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Post by Covad on Aug 15, 2005 19:56:09 GMT -5
Johannes: I'm finally doing it. Thanks buddy.
This inaugural post will be short, but I want to start it anyway. I feel a need for a place to express my feelings about my recovery. I am grateful to Wes for providing such a place.
My mission in life is to become the type of man God wants me to be. Part of this goal implies aligning my vision with God's. I am very religious, but I am also very practical. I believe God has given me most of the tools necessary to become this man, but He also requires me to rely on His grace for that which I lack.
Pornography, masturbation and lust in general lead me away from that ideal man, and thus must be eliminated. I am willing to pay whatever price is necessary to move away from it. I have over the last 10 years compiled strategies that are working. I am a firm believer that eventually (maybe even now) I will put together the right combination of tools that will permanently remove porn and masturbation from my behavior. I have absolute faith in this.
Some of the tools I am using right now:
-Personal Religious Observance (Morning and Nightly prayer, Daily Scripture Study, Church attendance and participation, service work etc.)
-Daily Recovery work (i.e. visiting this website and reading other literature)
-Daily reading of what I call "personal improvement literature" (i.e. Stephen R. Covey, Anthony Robbins etc)
-Daily Exercise
-Open, honest communication with my wife about my recovery
-Neuro Associative Conditioning (a mental tool Tony Robbins developed to reprogram our brains to associate pain with behavior we want to quit and pleasure with behavior we want to increase. It is more complicated than this, but this summary will suffice)
-No filters, blocks, passwords, etc. I am a firm believer that the only REAL form of control that will work in the long run is SELF control. There is not a filter or block or password that will stop me from getting porn if I really want it.
To end, I am grateful for this process. I wish I had never exposed myself to porn, however, the journey I have been on to escape it has been very enlightening. I know more about myself than I ever have; and I am still learning.
Covad Day 36
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Post by facinglife on Aug 16, 2005 12:37:34 GMT -5
Great to see you starting this journal, old friend!
Johannes
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Post by Covad on Aug 18, 2005 23:48:15 GMT -5
What are my “points of entry?” A point of entry is a phrase I made up to describe my gateways to pornography. This is non-pornographic material or situations that put my feet on the path to eventually viewing pornography.
Some points of entry:
Model sites Swimsuit sites Lingerie sites Magazine ads Magazine covers Celebrity sites Computer skins and themes Provocative television shows and commercials Provocative movies Newspaper ads Sexually oriented audio books Anime (to a small degree) Magazine racks Magazine stores Liquor stores (magazines) Convenience stores (magazines) Video stores Clothing catalogs (especially with lingerie or swimsuit models) Swimsuit editions of magazines Girls Gone Wild TV infomercials Fitness/Exercise infomercials
I will add more as I think of them. Now, how do I stay out of these points of entry? How do I snap out of them if I ever find myself viewing one of them?
Covad Day 39
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Post by Covad on Aug 18, 2005 23:57:34 GMT -5
Questions and answers regarding my beliefs about my use of pornography:
Why haven't I yet successfully quit?
I have tried and failed so often that a sense of hopelessness can paralyze me. The effort necessary can be tiring. I have been afraid to try again for fear of failure, thus driving my self-worth down even farther.
What pain have I linked to trying to quit?
Failing again. The vigilance and discipline required is exhausting. Another failure will increase my hopelessness and decrease my faith in my ability to ever stop. I have actually felt pain before at the thought that I will never again be able to see a nude image of a beautiful woman. Its like someone taking away a favorite toy from a child.
What perceived pleasure do I gain from allowing myself to view it?
There is certainly an immediate, intense sexual pleasure. The longer it is viewed, the longer the feeling stays. I get to continue looking at and lusting after those beautiful women. I like to see those images of nude women. It makes me feel aroused.
What will it cost me if I do not quit looking at pornographic images?
I could cost me my family. It will damage my self-esteem and self-confidence. I will continue to procrastinate things that should not be procrastinated. It could result in an escalation of the seriousness of my acting out. It will continue to degrade the way I view women. It could result in a negative impact on my children, especially if they were to stumble upon pictures I may have on my computer, or if they were to walk in on me acting out. There would certainly be an impact simply by virtue of me not spending time with them, being short with them etc. Continuing to use pornography will create a divide emotionally, socially, mentally and spiritually between myself and my wife. My relationship with her is the most important on this earth and I stand to lose her if I continue using pornography. It will certainly impair my relationship with God.
What pleasure will I gain if I successfully and permanently stop using pornography?
