I wasnt going to write this post.....

[sillyrabbit]

As all of you may know I have become pretty down. So far down that I have intentionally cut myself to relieve the pain. Something I am not proud of.

Anyways, I have picked up drinking. Basically every night. Its really the only thing that makes me happy. (that is when my BF doesnt get on my nerves and I blow up into an angry arguments, or, self loathing sobbing/blaming him for everything that has made me the way I am today)

Anyways, the night that I had my "accident" I can pretty much recall most of it.

However, the next day I woke up interrible pain. All my muscles aching. My legs, butt, etc.... maybe a coincidence but same kind of muscles that generally hurt after being intimate.

I know nothing happend, at least I am about 98% sure nothing did.....but I couldnt help but have a terrible dream the next night.

[trigger]Regarding my bf drugging me up and molesting me while under the influence... it was a terrible nightmare... the lack of emotional response or caring he had for me in my dream.. was so real.. and sadly one of my worst REAL fears about how much he does or doesnt care about me.

The dream ended with me packing my bags and telling him to go F* himself.. and a great sense of relief to be done with him.... with the PROOF that leaving was the best I could do.. considering the (in dream) truth of his actions was revealed. [/trigger]


Anyways the next night came, and, I hadnt drank that much.

I fell asleep (as always) before my bf. I woke up abruptly to this....


[trigger]I was asleep on my side facing away from him. when we first fell asleep we weren't cuddling or anything... I woke up to his hand on my hip going under my clothing to my skin.. and kinda hiking it down a bit...... I woke up angry, and, yelled at him. Called him a F* pig, and a bunch of other things... to which he got super angry about and yelled back that he just wanted to cuddle with me.

I said to him as I have always said.. since choosing not to be intimate with him..... "you're just cuddling me for yourself.. cause you're horny... I said it not about US.. its only about YOU! "

I dont think he understands this concept at all.

[/trigger]

Now this is where I am stumped.

Was I in the middle of being part drunk/asleep so I misread his intentions? (in the past he has behaved in a similar fashion for us to be "close" in this way while cuddling.

Or was he trying what to take advantage of my (what he assumed) "drunken state" and asleep.

This is where I am remembering my terrible dream.. and then having him do this.... plus all the emotions of dealing with a PA...and on top of all that... when I was younger.. my step father molested me when I was a child... and WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!

So.... did I over re-act?
Was he being..... shady?

The next day he was still mad at me.... (although he went to the trouble of making me some food I really like...hmmm.....)

you know.. come to think of it.. he never actually says he is sorry for anything.

Just starts acting all "cute" or something.. or doing things/favors or ignores it completely.

His "anger" about how he just wants to be able to "touch his GF" or just be able to "cuddle me" subsided when I told him that half the reason I was so angry was how his behavior was very similar to what my step father had done. (he knows the story)

I know how bad this could seem.
I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt here....
I dont want to become this kind of person that always assumes the worst.

Sorry if this post is long.. or with mistakes.. I'm trying to rush.

I forgot to mention.... that because I woke up while he was attempting to "cuddle" me.. I cant help but think he is doing this more then once... while I really am drunk and passed out.. asleep.... not knowing.. and he is still awake... waiting untill I have fallen asleep.

Its just so creepy. Too creepy.

[milla]

Umm......

I know what I think, but I don't know how to put it delicately. I do not think you're overreacting or assuming the worst. Besides, what does your gut tell you? Do you think you just can't handle thinking what you really think?

I just sent you a PM, btw.

[LookingUp]

I don't know if he was being shady - but whatever he was doing, it was certainly triggering for you. People who love people don't intentionally do things that will cause their partner pain - even if their intention was loving and kind.

Just starts acting all "cute" or something.. or doing things/favors or ignores it completely.

My husband did that for years. I have learned to express how his cuteness is cute at the proper time, but when I am hurting and feeling used - that is NOT the time to act cute if he wants to regain trust and keep me in love with him.

