty pleased. Hope to make a proper post soon though.
All the best to everyone out there with their struggle.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 22, 2007 1:52:52 GMT -5
Hi Mr. B.,
Just wanted to drop a note and say that, from what I've read so far in your journal, you've got a great perspective in this process. This is especially impressive given your age.
Your handling of the situation with your friend and the P-movie was quite admirable. It is indeed very difficult for those who don't struggle with this problem to take it seriously. And, I agree with your astute observation about the irony of this in light of P's popularity in society. I think part of what makes the P problem more difficult for people to grasp is that many associate P with something we "need": sex. That is, we all have sex drives that need to be satisfied and P is just a means to that end.
Following this line of thinking, people would distinguish a problem with P from addictions to things for which we have no apparent need, such as chemical substances. While I believe this premise is faulty, one can see how others would reach this conclusion and thus view a "P addiction" as something akin to an addiction to food -- an excessive indulgence of something we need anyway. People have less sympathy for such issues, because it appears the problem is not the use of addictive agent itself but simply the degree to which it is used.
I think that things are changing. It seems people are becoming more aware of the potential seriousness of P as an addiction and that its underpinnings often run much deeper than simply a drive to satisfy our natural sexual urges. In the meantime, approaching the situation as you have -- being honest with yourself and your friends about P's role in your life, regardless of whether it may or may not be a problem for someone else -- will not only make the best of the situation as it currently stands but also will hasten the much-needed change in thought about P.
Take care, and congratulations on your strong work to date.
Sandpaper
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Post by mrbister on Nov 22, 2007 8:59:16 GMT -5
It looks loke I have some time, and I've got a few things to say, as well as answering to you sandpaper. Thanks for your interesting post, I'll talk about that further in.
First I want to say: today is the closest I have come to slipping since the start - I didn't slip and know that I won't slip, but coming close wasn't a nice feeling. My mind was getting carried away and I wasn't ridding / losing thoughts from my mind very quickly. I've been getting powerful thoughts and feelings this morning that I haven't had for some time and I will simply have to ride them out, making more concerted efforts to prevent my mind from entertaining P thoughts in any way at all.
I believe the trigger for this was a particularly vivid and memorable dream that I had last night - when I woke this morn at first I didn't remember the dream. Then I began recalling dreams that I had when I realised that I'd had some interesting ones, and them all of a sudden I remembered this particular dream. It wasn't a dream about P, not like the dreams I have had, and I know that others have also had, that usually come soon after quitting when the idea of P use and the images are still clear in the mind and come back in your dreams. No, this dream was sexual, and interestingly I rarely get dreams of that type, or at least I rarely remember them. So it was particularly annoying that I remembered it and it served as a trigger.
Well, I didn't actually slip, but I was so close. Anyway, having been thinking about this since it happened something struck me. Perhaps it's already struck many others before me, perhaps it's not a particularly interesting idea, but it's certainly never occurred to me before in such a clear way.
What I suddenly came to think was that when we are in the throes of addiction, when we are in the process of using, we are purely "in" the moment. Living only in that moment. Our minds close off any thoughts of the future, any thoughts of the past, and cease to think at all (except about P, although it seems less thinking and more instinctive - the drive to seek more rather than a conscious decision to do so). I think this is why once we begin to slip it is so hard to climb back out before using. As we slip our mind cuts itself off from thoughts, from future or past. We are incapable of making the links to the full impact of our activity - we can neither reflect on how it has affected us in the past, nor predict as to its effects on us in the future. We can't stay focussed on the pain it has caused us previously such that we would like to avoid it at all costs now, and we can't think to ourselves how much damage and how much more struggling and suffering it will cause us in the future.
Is this a mechanism that the addict-self uses to get its fix, or is it a side-effect of allowing the urges to take hold when we get them? It seems like this effect usually comes after we begin getting urges, after we already start to slip. But perhaps it is a simultaneous effect, one that begins as soon as we start to entertain a thought. The longer we entertain it for, the more engrossed in it we become. The more engrossed we are, the more our brain is cutting itself off from past and future, isolating itself purely in the moment, gaining solely its fix without allowing conscious thought about the repercussions.
It seems that there may be a danger in living too much in the moment. Living in the moment can stop us from recollecting things from the past, or becoming to full of desire for something in the future. Living in the moment can certainly free us and bring many benefits to us. But perhaps this is a cautionary tale of how living in the moment too much can be bad, at least for addicts. Either we must think not to live purely in the moment, or perhaps a better solution is to look for an alternate means of avoiding the problem that can come from living in the moment with regards to P. I suppose that many of us are already doing that, especially those who use meditation techniques to control thought behaviour. We prevent ourselves from entertaining thoughts of an inappropriate or unwanted nature. Others also do something similar - repressing thoughts as soon as they come. From the outside the two approaches may look the same but there are almost certainly differences.
Well, it seems to me that one of the key problems and dangers associated with recovery in addiction is this - allowing oneself to slip into the moment too far when the mind is focussed on P. In fact, likely allowing oneself to begin slipping at all, as it seems that once started the brain is increasingly cut off and less capable of seeing and recalling the reasons why one should not be using P. At that moment we slip back into using it, there no longer exist reasons not to use it as we are existing purely in the moment. We must not let ourselves to come to exist purely in the moment where P is concerned.
