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Post by unbreakable on Sept 14, 2006 8:19:10 GMT -5
Thanks Gordoni,
you're right it is self hatred, I look at my second post from the night I slipped and I want to delete it, I want to cry. I can't always believe that I fall into that total spiteful hatred of myself so easily.
Someone I care a lot about said something to me once. I was telling her about being bullied as a child and she told me that nothing, not even the worst thing any of those horrible little kids had said to me back then was anywhere near as bad as the way i treat myself now.
That's really sad actually, I don't know why I hate myself, but I have since I was very young.
You know I've tried your suggestions about self affirmation, but I can't do it. I rarely look at mirrors, I find too much to dislike so I try not to. I only have one mirror in my flat and I very rarely use it.
I do try to write and congratulate myself, but it's very difficult, I deflect all compliments and take praise very badly. The flipside is that I find it very easy to beat myself up over things, blame myself for things I really have no control over and think about myself in the worst way. i try to recognise it, but it often takes over a little more than I can fight (the other night).
Thanks for watching
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Post by struggling on Sept 14, 2006 8:34:23 GMT -5
Hi unbreakable,
I'm the farthest thing from a qualified therapist - I'm just a regular guy who has done a lot of research into my own addiction in order to understand what my own pathological drivers have been.
From my own research into myself - & from my readings, I've discovered that self-hatred/self-abuse is learned. I realize from reading your posts that you're incredibly hard on yourself - please please please recognize that you were not always this hard on yourself.
At some point, at a subconscious level, you learned that being hard on yourself was the norm - that self hatred was the norm.
The silver lining around this extremely dark cloud that is currently enveloping you is that if you managed to learn self-hatred, then w/ a lot of blood, sweat & tears, you can un-learn it. You can change your core belief system to accept that self-hatred is not the norm.
While recommending qualified therapy is not my place/business, it never hurts to talk to a professional.
Also - I posted the following in MJs journal a while back. When I can, I meditate. During my medititations, I give myself positive affirmation. If you have the time, give it a try:
"Re: meditation w/ positive affirmation - suggestions for methodology - here's what I do.
Sit upright in a chair in a dark room, legs slightly apart and hands on your knees. Close your eyes, and start breathing in deep breaths. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Make sure each breath is as deep as it can be - hold as long as you can it, and exhale as long as you can out. With each breath in whisper to yourself (in your mind):
"Breathe in new energy, positivity, self-love, peace, happiness, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, self-belief, confidence, etc."
With each breath out whisper to yourself (in your mind):
"Breathe out negativity, anger, self-doubt, intolerance, frustration, self-hate, lust, s imagery, etc.
Repeat for about 2/3 minutes.
Then begin at the top of your head and start relaxing every single body part. For each body part, whisper to yourself (in your mind):
For example, for my head I'd say "Relax my head" over and over a number of times. I would envision the sun beating down on my head relaxing me - showering me with sunlight.
Then move on to your forehead, eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, fingers, chest, stomach, back, thighs, knees, feet. For each body part, associate a feeling or thought from your life. For example, for my eyes, I'd think to myself:
"relax my eyes - let go of the need to perceive. relax the windows to my mind. let go of the need to see..."
and for my shoulders I'd think:
"relax my shoulders - let the weight I'm carrying crumble away - like ash..."
Anyway - just personalize each one to your own mind.
Cycle through all body parts twice and you should feel very relaxed.
After you've done this, count back from 5 and say to yourself:
On the count of 5, I'm going to go to a place in my mind where I can do anything/be anything/achieve anything. This is my place - this is where I am at peace with myself - where I love myself.
5-4-3-2-1. At this point, try and visualize the most relaxing thing you can - it could be a beach - it could be a field of flowers, etc. Then give yourself positive affirmation once there. Say to yourself:
"Every day in every way, I'm getting better and better. I'm a good person, and I love myself. I can do anything I put my mind to" - and personalize. Repeat as many times as you want.
When you're done, in your mind say to yourself:
"On the count of 5, I'm going to wake up feeling refreshed, and full of energy. 1-2-3-4-5"
That's it - you're done. This whole thing should take you 20-25 minutes..."
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 14, 2006 8:42:17 GMT -5
OK, I think I can try that actually. I have a little room in my house that I've always wanted to be my space that I can turn into a place to do that.
I feel enthusiasm at your suggestion, i dont know why, but it sounds right somehow.
I'm going to set up a space this weekend.
Thank you struggling, I like your advice, plus it always fills me with joy to see a new name on my journal.
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 14, 2006 9:05:24 GMT -5
Wes posted something else which touched me, so I'm copying again, because I think I need to add some personal perspectives that this raised in here too,
I started MBing compulsively at the age of 12, but I was hooked on p* from the age of 8.
Lately, I've been coming to accept the reality that I am brain damaged. I've noticed that my brain has a chemical reaction to any attractive female and it is not right. I'm not sure if it is lust, or fantasy, but it is definitely some sort of desperate desire to be lusted after, and to be validated by these women in some way.
Just the other day, I was walking through a downtown shopping district and a woman smiled at me as we passed in the street. My addicted brain obsessed over that for an entire day with my thought process ranging from the fantasy conversation I imagined us having to evaluating my addictive thinking and reminding myself that I never use porn and masturbate now, and that the obsessive thinking was just "Beast Activity."
I've discovered that this thinking goes waaay back to my youth. I've kept a journal since the 8th grade, and I was reading recently some pages from the 8th and 9th grade. Here I was, this painfully shy, but nice, likable kid, and I was so worried about what people thought about me. And I wanted whoever might read my journal to think that I had all this stuff going for me. That I was cool and smooth.
