Numb again.

[mo4wo1]

Last night ended after a round of 10 "new" disclosures at 3 am or so.

I am exhausted & a bit wiped out.

They were big ones. Some I suspected as far back as almost a decade ago, some I never would have guessed... ever.

I really do not know this man I am legally tied to. I look at him & I see a child, someone weak & small. I do not see my H anymore. I just don't. I don't know who he is, who this person is.

I felt sick at my stomach & wanted to puke but I let it pass. My back has been hurting the past few days anyway. H worries it may be stress-induced. I think it's just my kidneys again.

He almost got sick too.

After what he felt was his "biggest secret" that he had been hanging on to, that he was fired 9 years ago for viewing P onthe job & not laid off due to company problems like he had told me, he said he had nothing left to lose now. Funny, he sees that as the biggest one. To me, beyond the lies, some of the a/o behaviors & that he a/o at his present job (yeah, after he was fired for it once) are bigger things to me.

He said he "just realized" he hadn't told his therapist some of this stuff, if any of it as far as I know.

I think he may have a/o with a man at some point, beyond just using P with him. But we'll see. I always got a weird vibe off that guy, couldn't quite place it. And H had such a visceral, upset like a love affair had ended, reaction to the way that guy left when he moved away. I really am worried now. And the feelings I got from the comments H made that day (when the guy left) about how he wasn't gay or worried he was acting gay, they never have left me.

Maybe it was just that his "pusher" was leaving. But I really am worried that my H has had homosexual contact with someone & he's hiding it. Honestly, I've always wondered about his orientation. And I can understand the feeling considering my own bisexual feelings. But I see cheating as cheating physically, regardless of what gender the affair is. It's not separate.

I fear that I may need to get a job. I cannot trust this person to put his family's welfare first & still be a responsible person or parent. He's an addict & has gone further than I realized and I know better. Even after years of sobriety, an addict can still fall & pick the habit right back up again. I can't have faith in sobriety. That's the nature of the beast. Seen my father do it. Seen myself do it. It happens, can happen. Doesn't always & I think that's awesome when it doesn't. But I can't be his fool anymore.

I feel numb. Had a spark of anger & I think I scared him a bit last night with it. He started the "You hate me" thing, all full of tears. I told him, "I will not pity you right now. This is my time right now. You tell me the truth right now & we will deal with the other stuff later." He agreed.

Then, later, he tried to pick at me a few times & each time, by the grace of G*d, I was clear headed enough to remind him what we were doing right then & to stay focused with me.

But the last time he tried to get pissed & started to roll his eyes at me, I sternly & strongly told him I will not tolerate one ounce of anger from him., he had lost his right to get pissed at me for any of this. I told him I would not play the game of pick apart a detail to confuse me so he can have a reason to be mad at me to alleviate some of the guilt. And I also told him I was not going to coddle him in any way for this stuff because these were his choices & his lies, not mine. I told him I will not tolerate it! I slowly got louder & I almost lost my composure but I could see he knew I meant business, that I know his game plays.

And he stopped.
And I regained what little bit of composure I lost.
And we continued on into the night.

3 am.

He wanted me to wake him so I could sleep in. I didn't.
I wanted to go to the library today and yesterday we all planned to do it today. I stayed home & they are all gone. I can't stand to be around him like a fun, happy family right now. And I won't give him the satisfaction of looking like the poor, pitiful H with the (expletive)y wife in public, today. I stayed home.

I got an hour's nap in so far. Will do some cleaning soon, take a shower.

But I have to snap out of this in a few days.

I am so tired of him. I really think he's screwed up sometimes, really. Not just an addict but really screwed up in the head.

Sorry. Not "PC" at all & not something I would think about H. But after last night, the fact that he has revealed 51 things and there may be more, I can't help but seriously wonder about this guy's head.

Man... what more do I need, huh? What more, lol?

[megan11]

(((Mo))) Isnt it just wonderful? Ugh
Yes, we did the whole "this is what i used to do" bit the other night. I found out a few things that really PISSED me off, but i was good about it. I was pissed, remained calm, no yelling, but the conversation warranted a few questions on my part, after i asked a few, maybe 3? I heard him snoring. So, you know where that went, right down the sh-tter!
Hes sorry, it just happened, BS. Then the next day (yesterday) it was all about him and his pity party, screw anyone else.
I have no advice for you Mo, just lots of hugs for you. Its like my mother told me last night "I have no advice for you, if i couldnt help myself, i cant help you" She also filled me in on the fact that the only time men will leave when told too is if they already have another bed to hop in. I might have to start looking for a girlfriend (a REAL ONE) for my H if i want him to leave. LOL

[LookingUp]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Mo )))))))))))))))))))))) My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how shocked and disoriented you're feeling as you discover 51 new things you have to work through.

LookingUp

[realthing]

She also filled me in on the fact that the only time men will leave when told too is if they already have another bed to hop in.

throw him out - don't ask/tell - if u want them out get their stuff together put it in a bag and put it out into the street - don't let them in when they come back from work/store where ever. let them file for divorce and in the meantime find themselves somewhere else to live. public humiliation by the way is a tool for women - men act disgracefully when everything is kept secret . phone the police if they come back bothering you and wotever u do don't let them in. (actually i don't think my h would dare come back in the house if i was in that mode :-)

[iambetrayed]

(((((Mo))))) Wow. I am feeling sick along with you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

[breakfreenow]

I am new to this site but have led support groups in the past for spouses of PA'S. Being what I call a continual survivor, I have seen my DH's addiction progress past that of just porn and fall into complete cheating and sex addiction. 10 years have passed and still fighting this uphill battle. I too get numb, a lot. I stay because I made a committment to God and to myself that my marriage meant something. I consider my husband my cross to bear (so to speak). Counseling, books, friends. I have done it all. Yet we revisit this den of shame every few months. I am seeking support. from breakfreenow

[mo4wo1]

Thank you ladies.

LU,
It was actually up to 51 at that time. I think we're at 53 or 54 total, today.

Breakfreenow,
Again, welcome. Sorry we all have had to meet under such crappy circumstances. But I am thankful for the knowledge & pure support, here. My H still swears he's never gone into full on sexual contact with another person while with me. He's very fantasy-based. He does see this as cheating, now, and he fully admits that his emotional affairs & MB sessions to those same women were pretty darned close.

It's hard work.

[somedood]

mo4wo1,

I don't often post on "this side" of the board, but often read to get a better understanding of how my wife may be feeling (we're both working on improving our communication).

For what it's worth, I see you as a intelligent, strong, good person and I hate to see what the addict has done to your SO - making him unable to see that... It pains me to read your story, it really does. I wish what I feel could take away from the weight that may still be bearing down on you. Thank you for sharing this, my thoughts and prayers are with you.