|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 6, 2007 17:31:57 GMT -5
The Tuesday workday is coming to a close. I have had a more of vegetative day today, but at least I got on the phones a bit.
Sobriety, one day at a time,
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 7, 2007 11:23:20 GMT -5
Interesting day yesterday. The feeling to slip was strong, but I am happy to say I prayed about it and kept my web excursions away from P. I do see how some non-P rating sights do serve as a trigger, so I see the need to stay away from them.
My gut says this next action was stupid, but y'all let me know what you think. I know that a certain model has left P due to finding Jesus. I looked at her MySpace page and read her blogs about difficulties she has experienced since leaving P. After reading those things, I felt compelled to e-mail her with some commendation and encouragement. I even told her that I am struggling from the other side.
Was this a dumb move?
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 9, 2007 20:31:15 GMT -5
Hurray, I can now say I have come here to post rather that give in to web wanderlust. I have remained P/MB free since my last post, and things are getting better with my W.
I am off to Minnesota for training tomorrow, and I will be there until Thursday. The agenda shows the days to be full, and I am supposed to be sharing a room with someone - I didn't feel like shelling out an extra $200 for a room to myself. I just want to keep my beast at bay during this trip - I want to keep it clear to him that I never use P or MB now.
My W and I have not had any intimacy for several months now, and since we have been in Texas, the frequency has been very low. Lack of privacy, pregnancy, and a newborn will do that, but as I have previously posted, other issues are in play. I hope this isn't my addict talking, but I need to have that closeness with her again. I mean that in a holistic way - it is not about the act but about expressing love to each other. At least she mentioned the possibility for when I return.
Irony: the filter on my laptop will not allow this site through, but you can find P through it. Go figure. In any event, I am hopeful that I will report back that I stayed sober while away.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 19, 2007 10:57:40 GMT -5
Argh, the web server here goes down and I lost my post!
I am happy to say that I have returned from business travel with my sobriety in tact. The roommate situation worked out well, despite him having a drunken sickness night the final night that kept both of us up. Another good thing from the trip: I finished Ten Keys on the flight there. That book has been so amazing for me in helping me to feel understood and to give me hope. I will always be susceptible to this, but that is okay - I may be susceptible but I can be sober.
Alas, the guilt of my last slip has lingered, maybe due to me feeling like I need to confess to my elders, maybe due to my W's statement about it affecting our sex life. I have tried to move on, tried to reinforce my mindset that no amount of worry or stress can change the past. At least today I am feeling a little better.
Many things are on my mind right now, and the end result of all of this is my stomach went south over the weekend. I have tended to carry my stress in my innards in the past, and that is where the current stresses have gone. Add to my guilt money worries, work worries, housing worries, parenting worries, etc., and you get one little stressed out monkey in me. I gotta think too that my tummy was not helped by the many beers consumed during my trip and the strange Minnesotan food I consumed. That broccoli soup in St. Paul in particular did not sit well.
I was able to talk about all this with my W on Saturday, and she was helpful in being moderately sympathetic - her family upbringing was short on sympathy, big on practical help - and she reinforced the ideas of not worrying about what cannot be changed or addressed at that moment. She was patient too with my going to bed at 8:30pm on Saturday night and 9pm last night.
So, here I am back on the board after nearly 10 days. I am jazzed up to put into practice was I learned, and I am eager to do better with time management at work. Also of note is that my work now has a web filter. I believe they put in place to keep people off of You Tube, but it is there none the less. Not that I ever looked at P here, but it is good to know it is there now.
Upcoming, like everyone else (hopefully), Thanksgiving weekend awaits, and I took Monday off as well. I look forward to further reconnection with my W and boys and further rest after a very busy three weeks.
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Nov 19, 2007 11:19:21 GMT -5
E,
My view is that it is important to remember the past, but not to dwell on the past. You slipped. Yes you did. What matters is if you let that hold you back. Get up. Dust yourself off and move forward. THAT is what matters. As Mary Pickford said, “'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”
MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 19, 2007 11:56:36 GMT -5
Hi Ouch:
Funny, I have that view as well, but for some reason it got pushed aside this time around.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 20, 2007 10:20:20 GMT -5
Tuesday dawns on the Gulf Coast. Thanks to MrOuch for the good reminders. I was able to do some scriptural research last night about P and MB, and I was truly hearted by reading scriptures that show God's understanding, compassion, and magnanimous forgiveness. As a result, my critical inner voice is barely whispering now and my resolve to work hard to be clean in strengthened.
