Communication!!!!

[kello2005]

Argh...let me just gripe about my SO's communication skills for a minute...does anyone else deal with this?

Let's say I tell him how I'm feeling and then happen to state something of fact... for example, we were instant messaging the other day and I had abruptly gone off b/c I got really angry. I came back on and wrote something to the effect of "I'm sorry I logged off, I just didn't like where that was going, I actually started to cry so I just wanted to diffuse" This is his response "Yeah, ok cool babe" WHA???
Completely disregards the fact that I was crying and only mentions that I said I wanted to diffuse.
He never pays attention to what I'm actually saying - but instead prefers to slip hairs and nit pick and random parts of the sentence - sometimes if I talk about how something hurt my feelings at my mom's etc...he'll actually argue about if we were at my mom's or not....INFURIATING!!!

What is up with this!!?? and how can it be STOPPED?

[milla]

Yeah, my SO was like that to the extreme. I just think that if he were talking to a guy pal would he just skim right over what the guy said? Or would he be branded an a$$hole if he did that? Probably, the latter so he wouldn't do it. Stuff is give and take. I think guys who do that are pretty objectifying, cause that's what it amounts to, just responding to someone factually. I call bull(expletive). It isn't that guys can't, it's that some of them think they can get away with not doing it cause people think it's some 'guy thing'. I think there's a reason to it when they do it. Distancing. If it's done too much it breaks your spirit, little by little. Just try and do it to him sometime and watch him go 'Wth!' I did it to my SO and he'd get pretty upset. That's pretty much where I got to with it myself. Sad, but almost liberating to start treating him like some kind of boy thing.

You should try it. Next time your SO expects an emotive response to something of his, just blow him off. If he gets upset just say "oh yeah, sorry babe....."

[LookingUp]

Have you read Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse site? www.drirene.com - I found a lot of this poor communication was actually verbal abuse. I was stunned. But realizing it was abuse helped me find ways to respond to it differently.

One thing that often works with my husband is, "That sounded a bit rude, would you please reword it so it sounds more supportive." I've also found gently probing questions helpful, "Honey, if you were so upset you were crying, what response would you like me to give?" Then I can tell him what response I would like to have (I don't wait for him to ask because I know he won't - he doesn't think that way.) Thus we're sharing information, learning about each other, and hopefully he'll remember and use what I suggested the next time I cry. Sometimes I just need to tell him what I need, he's not my girlfriends, so he's pretty clueless yet about how women process stuff, "Honey, I'm feeling really unsupported, please hand me a tissue, give me a hug and tell me three reasons why you love me." Usually he'll do that, but if he can't - at least I know to lower my expectations for the next time. I think those things help them get in touch with their numbed emotions and help them return to their humanity.

I've found if I try to use his poor behavior back on him - then he just goes to a more obnoxious, less validating level of response... for us it snowballs into real ugliness to each other.

LookingUp

[zerotolerance]

I think it shows us how SHALLOW they are. Crying is just a word to him. A word without a connected emotional feeling, because they have numbed their emotions to point they can't FEEL squat. He can't relate because he's P-dead in the head, the heart, and the soul imo. When we're objectified, and we cry, then we are being defective. Objects don't cry. The washing machine doesn't leak, and if it does, it's broken. So when we leak they think we are broken too. But the fact that he doesn't even acknowledge it, shows YOU exactly whose broken. Granted we have to get ourselves up out of the depression pit, and that's not really their responsibilty. However when they are shoving us back down into it, that's on them, not us, and we have to recognize it, and take steps to ensure they don't keep us down, or keep crazy making us go down over and over. We have to break the cycle, because they are soo shallow, and soo unaware of reality, to even see a need to break it. They just repeat it over and over and over without any thought, or remorse, whatsoever.