Post by corri on Dec 13, 2007 17:25:06 GMT -5
I am divorced woman of two boys. My xH and I split after 16 years of M. I started dating another man about two years ago, and it was... you know... ZOWIE wonderful. About six months into our R, I discovered his habit of... P/MBing. I asked him if this was something he did often... he said no... he was very open with me (or so I thought) about P/MBing. I wasn't too alarmed, as my xH and I occasionally viewed porn together. I figure if two consenting adults are open with one another, and honest about usage... okay.
Just by accident, I discovered how prevalent his online porn usage was. What bothered me more was the secrecy and lying by omission that was behind it. Long story short, I told him it was unacceptable to me. He asked for another chance.
For the last few months, I've had those gut feelings again that all was not right in Dodge. Just a few days ago, I discovered... well... gosh, I can't even begin to describe what I discovered.
He swears that all he does is look and MB. I told him... "great. I think it's great that's ALL you think it is. What I see and experience from my end is a man I love, lying to me, keeping secrets from me, and going to GREAT lengths to make sure I don't find out. I'm not your mother, I'm not the morality police, I am not ethics enforcer. You can DO whatever you want, and call it whatever you want... I'm done."
He asked me for another chance. I told him that I already gave him a second chance. I told him I accepted his apology, but we were still done. He pulled the guilt card on me: "So that's that? Just like that, it's all over? I thought you loved me."
I said to him: "Love has nothing to do with this. I'm looking to be in a relationship with an adult, someone who is fully accountable for their decisions and actions. When someone says they love me, I believe them. To me, that means you work together to PRESERVE that love, no matter what. You do it, or you don't. There is no try. You and I have discussed that very thing on several occasions. I thought we were on the same page. I'm so sorry this is coming between us, but let us be very clear here: YOU are the one who has allowed it to, not me. Do not attempt, in any form or fashion, to 'guilt' me. This is not a WE problem. This is your problem, lock, stock and barrel. Me hurting and mourning the loss of this R... that is my problem."
I feel bad for him (and for me), but I cannot help another person who can't or won't help themselves. That sounds so cold... but... I emailed him a link to this site. I figured that was mighty big of me, considering.
My life story would probably shock the hell out of a lot of people. I understand addiction and compulsive behavior. But this is my life, and I have two children who need a sane, loving, HEALTHY mother. I need and want to be a sane, loving, HEALTHY woman.
I do not have time to hate this man. I do not have time to stop trusting other human beings because of my xBF's inability to be accountable for his own actions. I have every intention of moving on and some day finding a loving man with whom I can have a loving, satisfying, trusting R.
I will NOT be a victim of his addiction. I feel for him. I have empathy for him and what he is potentially facing, if he chooses to do so. But my joy, my love, my will to create an amazing experience on this planet, while I am here, is NOT stopping for him... or anyone else. Ever.
I'm pissed that he ruined what I thought to be a really fun/cool/loving/honest/full of laughter R. Then again, I didn't know I was in an R with an addict, and that changes everything. And if I go back before he seeks help on his own, before he changes his own life (if I ever go back at all), THEN I will be as much at fault as the addict.
But I will get over it. It hurts like hell right now... and I'm going to grieve and mourn it.
And then, come the Spring, I'm going to stop mourning, and start living again.
Thanks for listening.
Corri
Just by accident, I discovered how prevalent his online porn usage was. What bothered me more was the secrecy and lying by omission that was behind it. Long story short, I told him it was unacceptable to me. He asked for another chance.
For the last few months, I've had those gut feelings again that all was not right in Dodge. Just a few days ago, I discovered... well... gosh, I can't even begin to describe what I discovered.
He swears that all he does is look and MB. I told him... "great. I think it's great that's ALL you think it is. What I see and experience from my end is a man I love, lying to me, keeping secrets from me, and going to GREAT lengths to make sure I don't find out. I'm not your mother, I'm not the morality police, I am not ethics enforcer. You can DO whatever you want, and call it whatever you want... I'm done."
He asked me for another chance. I told him that I already gave him a second chance. I told him I accepted his apology, but we were still done. He pulled the guilt card on me: "So that's that? Just like that, it's all over? I thought you loved me."
I said to him: "Love has nothing to do with this. I'm looking to be in a relationship with an adult, someone who is fully accountable for their decisions and actions. When someone says they love me, I believe them. To me, that means you work together to PRESERVE that love, no matter what. You do it, or you don't. There is no try. You and I have discussed that very thing on several occasions. I thought we were on the same page. I'm so sorry this is coming between us, but let us be very clear here: YOU are the one who has allowed it to, not me. Do not attempt, in any form or fashion, to 'guilt' me. This is not a WE problem. This is your problem, lock, stock and barrel. Me hurting and mourning the loss of this R... that is my problem."
I feel bad for him (and for me), but I cannot help another person who can't or won't help themselves. That sounds so cold... but... I emailed him a link to this site. I figured that was mighty big of me, considering.
My life story would probably shock the hell out of a lot of people. I understand addiction and compulsive behavior. But this is my life, and I have two children who need a sane, loving, HEALTHY mother. I need and want to be a sane, loving, HEALTHY woman.
I do not have time to hate this man. I do not have time to stop trusting other human beings because of my xBF's inability to be accountable for his own actions. I have every intention of moving on and some day finding a loving man with whom I can have a loving, satisfying, trusting R.
I will NOT be a victim of his addiction. I feel for him. I have empathy for him and what he is potentially facing, if he chooses to do so. But my joy, my love, my will to create an amazing experience on this planet, while I am here, is NOT stopping for him... or anyone else. Ever.
I'm pissed that he ruined what I thought to be a really fun/cool/loving/honest/full of laughter R. Then again, I didn't know I was in an R with an addict, and that changes everything. And if I go back before he seeks help on his own, before he changes his own life (if I ever go back at all), THEN I will be as much at fault as the addict.
But I will get over it. It hurts like hell right now... and I'm going to grieve and mourn it.
And then, come the Spring, I'm going to stop mourning, and start living again.
Thanks for listening.
Corri