There are certainly those of us who do not find the effect so strong. Furthermore, there are definitely also times when we feel consciously aware when we are using that we should not be, and we feel helpless. Perhaps this is simply a weak memory that we hold onto in the moment, not strong enough to stop us from using at that time as it seems remote - we are too engrossed in the moment, feeling too removed from our normal sense of existence. Past, present and future all at once. Perhaps this is something else, I'm not sure yet. But I certainly think that we slip "into the moment" and become completely consumed by it. What the full effect of this is I do not really know yet, and perhaps I never will. I may also never understand exactly how it can effect us in different ways. Such as that just mentioned - how can we feel consciously as though we are doing something wrong if we are only in that very moment? Still, it's food for thought.
Sandpaper, on to you: firstly, thank you so much for your kind words.
You make an interesting point and I agree. Substance abusers are seen differently to those with addictions like ours. We seem to be seen more as gluttons - we have insatiable greed, taking our needs far to excess. It seems more of a perversion than a genuine problem to many for this reason perhaps. Of course, perversion is increasingly being interpreted as something people need help with, and not a disgraceful facet of their nature. Now that the world is becoming so hardened to P perhaps this will be the case. Where once it may have been seen as perversion without cure, mere voluntary behaviour, it could become viewed as a problem akin to other addictions.
I hope you are right that things are chnging. I feel that they are too, but it would be nice if thy changed quicker! No, I can wait. But the sooner it is recognised fully as the problem that it is, the sooner we can get to healing people who face this problem. So many good things will come of its understanding and acknowledgement by the community at large.
Thank you very much for your insightful and important post. It is a matter that cannot be ignored and needs to be more publicly understood.
Thank you again for your kind words.
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Post by chainbreak on Nov 22, 2007 14:28:51 GMT -5
Hi Mrbister, I've just been reading through your words and finding inspiration. I've only joined the support board today and it's incredibly comforting to realise that all the feelings of shame etc that I thought were mine alone are shared by so many other people. Today is my 2nd day without P - not much I know- but an achievement in itself. I hope that with the support of fellow posters and by reading others' journeys that I'll be able to escape this addiction. Strength to you all.
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Post by choselife on Nov 22, 2007 15:25:52 GMT -5
MrBister, I don't see P being in the moment unless in that moment we are actually using P. For example, let's say that I am driving my car from one client to another. All that is truly in the moment is driving. If I live in the moment, I will be focusing on exactly what I am doing, being aware of drivers in front of me, on both sides, behind me, feeling my fut on the gas pedal, feeling my foot switch to the brake, feeling my back against the back of the seat, etc. If my mind then wanders (as minds tend to do) to P, I have just left the moment. Thats not so bad, as long as I recognize it within a second or two, acknowledge it and dismiss it. So, it is always good to be in the moment, just a whole bunch more difficult to do so when I start to entertain those P thoughts.
CL
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Post by mrbister on Nov 22, 2007 17:04:01 GMT -5
I see what you mean, but I think there may be a difference. The kind of "in the moment" you are talking about still retains a sense of awareness, both of your surroundings, and of the past and the future. This is just normal daily life. Of course, we function in the moment. It would be dangerous to drive if your mind were busy elsewhere!
However, the "in the moment" I talk about in this case is more a complete absorption that cuts one off from awareness of time and from their surroundings. The mind is essentially blank and purely on autopilot in its state of being driven to find P. There is no end in sight to this drive, it could last indefinitely. There is no aim, no point at which one can say "I am done", no fulfilment to be had. The simple overwhelming and insatiable desire is all that seems to exist. At that time, we are purely "in the moment". Whereas what you describe leaves the moment as something instrumental, or something that one behaves with a conscious aim in, the type I describe is the opposite. Being purely wrapped within and subject to the moment: no future, no past, just obsessional behaviour without mental discourse guiding it.
Sorry, I don't have time now, but I will elaborate further tomorrow if necessary.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 23, 2007 0:28:27 GMT -5
Hi Mr. B.,
First, good work in staving off those urges; we all know how difficult that can be.
Second, your discussion about being "in the moment" in the context of P is very interesting. While I understand your point, I must agree with CL that being in the moment is always the right place to be, even (indeed, especially) in the PA context.
Your premise assumes that the P-related thoughts and obsessions one encounters during a wave of urges to act out constitute "being in the moment"; that is, that those thoughts can and do define the experience one is having at the time they occur. But, in my mind at least, thoughts -- regardless of their content -- are not "being." This is especially apparent with respect to P-related thoughts, which are almost always solely constructs of the mind, completely divorced from the things going on around you at the time they arise. The thoughts that triggered your most recent urges are a perfect example of this: they had nothing to do with what was going on in your physical environment at the time they arose. They were simply products of your mind, with no connection to the real world.
