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Post by danc1ngqueen13 on Dec 19, 2007 18:53:23 GMT -5
I know I don't post much...I just kinda want to vent.
It's been over 2 months since I found p on the computer. And still...it's owning me. I would LOVE to be able to say that I trust him enough to know that he's not looking anymore. But the thing is...I wonder if he's just gotten better at hiding it. I wouldn't know. He's lied before (And I've bought it), so who's to say he won't do it again?
2 months. And I'm STILL more obsessed with his p than he is. I'm still waking up, jumping on the scale every morning , and wondering how many more pounds I have to lose for him to find me attractive.
[trigger]I don't know if this is a trigger or not. Better safe than sorry. When we fool around, he puts his face in a pillow. Am I that disgusting to him? He never opens his eyes. And afterwards...it's like I'm empty and lonley.[/trigger]
I'm stuck.
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milla
Full Member
Posts: 170
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Post by milla on Dec 19, 2007 18:57:06 GMT -5
Well, my PA always kept his eyes open.
And I've known other men who definitely weren't PA's who kept them shut or zoned out completely, so to me it isn't related to the porn whether he keeps his eyes open or not.
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Post by zerotolerance on Dec 19, 2007 19:10:33 GMT -5
It's not you whatsoever, this happens to supermodels, beautiful celebs, and all of us. It's not about our weight, nor what we look like, and getting thin won't fix it. It's him. Who knows what he's thinking when he does that. Pornosexuals often need P to view in order to DO it. He probably can't keep it up without closing his eyes and imagining p. But that's not because they are prettier than you are, but rather because he's conditioned himself to solosexuality, or pornosexuality. It's not about you. He's messed up! When they get messed up this way, they blame out, and they play all these IF/ONLY games that mess us up to. He won't quit, IF/ONLY you get thinner, or sexier. It won't matter how attractive you get, if he's conditioned himself to p, then ONLY p will work. That's the nature of the p/mb beast. Instead of trying to get thin, try getting right in your mind about. Only then will you have a chance at keeping the weight off anyway, imo.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 19, 2007 19:22:31 GMT -5
You can do something about your compulsive checking. Only he can do something about trust - he broke it, he needs to fix it or have a partner who doesn't trust him, is leary of him, etc.
What boundaries do you have to keep yourself safe?
LookingUp
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Post by danc1ngqueen13 on Dec 19, 2007 19:37:28 GMT -5
Boundaries? I don't know.
To be completely honest...I haven't really dealt with any of this at all. Any time I feel like I'm going to cry, or feel any sort of emotional pain, I usually just make myself throw up or skip a few meals...
I don't know much about boundaries. I'm so scared I'll just push him away....
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 19, 2007 19:56:42 GMT -5
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Post by zerotolerance on Dec 19, 2007 20:18:12 GMT -5
He can't get any further away than where he's already at imo.
Boundaries can be a hard concept to wrap our heads around at first sometimes. The question is what are you going to do IF, he does this, this, or that? Right now he is running the show, and as a result YOU are falling apart. So you need to establish boundaries in order to take control of YOU back from him and what ever he does. If he's lied before then he is more likely to lie again than not. So what are you going to do when he lies again, or if he is still lying. When we keep doing the same ole thing, we keep getting the same result. He lies, you hurt, then you tolerate, then the cycle repeats, over and over, and over. Until YOU do something different. They like this cycle, (subconciously??), he's not going to stop it. He's not the one hurting because of it, you are. If he is hurting for whatever reason, then he probably numbs that with p/mb. Whereas you are left feeling the entire brunt of it for both of you. And you don't just feel it, for the one incident it is today, you feel in an amount equivalent to each and all the incidences that are stacking up in you, ALL at one time. That's intense stuff. It hurts really bad, we know. If you knew right now that it was never gonna stop would you sign onto stay? When we are in healthy states of mind, ourselves, we don't worry about pushing ppl who bring garbage and pain into our lives away. We push. Why are you so scared you will push him away? What will happen to you if you do? What to do fear? Why do you fear it? What would be a better approach? How can you get rid of it? etc... How can you take control of YOU back from being dependent on what he does or doesn't do. What can you do to protect yourself from his abuse? If you were stronger you wouldn't worry about loosing him. You'd know you can take of yourself no matter what. He's got you abusing yourself. Making yourself throwup and skip meals keeps you sick, it affects more than you body. You mind needs nourishment in order to heal and grow. So nourish it. Keeping those emotions at bay by doing outside things, or shoving outside stuff in, is what they do, so we learn it, because seeking what we really need love and affection doesn't ever work with them until they heal. So when we skip meals or eat bonbons excessively to keep our emotional pain at bay we'remessed up too. We're messed up in similar way as them. They shove p/mb in, and we shove food or starvation. Both approaches are messed up. You need to find a new approach that nourishes you mind, and your body, and your heart and soul. Don't look to him for what you need, he doesn't have it. It's within you, but you have to embrace it, rather than running from it. The truth is whatever it is, whether we see it, or whether we hide from it. Hiding from it is denial, and that hurts ourselves the most. You can handle the truth once you embrace, because it's actually all the lies your really struggling with. Your trying to believe the lies, to fit into the little boxes they wrongly assign women. Stop trying to believe the lies. Stop letting others decide for you. Start becoming the you, you really are instead. You aren't helpless, you don't have to be a victim of this for one minute longer than YOU choose. You don't have to leave to heal, but you do have leave all your old thoughts, and habits behind, and develop some newer healthier ones to replace them with. That's really what establishing boundaries is all about. Decide what you think is right for yourself, then set about honoring those things in your thoughts and in your behavior. Get the lies out, that you are telling yourself, about your body, about how you'r suppose to be, etc.... and THEN the rest will fall into place more naturally. You need him to get better, or to get yourself to a place where it's not affecting you so much. You need to detach, to focus on you, not him. If he never changes a thing, what can YOU do differently? Are you doing what you think is right? Are you happy? What would work better for you that doesn't depend on him? Change the things YOU can. And we can always change US! That's really the only thing we can surely change. Changing you is getting boundaries. We aren't taught boundaries, nor how to be independent. We're taught to be codependent, and/or conditioned into it by trying to please men who encourage us to do it, then they just perpetuate that cycle of abuse because it serves THEM. Not us. When we learn to decide for us, based on what we know to be true for us, and based on universal truths that apply to everyone, then we know we don't need them. We aren't really here to serve men, and our our worth is not dependent on what they think of us. God made us wonderful. It is in each of us, with or without a man. Take your power back for society, and from him, and from your own wrong thoughts. Figure out who you are, and what you want, and set about healing you, and you'll be fine. We go against our own souls when we keep doing the wrong thing and esp by repeatedly choosing to believe known liars. So don't believe it anymore!
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