We've gone through similar. I did not want my husband to touch me under my sleepwear since he refused to make love to me - I didn't want to be touched if I had to wait a year or so before he would consider making love. My attitude back then was if you don't want the whole thing - then you don't get part.

Is the drinking every night working for you?

I'm sorry you went through all that.

LookingUp

[milla]

LU's right on, too.

I think he's deliberately just screwing with you, honestly. Like a lot of pervs they tend to perv on emotional reactions too. He's triggering you and making the whole situation worse. I went through this with my own SO. He was really too gutless to go too far, or maybe the loser actually had a conscience after all, who knows. Either way he did everything he could to play off my doubts, insecurities, you name it. It's a form of crazy-making.

I think you waking up achey after drinking doesn't mean he did anything, as it happens when you've been drinking you generally aren't paying as much attention to what you do with your limbs, so you can wake up with a bruise you don't know how it got there or a pulled muscle or all kinds of stuff. [trigger] If it happens again I think you need to do a personal inspection (if you know what i mean) or see a doctor for that, just to be sure. [/trigger]

I think the dream, though, was telling about how you figure your bf really is.

And yes all his "cutesy" bs is just annoying and shady. I'm sure he does it so you won't be too mad, etc. to make sure you won't leave him, while he continues to stir your head up.

[mo4wo1]

I will use the trigger feature for this but it is in regards to your questions.

[trigger] When I met H, I was still living with a man I had been formerly engaged to. We were room mates. Thing is, he expected me to have sex with him until I got a job so I could leave. I stopped & didn't want him anymore. I even started staying out until 4 am at times to escape him. It was at the height of my own SA. I was literally sleeping with other people to escape that man. Whenever I would come home, he would try to rape me in my sleep. He was successful a few times, too. More than a few. It was a regular thing, actually.

I even started to sleep fully clothed in the living room & on the floor behind the couch. I eventually left for a women's shelter & there I found the strength to start to stop my behaviors. That & the fact that I was in love with H. H knew about the ex's behaviors & helped me leave.

During that time where "S" was regularly raping me, and before I met H, I was out drinking & drugging one night. I had met a guy & his friend & we went to the guy's apartment to get high. Well, he offered me a drink of juice because, supposedly, that was all he had. Not before long I am guessing I was out. I do remember waking up to them or him doing something to me. And next thing, he was dressing me & helping me to the car so I could drive home.

I have no doubt they drugged & raped me that night. I just fear they took pictures or did more than I can imagine. And the kicker is I would have slept with him that night most likely, anyway. But some guys like the comatose feeling I guess.

Anyway.

There was no doubt something happened. I remember being sore in "all the right places". And I want to say I was bleeding too. But that was so long ago that I can be misremembering. (i have been raped by more than my "fair" share of guys in my lifetime. Not too bright back then.)
[/trigger]

Sweetie, trust your gut on this, regardless of what he says & if he did do anything, you felt what he did do was wrong & that should be more than enough for him & you.

I wish you nothing but the best,
Mo

[kello2005]

Silly, I'm glad you wrote this post. And i agree with the others that you do have to go with your gut on this one. Dreams about your SO can be very powerful and vivid - I've had horrible dreams about my SO.
You know your SO better than anyone on the board...and you know best if he is capable of this behaviour.
I can understand your reaction to this situation to drink because it does provide temporary relief. Remember that it also a depressant and isn't helping you deal with this situation.

I'm hesitant to fully comment because I don't want to influence you either way. But I'm glad that you felt comfortable opening up on the forum - that is ALWAYS better than being alone with those feelings.
Cutting yourself isn't something to be ashamed of, feeling ashamed of yourself isn't going to help you feel better - if anything, it will only make you feel worse. Just keep in mind that emotions themselves can't hurt you...please read this:

www.recoverynation.com/general/sa/partners/pp007.html

It is from the recovery nation partners workshop and it talks about the emotional roller coaster involved in this type of trauma. You have nothing to be ashamed of with your reaction to all of this...we all feel pain in our own way...we do what we know and then once we know better, we do better. Try reading it and see if it can help you:)

Keep your head up!
Kello

[zerotolerance]

I think the dream is a warning to show you need to keep your falculties about you, because things like this happen to drunk women all the time. It's not safe to inebriated in unsafe places, with people we can't trust to protect us, nor strangers, if ever.

