What about OUR sexual habits?

[walkingblind]

I have been debating about whether to post this or not. I decided to go ahead, because I know that I will get some thoughtful and helpful responses.

My husband is a pa and he has been clean (p and mb free) for 30 days. I am incredibly proud and I feel a lot of hope for our future, something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. Right now I am thinking about MY habits though, instead of his. I mb here and there. No porn, not too regularly. I am just feeling a twinge of hypocrisy. How can I ask him to do somethig that I do myself? Now of course I don't use p and I am not obsessive/compulsive about it. I think I do it normally. *shrug* Where do some of the rest of you stand on this issue? Is what's good for the goose good for the gander?

[everhopeful]

I too occasionally mb without p, I'd say 2x a month. I feel funny about it sometimes too but he and I both know that some women (or maybe it's just me in particular) have 2 types of orgasms, the internal G-spot type and the clitoral type, and I have a hard time achieving the clitoral type with him, so I get it through occasionally mbing. I get what you're saying tho, I felt bad that he had to have mb taken way because of his lack of self control, but that's just what it is, HIS lack of self control, not mine!

I don't think that's wrong but let's see what the other ladies have to say. Some feel that mb is not necessary in a relationship at all, but with my being able to have different types of orgasms, I don't know if it's so cut and dry.

[walkingblind]

Thanks for an honest response. I feel so funny about it. I tell myself that it's the obsessive/compulsiveness that is the difference. He knows that I do it, and I don't think he has an opinion about it one way or another.

[saddkatt]

I guess this poses an interesting idea. If one is not an alcoholic, it's okay to have a beer now and then, right? But then again, you wouldn't have a beer in front of an alcoholic. Is it okay to have a beer if the alcoholic is somewhere else? Do you hide it? Disclose it? Would it be a trigger for them?

Same thing with PA, I would assume...

[megan11]

Ladies, with all the years i have gone without sex because of my H P/MB taking care of myself was my only other option besides going outside our marriage, and yes that almost happened.
He cannot MB to P or without it. He is a compulsive MB, i however am not. I dont feel bad taking care of myself the very few times i do, even though now we do have sex.
I have been married for almost 12 years and have had 4 O's with my H. His MB/P issues made him a bad lover, period.
I say if you are MB everyday and looking and planning your life around it, you have an issue. If its not an everyday thing, and not taking away from your relationship, its all good.
but, what the H3LL do i know, LOL

[dazednconfused]

IMO-

if I want my husband to be sexaully faithful to me in all aspects, I should be practicing what I expect. For me, there is no place in marriage for solo mb (his or mine)... period.

again, just IMO

[walkingblind]

You know, I don't consider the mb to be unfaithfulness. What disturbs me is the preoccupation with it. If he did it every once in awhile in the shower, whatever. If he has to do it many times a day, there's a problem like the other poster said. I also liken it to the one drink vs. an alcoholic analogy. My husband chooses to abstain from mb because it is disruptive to his life, practically and in his thoughts.

Thank you for your opinion. Obviously this is a very personal decision and there is no right answer.

[zerotolerance]

I don't think p nor mb has a place in HEALTHY relationship PERIOD. If you were being sexual satisfied by HIM, then you wouldn't need to seek satisfying yourself unless you also have a mb habit. And you said yourself that you aren't doing it like he does, ie to the point where it is taking EVERYTHING else away from your relationship. Our sexual energy is meant to be given to each other, not ourselves. And what an addict does, and what a non addict does are always two different things because one is an addict, and one isn't. I can drink a beer, but an alcholic can't. Either though way it's damaging. We have to turn of parts of ourselves to mb with the false sense of immunity. And if a person does enough of that, well those others parts, (ie heart, souls, and minds), can stop showing up altogether imo. We don't get choose our consequences. It would far better to cultivate something with each other, than for anyone to be defending mb imo. If it doesn't mean that much to you, then giving it ups is easy. But when someone is using it as a placebo to keep from having to deal with anything else, it gets a lot more compliated, and it takes away a lot more than just a few a minutes time and some sex.

Two people contributing to bad behaviors won't make anything better. No amount of wrongs ever make a single right. So, no, it is not what is good is good for the gander imo. What is good is good, and what is bad is still bad, regardless of gender.

[completelydone]

What, who do you think about when you m/b? If it's someone other than him then you are just as guilty as he is.

[everhopeful]

Honestly, upon reflection, I don't think of "who" I just focus on the sensations I'm feeling in my body and pretty much clear my mind; kinda zone out in myself, if that makes sense. There are no images of people in my mind, I'm certain.

[Benderson]

If I hold the bar high for my husband and expect him to stop masturbating, then I choose to do the same for myself. It won't kill me not to masturbate. If I consider his masturbatory habits to be selfish, then I choose to take the same route.

Lemme tell ya--when you don't have either sex or masturbation for a lengthy period of time (my husband travels a lot on business; and I don't do phone sex), your body finds a way. Mine does in my sleep; even if my dreams aren't sexual.

Benderson

[LookingUp]

#9 in my recovery plan states not to mb. I've had a few slips through the almost sexless years. I've found I can re-channel the sexual energy for creative pursuits and live quite happily. Like Benderson, I may wake up having a non-sexual dream and experiencing an orgasm. It was rather surprising the first time that happened.

We often tell PAs, water, air and shelter are need - but mb or orgasm is a preference not a need; I think that is true for males or females.

LookingUp

[mo4wo1]

Am I, as an SO here, a hypocrite? Is that what you are asking?

No.

P is disgusting. It's voyeurism and I'm not into that. Have my own SA issues (non-P related) and just won't go there ever again if I can help it. It's pathetic, IMO, and sad.

MB is not my thing. Leaves me feeling pathetic, actually. Why should I? Did do it regularly when H was apparently at his height of his addiction & later on when we were having s** maybe once or twice a month.

I now realize I deserve better than that. Am doing my best to achieve it, too.

I will not & have not asked for one damned thing I was not & am not willing to give myself. I can't help but think, "How ridiculous is that? How crazy-making would that be?"

[P]

We wait for each other.

[kello2005]

I MB somewhat regularly and see no problem with it. Nor do I see any hypocrisy. My SO has a problem with MB and P....not me. I never asked him to stop MBing either, he chose to stop to aid in his recovery.
We don't live together so I believe that MB is a healthy s3xual outlet for me...I would consider it healthy for him as well if he wasn't addicted to P.