My self confidence will explode. I will believe I can accomplish anything. My self-esteem will return to a healthy state. I will feel good about myself, stand a little taller and with confidence in the presence of anyone. I will be more apt to serve and love. I will be more attentive to my family. I will feel clean. Other areas of my life will be dealt with appropriately. I will be more proactive, inventive, courageous and entrepreneurial. I will view women in a healthy way. I will become a man of action. I will become the man God wants me to be. I will be free to become the man I have dreamed I can become. I will be free to reach higher and stretch myself toward my hopes and dreams.
I know I can add to these, but this is a good place to start.
Covad Day 39
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Post by Covad on Aug 19, 2005 0:13:46 GMT -5
Disempowering Beliefs about myself:
If I find myself in a position to change my career, I will choose security over risk. Other guys don't like to hang around me. If people really got to know me, they wouldn't like me. My success as a person is dependent on how financially successful I am. My success as a person is dependent on my performances. My effectiveness always ebbs and flows; I will never be consistent. My worth depends on what others think of me. I won't be successful if I start a business on my own - I don't have good ideas. I will be stuck with pornography my whole life; I'll never escape. I will never reach my potential. I will always be mediocre; my dreams will not be realized. My worth is based on what other people think of my performances. I am inferior to others. Taking risks in not worth the failure that could result. I don't do well mingling with others at social events.
Empowering Beliefs about myself
If I don't give up, I will eventually conquer my addiction to pornography. I am good with finances. I have a good heart. I am a son of God. My family loves me. My wife is awesome. I am intelligent. I am detail oriented. I can be better than I am. I can program my mind to hate pornography. With the grace of God, I can accomplish all my righteous goals. I am on the path, right now, to forever ridding myself of pornography; it is happening. My worth and self-esteem comes from God and from within. My performances do not define me. Others' opinions do not define me. I have an innate worth and healthy self-esteem and that attracts people to me.
I will add to these also; later. It is interesting to note that I have some disempowering beliefs that are exactly opposite of some of my empowing beliefs, i.e. perfomances. It is like they are competing for supremacy in my own head.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Aug 19, 2005 0:34:59 GMT -5
Sexual feelings.
They are natural, and I am glad I have them. My goal is to redirect them in a healthy way. Often, in the past, and when under the influence of my addiction, I have associated sexual feelings with the desire to look at erotic pictures or video. What if I make it a practice that whenever I feel sexual feelings I immediately begin mentally focusing on my wife? This focus will be healthy and clean. It will include exploring the depth of my love for her. It will include thoughts of our friendship and closeness. It may venture into thoughts of making love with her as well, but that will be limited to very healthy, intimate and loving images.
I hesitate posting this because it is very personal and I don't want it to sound sappy. However, what is important is the association. Sexual feelings are normal and good. They should not be supressed or shunned. The key is direction. Where do I direct them? How do I use them? Pornography has proven to be a very distructive outlet for my sexual feelings. Suppressing them or ignoring them seems unhealthy as well. To me the logical expression of my sexual feelings should be focused on my partner.
Sex = love not lust. That is the distinction I am trying to make. That is the focus I am trying to change.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Aug 19, 2005 1:31:40 GMT -5
How, in the past, have I handled painful feelings generated by procrastination?
Avoidance and suppression is how I have handled it in the past. At least that is my learned tendency. Certainly I have handled it successfully in the past as well, but by and large I believe I am more apt to want to shove the feeling and thought out of my head.
First the thought flashes in my head of something I believe is important to accomplish but have not done yet. Then immediately I feel a very real, physiological/emotional pain that is rather uncomfortable. That pain must arise from some deep-seated belief that not accomplishing this task has violated some standard of performance I have set for myself. This violation negatively affects how I view myself and how I perceive that others view me. Almost immediately, I begin my methods of avoidance. I usually try to suppress the thought hoping the feeling will quickly dissipate. If the thought and feeling has become too strong to ignore, I will act on it. Sometimes I will act positively by taking actions to accomplish the task. Sometimes I will act destructively by trying to escape. That escape can come in many forms including watching TV, surfing the internet and of course acting out with pornography. The latter is the most powerful avoidance mechanism; and the most destructive. It also, by its insidious nature, ratchets up the emotional pain, which leads to further avoidance through acting out; the retched cycle begins.
How, in the future, will I handle painful feelings generated by procrastination?
I will always have actions that I deem important to accomplish that have yet to be done. That is human nature. There is always something else that needs doing, thus there will always be feelings of procrastination until the task is complete. So, I will not be able to control that side of the equation. What, then, can I control? How I react to the painful emotion. When I recognize this pain for what it is, I will stop what I am doing and analyze the crap out of it. Why am I feeling this way? What is its purpose? What can I learn from it? What can I do to healthily alleviate the painful, nagging feeling? The answer may be to simply do the task; but if that is not doable immediately, I can get out my planner and set a time by which I will accomplish it. At least then I will know I have made a plan. It will be dealt with.