Funny, when I get the vilifying voice down, I can appreciate the progress I have made. When I started my recovery, I could barely make it days, maybe a week, without slipping. Before my slip, I had gone 7 months without looking at P. So, yeah, I didn't quit cold-turkey, but I am gradually improving.
That said, I know I will always be susceptible to this, so I need to keep goals in mind, such as, no P or MB until the new year. I need to keep my clarity in place and the Green Man locked away; I not allow him to wash away the reasons for sobriety and the consequences of slipping. I need to remember I never use P or MB now.
Moving forward, one day at a time.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 27, 2007 14:12:05 GMT -5
How nice it was to have five days away from work after three weeks that had two separate five day trips of travel. I had a good weekend spending time with my family and I got a much better idea of what my W deals with being home with a two year old and an infant.
I am continuing sober - no web at home and constant company ensure that. Sorry if this is triggering, but intimacy returned to our marriage over the weekend. Again, for me this was not about gaining pleasure; rather, it was and is about another way of expressing love. In that sense, with how busy our lives are, it was important for that aspect of our marriage to be revived.
Today I am in a bit of a post vacation haze, though it couldn't have helped that I stayed up late watching Top Gear. I need to clear out the post-lunch digestion cob webs and get to work.
I continue, one day at a time.
|
|
raisinbran
Junior Member
"Enjoying sobriety like sugar-covered raisins"
Posts: 66
|
Post by raisinbran on Dec 1, 2007 18:11:56 GMT -5
I thank Jehovah that you have the courage to talk openly about yourself.
Please PM me back when you get the chance.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Dec 3, 2007 10:20:59 GMT -5
Greets, 'brain:
I don't know how courageous I am, but I am so happy to have this forum and that we can all share our struggles here. Truly, this helps us to really see we are not alone.
I read your PMs, and I have responded to you.
I am relieved/happy to write here with my sobriety in tact. The month of November was clean, and I am hopefully that December will pass in the same way. I had a good weekend with my family - we enjoyed our usual spiritual activities and were able to hang out with other friends with kids over the weekend.
However, I remain ever susceptible - the Green Man's lair of shadows may be shrinking, but me thinks he will always have some spot of darkness in my imperfect mind. I must always remember that I am susceptible. I must continue in my efforts to view the ladies around me with respect, not lust. I must continually be aware of the Green Man's tactics, and I must beat him back because I never use P or MB now.
Fortunately, I have the resources of the Almighty God, Jehovah, his organization, my W, and this place to help me do all this. I must avail myself of the help these provide.
This is a big job, to be sure, but I can have success. One day at a time is all it takes.
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Dec 3, 2007 19:15:03 GMT -5
Well done EJ!! Stay vigilant and strong and you'll make December no problemo!!
MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Dec 4, 2007 16:16:51 GMT -5
Well done EJ!! Stay vigilant and strong and you'll make December no problemo!! MrOuch Thanks so much, MrOuch. I means a lot In line with what I put in our accountability circle, I am feeling good feelings, because I prayed and came here instead of dabbing into the outskirts of the acting out mud puddle. Yep, we need to stay every vigilant. Working on this day - will work on tomorrow tomorrow.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Dec 5, 2007 18:02:46 GMT -5
Tomorrow has become today, and so far so good.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Dec 10, 2007 9:53:47 GMT -5
I dislike Mondays, but at least my current Monday haze is due to editing photos of my kids at a late hour and not what it used to often be. I am happy that my sobriety remains up to today.
The weekend was a decent one - got some things done, did some socializing, took, part in the usual spiritual spiritual activities. Had some minor aggravations with the W, but we talked about it last night and got it resolved. I guess the only drama right now is the minute to minute drama only a two year old can produce.
That said, the Green Man is swift to bring in his drama, so I must stay frosty. For now, I will take a P/MB free Monday.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Dec 12, 2007 18:20:04 GMT -5
Here I am at Wednesday, and I must confess to feeling a bit tempted, more to MB than to P. I have prayed and I come here to fight that urge.
I have remained sober, and these feelings today once again show that I must be ever sensitive to the Green Man's activities. He lays in wait constantly, and I must keep my eyes on him lest he slip out and wreck havoc as only he can.
Taking one day at a time, and remembering: I never use P or MB now.
|
|