Two weeks past d-day update

[lee1234]

I’ve been debating posting anything here since I now know that my PA knows about this site and my identity on it. I guess I care more about me right now than how he would feel about reading the truth, so I decided to post anyway. It’s been two weeks since D-day. My PA is back home, and after our first therapy session, I let him come back to our bed. No sexual contact. I don’t know if or when I’ll feel comfortable with that.

I’m afraid he’s starting to feel too much normalcy though, afraid it’s leading him back to old routines. He’s acting real depressed today, disconnected, uncommunicative. He looks and acts guilty. He hasn’t done his recoverynation workshop since Monday. He hasn’t been working (works from home when he’s writing reports). He’s been dragging around and spending too much time on hobbies again.

I’m starting to have that familiar mental twitch- the one that tells me when something is wrong. I decided it was time to check up on his computer use. I put K9 filter software back on his work computer and our home computer as a condition of coming home. I looked at the internet use report and saw a lot of red flags. One site wasn’t exactly porn, but basically a celebrity objectification site. The other was a TON of chatting. I increased the security to the highest setting to block chatting. I saw his yahoo ID in one or two entries, but there were also id’s I didn’t recognize… I wonder if he has secret email accounts to exchange things he wouldn’t want me to find and to chat with people. My suspicion is that things are/were much worse than I knew. I’m afraid I only see part of the iceburg, and there are horrifying things lurking beneath the surface… I dreamed about that a few nights ago, that I was walking along a dark beach and there were fishing boats along the waterfront. I kept imagining the large, strange fish gliding around beneath the surface of the dark water. It was chilling. I’m afraid to know more than I already do…. I know I couldn’t handle that, and I know that would be the end for us. But at the same time, I NEED to know how bad it is… I need to know so it won’t continue to poison me and my daughter….

I know I should give therapy some time. The therapist seems good- seems to think all his problems have a deep root in his adolescence. If he can find the problem, it can be addressed and he can change the patterns he’s stuck in.. I’m willing to give things a chance, but it’s in his hands to prove he can be the man I need and deserve.

[mo4wo1]

I feel for you. That nagging feeling is so often to real. As one fine lady here told me, sometimes they're not as bad as we imagine. But they're bigger than we knew. And it all kills, it all hurts.

For the past week or two my H has been averaging a "new" disclosure every few days. It's so freaking exhausting 'cause even then, he's still not being fully honest. there seems to alway be more there somewhere with him.

I hope you learn the truth fully & completely & I pray you will have the strength to live through this with as much grace & integrity as possible.

best wishes.

[zerotolerance]

I’m afraid to know more than I already do…. I know I couldn’t handle that, and I know that would be the end for us. But at the same time, I NEED to know how bad it is… I need to know so it won’t continue to poison me and my daughter….

You can handle it far better than you think you can. You are way stronger than you think you are. You're just damaged right now, and all your connections aren't firing right yet, letting you know how strong and empowered you really are. I know what it feels like, and I had the same the thoughts. But we have to stop running from the truth and start embracing it instead. What we need, is to stop the crazy making. We already know that can't get much worse without killing us dead. And so we fear more truth, thinking it will kill us for sure. But it won't, it frees us. Either way it goes, it frees us. If they are clean and that's the truth, that's the best case scenerio, but if they using and that's the truth, denying doesn't help us. Their lying about it doesn't help us. WE NEED THE TRUTH, and very idea that we don't is what objectifies us the most, and damages us the worst imo. We need to learn now to embrace the truth whatever it is. We can handle the truth. We might not like it, but we don't have to like it. It might be hard, but we are strong. Really, how much harder could anything ever be than dealing with what we're already going through, or have already been through? I don't think it gets any harder than being in the middle of their pits, esp with our broken souls, and broken hearts, our broken bodies, and confused minds. Embracing, accepting, and honoring the truth, helps us repair the damage done to our hearts/minds/bodies/and souls even when the truth is horrid. And when we stop fighting the truth, as we embrace it instead, and start repairing the damage, it gets easier, and we can see hope, and we can see light, again. Running from the truth, and their hiding the truth, is what we need to be afraid of, because that's some dangerous stuff right there. But don't be afraid of the truth itself. Even it forces you to have to go, or makes you more against him. It will still save YOU! You aren't responsible for his choices. He is, whether he takes resposniblity or not. He is still responsible for his choices. And if they aren't being a phead, it would free us in the good way. But it is what it is regardless. And if we'ren't dealing with that, the truth, then we aren't dealing with it all.

I'm sorry the truth is hurting you right now. Try to pan out to a wider perspective, and keep digging for the whole truth. God is showing you that you are still in danger from the p sea monster imo. I know it feels like a really bad thing, but it is a blessing. It's a sign your soul is talking to you, and your learning to translate it. I know it is ugly and we don't want to have to look, even while knowing that we need to see and know. Go ahead and look, it doesn't get much uglier than what you've already seen. He can't treat you much meaner, or break what is already broken. You're already at the bottom, so it's up from here, either way it goes.

Gather up your bootstraps and start heading, headstrong, and determinedly straight into the truth. You won't regret it. (he might, but you certianly won't). The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. I regret the time I spent running and hiding from the truth, hoping and praying that it wasn't true. But I have not regreted a moment of time since seeing it, knowing it, embracing it, and honoring it.

[lee1234]

I agree, I need to know. I need to have some more time to examine the things on his computer. Besides the p, I'm not sure how to deal with his depression. He's been asleep most of the day. I've gone in to check on him, ask what's wrong. I get the same "I don't feel good" response. I don't get depression. I don't get wallowing and self-loathing. I feel stress, I feel hurt. My heart has been shattered into a million little pieces. I keep going. I work, I take care of our daughter. I take care of our home. I have never taken the time to fall apart. I don't see the use in it. It only makes matters worse. I don't know how to react or deal with him laying around the house. I don't know if I am supposed to be supportive or tell him to get up and do something. I've been ignoring it. I've decided if HE gets in trouble for not doing his work, then it's HIS responsibility. I'm not going to try to mother him through this.

[LookingUp]

If it's been 2 weeks since D-Day, could he be going through brain-chemical withdrawl from being sober? From what I've read, that often hits about 14 to 28 days after sobriety.

[lee1234]

I misjudged him. I confronted him about the K9 Internet use Report. The things I was concerned about were easily explained to my satisfaction. Apparently, everytime MSN or Yahoo logon or log off (which they do all the time on their own) it was logged in the report. And one harmless forum he goes to has links to embedded images and videos, and they were being blocked. He wasn't actually visiting the pages, but since there were embedded links and the photos/videos were blocked, they were logged. So, I guess this was an example of my inability to trust him from the p problem. We still have issues with the depression, but I can handle that better than the p. I am much more confident now that he's staying away from the p. I have a long, long, long, long way to go before I stop being suspicious and paranoid, but at least I confronted him the same day and we got this behind us! That's progress anyway!