Years go by

[Karahma123]

I've been posting recently, but a little background. My husband cheated on me with a stripper 4 years ago, right before our wedding. He told me about it months later, including letting me know about his porn addiction, acting out with one of my bridesmaids, having fantasies about my girlfriends, etc. Anyways, he went to counseling for a while but then declared himself cured. Around a year later he disclosed he had slipped up to me, after I was in the hospital (I have a chronic illness). Then he claimed he was completely fine for the past two years.

I've confronted him on this issue countless, countless times. All of this time he has told me he is better now that it was a gradual and hard process, but he was better.

Then I was recently in the hospital again. I guess he feels even more guilty when this happens and he finally told me the "truth" of the past.
Basically, he's never STOPPED watching p*. From watching it on our computer, to going out and purchasing DVDs, from recently going on our internet and watching it while our baby was asleep in the room. I've noticed that he gets up early for work sometimes, well it's usually to go downstairs, either watch p* or m*.

He swears he's telling the truth, the whole truth, but he's lied to me so much in the past few days, years, months, it's unreal. I can't believe a word this man says.

Now, you tell me if this isn't a "red flag" for even more bizarre behaivor. Recently my husband made a group of friends that he goes out with fairly often. Until I put a stop to it, it was often until 2-3am. I googled the email address of the guy whose house he's always going over to and it came up with posts to tons of weird and twisted p* forums. I've never met this group of guys and it's just bizarre for my husband, a man very active in our church, to be meeting with them, in my opinion.

Anyways, it's all numb again, I feel our life is a lie. I don't think people understand, it's not necessarily the p*, or the fact that I hate myself and my body, or how i can't go out with my husband without him checking out other women in front of me, or how he won't even look at me during s* anymore, it's all the lies. I'm so disgusted this man has looked me in the eye and bold faced lied to me for years.

Makes me wonder what else he's lied about. I have to decide if I want to stay or not.

I'm not sure.

[mo4wo1]

No dear. It's unfortunate but we all understand your plight, here. I am glad you have found some understanding support. That's just what you will get here, in this "room".

My H & I have been together for over 13 years. On August 17, 2005 I asked for a divorce. That night was the first of his now 53/54 items long list of ways he has a/o. He has a/o far more than 53/54 times but he's done it in that many ways.

Here's a list of my preferred sites for info & some books on the subject:

www.sexhelp.com/
*I took the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) myself and it was very helpful for me. The test & my researching this topic helped me to recognize & accept my own addiction as well as help me understand my H's addiction behaviors better than ever.

www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexual_addiction/partners.asp

www.recoverynation.com/
* One note of caution about this site: It makes lots of noises & sounds when you navigate through it.

www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm

"Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
* A member here with an amazing book list of her own recently recommended this. I read it several months ago but not fully. But what I did get from it was helpful & the recent recommendation of it has stirred my interest again. I found mine at my local library. You may have it available to you at yours.

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward and Craig Buck

[megan11]

Its sad but you are in the same boat as all of us here, and i am sorry about that. We have all been lied too for many years, and all to our faces. The whole not looking while s-x, checking out other women when we are there and P is something that a good majority of us have dealt with, some still dealing with. You are not alone at all with how you are feeling.
It is up to you if you stay or go, you hold the cards.
What did he say when you told him you googled the mans email address? I would have questioned him, but thats just me.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do, and know that we are here and we understand.

[Karahma123]

bleh

[milla]

I googled the email address of the guy whose house he's always going over to and it came up with posts to tons of weird and twisted p* forums.

Strange. I'm not really sure what the means, though, but nothing surprises me these days for what lengths men will go to for porn. I was reading some forums at craigslist last year and there were ads for guys seeking other guys to all get together and watch porn together. How sad. It seems rather gayish. Interestingly my SO said he was bisexual, but I never knew if that was somehow porn-induced.

[zerotolerance]

Your life is a lie because he's a liar, and he's been manipulating you, your emotions, and your sexuality. He probably wouldn't know the truth if it landed in his lap. P takes their commons sense first, as you're observing it's lacking.
Going to church is one thing, anybody can do that. But if he's not living a religious lifestyle, then going to church is merely for image, not because he's spiritual, nor has moral concerns. Moral people don't use p imo. My h does all kinds of stuff *in advance of his lies*, he lays the ground work to where IF the truth comes out, then I will be lessly likely to believe the truth over him, because he's such a "good" man. blah blah blah. You guy wants BOTH, his p objects, and his wifely object too. He's not upset because he hurt you, like you are. He's upset because he may loose you, but only for selfish reasons. If he was capable of thinking about you, he would have done it already, and he wouldn't still be doing this crap while hiding and lying about it. You are wise not to trust that you have all the info, esp if he's your only source for it. But what difference does it make? You already have more than enough info to know this isn't EVER going to work for you.

[completelydone]

You are the captain of your ship. If he won't be faithful, what do you want to do? Do you want to continue your life like this?