So there are all these statements in my journal, in the midst of writing about what was going on, that say, "She's really cute," "She's all right, but so and so's really nice looking." Almost every page has some sort of entry like that. I read that now and all I see is an addict being born.
I've wanted my journal to be a source of inspiration to future generations, but now it feels like a book of shame. I know why I thought about girls like that. Part of it is normal as I was going through adoloescence... but I know how much p* and mbing I was doing, and how that shaped my thinking... thinking that I still engage in, to my great sorrow. In the past, I thought, as my children enter that age, I'd let them read my journal, that they'd get a kick out of it... Now, no way. I would be devastated for my daughters to read those objectifying statements made by their own father.
I can't change the past. But my journal has now shamed me and reminded me of how long my head has been messed up with this addiction, and how brain damaged it has made me. So although I'm sober today, I have really been sensing the miles that are still ahead on my road to recovery.
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 14, 2006 9:06:12 GMT -5
I swear that could have been me writing that, it's eerily familiar...
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 14, 2006 10:18:19 GMT -5
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 15, 2006 3:55:03 GMT -5
So I had to write this up while I remember it.
I had the weirdest dream.
In it Eileens father came to confront me about hurting his daughter. He talked to me about PA. Eileen had clearly told all to him, which at first made me very uncomfortable. He talked as if he was speaking from a similar background but he was harsh and unfair, telling me things like I was wallowing in it and I had to pick myself up and get the hell on with it. He was angry with me and accusing me of being a coward and other things. I remember feeling defensive and that he was a hypocrit (some background - I always hated Eileens dad. I've heard things about his behavior when she was a child that frankly sicken me) to lecture me. I guess I was telling myself even in my dream that I was a good person and not to listen to this abuse (I should be proud of that).
He was younger than the man I had met with Eileen in 'waking life', but I knew it was him (as you do in dreams). He started to bully me about why wasn't I trying harder to get Eileen back. And if I loved her as much as I had said I did, I wouldn't have left her on her own as she is now. What was I gonna do about it. I was starting to really feel brow beaten, but I think I was resisting because I knew that I couldn't get back together with Eileen. That it wasn't right for me. I was saved by the bell in the dream. My doorbell. When I answered it it was Clare (my ex, ex - childhood sweetheart). She was dressed to go out. In the dream we were back together. I kissed and hugged her hello and introduced the two of them straight away, conscious that I didn't want secrets or lies in my new relationship (second chance at old relationship).
Eileens dad pointedly, in reference to the kiss I guess, said something like, 'I guess I'll be going then now that I have my answer' and stalked off down the street. Clare said something like, 'Maybe that will give me a chance to have a conversation with my boyfriend about what the (expletive) you were doing here then'. She was kind of mocking angry.
I dont know if there's anything there, but given the PA connection I wanted to get it down before I forgot.
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Post by findingjoy on Sept 15, 2006 12:36:22 GMT -5
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 15, 2006 13:38:44 GMT -5
I did, thanks it's very helpful actually. You were right.
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 15, 2006 15:39:42 GMT -5
So here's a weird one,
I'm having a conversation with someone that I'm finding really difficult.
She's trying to lose weight and she didn't drop any this week and now she's all given up and I'm a cow and I'll be fat all my live, there's no point, etc. etc.
Thing is, I tried, but I can't help her, the conversation remind me far too much of conversations other people had with me after I slipped.
being on the other side of this and seeing how unreasonable it can make you is really upsetting me. I remember this from like two days ago and I'm past it, but I'm not ready to help someone else past it. It's breaking my heart.
I'm trying, but I feel like I might have to cut and run from this one for my own sanity.
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Post by findingjoy on Sept 15, 2006 15:42:51 GMT -5
maybe just temporarily anyway. I go incognito when I'm not in a good place. fj
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 15, 2006 15:57:26 GMT -5
Yeah, the thing is I kinda was in a good place, but she is bringing me down big time.
It may be that being in touch with her at all is a bad thing.
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Post by findingjoy on Sept 15, 2006 16:01:49 GMT -5
meh. For now, sure. But you are a guy (who like me) lives in the all-or-nothing world. Either something is great, or it's terrible and evil.
You don't have to make any decision about her today. Just wind up your convo and move onto something else for now. It's past 10 your time! You've journalled it, so if it keeps repeating, you've got a record of your thoughts today.
fj
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 15, 2006 17:54:47 GMT -5
I'm laughing.
It's so nice.
;D
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Post by unbreakable on Sept 16, 2006 12:14:22 GMT -5
Good, warm, orange sunset burning at the edges of my windowsill. Luck falling in my lap today in such strange small ways, plans of an evening with old friends. Sometimes the world overwhelms me and fills me with such a wonderful sense of who I am and what I have. I woke with the smell of my fresh sheets in my nose and my muscles stretched and strong. My dream had played a soundtrack of 'That's Why They Call it the Blues' by Elton John and it played through my head as I moved around my apartment basking in the midday glow. My cat brushed against my leg faking affection, that I might be convinced that he needed food. Even my apple was crisp and tart, perfectly to my tastes. Sometimes the world just tastes right I guess. On my way to the bus stop (I often find an excuse to ride the bus on Saturdays - to and from town gives me an hour and a half to read in an environment where I'm focused in my attention) a lady neighbour smiled at me and I was able to appreciate a truly friendly gesture without making any more of it. Now, I'm going for a shower, then out for dinner with my friends. I'm happy.
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