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Post by lee1234 on Dec 13, 2007 11:50:15 GMT -5
I'm with zerotolerance on this one. Since I am asking my PA to give 100% of his attention to me, it would be selfish of me to indulge myself. Early on prior to d-day, I would occasionally, but it only made me feel worse- guilty, detached. It wasn't worth the gratification. I haven't in a long, long, long time. I don't plan on it anymore. You can live without it, and I think we'll be stronger in our relationship one day if we can both focus all our sexual attention on each other. I feel the urge and need to sexual gratification on occasion, but I channel that energy into other things. Hopefully one day I will be able to trust him enough and be intimate with him again. Until then, I can wait and so can he.
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Post by Healing Rain on Dec 13, 2007 12:39:14 GMT -5
I believe strongly that all sexual energy in a marriage should be spent with each other, and in a manner that uplifts the relationship... bringing us closer together, and not further apart.
For me, MB seperates us. And I long to be together as one. Its damaging to my relationship, whether I do it or he does it. I've always felt this way.
Now, I have issues of my own regarding MB. I am, or was, a compulsive MB from a very young age. Maybe that is why I see this differently, maybe not. But my truth is that if it seperates us, it has no place in our relationship. And, I gave up MB long before I knew H had a sexual addiction of his own.
~Rain~
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Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 13, 2007 15:10:02 GMT -5
I haven't m/b in a while but when I did out of sheer necessity and frustration from the lack of real sex in my relationship, I would do so while fantasizing about doing it with my s/o. The thing is.......my fantasies were never in a porno fashion, they always started with me thinking about kissing him, which is another thing I greatly miss. We only kiss closed mouth and were affectionate and touched and snuggled so many times my natural reaction to this would be to want to take it further but I am now so conditioned to NOT reacting that I wonder if I will ever be right again when I finally accept another man in my life...........right now I don't think about that much but I have caught myself checking out other men and the spark of sexual excitement has struck me a few times....I hope this means that I will be o.k. Of all the things that make me mad that might be one of the biggest, that I loved sex, I thought I was pretty good in that department and now I am all messed up.
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kello2005
Full Member
When someone shows you their true colours, believe them. - Maya Angelou
Posts: 134
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Post by kello2005 on Dec 13, 2007 15:27:00 GMT -5
Hugs, I can totally relate to this. Before I met my SO I was really confident in my sexuality and had gotten nothing but praise from my previous partners. Then of course a few years of rejection can make you doubt your skills and your natural ability to be intimate.
What I keep reminding myself is that I am great in bed...and it's not my fault that our sex life went to (expletive). Bottom line.
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Post by lee1234 on Dec 14, 2007 10:57:33 GMT -5
I'm the same way. I loved sex before. I felt very confident sexually until porn. Now I have no idea how things will be when/if we have sex again. I know it's not my fault that we don't have sex and that it might be really awkward if/when we do again. I just can't help feeling rejected and inadequate about myself and a bit repulsed by him. It's going to be a long time before we get to that point again.
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AmazingGrace
Full Member
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like ME.
Posts: 130
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Post by AmazingGrace on Dec 14, 2007 13:19:00 GMT -5
Now that I've been on the board for a while, I've realized that I was a p & mb addict myself when I was a pre-teen & teen. I was able to get a handle on the addiction to the point of acting out maybe once a month or so. And when we got married and I found my husband uninterested in sex (because of the PA/mb thing I was generally unaware of), I continued in that habit. After confronting my husband and telling him I expected him to stop doing that completely, I felt like it would be hypocritical to not ask the same thing of myself. I want all his sexual energy focused on me, and realized I needed to reserve that part of myself for him as well. [trigger]He started recovery in April. He had a lot of slips until August, I had two. Since the end of August, he's had one slip, in early October. I've had two, one this week. This is pretty fresh in my mind, and the reasons I don't do this are all running through my head. Taking care of my own desire: - Reduced my desire and need to connect with him.
- Made me toy with the thought of being dishonest or less-than-open with him and not telling him about my most recent slip--and that lying-by-omission habit is what really bothered me about his PA.
- Made me lose a little hope about his recovery. If I can't control myself after all these years, how will he be able to?
Sexual intimacy can be one of the most vulnerable interactions in our lives. I am dependent on my husband's hands and mouth and body to give me pleasure. He is dependent on my hands and mouth and body to give him pleasure. When he finally left his frequent p & mb behind, he said, somewhat petulantly, "It's frightening to have my sex life depend entirely on you--whether you say yes or no to me." "Well," I said, "Join the club. My sexuality depends on you, too." It is frightening. You are vulnerable. When your pleasure is in someone else's hands (no pun intended) you have little control. But that's what we're asking from our SO's. Give up that control. Give your sexuality back to us. Stop taking care of your own needs, and start taking care of ours. A personal mb habit just doesn't fit in with that for me. Now I need to go read Wes's Ten Keys book again to remind myself that I never mb now. [/trigger]
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Post by Healing Rain on Dec 14, 2007 13:27:06 GMT -5
Great post, Amazing grace. I relate completely.
I knew I had issues way before I knew my H did. And yes, I kept them secret from him as well. I tried to confess 3 years ago, after deciding to stop Mbing. He used my confessions as fantasy material for him... It was then that all the peices started finally falling into place for me and another year before I discovered the porn. (though that was actually the third time in my marriage, but I count it as the first truthful discovery)
Anyway... I loved this statement... its powerful, and so very true.
Thank you for that!
~Rain~
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