Living "in the moment" means just that: experiencing the world for what it is -- nothing more and nothing less. What goes on in the mind is not reality, and never can be. People, places, and events have no meaning in and of themselves; as Shakespeare said, things are only "good" or "bad" because we think it so. The mind is, of course, a powerful tool. But its action -- thinking -- as seductive as it may be, is not synonymous with "being." Indeed, the central purpose of meditation and contemplative practice is to turn off the mind, to stop thinking; for it is only then that we can live "in the moment" and experience life for what it is.
I believe viewing the situation in this context addresses your concern about allowing P thoughts to run amok in one's mind: if one is truly living "in the moment," such thoughts will not occur in the first place. And, remembering this also provides the solution for how to react when, as will often happen, we are unsuccessful in staying in the moment and allow such thoughts to enter our mind: we must clear the mind and get back to the real world.
Again, a very interesting discussion. I do not profess to be "right" or even more accurate in my analysis. These are my opinions and, like you characterized your points, are thus simply "food for thought."
Take care.
SP
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Post by mrbister on Nov 24, 2007 8:39:04 GMT -5
Firstly, I'd like to address the concerns of CL and sandpaper.
I definitely see where you're coming from, and being in the moment is certainly the right place to be sandpaper. Of course that is in the context of what you mean by "in the moment". However, I believe complications of understanding, and consequently disagreement, has arisen from the concept of "in the moment" that you bring to what I wrote with you. Both of you, in reading my message, may have attached your own understanding of what is meant by the phrase "in the moment". It is a common phrase with a generally accepted meaning. Perhaps I was at fault in using it, or perhaps I was not clear enough in the way I described my use of it. However, I think that what I said in my message is different from how you understood it.
What I think is that the understanding of the phrase "in the moment" which you both bring to this implies that yes, indeed, you are present in the moment and fully aware of it. But simultaneously you are aware of the immediate past and future, and also possibly more remote past and future. I think the normal understanding of being "in the moment" entails this. For example: I am to go bungie jumping. I am "in the moment" as I am about to jump, anticipating the impending drop through the air and the excitement it will bring. Then, I am "in the moment" while falling through the air, taking in the sensory overload of feelings derived from my rapidly descending through the air and my blurred vision etc, aware that I am falling, but also that a few moments previously I was falling, and that in a few moments more time I will still be falling, and further onward I will cease to be falling, firstly ascending through the air and eventually coming to a stop. I am aware, certainly subconsciously, and also most likely consciously, of the time just ahead and just behind me. Perhaps I am also aware of more remote times than that. This doesn't stop me from being in the moment.
Likewise, as a rally driver: if I wasn't able to project slightly into the future and past as I was driving I would find it difficult to make appropriate corrections for the road ahead. It is essential that a rally driver is able to do this, his life depends upon it. But I think we would find it hard to doubt that we call his current state as being "in the moment".
I think the difference with our P use, particularly in the case of a binge, is that we are solely "in the moment" when "in the moment" is taken in a literal sense. The moment being the very instance of time one is in, not any time ahead or behind even to a slight degree. (Although, perhaps there is an extremely slight degree, but it is far smaller than the normal idea of "in the moment". I am not really sure about this though, and for now will continue along the idea that there is No comprehension of future or past.)
So when I say we are "in the moment" I mean by that that we are completely removed from the future, and also from the past. We are currently existing, in a mental sense, purely in that very instance. We are constantly giving ourselves the hit the addict-self wants, without a final end or aim in sight. It wants wants wants, without end. So we give, without end. We become detached from future and past, solely existing in the present. We are unable, in this detachment, to make any rational judgements since they rely upon our ability to consider the previous problems and effects P has had on us, and also our ability to predict how the problems will continue to affect us in the future.
When in a state where the future and past are cut off, we will simply act for the moment without consideration. To live in this way would be to act without morality, since morality is based on consideration of one's actions as right or wrong. Thereby I think you can see there is a distinction by what I meant when I said "in the moment", and what you understood "in the moment" to be. I do not mean to put words in your mouths, or to make you seem foolish. That is simply not the case. It is perfectly reasonable for you to assume I meant "in the moment" in the commonly accepted sense of the phrase. As I said perhaps I did not clarify my intention in the use of these words enough initially. Also, I hope that my generalisation about the usual meaning of "in the moment" proves acceptable. I appreciate it may not be perfect. However, without pondering for too long I think it works acceptably well for me to explain my point.
I hope this may clarify. I agree that being in the moment is the place that you should be. Living in the past often has disastrous consequences (dwelling too much etc), and placing all one's hopes and exertion in the future means missing so much out of what is occurring now. This on its own is significant enough without mentioning the ramifications for an SA. So I agree on this point, but would like to say that my original point was different. Hopefully it us now understandable. Thank you for reading this lengthy debate!
On a shorter note: the last few days have certainly been the hardest for me so far. I have had strong urges at times. I have successfully held out, but it has not been pleasant. It has now been around a month so I think this is quite often a crucial time. In the past I know that roughly the 30 day mark has seen me slip. It won't happen this time, but I suppose it's a clear indication of the fact that there is something inherently difficult about this stage for me.
Oh well, at most it shall prove a challenge. I know that I will not be beaten by it though. There is no doubt in my mind.
Perhaps I will have more to say on my addiction soon. Until then.
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