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Post by johnjohn18 on Mar 12, 2005 13:15:00 GMT -5
hey all,
i would just like to start my post of the day by thanking 1975 for creating this page. it's a big convinence now...if i don't post in my journal, i don't have to search through 10+ pages to find it and it's also freeing up the General Board a lot too. Thanks again!
I just got back from my trip from Kansas City(4-H conference). It was really pretty cool, a big focus of the conference was different culture and ethnicity. It was interesting and I learend a lot. I also got a taste of the predjuice and discrimination so many people face just because they have a different culture. It's really sad how many people from other cultures forget or disregard their own culture once they move here in America. Most of the blame is on America though, and I'm really just sick of people who think all people that have darker skin are Mexicans and from Mexico, and that all people from Mexico are untrustworthy and stupid. It just really angers me!!!!
Besides that the conference was pretty cool, I didn't find myself having many lustful thoughts or elevator eyes. I think going with a clear mind and also a girlfriend helped me out quite a bit. I met some new people and also had a taste of waht I was once like. Some guys there, think their 'hot-stuff' always trying to pick up girls, get phone numbers, email addresses, and always saying "I'm so hot, she totally digs me". I remember those old days...thankfully that's not me anymore.
Peace and Love,
John
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Post by johnjohn18 on Mar 12, 2005 22:01:31 GMT -5
Hey,
I slipped. There...I said it, I've addressed, and I've got it out my system. Now what???
Lately, I don't know what now. I can't seem to forgive myself or God for whatever has happened in these past few weeks, I'm feeling very down right now. I'm at a abrupt stop with my recovery. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, or what to do. Any suggestions???
Right now, I'm angry, depressed, sad, isolated, and every other bad feeling you can possess is inside me. Nothing seems to be going right, especially with my recovery. Everything feels like a waste of time, anything I do. Things just aren't going my way. But what am I going to do...am I going to keep posting and cry and whine more and more....or should I just get off and do something else? I think I'll get off and do something else, but life sucks right now.
-John
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Post by Alec on Mar 12, 2005 23:56:46 GMT -5
Dear Johnjohn18
My Brother !!! Life never sucks !!! The f...ing Evil wants You to believe it !!!! Evil wants You to give up, to stop fighting !!!
And God, and ALL OF US, YOUR FAMILY - we want You to recover !!! I know You can do it !!! Be positive !!! Slip is just a slip, You've lost one battle, but soner or later Evil will lose ALL WAR !!!
NO !!!! Because of one battle You had lost Life didn't stop !!! You came to Your Family, YOU ARE HERE !!!
You look at other people success and You tell Yourself - "I will FIGHT again, again, and again. Until the day I will be free !!!!" There is no Victory without FIGHT !!!
My Brother !!! Read my story !!! I WAS A FREAK !!!!! I was a piece of sh...t, and sometimes I just wanted to kill myself. I was so lost, so lonely, that You can't believe !!! And NOW... I am not a loser anymore, I am a Fighter !!! I fight against this sh...t and help others to do this. If I can do it, You can do it, too !!!
I pray for You and I ALWAYS next to You, to support You until the day I'll die !!!!!
God Bless You,
Alec
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Post by johnjohn18 on Mar 13, 2005 15:53:22 GMT -5
Hey Alec,
Thanks for your very strong support. It means a lot to see so much compassion come out of you, and helps me realize that everyone is here to support one another. I am going to keep fighting, but today I'm pretty tired and extremely apathetic. Today I feel no remorse, sorrow, joy, happiness, I feel nothing. It's just another side effect of acting out.
Today I've also been very lazy, doing nothing except playing video games and doing my jobs after my mom yelled at me up the millionth time. I'm starting to get a little more energetic, I also have a lot of homework to catch up on from missing school last week. I guess it's time to start fighting again and began my recovery again. I always hate saying that...fighting again and beging my recovery again. It always seems like we never stop fighting and our recovery never really stops, it's always going on and on as long as we're still on this board and still trying to fight. The road goes on and on that begins from an open door.
Peace and love
John
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Post by Alec on Mar 13, 2005 20:07:29 GMT -5
Dear JohnJohn:
You are very welcome !!! A Pleasure was Mine !!!
You said: "It always seems like we never stop fighting and our recovery never really stops"
No way !!! Please, quit thinking like that !!! Evil wants You to say - "I'm weak and I will never win" It will stop !!! With God's Help with Help of other Members YOU WILL BE A WINNER !!!!!!!
For some of us soner, or for some of us, later. I KNOW IT and I FEEL IT !!!
Look at the examples at this Forum. Some of the members stopped for 1, 2 even 3 years !!! They can, and it means that WE CAN, TOO !!!
You are 16, My Friend. And I KNOW that when You will be my age - almost 31, You will be proud of Yourself because You did it !!!!!!!
Support You with all my heart and pray for Your Success !!!
God Bless You,
Alec
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Post by johnjohn18 on Mar 13, 2005 21:11:29 GMT -5
Thanks again Alec!
It's always good for someone to put it into perspective for me. I really don't know what my problem is right now, besides something that is holding me back. I'm finding it hard to talk to my parents, I get agrivated a lot, and I'm also constantly very apathetic. Perhaps it's just being 16 and I need to get over myself and focus on BIGGER things. I'm going to ask for forgiveness tonight from God, and hopefully getting God back into my life will help myself get back on the right track. For some strange reason, I feel like God is no longer necessary, althoguh I know how un-true that is.
I'm going to make sure I have a positive week. Rather than immediately telling myself this week is going to suck, I'm going to make sure it doesn't. I'm going to start being a positive guy again and get my sh!t back in order.
Peace,
John
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Post by Alec on Mar 13, 2005 21:19:51 GMT -5
Dear JohnJohn !!!
Wow !!! I love You last message !!! Now, YOU ARE INSPIRING me !!! Ha ha !!!
Unfortunately, I wasn't so serious as You are at age 16 and now I feel very sorry about that !!! I know that You will have a Bright Future !!!
Keep it up, You are doing Great Job !!!
Depression? Relax, take a good rest, and take it easy, watch some good movie or read some, and Tomorrow You will feel better !!! You right, just concentrate on something BIG and... go fot it !!!
Pray for You and proud of You !!!
God Bless,
Alec
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Post by paradox on Mar 14, 2005 11:53:46 GMT -5
John,
Your last few posts give a pretty good description of Depression. This is a very common problem among PA's and, IMHO, it is actually the basis of the problem for many.
You might think about telling your parents about some of these feelings. You don't need to bring up the P issues with them, but letting them know about these other symptoms is important. Depression is a very treatable problem (I can say this both as a physician and as a depression patient). Therapy and medication have made a huge difference in my life.
Think on it.
Peace, my brother.
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