[trigger]My h always attacked, ie approached, me in my sleep, because he likes his women dead and still like p imo. Moving ruins the fantasy! Passed out would work GOOD for him. I also think he's done things I don't know about to me while I was asleep. Not recently, but years ago before I had a total cow about the way he approached me. I told him he had to come thru my head, or my heart, or he could stay out of my pants. Asleep or Awake, my answer was NO, and NO MEANS NO! I told him if he ever touched me in my sleep again, I'd call the police and have him arrested for RAPE. We already had seperate beds before that. He wasn't interested in touching me when I used to sleep with him, and he knew darn well I wasn't interested in sleeping with him anymore, I wouldn't have sought my own bed. Maybe he thought it was temporary or something, but I had made it VERY clear my decision was perminent. It was some time after that when he started prowling around at night like a freaking incubus. I think it was an escalation. I think he was in to that sort of p. Ya'll know drunk girls is popular p right? I'm not talking about party girls, I'm talking about passed out p. It's a genre. There's also, doing the dead p, too. [/trigger]

And to not ever VERBALLY apologize, nor show remorse, and then playing nice, are both just more signs of shallow thinking, poor communication skills, and objectification in action. It's immature, and may be a way to get us to respond to what they want, without there being any REAL connections to sincere sorrowfulness. When I see that crap, I just take it to mean he's saying
"I want my object to go back to revolving around me again, or faking it too, and because I am immature, I am trying manipulate her into by faking being nice, because this has worked before. He's trying to be cute, he's seeking attention, or emotional supply, it's not about remorse, nor being sorry, whatsoever imo. Not with my h anyway.

[completelydone]

His "anger" about how he just wants to be able to "touch his GF" or just be able to "cuddle me" subsided when I told him that half the reason I was so angry was how his behavior was very similar to what my step father had done. (he knows the story)

He doesn't have a right to your body. He doesn't have the right to do anything to you that you aren't comfortable with. If him touching you while you sleep triggers pain from your childhood, he should respect that and leave you alone.

Sorry for your pain,
CD

[cindyandben]

Is this a situation you are compelled to remain in for economic reasons? If not, then why?

I have been crazy in love, although the issues of the fellow I loved were a different sort of mental problems, and the bad behaviors had to do with anger arising from intense paranoia, (expressed as beating me over the head with a fry pan or holding a knife to my throat, to name just a few of the things I endured for love). It is very hard to even contemplate temporarily exiting a situation, no matter how awful, when one is in love. As a person who has always valued intellect and accomplishment, acknowledging this is seriously embarassing and painful for me. On the other hand, if my horrible experience in the past can assist you somehow today, it will be some comfort to me.

At the risk of breaching the norms of this discussion board, let me suggest: If you can get away just long enough to get some perspective, it might be very helpful. If this is, indeed, the one and only relationship for you, in the long run, then stepping away thoughtfully and deliberately, for a limited period of time, will not damage it, in the long run. Meanwhile, you may be able to reflect on the relationship as a whole and its effects on your behavior and your life. Alcohol misuse, and harming yourself are avenues to the grave, and no relationship is worth that. I know that now, but at the time I was in a relationship with someone whose mental problems caused him to harm me, I would have argued differently. So I know how powerful and compelling the urge is to stick with it and try to make it work, no matter what. Please take care of yourself, and perhaps use the holiday season as an excuse or rationale for a "trip" elsewhere, even if just to a motel in the next city or town, to contemplate, reflect, heal, examine your options, etc. My thoughts are with you.