Ashamed Feelings?

[megan11]

I am starting to wonder if i need the Prozac my H is on because this is just WEIRD!
I can talk to anyone, family, friends, you all here about my H P/MB issues but this is so weird..... If i ever enter into another relationship with another man, i wouldnt be able to tell him WHY my marriage broke up if he were to ask. I would feel ashamed to admit this P/MB addiction to someone i was to be involved with. I think i would feel ashamed admitting it, kinda like maybe if i were better at something my Ex wouldnt have had the addiction?
Very odd to me because i dont hide anything but this is something i would be ashamed to admit to a boyfriend.\
Hmm...

[kello2005]

I can see how this would be something you wouldn't necessarily want to disclose to a new boyfriend. But how can you know that you wouldn't be able to unless you already are in a new relationship? Maybe your future relationship would have open communication and your new partner will be non-judgmental and understand addiction.

Remember, what other people think is irrelevant at the end of the day...what matter is that YOU know you didn't do anything to cause your Ex's addiction! Maybe your fear comes from a lingering feeling that you did have something to do with your ex's addiction...if so, this is the first thing that has to be remedied. Remember, his addiction started long before he met you, the initial seeds were probably planted in his childhood, which you obviously had no control over. Additionally, PA has nothing to do with sex really...it is about a person lacking the foundation of a healthy life and thereby, lacking the appropriate ways of coping with emotions. The addiction (whatever addiction it may be) is used as the ultimate emotional "fix" that is the most satisfying to the emotional system.

I'm not sure if you have or not..or if I've suggested this already...but the workshop for partners at recoverynation.com is extremely helpful!!!

Keep your head up!

[megan11]

Hey Kello! You may have something there. Maybe i thought i was over the fact that that H told me 3 different times, all lasting a week or more at the time, how i was fat, thats why he did it, skinny is his "preference" They were hot, and so on. Hmm.. Something to go and think about among the million other things i get to think about with this crappy addiction he has, LOL

kello2005 said:

I can see how this would be something you wouldn't necessarily want to disclose to a new boyfriend. But how can you know that you wouldn't be able to unless you already are in a new relationship? Maybe your future relationship would have open communication and your new partner will be non-judgmental and understand addiction.

Remember, what other people think is irrelevant at the end of the day...what matter is that YOU know you didn't do anything to cause your Ex's addiction! Maybe your fear comes from a lingering feeling that you did have something to do with your ex's addiction...if so, this is the first thing that has to be remedied. Remember, his addiction started long before he met you, the initial seeds were probably planted in his childhood, which you obviously had no control over. Additionally, PA has nothing to do with sex really...it is about a person lacking the foundation of a healthy life and thereby, lacking the appropriate ways of coping with emotions. The addiction (whatever addiction it may be) is used as the ultimate emotional "fix" that is the most satisfying to the emotional system.

I'm not sure if you have or not..or if I've suggested this already...but the workshop for partners at recoverynation.com is extremely helpful!!!

Keep your head up!

[kello2005]

Him saying those things was mean and cruel and a way to deflect from his glaring flaws. It's something we've all heard since we were kids, but it's so true - people put other people down to make themselves feel better.

[megan11]

Or he did it because he knew that would be the only way to upset me, make me cry and i get off your back cause now its my pity part, lol

[hugs4u002]

Megan, I am happy for you that your relationship is turning a corner. I think if someone were to ask me about my ex I would say he was a sex addict or I would say I really don't want to talk about it as it is in my past. I don't think people understand p/a addiction, I know I certainly didn't before this. I wouldn't believe that someone can become addicted to something so singular, but I understand now. Hopefully you will never have to have that conversation. Best wishes for you and your family for the holidays.
Hugs

[zerotolerance]

It sounds to me like you haven't gotten all the lies out yet. Because when you do, you won't feel the shame anymore imo. Try to hone in, on EXACTLY why it makes you feel ashamed. It won't be just ONE thing, so look for multiple factors. Most of our shame, like your describing imo, comes from elements of still believing that we are "not enough", somewhere deep down with in us. We're ashamed to tell because we don't want others to know we are "not enough" too. It's not a concious thing, so it takes effort to bring all the elements to the surface. But it is indication of something not right in our belief systems somewhere, or the connections between our souls and minds not firing right, or in harmony, or something like that imo. You know you don't have any reason to feel shame, but you still do, so that's not right. You don't struggle with shame in the other areas of your life, so why is it here? Obviously, it is because you are still broken in this area, or it wouldn't be here either imo. For me it turned out to be residues of "not enough" in deep, deep, deep pockets, in my mind and in my soul. Now I'm not ashamed to talk about the me parts anymore, whereas once, I couldn't have voiced it if my life depended on it. Give it voice, name the shame, then eradicate it. God help the next man that tries to be with me, because I'm going to be talking about it, for sure.

[completelydone]

I wonder what the shame is too. Why SHOULD I feel ashamed? Think... think....

I'll get back to ya on that one.