The analysis is the key. Understanding a thing decreases our fear of it. If I understand what and why I am feeling, I will not fear it and thus want to suppress it or avoid it. I can deal with it. I can minimize it; make it not so scary. I will, at the same time, be communicating to myself, that I am not violating my standards of performance by not doing the task now, because I have a plan to accomplish it. Essentially I will be giving myself permission to take care of it later.
This whole exercise does something very important; it interrupts my pattern of behavior. It short circuits how I have dealt with the pain of procrastination in the past. By interrupting it, I gain back control over how I react to the pain. I deal with it, instead of avoiding it.
Covad
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Post by choselife on Aug 19, 2005 3:24:32 GMT -5
Thanks for putting your thoughts out there. Gives me some additional incentive to get back to reading Robbins and doing the exercises.
Its pretty funny, but is honest, that I am procrastinating on reading the book.
CL
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Post by Covad on Aug 25, 2005 3:09:55 GMT -5
I feel the stirrings of complacency and I do not like it. Being on vacation and spending an inordinate amount of time around women with barely any clothing on (at the beach) has brought me to realize just how far I have to go in recovery. Objectification, to me, seems to be as much a part of the problem as viewing porn. I need to wrap my mind around this problem.
The question arises, when stimuli is brought into our presence i.e. at the beach, on a billboard, at the movies, in junk mail etc., does the objectification have the same roots as does actively searching out and viewing porn?
Porn use for me is about avoidance of pain. I use (used) it to escape from dealing with problems. However, when I objectify a woman in public am I escaping? On the surface, it does not appear so. I am simply reacting to stimuli in an unhealthy way.
Perhaps objectifying is the aftermath of what porn has done to my brain. And yet, continued objectification will certainly lead me back to porn, like a tentacle that reaches out to reel me back in.
So what is it? Does the objectification subside over time, like the desire to view porn does? Or does it have to be actively rooted out?
Covad
P.S. Choselife: Thanks for the encouragement. To me, that book has become crucial. Continued success!
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Post by Covad on Aug 28, 2005 0:52:35 GMT -5
In answer to my musings about objectification, I have decided that as a result of years of porn use, my mind has changed. I veiw women differently than I once did. I think this may be one of the most pernicious consequences of porn. Reducing other people, in my own mind, to sexual objects is degrading to them and to myself.
How to change this? This is what really matters. I believe that no longer viewing porn will go along way to beginning to reverse this damage. Additionally, I believe I can reprogram my mind through discipline. Being aware of the objectification alone will help me modify my behavior. That coupled with commitment will affect the change I am looking for.
I have faith. I believe that I am overcoming this addiction. Consistent, daily recovery work will, in the end, result in a life free of pornography and its evil effects.
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Post by abel on Aug 28, 2005 17:02:43 GMT -5
Covad, interesting thoughts about objectification. I wonder if objectification ever goes away. I certainly hope it does. One thing is for sure though: the longer we remain sober, the easier it becomes for us to choose non-objectification. For me this alone is enough motivation to struggle with the addiction. I want my right to choose. Right now I am at a point where it takes a conscious effort to look away. Sometimes I have to run away. Yet I can feel that looking away is becoming easier to do and running away happens less and less. So, this gives me a lot of hope.
Abel
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Post by Covad on Aug 29, 2005 0:24:40 GMT -5
Today marks 7 weeks free of pornography and masturbation. It feels good. I have been here before, but this time feels more hopeful. Tools are the key. I think I have more tools in my belt this time around. Using those tools on a consistent basis keeps me focused.
Many of the tools I have garnered came from reading posts by others on this board. For that I am grateful. I have come to believe that sobriety and recovery comes only to those who are willing to pay the price of admission. This includes a rock-solid commitment, consistent seeking of knowledge, changing what needs changing, and being honest with ourselves and others.
I am committed. I have the tools and I intend to use them to refine my strategies.
Abel: I share your hope that objectification goes away. It sickens me at times when I realize what I am thinking about. And it startles me just how automatic it is. I do believe though, that you are right, the longer we remain sober, the easier it will get. Our focus will change, and with it, our thoughts.
Thanks Covad
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Post by Covad on Sept 1, 2005 21:20:40 GMT -5
If I stay as far away from porn as I can, I will continue to enjoy the personal power and drive to succeed that I feel now. It is wonderfully intoxicating. I will not give that up. I know that the instant I act out, I will surrender that momentum.
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Post by Covad on Sept 1, 2005 22:43:43 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
There is always a way, if I am committed.
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Post by Covad on Sept 2, 2005 10:12:13 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
If I focus with enough intensity, I can achieve any goal.
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